When is it ok to drop NC?

[Mevi]

Hi there Loveshack. This is my first post, and I'm new to the forums. This will probably be long, but I'm in desperate need of some help.

 

About a month and a half ago my girlfriend of nearly 6 years broke up with me. Saying she no longer loved me, and didn't have any feelings for me any more.

Obviously this absolutely crushed me, because although our relationship had it's ups and it's downs, I genuinely thought we'd be together forever - as cheesy as that sounds.

We were best friends as well as lovers, and she often referred to me as her 'soulmate.'

We're from different countries, and lived together for a large part of our relationship, we'd move between countries to live together, and then spend a couple months in between doing long distance. It was very difficult to do long distance but for the most part we made it work.

 

We have broken up one time in the past two years ago for a month, as she needed space and wasn't sure if being with me is what she wanted. I went about my life, tried to improve myself with getting healthier and in shape, and one day she messaged me out the blue asking if we could talk about our relationship. We decided to try again and until she broke up with me this time, things were going well.

 

I'm not perfect, I have many flaws. I had low self-esteem and would often unknowingly project that outwards making her feel sad. It was never my intention but often I wouldn't look happy, even though I was.

She didn't believe I cared for her much, even though she was everything to me, and as a result for her things began spiralling downwards.

I treat her as well as I could.

 

I guess I don't really have a point to make here, I'm just devasted. I've followed no contact except for one email where I sent her some money for bills (we lived together and it was my half of the payments.)

I don't know whether I should just give up and accept that this very important, special part of my life has now just vanished, or fight for her, or what.

I can't seem to comprehend that one minute we're as close as possible, best friends, intimately in love. Then suddenly in the blink of an eye we're done. Just nothing.

 

Does she even think about me anymore, or am I just a chapter in her life that has been closed forever? I'm sorry if this post is just all over the place and doesn't make much sense but I guess that goes to show how my head is right now. Nothing seems right.

[Closetotheedge]

Man, you could as well be me,i know EXACTLY what are you going through,just look in the first page and you'll see my topic,i also had a 6 years relationship

 

but it's really hard to answer your question,if you should accept,or fight for her,you need to ask yourself,even if you love her,was your relationship healthy?have any future or you're just in denial,in wich way she ended things with you?,she had said any reasons,or there is another person in this?

 

anyway,i'm saying to you the same thing i'm trying to say to myself ,don't crawl to her,put yourself together,i know,i too thought that's gonna be forever,but people change,8 years is a long time,but sometimes you need to let it go.

[aries15]

Man Im going thru the same think man and I know how your feeling all you can do is play the waiting game and hope she with come back I'm doing the same thing I haven't even tried contacting her because they say if you do they might push away even further

[Mevi]

She said there was no one else she was just done with the relationship and lost feelings for me. Our relationship was good and healthy, I never cheated on her or treat her bad with abuse or anything like that. I was very kind, loving and affectionate.

 

I'm just worried about totally leaving all contact because then what if she thinks I don't care. That I don't care enough to even fight for her and try to 'win her back.'

I'm worried if I do nothing, over time she will just entirely forget about me, and I could've done more to potentially save what we had.

[todreaminblue]

She said there was no one else she was just done with the relationship and lost feelings for me. Our relationship was good and healthy, I never cheated on her or treat her bad with abuse or anything like that. I was very kind, loving and affectionate.

 

I'm just worried about totally leaving all contact because then what if she thinks I don't care. That I don't care enough to even fight for her and try to 'win her back.'

I'm worried if I do nothing, over time she will just entirely forget about me, and I could've done more to potentially save what we had.

 

did she tell you that she didnt think you cared for her directly in those words ver batim?....deb

[mightycpa]

1) She was with you for 6 years, she will NEVER forget about you

2) She lost feelings for you, she won't care if you care or not

3) Fight for her? Fight who? Her?

4) Win her back? She needs to win you back.

 

You need to go work on that low self-esteem. Who knows? Maybe she's the one giving it to you. Get a book about that, and get started. Women don't go for sad-sack, low self-esteem guys. It is not attractive. Change that, and you'll feel better regardless of whether she returns.

[Pendragon]

She said there was no one else she was just done with the relationship and lost feelings for me. Our relationship was good and healthy, I never cheated on her or treat her bad with abuse or anything like that. I was very kind, loving and affectionate.

 

I'm just worried about totally leaving all contact because then what if she thinks I don't care. That I don't care enough to even fight for her and try to 'win her back.'

I'm worried if I do nothing, over time she will just entirely forget about me, and I could've done more to potentially save what we had.

 

I'm sorry that after such a long relationship, things had to end and you're going through the pain that comes with it.

 

The thing is, fighting for someone is something that should be done during the relationship, not after it has already died. She has essentially given up on the relationship with her decision to end it and it's something you just have to accept. Of course she thinks of you now and then and she has not "forgotten" you but this doesn't necessarily mean she thinks of you the same way you think of her, or an interest in reconciliation. It's a harsh reality but you can't try to pursue her in order to make her feelings change. In fact, that may make things worse if anything.

 

Break-ups tend to be that way often for the dumpee. The sudden change from lovers and best friends into a state where they're practically strangers to you.

[Mevi]

did she tell you that she didnt think you cared for her directly in those words ver batim?....deb

 

She said it directly. Which always confused me because I was affectionate, caring and generous with her.

[Pickmeup]

I know exactly how you feel, I feel exactly the same. After 20 years together I automatically want to try and save our marriage and work at it but my husband wants space and thinks that he is happier on his own now.

 

If i just leave him alone, will he realise how much I still love him (he felt I didn't love him anymore and pushed him away). To sit back now and do nothing feels like we will just drift further apart and I have no chance of showing him just how much I care.

 

Grieving for the loss of my husband is so painful I don't want to give up on him/us.

 

Everyone is different and every relationship is different so what works for some doesn't for others, I think we have to try and find our own solutions. I am trying hard to stay friends with my H be supportive and not show my upset or how devastated I am. Not sure how much longer I can keep this going, it's been 3 months and the longer it goes on the more upset I get, I see him getting stronger and whilst I want him to be happy it's hard to see.

 

Deal with your girlfriend how you see best, you know her the best but try and keep yourself strong in her presence so she feels less guilt.

 

Hope you get strong soon...it's bloody hard isn't it.

[Mevi]

Sorry to see you're going through a hard time Pickmeup. You articulated what I was trying to so much better than I put it in my original post.

I agree that each relationship is different, and of course each person is different, and I suppose that's another reason it's so hard to assess what I should do. A part of me wants to contact her saying I'm thinking of her and hoping she's doing well, but another part wants to leave her alone and give her space.

It's very possible if I contact her and try to initiate some kind of conversation, it may back fire and push her further away. Yet I can't help but feel that if I do absolutely nothing she may take it as me doing great/happy, and not caring about her - which will ultimately solidify one of her reasons in her mind as to why she broke up with me in the first place.

It's almost a 'heads you win, tails I lose' situation, and it's driving me crazy.

[Mevi]

There are so many thoughts and feelings bouncing around my head at the moment that I just need some advice from you guys, it's 2am where I am right now and there's no one awake to talk to.

 

I haven't spoke to her in weeks. At all. I sent one email asking for confirmation that a payment I sent via bank had been received. She replied with yes. That's it. It was a necessary email, neither of us tried to discuss anything or get personal.

 

She didn't feel I truly loved her or cared for her the same way she did for me. This was one of the main reasons why she broke things off with me. I'm sat here right now thinking long and hard about whether I should email her saying I miss her and am thinking about her, and considering breaking NC.

 

There's one half of me that wants to break NC - that perhaps me contacting her and just showing I care might be enough to get us back on talking terms and potentially have her realise she made a mistake.

Then there's the other half which is telling me no good will come from contacting. Either I will be entirely ignored, or the reply will just be a generic response with no real personal touch to it at all.

 

This was my first properly serious relationship (6 years) so when it comes to situations like this I'm really inexperienced. I'm torn right down the middle on what I should do, I need some guidance. Any help would be hugely appreciated.

[Pickmeup]

Hi Mevi

I think we both have to accept it, we have lost them, we cannot force them to change how they feel. It's tough but time to think of yourself. I don't know about you but I miss laughing...cannot remember the last time I laughed!!!

 

Today is my birthday and the first one (for 20 years) that I have spent without my husband - it's hit me so hard but made me realise I am on my own now, this is it. I need to stop dwelling on what could have been if my husband would only give it a chance, he won't I cannot force him. Part of me hopes, one day, he will regret not staying and working on us. He thinks we can remain best friends, too painful for me...I cannot cope at the moment.

 

So many people have gone though this before and survived, become stronger, gone on to be happier than before. Have hope for yourself and your future, work on finding things to do that you enjoy. It's hard but so many of us on this forum are going though it too. You are not alone.

[Mevi]

I recently made a thread named 'Devasted' that explained how my gf of nearly 6 years fell out of love with me and lost feelings for me. She said one of the main reasons is she didn't feel that I loved her or cared about her enough.

Obviously I'm heartbroken and at an incredibly low point in my life right now.

 

I started NC as soon as it happened to try to move on with my life and heal, but I can't fight the urge to message her anymore. I realise she has said she no longer loves me and lost feelings for me, but she has said this before, and we ended up getting back together about 2 years ago.

 

I need advice, my mind is all over the place and I just feel lost.

I'm worried that if I stick to NC she may think I don't care anymore, and the chance at being with her again will disappear. Especially considering that would effectively prove what she said initially about me to seem correct.

 

Should I message her? Should I tell her I miss her and think about her? Should I break NC?

After reading threads and posts about NC it appears people explain it is not a way to get your ex back but a way to heal and move on from the relationship.

I want her back, and if I'm going to have any chance at getting her back, someone needs to make the first move.

 

This is my first serious relationship so I'm inexperienced, and I just need someone's guidance. Any help would be hugely appreciated.

[Lingo1]

I recently made a thread named 'Devasted' that explained how my gf of nearly 6 years fell out of love with me and lost feelings for me. She said one of the main reasons is she didn't feel that I loved her or cared about her enough.

Obviously I'm heartbroken and at an incredibly low point in my life right now.

 

I started NC as soon as it happened to try to move on with my life and heal, but I can't fight the urge to message her anymore. I realise she has said she no longer loves me and lost feelings for me, but she has said this before, and we ended up getting back together about 2 years ago.

 

I need advice, my mind is all over the place and I just feel lost.

I'm worried that if I stick to NC she may think I don't care anymore, and the chance at being with her again will disappear. Especially considering that would effectively prove what she said initially about me to seem correct.

 

Should I message her? Should I tell her I miss her and think about her? Should I break NC?

After reading threads and posts about NC it appears people explain it is not a way to get your ex back but a way to heal and move on from the relationship.

I want her back, and if I'm going to have any chance at getting her back, someone needs to make the first move.

 

This is my first serious relationship so I'm inexperienced, and I just need someone's guidance. Any help would be hugely appreciated.

 

 

Don't Text i repeat dont not text she made the decision to end things now if she texts u may reply but just dont look needy after a while u will get fed up of her not texting u and just said F*** this Crap and move on in your head u just need to keep yourself busy

[OwMyEyeball]

It's OK when you reach out to contact out of genuine care and compassion.

 

Not for alleviation of pain (be that anxiety, anger, shame or any other form of mental anguish)

 

It gets tougher to distinguish between the motivators as time passes and the wound heals. Be wary.

[josephrm]

Think of it this way.. If she doesn't want to be with you then why would you wanna be with her. You can't force someone to love you. Do NC correctly and don't keep in touch with her. If she contacts you saying she misses you then that's a decision you have to make as a person. No matter what you been through with her you should know your worth more then being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You deserve to have someone that Loves you just as much as you love them. Don't stoop to such a low level and seem desperate to be with someone that doesn't love you. Please try to get over this person, and find yourself. I can tell your confused and hurt about this all but once you get through what I call that lingering fog of the relationship, you will realize everything.

[mightycpa]

I'm worried that if I stick to NC she may think I don't care anymore, and the chance at being with her again will disappear.

 

You're not thinking clearly. I'm going to help you.

 

I'm worried that if I stick to NC she may think I don't care anymore

 

In reality, YOU think SHE doesn't care anymore. That's your real worry. If you knew she cared, you could take being away from her for a few days. So, let's turn that around and think about it.

 

There are two possibilities:

 

1) She cares if you love her, because she loves you.

2) She doesn't care if you love her, because she doesn't love you.

 

If #1, and she thinks you don't care, it will eat away at her soul the same way it is eating away at yours. You said this in Devastated:

 

Saying she no longer loved me, and didn't have any feelings for me any more

 

Because she told you she doesn't love you anymore, if #1 is true, then she will come back to you at least once to tell you she made a mistake. She will not abandon love without trying at least one last time to fix the problem she created.

 

But if #2, she will be relieved that you don't care for her anymore. And like I said before, that is your real worry.

 

As to the second part:

 

and the chance at being with her again will disappear

 

You only have a chance if #1 is true. There is no chance if #2 is true.

 

The reality here is that you are at a critical moment. You can read through the posts all the way back to 1997, and you'll find one thing to be absolutely true. Whenever the desperate dumper went back to their ex, it NEVER WORKED OUT IN THE END. Sure, they might have gotten another couple of weeks, or months, or even a year. But in the end, IT NEVER WORKED OUT. That's just the way it is.

 

The only chance you have is if she comes to the realization that she made a mistake ON HER OWN. If you make the mistake of helping her believe that, eventually, she will not believe it anymore. That's just the way it is.

 

Your chances are not good, I'll admit. But the only chance you have is if she loves you AND you let her figure that out for herself. Even if she does love you, but you push it too early, you'll lose her. And if she doesn't love you, it won't matter whether you contact her or not. There are these four possibilities, and only one leads to you getting back together. The testimony of hundreds is on this forum to tell you that.

 

So, it is up to you whether you love her enough to wait to find out. It won't be easy, but it is your only chance.

 

If you love her, you'll leave her alone. We're here to tell you the right thing to do. If you go back to her, and tell her what is obvious, you will kill your own chances. It is an absolute cruel truth.

 

It is up to you. We can't be strong for you. You have to be resolute. You have to love her enough to let her go, because that's the only way she might come back.

[FortunateSon]

You're not thinking clearly. I'm going to help you.

 

 

 

In reality, YOU think SHE doesn't care anymore. That's your real worry. If you knew she cared, you could take being away from her for a few days. So, let's turn that around and think about it.

 

There are two possibilities:

 

1) She cares if you love her, because she loves you.

2) She doesn't care if you love her, because she doesn't love you.

 

If #1, and she thinks you don't care, it will eat away at her soul the same way it is eating away at yours. You said this in Devastated:

 

 

 

Because she told you she doesn't love you anymore, if #1 is true, then she will come back to you at least once to tell you she made a mistake. She will not abandon love without trying at least one last time to fix the problem she created.

 

But if #2, she will be relieved that you don't care for her anymore. And like I said before, that is your real worry.

 

As to the second part:

 

 

 

You only have a chance if #1 is true. There is no chance if #2 is true.

 

The reality here is that you are at a critical moment. You can read through the posts all the way back to 1997, and you'll find one thing to be absolutely true. Whenever the desperate dumper went back to their ex, it NEVER WORKED OUT IN THE END. Sure, they might have gotten another couple of weeks, or months, or even a year. But in the end, IT NEVER WORKED OUT. That's just the way it is.

 

The only chance you have is if she comes to the realization that she made a mistake ON HER OWN. If you make the mistake of helping her believe that, eventually, she will not believe it anymore. That's just the way it is.

 

Your chances are not good, I'll admit. But the only chance you have is if she loves you AND you let her figure that out for herself. Even if she does love you, but you push it too early, you'll lose her. And if she doesn't love you, it won't matter whether you contact her or not. There are these four possibilities, and only one leads to you getting back together. The testimony of hundreds is on this forum to tell you that.

 

So, it is up to you whether you love her enough to wait to find out. It won't be easy, but it is your only chance.

 

If you love her, you'll leave her alone. We're here to tell you the right thing to do. If you go back to her, and tell her what is obvious, you will kill your own chances. It is an absolute cruel truth.

 

It is up to you. We can't be strong for you. You have to be resolute. You have to love her enough to let her go, because that's the only way she might come back.

This is a phenomenal post with great advice! Please take it to heart and re-read if necessary.

[Feelbettersoon]

^ great advice, it hurts so much to read it but at the end of the day it's true