LilySandrine Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 So I've been thinking a lot lately about my current rlship and how should I think or behave about the money/gifts issues. It's been bothering me for some time now. At home, I've always been told a man should pay for everything, buy stuff etc etc. Then I had my first rlship - from the first outing together he made it clear to me that I will always pay for my own cinema tickets myself and we will always split all bills in half. In the end he turned out to be a total cheapo and scrooge and even wiggled himself out of giving me back a reasonable amount of money he owed me. Pathetic. At that time, I dreamt of having a bf, who would buy me stuff from time to time, who wouldnt hesitate to pay for me at the cinema, who would take me out to a proper restaurant for dinner, maybe even sometimes buy me some expensive stuff like a phone, etc. My ex never did any of those things. Fast forward a few years, up to now. Currently I'm in my second rlship and everything is great. Funnily enough, my SO is the kind of person, who doesnt want gifts or such for himself but he loves spoling me, buying me lots of presents for bday, cosmetics, even wanting to pay for my concert tickets, lately he even mentioned he wants to buy me a high-end smartphone! I said I dont want it. The only 2 times I borrowed money from him cause I needed it for something urgently (with the intention to give it back to him ASAP), he did everything he could to stop me from giving it back to him, making all kinds of excuses but I was firm and insisted on giving it back. I love to spoil him as well and although he claims he doesnt need any gifts, I can see how happy he is when he gets something from me so I love to give him stuff randomly, too. So where is my problem? Throughout those few years my opinion on men paying for stuff and giving gifts has slightly changed - maybe it's because I have very independent female friends, who say it would be below their dignity and pride as a woman to accept a gift from their man and let him pay for the dinner or take them for holidays. Although I think their attitude is a bit extreme (I'm more conservative), what they say started to alter my mind a bit. It has led to the situation that I'm torn inside and dont know what to think anymore. On one hand, I'm still craving to let a man shower me with gifts, pay for me and take me out and enjoy it. I'm lucky enough to have a man, who's willing to do those things for me and he says it makes him happy and feel he's a great provider. So part of me wants to gratefully accept and enjoy it. But on the other, I've started to have those thoughts on being an independent woman who pays for her stuff herself, who doesnt have to rely on a man in any way, who has her dignity and pride and wont let a man buy her expensive stuff because she can buy them herself and take pride in the fact she can afford all of it. Those thoughts are totally conflicting with each other and it has led to the situation where I'm starting to decline every single gift (apart from bday) because I feel like my pride wont let me accept, I want to be proud of the fact I can provide for myself. But then, I know that if it goes on like this, it will have bad impact on our rlship. After all, most men want to feel they can provide and my SO has stated it's very important for him to be able to do so. He wants to be a knight in a shining armour for his princess, as he said. Well.... I was thinking, what will I do one day when we start to live together and he will insist on having a joint account (he said he would prefer it)? Part of me wants to be independent and have a pride but the other, more conservative, doesnt want that. I feel crazily split inside in half, torn between what should I think. I want to think it through properly and come to one solid conclusion but I have no idea how to do it, I'm torn so much. Anyone has had a problem like that? Any thoughts, please....?
MissBee Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) Being independent IMO isn't about if your boyfriend buys you gifts or pays for dates. Those are nice gestures he volunteers to do because he wants to and it makes him feel good, that's probably part of his love language, and you like it...so what's the problem? Being dependent on him is if you had no job and no money and expected that he pay for your life and if he stopped you'd be seriously in trouble. A woman can have a job, make her own money and still appreciate her man spending money on her. You also spend money on him and like to spoil him, so I don't see the big problem. It seems the problem is more so wanting to be aligned with what your friends think than your own genuine feelings. I do not expect my bf to pay my rent, phone bill, any other bill and can perfectly sustain my own lifestyle without him. That's independence. He however will pay for us to go on dates and buys me gifts...your friends are free to refuse those things, to each her own preference but you don't have to feel the same and the latter isn't about independence IMO. For me, that's not a problem and I do the same for him, but where I'd feel uncomfortable was if I had to rely on him for rent, bills or other monies which to me is the true definition of being dependent, where his gifts or paying for things isn't simply a nice gesture but something your life is dependent on and if he stops you'd be outta luck and where because he does this for you he has power over you. If and when the time comes for you to marry or what have you then you can discuss how you want to arrange your finances. Marriage is different than dating. In your dating relationship it's more so about gifts than paying bills and so on together, so that will be a different discussion. Edited August 15, 2014 by MissBee
Author LilySandrine Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 Being independent IMO isn't about if your boyfriend buys you gifts or pays for dates. Those are nice gestures he volunteers to do because he wants to and it makes him feel good, that's probably part of his love language, and you like it...so what's the problem? Being dependent on him is if you had no job and no money and expected that he pay for your life and if he stopped you'd be seriously in trouble. A woman can have a job, make her own money and still appreciate her man spending money on her. You also spend money on him and like to spoil him, so I don't see the big problem. It seems the problem is more so wanting to be aligned with what your friends think than your own genuine feelings. I do not expect my bf to pay my rent, phone bill, any other bill and can perfectly sustain my own lifestyle without him. That's independence. He however will pay for us to go on dates and buys me gifts...your friends are free to refuse those things, to each her own preference but you don't have to feel the same and the latter isn't about independence IMO. For me, that's not a problem and I do the same for him, but where I'd feel uncomfortable was if I had to rely on him for rent, bills or other monies which to me is the true definition of being dependent, where his gifts or paying for things isn't simply a nice gesture but something your life is dependent on and if he stops you'd be outta luck and where because he does this for you he has power over you. If and when the time comes for you to marry or what have you then you can discuss how you want to arrange your finances. Marriage is different than dating. In your dating relationship it's more so about gifts than paying bills and so on together, so that will be a different discussion. Thanks for clarifying the difference from your POV I am able to pay for all the bills myself so in that sense I am truly independent. But I'm also thinking about the future. We are serious about the rlship and planning to get married in some time. The thing is, he might be promoted soon, there is a great chance he will be and if that happens, he will earn much much more than me. He used to say that a strong independent girls like me are a huge turn-on but some time ago he mentioned that if he earns a lot, he can pay all the bills and I dont have to work and stay home. To which I said no way, I would get a depression if the situation would be like this. But what if he wants to live in a nice apartment, and since the rent would be high (as if, I wouldnt be able to afford paying half), his part would be much bigger than mine. In such a situation, I would become dependent on him, wouldnt I? And if I didnt agree, he might have flip out. I know, I'm a worrytard but I'm just wondering how will tbe future look like and what should I do then.
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