purplesorrow Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I think the time apart after the affair discovery was too long. I moved forward in so many ways. I feel like we've been on 10 (blah) first dates now. I have one tonight but realize that I don't necessarily look forward to it. Maybe I changed too much? I find it difficult to engage in that he doesn't keep my attention. There's no fighting or anything unpleasant, just kind of blah. I am still so disconnected, do you ever really get that connection back? Help.
Snowflower Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Perhaps the separation was too long and you lost the spark, the connection, or whatever bound the two of you together that made you at one time marry him. Or, you are expecting too much too soon. Or, you already know pretty much everything about him because he was your husband for X amount of years and with the damage that he brought about is all too much to overcome. Perhaps a combination of all three, or something else entirely? I do think ambivalence toward someone who has betrayed us is a normal, healthy reaction. My husband and I never separated after he cheated but I went through those feelings of ambivalency with him big time. 2
drifter777 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Why do you think it was too long? Absence makes the heart grow fonder - right? If you don't miss him and love him now then his affair was too much for you to forgive. Now you are clearly healing and are ready to move on with your life. You should be happy - you've made it through the first stage of recovery so don't turn back just to relive this again. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 @ snow, I think you're right, a combination of all three. @ drifter, it grows fonder if you're nurturing and tending to said love. Not so much when you're blasting cee lo's f!!k you every day hahaha. I'm trying to give our family a shot, just might not be in the cards. I'm really ok with that.
No Limit Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 There's no shame in turning away. Patch work families work out quite well when they're organized. 1
dichotomy Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Well frankly its challenging to go on dates (date night) in any marriage. I remember when our church suggested date nights and we started doing it. All I can think sometimes is "this ain't like the dates we used to have before we got married "....and sometimes I also think (destructively) "this also isn't like the dates you had with OM - I want those dates".... sigh.... so much work in a normal marriage and add in an affair and its so much harder. But every now and then - maybe 3-4 dates a year some of the old date magic comes back a bit. Keep at it for a while longer. 4
Snowflower Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Well frankly its challenging to go on dates (date night) in any marriage. I remember when our church suggested date nights and we started doing it. All I can think sometimes is "this ain't like the dates we used to have before we got married "....and sometimes I also think (destructively) "this also isn't like the dates you had with OM - I want those dates".... sigh.... so much work in a normal marriage and add in an affair and its so much harder. But every now and then - maybe 3-4 dates a year some of the old date magic comes back a bit. Keep at it for a while longer. ^^^Good advice^^^
fellini Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Not sure where you are in this. I do remember a period or phase in which i lost all feelings for my WS. Well, all loving feelings anyhow. But this passed. The period of not saying "i love you, too" was even longer. Even today, i couldn't just say it. It rings hollow sometimes. 2
RightThere Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I think the time apart after the affair discovery was too long. I moved forward in so many ways. I feel like we've been on 10 (blah) first dates now. I have one tonight but realize that I don't necessarily look forward to it. Maybe I changed too much? I find it difficult to engage in that he doesn't keep my attention. There's no fighting or anything unpleasant, just kind of blah. I am still so disconnected, do you ever really get that connection back? Help. I can identify with that. There are days where I look at my WW and think "I feel absolutely nothing for you anymore." But they we have days where things are pretty good and a lot of fun. I think of it as what marriage was like pre-affair/D-Day. There are times where you are just busy with life and lose some connection with your spouse. You get the roommate syndrome. However I break through it with much better communication about what I'm feeling or needing. Plus post-affair I'm much more in tune with the needs of y WW. However it's a double edge sword. When I get those days of "blah" and look at my WW, I think longer about not having any feelings and it gets compounded with the anger of the betrayal. 10 first dates is a lot. Is it possible you are just not fully committing to your spouse (emotionally,physically)? If you're not all in, you won't move past the "blah" stage because you can't make that emotional connection. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 You don't have to answer this if you don't want, and I'm not suggesting anything - it's just hypothetical. Do you have any thoughts about dating other people and do you think you would feel the same way about someone other than your spouse if you were dating others? 1
RightThere Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Do you have any thoughts about dating other people and do you think you would feel the same way about someone other than your spouse if you were dating others? I'm not sure where you are going with that question. Just my two cents, but it's that kind of train of thought that leads people to affairs. It's the illusion that the grass is greener over there. That you'll get those butterfly feelings again and someone totally "gets you." It's just the rush of being in a new relationship with someone. The OP's decision to stay or leave should be based on wanting to Stay or Leave. Not the hope of dating other people for happiness. And perhaps that is where you were going with that question anyways. In which case, I took the bait.
Hope Shimmers Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I'm not sure where you are going with that question. Just my two cents, but it's that kind of train of thought that leads people to affairs. It's the illusion that the grass is greener over there. That you'll get those butterfly feelings again and someone totally "gets you." It's just the rush of being in a new relationship with someone. The OP's decision to stay or leave should be based on wanting to Stay or Leave. Not the hope of dating other people for happiness. And perhaps that is where you were going with that question anyways. In which case, I took the bait. As I said, I wasn't suggesting anything, and she is separated last time I checked. I know she's not dating other people. I asked the question hypothetically because I wondered if it was him specifically or if it was just the place she was in her life now and not necessarily ready to feel more than "blah" for anyone, not just specifically him. Not that I owe you any explanations as to where I'm going with any questions asked directly to the OP. Sorry if I offended you purple - it wasn't my intent. I was just thinking about the possible reasons behind 'blah'.
Author purplesorrow Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 Thank you all. In looking at it the advice above is spot on, maybe I'm not fully committed to the process. But it is because I just don't feel anything for him. Which comes first? Glad I'm not alone in these feelings. @Hope, to be honest dating anyone was the last thing on my mind. I knew that I was planning to wait at least a year after a divorce before I would consider dating. Frankly, reading infidelity forums makes dating look not so appealing. I don't feel blah in other areas of my life. I have a lot of good things going on. I think he's just not so shiny anymore!
jackslife Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 I've not been in your situation, putting the affair to one side, it sounds like your just not into him anymore. There's lots of talk on here about giving it time and working at it etc. But surely there's only so much work a marriage should need. Maybe the marriage has run it's course. We expect so much of two people and a marriage. Some people go all the way, others have a great marriage, until they don't and then they move on. The affair could be the reason, but marriages end of all sorts of reasons. I'd trust your gut. Maybe it's time to just say "sorry, we gave it our best shot and it's time to move on" Try and keep it amicable and blame free and move on. Again I'm not a BS but when I hear some of the regular contributers on here say how it took them 3 - 5 years to R, and they still have tough times I wonder if it is really worth it and maybe they'd have been better off just finishing and moving on. 1
Author purplesorrow Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 The affair is the reason I feel this way. It changed my feelings toward him in a negative way, his toward me in a positive way. It's hard to just put it to the side. We both agree we wouldn't even be discussing a divorce had he not cheated, he accepts that blame. This past year and a half has been spent living our lives apart and co parenting our child. There is nothing to fight about. No reason things will get nasty. Maybe there was just too much hurt and damage to appreciate the man he has become.
woinlove Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 I haven't been through this so can't say much about whether feelings return, but it does seem to me that you have given it quite some time and effort. So sad that the affair eroded the feelings you had for your H, but it seems understandable to me. I know the OW recently contacted you wanting to speak to your H, and that's just one small reminder of the long-term consequences of your H's actions, that he brought that absurdity and pain into your life. Sorry, I don't have any advice, but seems to me you know you can divorce or continue trying for a while, and only you will know when it is time to stop trying.
jackslife Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Simplify, simplify. Regardless of the reasons do you want to be with this man? Do you still want to sleep with this man? Do you look at him and think 'wow, I want to be with this fella?' All questions all of us could ask ourselves about our spouses and partners. if your answers to the above is 'no' then you have your answer and the marriage is over.
Author purplesorrow Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 Yes, it is simple...when it's someone else's life we are peeking at. Not so when it hits home and you actually feel the consequences of each decision made. 2
Hope Shimmers Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 Purplesorrow, thank you for not taking my questions wrong and for responding. I wasn't suggesting that you date (I totally agree that it takes awhile after a divorce to even be in that mindset!) but I was trying to get at whether it was a 'blah' feeling about dating in general (or, I guess, anything else in general) or if it was specifically him. And I was assuming that you hadn't made the commitment to it working with him necessarily but were still feeling it out. From your posts it sounds like the latter. I think you have done absolutely everything to see if it could work again. Way more than a lot of people might have done. I agree that you can't push to feel something that you just don't feel. But if and when you choose to move on you will do so with a clear head because you KNOW you did absolutely everything possible to see if you can regain feelings for him after the A. Dating is not easy which is why I have sort of stepped back from it and will just let things happen if and when they do. You deserve every bit of happiness in the world after what you have gone through. 3
SolG Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Hi Purplesorrow, Just thought I'd throw some science into the fray for something different. Part of what helps us bond with another is the effect of oxytocin that calms the amygdala and helps us feel safe, relaxed and close in their presence. Things that promote oxytocin production, and by extension bonding, are sex (oxytocin builds during arousal and then peaks at orgasm) as well as everyday attachment behaviours (touching, hugging, kissing, eye contact, nurturing). The hysterical bonding experienced by some is an instinctive biological response to a deep seated desire to reconnect with a partner. In your case, the disconnection may be in part due to the separation and corresponding decreased opportunity/desire to share attachment behaviours. And of course, this can be exacerbated by relationship trauma (like infidelity) that can put the brain on alert and make even more attachment behaviour necessary to achieve bonding. From a biological perspective, practicing attachment behaviour can help a couple rebond. But only if they want to of course. And the reverse is also true; the less attachment behaviour, the further apart a couple can drift. I hope this was of interest if nothing else. Good luck. 1
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