I'm not over her just yet

[Zzyxx]

I know that we do NC for many reasons, most importantly of which to distance ourselves from the person that is causing us tremendous amounts of pain. In my case I was very late to NC since we lived together, and will also, unfortunately,not be able to currently achieve the level of NC I would like since we have many mutual friends together and are still tied together over some living together/immigration issues, but thank God I was finally able to move out.

 

The hardest part of this for me is that I can actively see and know that she has no regrets and truly is happier without me. I think right now this is what devastates me the most, because when we were together she was always depressed about external things like her job or career, and I always helped her through them. Then when everything finally fell into place in her life, she got rid of me, and now she’s like living the dream. It’s not that we weren’t well suited or weren’t good together, so I don’t even have the relief of thinking that I’m so much better off, because I’m not, yet for some reason she is. Every time I have to hear something about her (our mutual friends are having goodbye parties cause they’re leaving the country, or weddings, so it’s not really an option not to go to these big events where she will be) she’s always doing great, and I’m just a big mess crying all the time. It’s not like I ever dragged her down, I only ever emotionally supported her, so I don’t get why getting rid of me is such a cause for all good things in her life. Even though now I have a workable level of contact for the time being it’s not as helpful as I feel it should be cause I still know she’s doing great and doesn’t regret dumping me at all.

[Magnet]

Your ex sounds like a parasite with some nasty anger problems.

 

Start treating yourself decent and that includes not blaming yourself for what happened.

[Zzyxx]

Your ex sounds like a parasite with some nasty anger problems.

 

Start treating yourself decent and that includes not blaming yourself for what happened.

 

Thank you. Yeah after I wrote that she proceeded to send me annoyed text messages about the fact I took all the computer paper when I moved out. I explained to her that I didn't do it to spite her, I didn't think she needed any cause she never usually prints anything, and she lives across the street from the mall where I bought it. I was honest and said that I wasn't dealing with the breakup well at all, which she knows, and I still have feelings for her so could she please not kick me when I'm down, and that I would appreciate being able to grieve in peace.

 

She then proceeded to delete me from her facebook.

 

So yeah, I have no clue if that was her trying to be nice, or just her being crazy. None of it matters anymore, but I'm in so much pain my brain is still obsessed with all this stuff.

[Zzyxx]

As I previously mentioned I'm trying to go as NC as is possible, but we lived together and still have some loose financial ends that will take awhile to sort out, so it's not always possible. Still, I really DO want to be as NC as possible. I still need to give her the keys back to the apartment and pick up the bike that she is letting me have. I am going to a co-workers party tonight in a bar down the street from where she lives/we lived, so it would be super convenient for me to just get the bike and give her the keys so it's once less reason in the future I would have to talk to her. However, I also really do not want to be contacting her.

 

Do I take initiative and just message her and say, "I'm going to be down the street at a party, do you want the keys now?" and also let her know I'm taking the bike so she doesn't think someone stole it? (It's locked to a tree on the street so she might think that). Or do I just put it off until she contacts me, which she will eventually since she does need the keys back.

[Mary Oak]

Get everything done as quickly as possible and then it will be over.

 

Having to seperate bank accounts, assuming loans, lawyers, notaries, etc. all lead me to be involved for way over a year. And every encounter sucked. On top of it, I see remember every encounter and where it was, what was said, how we said goodbye, etc. very vividly. IT really sucks.

 

So, my two cents, is get it all over with, and when you do, manage to say the least possible. That way memories can't haunt you.

 

Just do it. Breathe and it will be over.

 

If that is all you have left to take care of, be thankful.

[Zzyxx]

I have to go to a mutual friends going away party, so it's not an option not to go, since she's leaving. My ex will be there and I have to give her back the keys. It will be sooooooooo awkward. I'm really praying she's not bringing a date. If she does I am so out of there. What is an appropriate way to handle something like that?

[mightycpa]

I have to go to a mutual friends going away party, so it's not an option not to go, since she's leaving. My ex will be there and I have to give her back the keys. It will be sooooooooo awkward. I'm really praying she's not bringing a date. If she does I am so out of there. What is an appropriate way to handle something like that?

 

He offered the keys, dangling them at arm's length from his pinched fingers.

 

Here are your keys Matilda. Thanks for letting me stay until I found a place. It would be easier for me if we just avoided each other for a while. I'll let you know when that changes.

As she began to say her final goodbyes, he spun and disappeared into the crowd at the party.

[Zzyxx]

He offered the keys, dangling them at arm's length from his pinched fingers.

 

As she began to say her final goodbyes, he spun and disappeared into the crowd at the party.

 

 

That's more or less what happened except less classy haha. She did in fact hit it off with someone at the party. I don't know if she brought that person to the party as a date or they hit it off there, and they flirted for most of the night. At the time it wasn't so bad cause I just went to another room of the house, and drank copious amounts, then went clubbing till 6am. Today I am quite hungover and sad. Her new person of interested is more attractive than me

[mightycpa]

Her new person of interested is more attractive than me

 

Well, I think you'd rather be replaced by an Adonis than a Quasimodo.

 

Think of it this way: You raised the bar, and reduced the number of suitable men.

[Zzyxx]

So It's been about 2.5 months since the breakup and I still feel like a mess. I still miss her all the freaking time, still love her, would still entertain the idea of getting back together even though I know it's not going to happen. The acceptance stage is going strong, but the greiving feels like it's going to last awhile. I have to be in minimal contact with her due to some mail forwarding and wrapping up of our living together, but that will hopefully end within the next few weeks. So I do look forward to that. I'm also 90% sure she is seeing someone new, which, I might run into them at a friend's party at the end of the month. Ugh.

 

I hung out with a girl today that is super cute, but I think she only likes me as a friend, which is totally ok, as I know I'm not ready for anything serious, but as I haven't had any sort of affection or attraction from a woman in ages (my ex stopped being affectionate a good couple weeks before she dumped me, so it's been a good 3 months since getting any sort of physical attention from a woman) so it would be nice if she at least wanted to have some fun together. She dates a lot anyway, and is pretty open with this, so fine by me. Still, I'm good with the friendzone for now, if that even proceeds to that point.

 

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. Keeping contact to a minimum until I can go complete NC, going out with friends, working on my professional life, doing things by myself, still I can't help but have feelings for her. Wish I could stop as easily as she did.

[Zzyxx]

Well, I think you'd rather be replaced by an Adonis than a Quasimodo.

 

Think of it this way: You raised the bar, and reduced the number of suitable men.

 

I'm actually a woman as well, but thanks anyway, I get your point

[Sugarkane]

If she dumped you because she hated her job, why didn't she dump her jo, instead of you?!

[singsparkles]

My gf of 2.5 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. It's been very hard for me, but I pretty much have no problem at all going NC when I don't have to see her since I know how important NC is for healing. However, the problem is we have been living together for the last 10 months and currently share an apartment. So obviously I have to see her some of the time. Fortunately this hasn't been as bad as it could be, because I work in another part of the country a few times out of the month, and she's off traveling. So during the last 3 weeks I've pretty much only had to see her in person twice. The problem is during these two times I've pretty much done the exact opposite in every way shape and form of what you're supposed to do when you get dumped.

 

I think her reasons for dumping me (as do a lot of our mutual friends) were more situational (she'd been unhappy for a long time because of her job, which caused a lot of problems in the relationship, she recently got laid off, which was great because she got a fat severance package and was really happy again and our relationship was going good again, and we made plans to travel, spend more time together ect. Then we got in a dumb and what I thought was trivial argument since it was that time of the month for me, and she used it as an excuse to break up with me cause now she's in this 'whole new life, lets get rid of everything old that doesn't make me happy all of the time' attitude). So I'd really used the last three weeks to focus on things I did wrong in the relationship (I did do some stuff wrong that I see more clearly now) and would say that things were different now, situations were a lot different (this was all very true) and we could work on it from a different perspective. She's let me know every single time she's not interested, but I can't seem to stop myself from trying to convince her to get back together, even though I know it's horrible and degrading. I've finally managed to stop myself, which is now why I need advice how to proceed.

 

I'm trying to move apartments as fast as possible, but I moved to this different country to be with her, and they are having a huge housing/rental crisis right now, so it's ridiculously difficult to find an apartment. All of my close friends here are mutual friends I've met through her, and they pretty much don't even want to talk about the breakup, which I totally understand, so I don't press it, but it's not like I can live with any of them. I'm pretty much stuck here until she throws me out, which she can do anytime since she's the only one on the lease.

 

Today I realized I need to completely find a new attitude because I've put myself in the debased situation where she can freely mind f me. I sent her a simple text message asking where an important document I needed was, since it came in the mail when I was away, and she had put it somewhere. Completely out of context and not at all relevant to my asking about the document she just rejected me out of nowhere saying she didn't want to be with me, which didn't have anything to do with what I asked her. That let me know that I really need to snap out of it, but I'm not sure how to react the next time I see her.

 

I know I should just react cooly and act like I don't care, but I'm really bad at that when it comes to someone I love and was with for so long. I also can't be too much of a b to her, cause she could throw me out, and then I'd be homeless.

 

She really seems like she has no romantic feelings for me at all anymore, so it's not like being non-chalant will work, cause that will just remind me of that and piss me off, so other than avoiding her all together, which I can't do till I move, what is the best attitude to fake?

 

 

 

First of all, she seems like a complete a**hole! Who would say, "I don't want to be with you" after you ask her a simple question in text message. As you explain it, you havent bugged her at all... and you guys rarely see eachother. Whats her deal? Do you guys have any other bad history that you aren't mentioning that maybe she is carrying around hostility because of?

 

Other than that, she just seems like a complete jerk and you don't deserve to be treated that way. You went to a diff country to live with her. She knows you're all alone... the littlest she could do is atleast be there for you as a friend and help guide you to finding a place for yourself. Or atleast not be so hostile, as you prob already feel alone enough.

 

I definitely recommend NC and to get out of that apartment as soon as possible.

 

She may like seeing you upset and hurt and may be trying to get to you, so don't let her get her way.

 

In the meantime, act nonchalant. Act as if she's just a girl you just met on the street. Give her no attention at all. Be as independent as possible and show her you don't need her... because she's shown you she doesn't deserve even your association and doesn't even deserve to be associates with you, basically.

 

Don't pay her any mind and look toward the future. You will find a lovely, wonderful girl waiting for you in the future... you just need to get out of this situation! You deserve much more! Hope you stick to NC and atleast treat her very nonchalantly for now and barely act like you recognize her!

 

Things will get better... be strong. :-) we're here for you!!!

 

xxx, hugs

[singsparkles]

So It's been about 2.5 months since the breakup and I still feel like a mess. I still miss her all the freaking time, still love her, would still entertain the idea of getting back together even though I know it's not going to happen. The acceptance stage is going strong, but the greiving feels like it's going to last awhile. I have to be in minimal contact with her due to some mail forwarding and wrapping up of our living together, but that will hopefully end within the next few weeks. So I do look forward to that. I'm also 90% sure she is seeing someone new, which, I might run into them at a friend's party at the end of the month. Ugh.

 

I hung out with a girl today that is super cute, but I think she only likes me as a friend, which is totally ok, as I know I'm not ready for anything serious, but as I haven't had any sort of affection or attraction from a woman in ages (my ex stopped being affectionate a good couple weeks before she dumped me, so it's been a good 3 months since getting any sort of physical attention from a woman) so it would be nice if she at least wanted to have some fun together. She dates a lot anyway, and is pretty open with this, so fine by me. Still, I'm good with the friendzone for now, if that even proceeds to that point.

 

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. Keeping contact to a minimum until I can go complete NC, going out with friends, working on my professional life, doing things by myself, still I can't help but have feelings for her. Wish I could stop as easily as she did.

 

 

 

I know how you feel. It's hard to turn your feelings on and off for someone. Especially when you truly loved them. It's not like there's a switch button for on and off.

 

But I think what you're doing is great... going out, meeting new people, having fun. Nothing may be serious now, but give it time... you will meet someone. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but when they come, they will blow your mind away!

 

Work on yourself and being happy right now and everything will fall into place.

 

Keep doing NC and things will get easier and easier as the months go by.

 

If you happen to see your ex at a party, just say hi and smile and act like she doesn't bother you ONE BIT. And also, bring a friend to the party, a girl friend would be even better. Show your ex you're doing well and you don't need her! Because you don't. You're a wonderful, strong woman... you will be fine... time heals all wounds, just remember that!!! Things always get better!

[Zzyxx]

I know how you feel. It's hard to turn your feelings on and off for someone. Especially when you truly loved them. It's not like there's a switch button for on and off.

 

But I think what you're doing is great... going out, meeting new people, having fun. Nothing may be serious now, but give it time... you will meet someone. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but when they come, they will blow your mind away!

 

Work on yourself and being happy right now and everything will fall into place.

 

Keep doing NC and things will get easier and easier as the months go by.

 

If you happen to see your ex at a party, just say hi and smile and act like she doesn't bother you ONE BIT. And also, bring a friend to the party, a girl friend would be even better. Show your ex you're doing well and you don't need her! Because you don't. You're a wonderful, strong woman... you will be fine... time heals all wounds, just remember that!!! Things always get better!

 

Thank you so much singspsarkles. That really means a lot, as yeah I still don't have many friends here, and as previously explained most of the friends I have don't want to hear about the break up, so It kind of compacts the loneliness. I'm out of the apartment, but because I need to move like every week or month (finding a room to rent here is a nightmare) I still need to have a permanent mailing address (it's also required by law here) so I have no choice but to get my mail sent there as it's the last place on record where I lived. So I'm still forced to do limited contact, but the MINUTE I find a permanent place to live (permanent being more than a month) I am going complete NC.

 

It's just harder to start your life completely over from scratch in a foreign country, but I'm kind of doing it piece. It's just really lonely, and the city where I am sucks to be single cause the culture is one where everyone is either already coupled up by 25 (so I'm two years past the prime) or I just don't fit in with the scene here. So I'm trying to be comfortable being alone most of the time.

 

The LC is definitely making things harder, but until I find a place I can't go NC. I think you're right though, once I do it will be a bit easier. It's always just a tough reminder that she's so over it and I'm still so miserable, but that's the nature of breakups I guess.

[Zzyxx]

So I went on another bender this weekend. A mutual friend of mine texted me and said they were going clubbing at 6:30am so I said why not and was in the club until 4pm the next day. It was confirmed that my ex has been on a few dates, which even though I figured, really really hurts because a lot of the bs she was saying was that she wanted to be alone and be independent and all the bs someone says when they are dumping you. I miss her so much.

 

So obviously I got a bit drunk and said a whole bunch of emotional stuff, and cried in the middle of the club and my friend and his gf were really nice about it, but yeah, it wasn't my finest hour. I wish I could care enough about anything to make good life decisions, but I just feel like there is a huge piece of me missing and a hole in my heart without her. In addition to being my gf, we were a team, and in a lot of ways she was my best friend, and now I have nothing.

 

I still can't find a place to live so in 9 days I will also be homeless. Things can always be worse, but I would just like something, anything that can give me a break from the pain.

[Zzyxx]

So I've been documenting how very much I wish could go NC. Unfortunately, because in this country you're legally required to have a registered address which must be the same as your mailing address, oh and also that I'm homeless since ex broke up with me and have only been able to find random short term sublets, I've needed to have LC only via e-mail to pick up important and official mail from ex (if the government finds out you're not living there you can get fined and my visa could be in trouble, and I don't even have a permanent address I can send mail to). I knew that I only had a few more days before my sublet was up, and still hadn't been able to find a new place/sublet. So the other night while I was interviewing for a room my ex texts me and calls and of course I didn't pick up cause I was in the middle of the interview. She asks me to call her cause she has to talk to me about something that's too complicated to e-mail about, so I do, thinking it's about the mail. She's perfectly nice and chummy and then says that our mutual friend let slip how I've been having horrible luck finding a place to live. So she says that her best friend and her husband are going out of town for 10 days, and if I want I can move back into her (OUR ex old apartment we used to share that I had to move out of and why I'm homeless in the first place) apartment for 10 days and she'll stay at the friends. But she's gonna charge me 100 for the 10 days.

 

Of course at this point I'm thinking "hell no, I'd rather die" but she's being really nice about it. Then today I had to go pick up some super important mail and saw her and again she's super nice and chummy and commenting on how I should bundle up cause it was raining and cold and kept repeating all nicely about how I should wear a scarf so I don't get sick. I was in a hurry so I thanked her for the package and took off. Later I made first big mistake number one and texted her again asking if it was ok if my work sent me one more package to her addy or I could try and find another place to send it to. She was cool and to the point about it, whereas I was way too chatty and looked like a schmo. My name is still on the front door and mailbox however.

 

Then tonight, I find out there was a HUGE miscommunication between the girl I was subletting from about when she'd be back, and she's coming back in two days and I have no idea what to do. I made some short term arrangements to stay with various friends, but it won't cover the whole time. So I e-mail ex in a panic (though hopefully she couldn't tell just how panicked I was) and said yeah I'd take her up on her offer. Then I continued to e-mail her back and forth all night, again sounding way too chatty and flirty and her being to the point and not interested.

 

So, now I'm basically re-moving back into the place she kicked me out for 10 days, and then getting kicked out again, all for the privellege of paying 100.

 

Yes, I am also staying on friend's couches, but I just don't have enough friends in stable living situations where I can stay with a few indefinitely, and no I don't have enough money at this point to stay in motels or hostels with all of my stuff, since I MUST also work from home a lot, it's just not an option.

 

I know this is just a God awful and stupid situation but I don't know what else to do. I'm still in love with her, I still want her back, but I know it won't happen and I am quite literally back where I started after three months.

 

Yes, I do want to just move home at this point, but I signed a few work contracts which legally obligate me to stay here at least another month.

 

So yeah, screwed. The problem is too, she is actually being nice about it. She doesn't have to do any of this, I'm just butt hurt because she dumped me and I want her back, which also makes me feel worse.

[Zzyxx]

Since I can't say it to her, I'll say it here.

 

 

Things I miss:

 

- How we were a team

- We built stuff together

- We never had the Friday night blues together

- Cooking dinner when she got home from work

- Watching our show together every Friday night while eating dinner

-When we both just decided to forget eating healthy and would have burgers or pizza

- Going out drinking together

- Watching football games together

- Watching soccer together

- How passionate she was about soccer

- How when she decided something was her new favorite thing she would memorize all the facts and stats about it

- How she was good at fixing things and DIY

- She was good and knowledgeable with technical stuff

- That she was bilingual

- Eating lunch at her parents house and doing things with her family

- Hanging out with her sister

- Hanging out with her friends

- Hanging out with our friends

- Doge and Doge speak

- Admiring the stuff we bought for the apartment together

- Sitting on the balcony and drinking a wine or beer in nice weather and admiring our neighborhood

- Watching our police show on Sundays

- Her hair (whenever I see someone on the street with your hair type I freak out because I think maybe it’s you)

- When she’d let me borrow her bike cause it was better than her old one that she gave me

- The way she wore her glasses

- Her stupid sweater shirt combos (I always thought they looked ridiculous at the time, but now I miss it for some reason)

- How she used organic soap cause she didn’t want the fish to die (also thought it was stupid at the time but now I do it too)

- Her accent

- The the way she made coffee (somehow always did it better than me)

- Her sense of humor

- The fact we like the same weird stuff no one else seems to

- That even though she was also kind of a negative person she would do her best to cheer me up

- When I’d come home from being away at work for a week and when I got back it would be date night

- Making fun of her feet

- Head touching

- Her complaining about my cactuses

- Doing both of our laundry

- Cleaning the apartment

- Making fun about CBB

- Her love for her favorite animal

- The favorite animal song

- Crack

- Fook

- Celebrating holidays and birthdays together

- Our two year anniversary celebration

 

I don't miss:

 

- Her not liking physical intimacy, or at least not as much as me

- How she always put her best friend first without question and her job sometimes second

- Her never making any plans

- When she'd get depressed

- Her total lack of self awareness

- Her obsession with her phone

- She never acknowledged when I was trying my best

- She never acknowledged the opportunity cost I gave up to move to a foreign country to be with her

- The fact everyone knew I was more attached to her than she was to me (which I didn’t think anyone even noticed until R’s girlfriend said that comment like it was the funniest joke in the world)

- How she wouldn’t text or call me that much when we were apart for long periods of time

- Her never wanting to work on herself until after she dumped me in order to get better for the next girl

- Waiting till things were finally looking up in her life and THEN dumping me

 

Things that devastate me:

 

- How fast and easily she was able to get over me

- That she is happier without me

- That she's super excited to date again and I kind of just hate everyone and everything

- That I will probably have to see her and a new woman together WAAAAAY before I am ready

- That I have to remain LC for at least a few more weeks

[Zzyxx]

So it’s been over 4 months since she dumped me and had been a good solid month of total NC as I finally found a new place and was able to get my mail sorted. I was feeling pretty great. I was congratulating myself on the daily being like, “Wow, zzyx, you got over a 2.5 year relationship, your longest and most serious in which you moved to another continent just for her, in 4 months! You go girl! I’m amazing!”

 

Until of course idiot me allows my phone to fall out of my pocket on the bus and I lose it. Sure I’m pissed that I’m out a phone and a SIM card, but I get even more pissed when I remember, oh yeah, I’m technically still on her contract (even though I’d been paying the bill myself for almost the last year, since it’s this kind of pre-paid direct debit but not a real contract thing they have here in Europe) I hadn’t remembered to get that sorted. The final F**** loose end. I even called the phone company so as to avoid having to speak to her, and they said no dice, they couldn’t do anything, not even cancel my account, until I sorted it with her.

 

So I had to send that kind of awkward e-mail, whereby I find out that she is currently on a romantic seaside vacation with her new gf. Not so awesome. That’s why she’s not e-mailing me back. Stellar. So now I have to keep bugging her about the damn thing mixed with the knowledge of why she is taking forever to respond.

 

And I mean, I knew she was dating again. But it’s just another wonderful reminder of how she never ever wanted to do anything like that with me, but I still nursed her through her workaholicness and depression to get her ready for the new girl who gets to go on a romantic trip.

 

So yeah, the fact this is pissing me off and making me sad to no end clearly means I’m not as over it as I think. I can’t wait to get this F**** phone thing sorted so I can go back to NC where I belong. I guess I’ll shoot to be over her by the next four months.