Zzyxx Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 My gf of 2.5 years broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. It's been very hard for me, but I pretty much have no problem at all going NC when I don't have to see her since I know how important NC is for healing. However, the problem is we have been living together for the last 10 months and currently share an apartment. So obviously I have to see her some of the time. Fortunately this hasn't been as bad as it could be, because I work in another part of the country a few times out of the month, and she's off traveling. So during the last 3 weeks I've pretty much only had to see her in person twice. The problem is during these two times I've pretty much done the exact opposite in every way shape and form of what you're supposed to do when you get dumped. I think her reasons for dumping me (as do a lot of our mutual friends) were more situational (she'd been unhappy for a long time because of her job, which caused a lot of problems in the relationship, she recently got laid off, which was great because she got a fat severance package and was really happy again and our relationship was going good again, and we made plans to travel, spend more time together ect. Then we got in a dumb and what I thought was trivial argument since it was that time of the month for me, and she used it as an excuse to break up with me cause now she's in this 'whole new life, lets get rid of everything old that doesn't make me happy all of the time' attitude). So I'd really used the last three weeks to focus on things I did wrong in the relationship (I did do some stuff wrong that I see more clearly now) and would say that things were different now, situations were a lot different (this was all very true) and we could work on it from a different perspective. She's let me know every single time she's not interested, but I can't seem to stop myself from trying to convince her to get back together, even though I know it's horrible and degrading. I've finally managed to stop myself, which is now why I need advice how to proceed. I'm trying to move apartments as fast as possible, but I moved to this different country to be with her, and they are having a huge housing/rental crisis right now, so it's ridiculously difficult to find an apartment. All of my close friends here are mutual friends I've met through her, and they pretty much don't even want to talk about the breakup, which I totally understand, so I don't press it, but it's not like I can live with any of them. I'm pretty much stuck here until she throws me out, which she can do anytime since she's the only one on the lease. Today I realized I need to completely find a new attitude because I've put myself in the debased situation where she can freely mind f me. I sent her a simple text message asking where an important document I needed was, since it came in the mail when I was away, and she had put it somewhere. Completely out of context and not at all relevant to my asking about the document she just rejected me out of nowhere saying she didn't want to be with me, which didn't have anything to do with what I asked her. That let me know that I really need to snap out of it, but I'm not sure how to react the next time I see her. I know I should just react cooly and act like I don't care, but I'm really bad at that when it comes to someone I love and was with for so long. I also can't be too much of a b to her, cause she could throw me out, and then I'd be homeless. She really seems like she has no romantic feelings for me at all anymore, so it's not like being non-chalant will work, cause that will just remind me of that and piss me off, so other than avoiding her all together, which I can't do till I move, what is the best attitude to fake?
mightycpa Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Sell all your stuff for fire sale prices, and buy a ticket back to your country of origin. Ship back your "pre-girl" memorabilia in advance, and give everything else away. Ask her to take the time out to find your papers, then, making a point of putting your toothbrush in your pocket, ask her for a ride to your room at a hotel. Invite all those "friends" to meet you there when she drops you off to give you a going away party. Make sure they pay. Then get the hell out of there the next day. That would be totally cool.
Author Zzyxx Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Sell all your stuff for fire sale prices, and buy a ticket back to your country of origin. Ship back your "pre-girl" memorabilia in advance, and give everything else away. Ask her to take the time out to find your papers, then, making a point of putting your toothbrush in your pocket, ask her for a ride to your room at a hotel. Invite all those "friends" to meet you there when she drops you off to give you a going away party. Make sure they pay. Then get the hell out of there the next day. That would be totally cool. Hahaha, that WOULD be. Unfortunately my country of origin sucks compared to the current one, so I'd like to stay. That and I don't have the money for a hotel, but if I did, whoa boy would I take your advice
Author Zzyxx Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 (edited) Still stuck living together. Sent out another billion requests to rent a room. No responses. Still tempted to throw myself at her despite her constant rejections over the many times I've thrown myself at her the two times we've interacted in the three weeks since she's dumped me. Still no new friends despite efforts, however I did learn from the mutual friends we share that she's fabricated bs reasons that she dumped me that aren't half true. That was nice. Still alone in our awesome apartment that I paid half the rent on that she will soon throw me out of cause she is the lease holder. And I'm So very very very tired of all of my kind of mutual friends I don't really have here and quite single romantically dysfunctional parents telling me to "move on." Well duh. duh, duh, duh, duh duh. Sorry she was my longest relationship at 2.5 years. Sorry we are quite old enough to know better and well into ages where marriage was a possibility. Sorry we picked out this apartment that we shared and both contributed to building it into what it is, but that she has more money than me and can throw me out of. Sorry I moved to another country after years of us knowing each to live with her. Sorry this country actually has a full fledged newspaper article devoted to it about how it is hard to make friends here and that there is a housing crisis. And of course it's raining outside when I wanted to go buy a snack. Edited August 13, 2014 by Zzyxx Spelling.
Miss Match Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 That must be really hard. Having moved to a new country for a relationship that has failed. What's your plan? What city are you in? You don't want to go back home?
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 I had a similar situation as you. Lived in a sweet house with the ex fiancee. Asked her to mover when we she dumped me. She refused. Then, magically, as soon as I moved out a month or so later, she was also gone in another 2 weeks. WTF?? Why didn't she just move when I asked her. Now, no one has the place. There is no easy answer. It sucks. But you are doing all the right things. And I can tell you it will be 100,000 times better as soon as you no longer co-habitate. Just be thankful she isn't parading around new dudes at the apartment... Hang in there. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things absolutely will get better. You just have to be strong and suck it up for now!!! 1
Author Zzyxx Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 That must be really hard. Having moved to a new country for a relationship that has failed. What's your plan? What city are you in? You don't want to go back home? Yeah, it totally is. I actually like the new country, I'm just super lonely since I don't really have many friends here. I don't want to go back home for now, since I also don't have anything waiting for me in my home country. Most of my old friends have spread out or are at very different places in their lives, and the job situation also isn't that great back there. I still may go back though since the loneliness and impending homelessness here is starting to get to me. Right now my only plan is to get out of this apartment haha!
Author Zzyxx Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 I had a similar situation as you. Lived in a sweet house with the ex fiancee. Asked her to mover when we she dumped me. She refused. Then, magically, as soon as I moved out a month or so later, she was also gone in another 2 weeks. WTF?? Why didn't she just move when I asked her. Now, no one has the place. There is no easy answer. It sucks. But you are doing all the right things. And I can tell you it will be 100,000 times better as soon as you no longer co-habitate. Just be thankful she isn't parading around new dudes at the apartment... Hang in there. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things absolutely will get better. You just have to be strong and suck it up for now!!! Thanks man, I'm really counting on it being better if I an get out of here! And that super sucks about your ex using the place to punish you. You seem to be doing better though. That's what I aspire to.
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Not sure what your exact situation is, but I moved from the state my ex and I were in. And, like you, I didn't know anyone here and I had no job prospects. It was scary, but also super exciting. Didn't want to go back home cause just like you said, everyone from my earlier days / past is doing something else, or gone from the area. It has now been six months and I have built a new life for myself. And the best part is, NO EX!! No worry of running into her. No worry of seeing her with someone else. No worry about her at all. I couldn't be happier about that situation!!! If you're in the same area as your ex now, move as soon as you can. Sounds like you might be in Europe? Go somewhere new. It can be very therapeutic!! And, things have a way of working themselves out. I know it seems very bleak now, but things will turn around. Just take the first step and it wall all start to fall in place!! 2
Author Zzyxx Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 So I still haven't been able to find a new apartment and ex and I are still sharing. In the three weeks since she's dumped me we thankfully haven't had to spend much time together because I work in another part of the country for 2 weeks out of the month, and she's been off traveling. That all changes tomorrow. At this point I'm just glad she isn't kicking me out cause then I'd be homeless (even though I pay a fair amount in rent), but the last two times I've had to see her in person I end up completely degrading myself and asking for her back countless times to which she always says hell no and that she isn't interested. So I guess is there any coping techniques I can use till I leave again for work next weekend? Luckily she isn't parading new love possibilities in front of me yet, but I have a feeling she is seeing someone new, or at least looking. Also, she's telling people made up bs reasons about why she dumped me, which really pisses me off, in addition to the fact she was all depressed during our last time together, which I helped her through, and now she's living the life having a great time doing a ton of things she never wanted to or agreed to do with me even though I'd beg her, then lying through her teeth to mutual friends and acquiantances and saying I never wanted to do anything or take any initiative when that was all her. So clearly I'm still sad, angry and bitter, but I can't let her see this. So what do I do to keep a clear head?
Zeurich Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Seems hard time for you. Why hard to find a place that much?
PegNosePete Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 At this point I'm just glad she isn't kicking me out cause then I'd be homeless (even though I pay a fair amount in rent) Hang on what up? Who owns the house? If it's rented, whose name is on the lease? Many people think it's easy to kick someone out of a house, and it's often suggested "oh just kick him/her out"... but often it isn't that easy, and there is no legality to it. Why do you think she would be able to kick you out? So clearly I'm still sad, angry and bitter, but I can't let her see this. So what do I do to keep a clear head? Right, you can't let her see that. Especially the angry part. If you're angry, aggressive or violent then it could give her a legal course to have you removed from the property. My advice: hit the gym, hang out with friends, invest in some quality noise-cancelling headphones. Don't enter into pointless discussions or arguments.
Elle1975 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Spend as little time as you can with her. Stay at a friend's if you can. Why are you still at the place? Is it a monetary issue? What's up with this situation? PS: I read your other post. I know it's hard to find a decent apartment sometimes. Have you considered rending a room from someone? That's what my mother does. She rents rooms in her house to supplement her income.
Author Zzyxx Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 Spend as little time as you can with her. Stay at a friend's if you can. Why are you still at the place? Is it a monetary issue? What's up with this situation? PS: I read your other post. I know it's hard to find a decent apartment sometimes. Have you considered rending a room from someone? That's what my mother does. She rents rooms in her house to supplement her income. Hey guys. Thanks so much for the responses, it means a lot. Basically it's so hard to find a room here because of a combination of unfortunate factors: First of all, there is a huge level of massive migration happening in the country/city I moved to. It is the most popular country/city in the region to move to right now, and the city's infrastructure wasn't designed to deal with it, so as a result there is huge competition for living spaces right now. Add to the list that I am a foreigner and don't make a ton of money, so I'm not a competitive a tenant as some would be. I'm looking for room shares and co-ops right now, but there's either just not a lot available or other people are more competitive options. I don't currently make enough money to stay in a hotel or hostel short term, because if I did find a place they usually want you to move in and pay asap, it would be subtracting from the amount I could pay towards a deposit and first months rent. I don't have many friends here yet and the ones I do are mutual friends I met through her, so they haven't extended the option to stay with them. Packing up and going home right now really isn't an option cause I couldn't afford the plane ticket, and I also wouldn't have a job back home. Most of my friends back home have moved on with their lives or live elsewhere, and I do have some employment opportunities here, so despite the soul crushing loneliness of not having friends and trying to move on from this break up all on my own, economically, and should I actually find an apartment, my long term opportunities are probably better if I try and stay here for the next few months. That being said I really appreciate any and all responses in light of not having actual people to talk to about this here where I am living. Going for a walk and getting out of the apartment as much as possible seem to be good options I will follow, I guess it's just for when I'm trapped there with her I don't want to break down crying if I can at all help it.
Strength in Healing Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 This is off topic but I have to ask. Are you named after my dude zyzz?
mtnbiker3000 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) All the BS she's saying? She's villainizing you. It's a common technique dumpers use to justify and rationalize their actions to themselves and others. Don't buy into it! At this point, just forget everything about her and associated with her. She's dead to you now!! Priority #1: find new living arrangements!!! If where you are currently, and back home aren't options... GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!! As another poster suggested, get on Craigslist and hit the Room for Rent section. It's what I did, and I found a sweet place. Do you live near any colleges or universities? There are always rooms for rent. And it's a great way to meet some new folks and have some people to socialize with. When I first got dumped, I rented a 1 bed, 1 bath for almost a year and I was extremely lonely and bored. Having roommates can do wonders!!! Edited August 15, 2014 by mtnbiker3000
Author Zzyxx Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 All the BS she's saying? She's villainizing you. It's a common technique dumpers use to justify and rationalize their actions to themselves and others. Don't buy into it! At this point, just forget everything about her and associated with her. She's dead to you now!! Priority #1: find new living arrangements!!! If where you are currently, and back home aren't options... GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!! As another poster suggested, get on Craigslist and hit the Room for Rent section. It's what I did, and I found a sweet place. Do you live near any colleges or universities? There are always rooms for rent. And it's a great way to meet some new folks and have some people to socialize with. When I first got dumped, I rented a 1 bed, 1 bath for almost a year and I was extremely lonely and bored. Having roommates can do wonders!!! Definitely, that is what I'm currently trying to do. It's hard to even find a room in a place to share, but I'm still trying to get that hammered out.
Author Zzyxx Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 Ex has been staying elsewhere while I search for a new place to live, but volunteered to help me with tax stuff tomorrow. As a thank you (and because I am desperate and ridiculous) I said that if she wasn't busy in the evening (she's helping me in the afternoon) I was thinking of cooking something, as kind of like a thank you for helping me. She turned me down and said she was just going to get some stuff and go back to the friends until I leave for work the next few days. So stupid of me. I know she doesn't want to be together yet literally when I have to be around her for any reason, despite all my efforts it's like I'm some crazy crackhead (I'm not) that can't help but throw myself at her. To be fair I was pretty good about it on Sunday, the last time we saw each other, but I've basically just taken like 20 billion steps back. Then she asked how my room search was coming, I was honest and said not great, but whether I found a place or moved back to my home country I promise I would be gone soon, so she wouldn't have to leave her own apartment, which I appreciated. And then more restrained logistical planning. Yeah, I basically took what extremely little progress I had made in the last 3 or 4 weeks and demolished it. Go me.
messymichelle Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 Dont beat yourself up over it, try and stay positive as a new start for you, hope it all works out well for you getting a new place and all, and hopefully then with distance between you both you can start to focus more on yourself.
Author Zzyxx Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 So I think I MAY have found a place to live until late October, and in that time I will have my visa renewal appointment and know if I'm allowed to stay in my current country or not. The problem is, what with still occasionally living with my ex (I will only see her about 5 days out of this month) and still needing to contact her due to visa/legal issues, I realistically cannot go complete NC and it's driving me totally crazy. I miss her so much, and would give anything to have her back. I'm dying inside. This isn't a new feeling, but I'm used to being able to go NC, and because I know the benefits of it, not being able to do it completely is really difficult and I feel like it's totally holding me back from moving on and not becoming totally depressed. I also know she really wants to start dating again, which is extra salt in the wound since one of the bs reasons she cited for dumping me is that she wants "space" and blah blah blah. I really don't know how to get over her when I'm forced to still see her. How do people with kids do it?
Author Zzyxx Posted August 26, 2014 Author Posted August 26, 2014 So I need to still stay at my ex's place occasionally until I can get some stuff moved into a temporary place in mid September, also I need her for a visa appointment in early October, but I want to delete her from fbook and online and just generally never talk to her again. How I wish this was possible. I'm still looking for a way to get to get the NC benefits without being possible to do NC, cause it's out of my control. On the upside, tonight I really wanted to check her dating profile or facebook, but I stopped myself since I know she's looking for people to date and it would just make me feel horrible. I guess that's a plus. Also, her sister messaged me wanting to meet up, and I said I'd like to very much, and asked if she was free the two days I was, but she never got back to me. It still meant a lot that she asked.
Author Zzyxx Posted September 1, 2014 Author Posted September 1, 2014 So I found a temporary place to live. I haven't been able to go strict NC since my ex and I lived together and have business to settle. I sent numerous text messages to my ex coordinating all the dates and times that I wouldn't be home this month due to work and other trips. She responded to all the messages, so I know she received them. I also sent her a long e-mail detailing dates and times that I would be gone, which she received, and she knew I had full access to internet/phone. I had asked for permission to sleep on her couch (and I did specify the couch) for one night cause I had to get up at 3am to take a flight (but she didn't know to where) the next day, and when I come back from my trip I am moving out. I was away at work (which is in a different part of the country) for a week, so before I left I also put all my stuff in one corner of the living room, which I told her about, and she said, "ok, thanks" and it was there for a week and she never said anything about it the whole time. She even added stuff to the pile. So the evening I come home from work I text her to let her know when I'll be home and she said she'd be out that evening and asked if I was really leaving at 3am, to which I said yes. She then asked where I was going, but I didn't respond, cause I didn't want her to know that I am taking a trip to my home country cause I'm really depressed over her dumping me, and I didn't want to have to explain all that. The rest of the evening we didn't talk. So I only had about 3 hours to sleep before having to get up to go to the airport. I was asleep on the couch in the living room and I heard my phone going off, so in mid sleep I hit airport mode, not even knowing who was texting me. After what I guess was a few minutes since I was still asleep, my ex bursts into the living room yelling at me. I'm trying to wake up and she's yelling about how it was bad of me to hang up on her (which I didn't) and how I knew she preferred to sleep in the living room (after we broke up she opted to sleep on the futon in the living room and I lived in the bedroom, but since I'd moved all my stuff into the corner, I figured she wanted the bedroom back since I wasn't there most of the time) and I always just do my own thing and was being selfish and blah blah blah by not allowing her to sleep in the living room and how it was annoying that all my crap was taking up space in the corner of the living room and ect ect. I explained to her how she had had a week to tell me that the stuff in the corner bothered her, but she never said anything, and that she also had a week to tell me if she wanted me to sleep in the bedroom instead, but I had told her I planned to sleep on the couch and she never said anything. I then offered to get up that moment and move my stuff somewhere else, but she was too busy being mad and yelling and said no. After letting this reasoning sink in, she then demanded to know where I was going. I told her that I was going away, but she kept pushing and pushing so I started saying that it was none of her business, to which she replied that it was. I explained that by dumping me, she forefeited her right to know things about me, and that I was trying to move on and establish boundries, and that included not having to explain where I was going. She then started trying to guess where I was going (she guessed correctly but I didn't confirm this) and wouldn't let up. She got mad I was using her sleeping bag, and basically was just working herself up. She said, "How could I be in a relationship with you? You're so complicated" to which I laughed and said that I learned from the best. She then went to the bedroom and threw these little toy flags I'd left in there into the living room and was like, " take your stupid flags." I told her that if she didn't stop asking where I was going and bothering me then I would leave and just hang out somewhere else until I had to go to the airport, and she finally left me alone. A few hours later I looked at the texts she'd sent me, and she had asked if I was awake and asked me to please not sleep in the living room cause she was coming home and wanted to watch tv, but I was asleep by the time she sent them. I sent her a text just saying that I'd only now received the texts, and I wished her well since when I got home I'd be moving out, so I wouldn't see her again. She texted me back saying she wished me well too "wherever I was." So why does she care about all this? She dumped me, so I don't see why any of this was an issue besides her wanting to watch tv I guess...I'm confused.
ThorntonMelon Posted September 1, 2014 Posted September 1, 2014 She's a control freak. Good lesson about not living with someone who dumped you. I understand your circumstances but a friend probably owns a couch you could use. Anyways, lesson learned.
Author Zzyxx Posted September 6, 2014 Author Posted September 6, 2014 I found a place to live for the next month until I figure out what I want to do. If I want to stay in the country I moved to in order to be with my ex, or just give up and go home. I do like it here, and I think it provides me better opportunities than going home, but everything here reminds me of her, and I don't really have any friends here so I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to get through this breakup entirely on my own with everything reminding me of her all the time. I guess what really gets me is also how right up until the very end, how totally fine and happy she is about the breakup. I know they say that when someone dumps you they've been getting over it for awhile, but she did the thing were right up until the end she said that we were a team and good together and then cited us suddenly not being good together when dumping me, so whatever. I guess that what kind of makes it worse is that I was there to witness how it has no effect on her, to where she is off partying right now and I'm balling my eyes out. Which ultimately means the fact I moved to this country for her and the last two and a half years are also so meaningless to her. The fact she also dumped me AFTER I saw her through a patch of depression and problems with her job also just makes me feel like an idiot for being so in love with her when she is totally fine. I don't know if I'm going to make it in this city.
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