headheldhigh14 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) I work for a guy who is 15 years older than me, and is married with children. He is hilarious, laid back, pretty cool and knows how to have a good time. I've worked with him a couple years ago on shortterm contract, and I'm back on another short term (couple months) but now he's my boss. He comes to my cubicle and we chit chat about nothing. He'll sometimes call me into his office to ask my opinion on some of his non-serious personal issues (e.g. what kind of jacket to buy). He invites me to go for coffee every morning, and sometimes lunch and coffee in the afternoon. His married buddy from work will also join us sometimes. But usually we go 1 on 1. (He never goes for coffee with anyone else. If he does, its very rare.) We have great conversations and its fun. Him, his buddy and another married buddy have said things and behaved in a way that makes me believe they find me to be gorgeous, hot. One day my boss told me a woman in the office thought he was sleeping with me. (I don't particularly like this woman.) But I am not. I am not attracted to him at all. He is just fun to talk to and hang out with. One day, my boss invites me to go drinking and swimming after work at the one married buddy's pool (without boss' wife there, but wife of the pool-owner would be, as she'd come home after her job ended). I don't go cause I had other commitments. A few days later, my boss emails me this...."If you want to go for coffee, ice cream, for a walk or hang out, I'm not pressuring you into something." Mind you, we have never had ice cream, walked or hung out, outside of work. But he does have my personal email address, which he uses. Anyway, I didn't know what to make of it. I simply said, "sure". What do you think he is trying to do? What are his intentions? Is he just being a friendly married man? Edited August 15, 2014 by headheldhigh14
shoegal4 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 You're playing with fire. Expect to get burned. Never mess with a married man. Do you want your husband going out with a hot co-worker for ice cream? Think about it. Don't do that to yourself. 3
Zahara Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Give me a break. How would you feel if your husband was traipsing all over town with another woman -- going for drinks, swimming together, walks in the park, etc., regardless if the woman was into him or not. Playing coy and naive. You know he wants to have you. It all seems very straightforward. He's mapping a plan to get into your pants. That's what the offer means. Go and make friends with the women at work. I'm not sure why you seem to gravitate to married men and enjoy their company but I can guess you like being around them because of the attention they give you. You need to pick up on some healthy boundaries. 4
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) Yes, I enjoy the attention. But no, I do not want to be with a married man. Not interested in him or unavailable men whatsoever. He is just fun to hang out with. I do not want to cross a line. That's why I felt a little weird when he invited me for ice cream and swimming -- felt it was maybe getting a little too friendly. Wasn't sure his intentions. If you are wrong, and he just sees me as a cool chick that he really connects and has fun with, only as a friend (we don't have sex), why would his wife have a problem with that unless she's insecure and jealous? If you are right and he wants more or sex, do a lot of men (players) "move in" on women this way? Because it seemed all friendly and innocent at first. He wasn't coming on strong or anything. And, given my situation above, how could the circumstances or my boss' actions been different to suggest instead that he was just being friendly and plutonic? Edited August 15, 2014 by headheldhigh14
Zahara Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Yes, I enjoy the attention. This is not the attention you should be seeking. It says something about who you are if you like married men wagging their tongues at you. It's of the negative kind. How would you like it if your boyfriend and husband was doing this behind your back? Salivating over another woman? You need to start thinking about these things. He is just fun to hang out with. I do not want to cross a line. That's why I felt a little weird when he invited me for ice cream and swimming -- felt it was maybe getting a little too friendly, but wasn't sure. Thanks for confirming that he is likely looking for more. And I am sure he thinks you're "fun" to hang out with. He's selling himself. Enticing you. And you're lapping it up. He's hoping that the "fun" times will hopefully slowly transition into him getting into your pants. Do a lot of men (players) "move in" on women this way? Because it seemed all friendly and innocent at first. He wasn't coming on strong or anything. Leave players aside. We're talking about a married man. It was probably friendly and innocent but when you're giving him signs that you are available to him, he's going to try and take it further. 2
Zahara Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) If you are wrong, and he just sees me as a cool chick that he really connects and has fun with, only as a friend (we don't have sex), why would his wife have a problem with that unless she's insecure and jealous? If you're just a cool chick, how about you tell him to include you and wife into pool time with his buddies and their wives. Why would he leave his wife out? Ask him if he's mentioned "the cool chick" to his wife. And, how would you feel if your husband was hanging out with a cool chick without you around? It's not about insecurity and jealousy. It's about having respectful boundaries. Edited August 15, 2014 by Zahara 2
Elle1975 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 He's trying to get into your pants. That's pretty clear. Married men don't hang out with gorgeous women without their wives without having dubious intentions. 1
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 I should mention I did learn from a close female confidant of mine (who also works there) that he cheated on his wife a year ago. He cheated with someone he worked with. He felt really awful about it, he was devastated at the hurt he caused. But his wife and him stayed together after that. He did allude a bit to the fact that he is going through a rough patch with her lately.
Zahara Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I should mention I did learn from a close female confidant of mine (who also works there) that he cheated on his wife a year ago. He cheated with someone he worked with. He felt really awful about it, he was devastated at the hurt he caused. But his wife and him stayed together after that. So, he's already shown you that he's a cheater. He's shown you that he will prey on women at work. So awful and devastated that he's trying it again. He's just repeating the pattern. If he was ever remorseful and repentant, it wouldn't have gone this far with you. The last thing he would do is jeopardize his marriage with his current behavior. He'd be on his best behavior, keeping far away from women at work and entertaining them on the side. He did allude a bit to the fact that he is going through a rough patch with her lately. Yep, textbook. 2
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 Yep, textbook. How do you mean textbook? To numb his guilt and my guilt about any wrongdoing? I walked in on him one day in his office and saw he was quite upset, crying, at his desk. Said he couldn't talk. He seemed genuine. I assume its cause of his wife. If he's genuine, why would he jeapordize his marriage by enteraining any thoughts of me? Maybe hanging with me is innocent and just helps get his mind off the difficulties of his marriage? Or is he lining me up for when his marriage ends cause its on the rocks anyway? Do men who stray do so whenever they are fighting with their spouse or are in a rough patch? And use that as an excuse?
2sunny Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 He's grooming you and over time stepping up the offers that - to YOU - seem innocent enough. But his intentions don't look innocent now. Knowing what you know now - it's safe to say that you should decide what YOUR healthy boundary is and stick to that! While deciding what YOUR healthy boundary is - keep in mind: His wife's feelings What's appropriate for any married person That you caused people you work with to already make assumptions that are deemed "inappropriate" That participating further could cause you to lose work That married men shouldn't be trying so hard to connect with other women other than their wife And next time he invites you ask him to ALSO invite his wife! That ought to give you an idea IF his intentions are innocent or not. He is exhibiting behaviors that show he wants more intimacy with you - that would be fine IF he were single - but the issues HE'S having in his M are most likely because he is spending effort and energy focused on you instead of his wife! YOU can control that by shutting down his advances. And yes, they are advances that are inappropriate for any married man attempting to repair the damage they've caused by prior cheating. He's asking you to be his NEXT OW. Let's hope you can see it now and change the way you participate which will change YOUR future. Unless.... You don't mind being his OW... 2
Zahara Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) How do you mean textbook? To numb his guilt and my guilt about any wrongdoing? Textbook line from a married man that's seeking excitement, distraction and an excuse to step out of the marriage. I walked in on him one day in his office and saw he was quite upset, crying, at his desk. Said he couldn't talk. He seemed genuine. I assume its cause of his wife. It doesn't matter. Their marriage is not your issue and if he has issues with his wife, it doesn't give him an excuse to break boundaries. He should be working on his marriage instead of hanging out with a cool chick -- taking walks, ice-cream, etc. If he's genuine, why would he jeapordize his marriage by enteraining any thoughts of me? Maybe hanging with me is innocent and just helps get his mind off the difficulties of his marriage? He's a cheater. How do you think he started with the other woman at work and ended up cheating on his wife. The same way he started with you. You're naive, OP. This is how an affair starts. Or is he lining me up for when his marriage ends cause its on the rocks anyway? They rarely leave. If you're not interested in him that way, I am not sure why you're looking this far into the future. His marriage was probably not ideal to him when he cheated on his wife. He's still married. It's called cake-eating. It's on the rocks? How do you know? Unless you hear from the wife that they're on the verge of divorce, don't trust the words of a cheater. Do men who stray do so whenever they are fighting with their spouse or are in a rough patch? And use that as an excuse? I have 3 girlfriends who are with married men. All three of these men complain about their wives and their miserable life but they're still happily married and having their cake and eating it too. Edited August 15, 2014 by Zahara 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 THIS EXACTLY. OP, stop playing naive. You know your boss is crossing all kinds of boundaries and you're eating it up because you, admittedly, enjoy the attention. Give me a break. How would you feel if your husband was traipsing all over town with another woman -- going for drinks, swimming together, walks in the park, etc., regardless if the woman was into him or not. Playing coy and naive. You know he wants to have you. It all seems very straightforward. He's mapping a plan to get into your pants. That's what the offer means. Go and make friends with the women at work. I'm not sure why you seem to gravitate to married men and enjoy their company but I can guess you like being around them because of the attention they give you. You need to pick up on some healthy boundaries. 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 He's basically testing the waters with you...seeing if you're receptive to him and so far..you have been. Tread carefully, even if you're intending to just be friends.
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 Thanks everyone!!! I just want to be sure I'm not reading too much into it. Looks like I should trust my gut, and awkward feelings with this guy's form of "friendliness". I will be friendly at work but keep it at work, and keep it completely plutonic and inclusive of everyone at work. Next time he suggests more, I will mention his wife and inviting her to join. Otherwise, I will bow out. I am not comfortable with what he is trying to do. And draw the line.
preraph Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) He's trying to get an affair started. He thinks he can trust you not to tell and make a fuss at this point. Listen, yes, you can be friends with men, but it's very unusual that they cultivate a strictly friendship with a woman without thinking about how they could safely make it lead to sex. You're going to have to set a boundary here. Don't go anywhere with him just the two of you. You should be able to be up front with him if you have that good of a rapport and just say, Hey, especially since we work together and people at work could start talking, let's always take someone else along so no one gets the wrong idea. I don't want them resenting me. If he argues, remind him he's married and you just don't think it's a good idea outside of just quick lunch during work hours. I had a great rapport with one of my bosses back years ago. We had fun sparring. I was really worried about it because I knew he loved his wife and family a lot, plus he also got real chummy with this lesbian at work and took her fishing and stuff, so it all seemed above-board. But then he started acting a little whispery and shady and he knew I was looking for a new place to live and he said how about I buy a rent house and rent it to you out by where I live (which was a ways away), and I said, Oh, I probably can't afford a house, but that's sweet. He said, "How much can you afford?" I told him a low figure and he said, "We can do that -- but I get a key." Because I was used to sparring with him, I didn't miss a beat, thank god, and said, "Uh, your WIFE can have a key." That shut him up. Edited August 15, 2014 by preraph 2
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 I am actually getting creeped out by this guy now that I realize he is trying to start something with me (for sure he is). I see it now. Sooooooooo GROSS!!! He could be my father for crying out loud. I think I just want nothing to do with him. But he's my boss, ugh. I think I'll just taper off interactions, claim I'm really busy with other things, and wait til my contract is up and find a job elsewhere.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I think I just want nothing to do with him. But he's my boss, ugh. I think I'll just taper off interactions, claim I'm really busy with other things, and wait til my contract is up and find a job elsewhere. I think this sounds like a plan. I would avoid him in the office for anything but work-related conversation. You need to make it very clear that you will not ever be receptive to his advances. Make up a new boyfriend if you need to.
preraph Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Just be polite at work and find excuses to not be alone with him. It never hurts to ask about his wife and family.
todreaminblue Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Yes, I enjoy the attention. But no, I do not want to be with a married man. Not interested in him or unavailable men whatsoever. He is just fun to hang out with. I do not want to cross a line. That's why I felt a little weird when he invited me for ice cream and swimming -- felt it was maybe getting a little too friendly. Wasn't sure his intentions. If you are wrong, and he just sees me as a cool chick that he really connects and has fun with, only as a friend (we don't have sex), why would his wife have a problem with that unless she's insecure and jealous? If you are right and he wants more or sex, do a lot of men (players) "move in" on women this way? Because it seemed all friendly and innocent at first. He wasn't coming on strong or anything. And, given my situation above, how could the circumstances or my boss' actions been different to suggest instead that he was just being friendly and plutonic? i dont know what plutonic means but i know platonic means not having ice cream time with a married man..... ok maybe its all innocent he has no idea that he is skirting the line of inappropriateness....so ask him if his wife is coming...you would love to meet her. and it would be a perfect opportunity for you to meet her...see how he reacts to that...if he is safe he will want you to meet his wife he shoudl love and respect who eh thinks the world of..... if he isnt you will get a negative on bringing the wife....when you are friends with married men you have to respect their choices as you would any friend......and that choice is they married a woman and she is important to them so leave it that way....deb 2
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