callernumber9 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I need to get this off my chest. I started dating my girlfriend just under 3 years ago. From the get go, I made it clear that I was looking for a long-term relationship and she agreed. We carried on much of our relationship with the belief that we would be together forever. We met in college and the first years were your typical honeymoon stage. During most of the relationship, we saw each other nearly everyday, slept over each others' places frequently, and discussed plans of marriage, children, etc. She graduated last semester and moved back home while I still have one left to finish. We decided to maintain a long distance relationship until I graduated and then move in together and for the first two months, everything seemed fine. She started a new job a few weeks ago though and that's when things started to change. Phone calls became less frequent, much shorter, and much quieter. Texts had become terse. I had a feeling something was different and when I asked her if everything was alright, she told me that she still cared about me but that she wanted to take a break, citing a need to figure out what she wants in this relationship as her reason and whether we really have a future together. I'm trying to take this time to re-evaluate what I want in the relationship as well. I thought about all the things I did wrong, all of the things I could have changed, and about what I really wanted in life. I realized that because she had become such a big part of my life, my ability to function as an individual had become increasingly difficult. I stopped hanging out with some friends, stopped doing things I used to enjoy, and that I had made my happiness her responsibility. I realized that I was too needy at times and overly emotional in order to make her feel guilty for my unhappiness. I would create idealized scenarios in my mind and expect her to fulfill them. I would blame her for perceived grievances and held grudges about them. These are hard truths to swallow but now that I'm realizing all of the things that I did wrong, I know what I need to change about myself in order to become not only a better boyfriend but a better person as well. I also came to the conclusion that I don't want to end things because I still really love her and still want to start a family with her but I don't know if she still feels the same way. I'm terrified by the prospect of ending things before I can apologize and prove to her that I can be better. We've been on a break for about a week now but not being able to tell her these things is killing me and it's all I can do to keep myself from calling her and begging her to get back together. We never set any terms for this break and the last time I talked to her was when I reluctantly agreed. Would it be a bad idea to make contact in order to tell her these things or even just to set some terms for this break regarding contact, length of the break, etc. ?
TAV Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I need to get this off my chest. I started dating my girlfriend just under 3 years ago. From the get go, I made it clear that I was looking for a long-term relationship and she agreed. We carried on much of our relationship with the belief that we would be together forever. We met in college and the first years were your typical honeymoon stage. During most of the relationship, we saw each other nearly everyday, slept over each others' places frequently, and discussed plans of marriage, children, etc. She graduated last semester and moved back home while I still have one left to finish. We decided to maintain a long distance relationship until I graduated and then move in together and for the first two months, everything seemed fine. She started a new job a few weeks ago though and that's when things started to change. Phone calls became less frequent, much shorter, and much quieter. Texts had become terse. I had a feeling something was different and when I asked her if everything was alright, she told me that she still cared about me but that she wanted to take a break, citing a need to figure out what she wants in this relationship as her reason and whether we really have a future together. I'm trying to take this time to re-evaluate what I want in the relationship as well. I thought about all the things I did wrong, all of the things I could have changed, and about what I really wanted in life. I realized that because she had become such a big part of my life, my ability to function as an individual had become increasingly difficult. I stopped hanging out with some friends, stopped doing things I used to enjoy, and that I had made my happiness her responsibility. I realized that I was too needy at times and overly emotional in order to make her feel guilty for my unhappiness. I would create idealized scenarios in my mind and expect her to fulfill them. I would blame her for perceived grievances and held grudges about them. These are hard truths to swallow but now that I'm realizing all of the things that I did wrong, I know what I need to change about myself in order to become not only a better boyfriend but a better person as well. I also came to the conclusion that I don't want to end things because I still really love her and still want to start a family with her but I don't know if she still feels the same way. I'm terrified by the prospect of ending things before I can apologize and prove to her that I can be better. We've been on a break for about a week now but not being able to tell her these things is killing me and it's all I can do to keep myself from calling her and begging her to get back together. We never set any terms for this break and the last time I talked to her was when I reluctantly agreed. Would it be a bad idea to make contact in order to tell her these things or even just to set some terms for this break regarding contact, length of the break, etc. ? I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP. So how long do you need to finish your studies? It sounds as if you will be able to join her soon, also in her new working life, so being apart - not knowing when you will be together again - cannot really be the issue here. My guess is that she has been having doubts about the relationship for some time and now that there is some distance she has found the courage to speak up. I'm not sure if there is something you can do to save this. Taking the whole blame for it seems unfair to yourself. You are both still fairly young, you change so much during those years. Try to get some closure by indeed having a talk with her but understand that you cannot change her feelings back to the way they were. You do have a right to ask her the terms of the break, you do have a right to ask for what you need, it does not all have to be on her terms.
mightycpa Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I think you're about 1/3 of the way through your journey. You have a pretty good sense of all the things you've done wrong, and you probably have a willingness to change. But don't underestimate the effort that will be involved - change is not easy, and it is very easy to fall back into the same old patterns with the same people. The next 1/3 is if you can examine her behavior just as closely, and identify all the things that she did wrong, and articulate all the things about her that you don't like very much. If you go back to her, you'll begin to see them, again, because people establish patterns with each other. The final 1/3 is when you're willing and able to discuss these things frankly with her, and see if there is any common ground in terms of willingness to discuss these things candidly, an eagerness to change for themselves, and a strong and unwavering desire to try again. That's a lot to ask of somebody, and most people find that one party wants to try again, but the other sees better options in trying anew with someone else. Also, dumpers, especially the ones that are away in a new and exciting environment, rarely go through this type of introspection. They're too busy with their new life, jobs, friends and getting involved with their next SO while the dumpee is squirreled away back in the old life, frantically figuring out ways to save the relationship. Doesn't look good to me.
Strength in Healing Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Here's the sad reality. She found someone else. She vine swung. THAT'S who she really is. I'm trying to take this time to re-evaluate what I want in the relationship as well. I thought about all the things I did wrong, all of the things I could have changed, and about what I really wanted in life. I realized that because she had become such a big part of my life, my ability to function as an individual had become increasingly difficult. I stopped hanging out with some friends, stopped doing things I used to enjoy, and that I had made my happiness her responsibility. I realized that I was too needy at times and overly emotional in order to make her feel guilty for my unhappiness. I would create idealized scenarios in my mind and expect her to fulfill them. I would blame her for perceived grievances and held grudges about them. These are hard truths to swallow but now that I'm realizing all of the things that I did wrong, I know what I need to change about myself in order to become not only a better boyfriend but a better person as well. As for this... you need to understand, we ALL do that once we reach a certain degree of comfort in a relationship. These aren't some great sins or mistakes that MUST be changed to reach the golden you. We all do them, and you're going to do them again, just like I am. No relationship is perfect. Perfect love is a fantasy of narcissism. See this for what she is. 1
Author callernumber9 Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 I know I shouldn't have but broke NC. I wrote her a message over facebook yesterday morning apologizing for the things I listed in the OP. I promised her that I would change and have actually taken steps towards really changing. She replied about an hour later saying shee doesn't believe me. I've given her no reason to. She told me she still loved and cared about me and that I would always have a special place in her heart, but that she needs a break and wants to put this relationship on pause so she can breath again. She then said that she isn't currently seeking another man but that if something were to happen, that I have to accept it and let her go. She also said that I can reach out to her if I wanted to but that if she didn't respond, it meant she's not ready to talk yet. She ended her message saying that she would always love me and said "good bye". I've been thinking a lot about what things were like when we first started dating, trying to find what changed or when things took this turn and I think I've finally found my answer. I became emotionally abusive. I guess I just didn't notice how insecure I had become while we were together and it only really came out once we became long distance. I was terrified of being alone and made her feel guilty in order to enhance my own sense of security in the relationship. I used emotions and affections in order to manipulate her and I'm disgusted and ashamed at myself and all I want to do is tell her all of the things that I've realized about myself and ask her forgiveness and for another chance but I don't know if I'll ever get to. I sent her a message asking if I could call her so I can explain all of these things. I promised to keep the conversation civil and even said that she didn't need to say anything. I know I should just move on, but I can't help but wonder whether this will blow over or it's actually really over. I don't want to end things with her because I still love her. I just want the chance to prove that I can change.
johnson_j Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 If you want the chance to prove you changed, then stop talking to her. Make the changes to your life, she doesn't need to know. I'm sure she will find out, after her "break" is over and she reaches back out to you, you can prove you have changed at that time. And worst case, if she doesn't reach back out, you will have changed for the best for your next relationship. I know this is not what you want to hear, but calling her trying to explain yourself will just push her further away.
Author callernumber9 Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 I sent one last message. I told her I wouldn't try to make contact with her anymore and to contact me whenever she feels ready. I then deactivated my facebook, saved all of our pictures together to a disc and gave it to a friend to hold before deleting every trace of her from my phone. I also went through my apartment and gathered all of the things she left behind and put them in a box in the back of my closet. I'm still holding onto the hope that when she does reach out to me, we still have a chance of getting back together. I went out today for the first time since everything went south. Hung out with old friends, tried a new restaurant in town, and took a long walk through the park near my apartment to clear my head. I still felt down randomly throughout the day but I think that after some time, I'll be okay. Thank you LS community for being there in my time of need. If and when she does decide to reach out to me, I'll update this thread.
Author callernumber9 Posted August 24, 2014 Author Posted August 24, 2014 It's over now but I can't help but feel like I made a mistake. I broke NC and asked her to be honest with me and she told me she had no intention of ever getting back together and that the break was permanent. She then blocked me on all social media. Now I can't help but feel like had I not broken NC, things may have worked out. If I could have just kept my mouth shut, then she wouldn't have blocked me and I could have shown her that I could change. I know it's probably for the best that things are finally over but I still feel so bad about the whole thing.
loversquarrel Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 It was over last week. All breaking NC did was give you closure, now its time to move on.
loversquarrel Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I will add that you received closure sooner than most. Be grateful for that and go easy on yourself. You know and recognize the changes you need to make, so get to it and do it for you.
Elle1975 Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 It's over now but I can't help but feel like I made a mistake. I broke NC and asked her to be honest with me and she told me she had no intention of ever getting back together and that the break was permanent. She then blocked me on all social media. Now I can't help but feel like had I not broken NC, things may have worked out. If I could have just kept my mouth shut, then she wouldn't have blocked me and I could have shown her that I could change. I know it's probably for the best that things are finally over but I still feel so bad about the whole thing. It was over long before she called your break up a "break". No worries there. As for changing, it is not an overnight process. If she saw you as weak, it would take months for her to undo that in her heart. I would also take what she said with a grain of salt. You might not be the one for her, but surely you are perfect for somebody else.
marcjb Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 I'm willing to bet that she met someone at her new job and is projecting the blame onto you, hence why you keep feeling the need to apologize. So far it's working for her. Stop this and try and see past all of the narcisitic games she is playing.
infamousma Posted August 25, 2014 Posted August 25, 2014 You have done a lot better than I. I eventually gave in to my emotions and became that needy pushy annoying whiny bish and pushed my ex away. But im in the same boat as you as all my attention is now given to a "friend of a friend" who is closer. You may still have a chance later on if you want it. But only time can tell. I guess just go on with your life as I am try too. be strong and I feel your pain...
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