Canceling dates due to her period

[eotdevice]

I have been dating a woman for about 14 months we get along well and enjoy each other's company. We are both in our 40s. We live separately and go on dates and hang out a few times per week.

 

Back in March I had tickets to a comedy show (Cosby). She ended up having her period arrive a day or two before and we ended up having a miserable time. She was uncomfortable and just dragged the whole date down. She wouldn't even let me kiss her, hug her, or hold her hand during the date. While the cos was great I got really discouraged by her actions. We talked about it and I somewhat understood but not being a woman I don't totally get it.

 

Now today we were scheduled to go to an amusement park with my three kids. This is a big deal for my kids as it is the one big fun trip per year we take together as my kids live with their mom. Well my girlfriend had her period arrive last night and cancelled on us. My youngest has been talking up her coming for weeks as he wants to get to know her better and my other kids wanted her to go for the fun too.

 

I am extremely disappointed, discouraged, and flat out mad at her right now. My kids are going to be disappointed when I tell them. While I understand getting a period can be tough, after having a period for say 30 years is it really something that should affect her life so much to prevent her from going? One additional item I have asked her to go to the ob/gyn for months now to get a check up and see if there is something she can talk to the MD about to help regulate it but she continues to delay. She hasn't been to that md in over 10 years!

 

Frustrated.

Edited August 15, 2014 by eotdevice
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[MidwestUSA]

If she's in pain, and not just canceling because it's a nuisance, she needs to get checked out. Pain and heavy periods at this point in life are highly indicative of fibroids (not the only source of misery, but a common one).

 

Keep encouraging her to get checked out. I'm not sure why SHE puts up with it, when it is most likely something that can be helped. Good luck.

[Els]

Some women have bad periods, some less so. I agree that she should be going for regular GYN appointments in case this is indicative of a larger problem, but even then there is no actual 'cure' for dysmenorrhea or menorrhagia in many cases. The closest you get are BC pills, which come with side effects (some women, like me, consider them worth it, others feel otherwise). Painkillers help but don't solve the entire problem.

 

I do think you should make this more about her instead of about how disappointed YOU are by her 'dragging your date down' though. Think about how you would feel if you had to cancel a date because you came down with a cold, and all she could talk about was how disappointed she was in you.

 

As for the kids, IMO they do not need to be coddled to this degree - things don't work out sometimes and plans change, and they have to learn that it is a normal part of life. Better now than later. If she is doing this to them on a regular basis then some better planning is in order, but once in 14 months is okay. You can still go with them to the park and have fun with them, and she can meet them another time.

[MidwestUSA]

I will add that the majority of hysterectomies I've been in on for this problem were on women in their forties (including me!). Pesty old uterus.

[Els]

I will add that the majority of hysterectomies I've been in on for this problem were on women in their forties (including me!). Pesty old uterus.

 

Ahh, I had forgotten about that. I suppose that really does solve the problem. But surgery is a big scary deal for some folks (and I don't blame them!).

[lollipopspot]

If her periods are regular - are they? - then she should have a pretty good idea when they're coming and be able to plan accordingly. Are the periods bad only sometimes, or every month? Get more info about what's going on and how to work with it.

[Million.to.1]

I can understand your frustration, but thread lightly.

 

I think you have a right to be upset with her for cancelling, especially with your kids in the mix as well. But who knows what she could be experiencing with her periods.

 

I would suggest explaining to her calmly that it was a big disappointment for both you and the kids that she couldn't make it and that you are really worried about her. Say that it's important to you that she go to the doctor and make sure this isn't something serious or alternatively, easily treatable.

 

If it's not pain related, and just mood, then... well, I don't really have an answer for you. That would be pretty selfish of her.

[martaldn]

I can understand it is frustrating and hard to understand and accept -for a man - but I can totally relate to her situation.

when I have my period I balloon like a fat whale and I have to spend the first 2 days in comfy clothes ( which are normally very unsexy ). the discomfort is not only coming from the pain ( tummy back legs) is also the bloated feeling and the mood swing .. i have all of them within a time frame of 2/3 days and yes I would totally cancel any date/big event if i could

[Lani]

Periods can be awful, I know first hand.

But I find it hard to feel bad for her here if she's not even trying to get any help. I'd approach it gently with her as there may well be something underlying that she's sensitive about and hasn't told you. Tell her you're concerned and that it affects you to know she feels like this so often. Really encourage her to seek help. Or at least take some evening primrose

[lollipopspot]

If it's not pain related, and just mood, then... well, I don't really have an answer for you. That would be pretty selfish of her.

 

I don't necessarily agree on that one. A few people's moods become very difficult due to the hormone fluctuation and they're probably right to pull themselves out of company. Moods might be more difficult for some people to manage than pain.

[guest569]

They can be extremely painful, regardless of how many years you put up with them. Its a bit like having an exhausting flu and aching all over. There can also be nausea, vomiting, fevers, faint and dizzy feelings.. Yeah definitely they can be bad enough to cancel plans. They can be unpredictable too, you cant predict when exactly they will make an appearance but its usually when you dont want them.

 

Some women take medication to help matters but maybe she doesn't want to or feel the need to and really, it's her business and her decision. You have made your suggestion.

 

Mood can be affected too and affect willingness to be intimate or even socialise at all.

 

Some suggest that she is being selfish but i think OP is being selfish here.

Edited August 15, 2014 by smiley1

[PegNosePete]

Think about how you would feel if you had to cancel a date because you came down with a cold, and all she could talk about was how disappointed she was in you.

If I had such a painful cold that it stopped me going out, caused me to cancel dates and I refused to get it checked out by a doctor, then I think she would have a right to be disappointed in me.

[Million.to.1]

I don't necessarily agree on that one. A few people's moods become very difficult due to the hormone fluctuation and they're probably right to pull themselves out of company. Moods might be more difficult for some people to manage than pain.

 

I also get periods, and moodiness. I still would suck it up for a few hours for two kids who were really looking forward to something.

[Zeurich]

Periods can be different to each woman I never had to cancel anything because of periods. As I understood in march one date was canceled, and now to day as you mentioned, so twice during that 14 months was she been with you only twice during her period times? If you both are in 40s then it is possible her biological clock give some different reactions. Think bit human wise and let her know how you feel.

I have the feeling that you feel she used her periods to cancel the date am I right?

[eotdevice]

I do think sometimes she uses her period to cancel dates. There have been other dates she has cancelled too because of it. But I have dealt with it just as if she were sick and we do try and plan around it.

 

I guess I am coming across as being a bit selfish or an ogre and for that I am sorry. I don't like to be that way but really have never dated a woman that has to stop her life when her period comes along. That's why I came here to ask. And being a guy I have no clue what it is like. She even takes off work due to it some months. It is regular and she always feels sick, moody, bloated, unappealing, etc. I never see her as anything other than beautiful all the time and tell her so.

 

I am worried about her health she hadn't been for a physical or dental appt in over 10 years either but I was able to convince her to go to those. She just keeps stalling on the ob/gyn. And I also don't want to nag her about going.

 

Thanks everyone for their input it is much appreciated.

[Omei]

My periods have never caused me issues but my friend on the other hand gets horrible cramps of pain, she doesn't like being touched with hugs etc and her mood gos out the window.

[MissBee]

I think you're being a bit insensitive.

 

I personally don't have bad periods. My periods are pretty uneventful esp since I take birth control but some people, like my sister who has cysts, hers are terribly painful and debilitating and all she has to do is manage them as best as she can but there isn't some magic cure. She is often nauseous, throws up, has headaches, pack pain and it's awful. I can't fathom asking her to go out or do anything if she's feeling that way. Maybe once or twice a year I'd get a bad period....not like my sister but where I feel fatigued, my uterus is cramping and TMI, but since you don't know, let me tell you, lots of women also end up have diarrhea during their period and I just feel so uncomfortable all I wanna do is lie down and not be out walking around or doing anything. So if you can't fathom a period imagine once a month you getting bad diarrhea coupled with headaches and nausea and if it came up on you unexpectedly and you have a date planned...what would you want your date's response to be?

 

Why do you think she'd use her periods to cancel dates? How is your relationship otherwise?

 

I don't think she is trying to ruin your dates on purpose, so cut her some slack please. What I would suggest is that maybe you can find a SENSITIVE way to bring up her predicting her period, there are apps for it, it's not always 100% accurate, but perhaps if she can guesstimate around when her period will be she can choose to not plan dates around that time frame. Some women have periods that come the same date every month like clockwork...lucky them. Others don't. Mine comes around every 35 days or do but it fluctuates and I can't always predict when it will come exactly but period tracking apps have allowed me to sort of gauge it. Also, you may have bigger issues, as I'd be concerned about someone who hasn't been to the gyno or the dentist in a decade....

Edited August 15, 2014 by MissBee

[Eivuwan]

I don't have bad periods anymore, but when they were bad, they were BAD. I would be puking, diarrhea, feeling like I'm going to die. It's no joke. The one thing that she isn't doing right though is not seeing a gynecologist about this issue. What does she have against doctors?

[slizl]

How dare she cancel dates on you during BJ week!

[longjohn]

I used to date a girl with really bad periods like this. On her time of the month, she spent more time laying in bed with a heating pad than she did doing anything else. Turns out she had endometriosis, which causes horrible periods. I think you're being a little selfish here.

That's interesting, I once had a gf who had the same condition. She was out of order for a couple of days at least. Made me glad I was born a man.

[Elle1975]

Depends on the woman. I have no problem with it. I might be tired, but I can work through it usually. I have had to be at work, stuffed with all kind of pain pills too. I have had girlfriends who had to stay in bed, because it was that bad.

 

I would say, how is your relationship with this woman? Are you guys doing good?

[Elle1975]

I guess I am coming across as being a bit selfish or an ogre and for that I am sorry.

 

Nah.. if you feel she has canceled in the past for bogus reasons, that's probably why you feel that way now. Some women use it as an excuse, sure. Some really are debilitated by it. You know her, so you know when to be doubtful or not.

[Mascara]

How dare she cancel dates on you during BJ week!

 

Bwhahaha!

 

OP, you say you what her to go the doctor, but do you know what the solution is for most gyn problems? 1 - deal with it. 2 - take these birth control pills until you're in menopause. 3 - whip out the uterus.

 

After 40 I can tell you - your periods can be all over the place. TMI warning ahead. After 30 years of normality, you can face not only cramps that would feel like you've been kicked continuously in the balls for 3 days (just picture that for a moment and decide if you'd feel up to a trip out), but you can have the type of flooding that means you need to address that trickling down your leg 20 minutes after you just went to the bathroom.

[aprilisi]

I've done this. Men say they understand, but you have no idea how bad it can be.

 

Five years ago I bled for three months straight. No breaks. The heavyness would alternate. I would sometimes go through an overnight pad in an hour. Docs couldn't find anything wrong.. Then it just stopped and went back to normal, no idea why. She could be going through this.

 

But normal? I have endometriosis. She could have this. Before I start it feels like a knife is stabbing me in my vagina. I have missed quite a bit of work because I cannot move. I'm strong but the pain can make me cry sometimes.

 

Or ovarian cysts, this can also cause horrible pain. Heavy bleeding. They can erupt and cause horrendous pain. I had one errupt, had no idea what it was at the time. Thought I was dying.

 

Just give her a break.

[guest569]

Ouch.. And yeah going to an amusement park would be a nightmare when you feel this way. Its like the least appealing thing to do.