My situation is hopeless...I'd rather be dead than in this. What do I do?

[bect]

Okay I'm going to try and make this as brief as possible.

 

I have been in a 2 year relationship with a guy, it was great at first, but deteriorated. It especially became bad after the third time he left me, but this was for another woman earlier this year.

 

Whilst he was gone, I met a truly wonderful man. He was everything I could have hoped for, and it was such an eye opener in terms of the awful relationship I had been in which in retrospect was controlling, emotionally abusive and totally unfulfilling for me.

 

I spent a month or so talking with this wonderful guy, at which point my ex turns back up on my doorstep saying he had no where else to stay and needed a place to stay until he found somewhere. Well I'm a total idiot and a glutton for punishment, but above all easilly manipulated - so I said he could come back into the spare room for a short while until he sorted things out but we wouldn't be back together.

 

Now this other guy I'd been seeing - well things had been moving along quite well, we got on like a house on fire, shared many common interests and had a very special connection. He knew my ex had moved back but it was a temporary measure and he was tolerant because he knew I have a giving nature and couldn't bare to leave someone on the doorstep.

 

Last week I met with the new guy, he wants to be in a relationship with me. I said absolutely but I needed to get rid of my ex from my house so I was being fair to him. My ex had an exam this week on Wednesday and I said I would have him gone by this day after his exam (I feel its really wrong of myself to chuck someone out a few days before their exam), so when I came home on Wednesday I was ready for the you need to leave discussion. Except, he said to me he has an exam on saturday, so I felt compelled to let him stay so he could do his exam properly then leave.

 

Well needless to say this new guy blew up at me when I said I told him he could stay until saturday. He was like, I've done enough waiting for you, you obviously care about him more than you care for me, just forget about me, don't email me, don't call me just get out of my life. He said I care deeply for you, and I won't easily forget you but you've made your choice. It was so final. It shattered me, because I was trying to do the right thing by my ex - giving him the respect I feel he deserves, and also being honest with this new guy.

 

Now I feel totally lost, at the end of the day if I kicked my ex out before his exam I would have felt guilty if he had done poorly, but now I feel like I've lost a chance with this wonderful guy and I've hurt him so much. I've txt him and said that my ex will be gone on Saturday and I hope he will be there when he is. No reply from him.

 

I'm so lost, I feel like the only one really hurt in all of this is me...I try to do the right thing by everyone, but now I've totally lost out on the good guy. What do I do, do I call him on saturday to tell him he's gone, can i apologise profusely for upsetting him? I want to be with him more than anything else, I just feel I had to do the right thing and get rid of my ex for good before committing to something else.

 

Please help me, I'm so sad and alone and I don't know what to do. I will never forgive myself if this guy walks out of my life, I'll always be wondering what could have been.

[Lani]

I think perhaps your title may be a little extreme, don't you?

 

What you do is ask your ex to leave. Then you call the new guy and tell him you're ready to be in a relationship with him, and that you're sorry.

Either he accepts that or he doesn't, there isn't much you can do either way, just hope for the best.

 

Either way I think you should take a lesson from this:

People who do wrong by you do not deserve to be put before the ones who do you right.

[Ms_Kitka]

You are being taken advantage of by the ex. He has already made you feel bad when he had the chance. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING, but he sounds like the type to play on the fact you are nice. Which is your lesson to learn. You need healthy boundaries and you clearly have a toxic situation with him. So why would you let him ruin your future? If I was with a new man who showed me respect (which your ex clearly lacks), I would go there in a heartbeat.

 

Your best bet is kicking out the ex, NO MATTER WHAT EXCUSES HE GIVES YOU. And he will, so be ready. If you feel guilt over it, you need to work out codependency issues on your own. Im telling you from experience, this ex is playing your compassionate nature. Dont let the good guy get away. So long as you are honest with him, he should come around. But take the ex back in the middle and betray the new guys trust, I couldnt blame him for leaving. Wish you the best, but its time to think of yourself and your needs. Its not about your ex, its about YOU. Stop letting him run your life. Self-preservation vs. selfishness is healthy. I think you already know, you just need to hear it out loud.

[2.50 a gallon]

I regret to say, but I think your nice guy is probably gone for good. The trust that you two had slowly been building, has been shattered. He will never look at you as he did at the beginning of the relationship. Think about it, he knows your former abused and used you, and you still let him back into not only you life but your home. The Bad Boy Wins Again. As they say, live and learn.

[TAV]

I think you need to start taking yourself serious. You put your own needs and feelings last. Do you love yourself so little?

 

What do you get out of pleasing everyone else apart from yourself? Do you think your ex will turn around and be grateful? Tell you (genuinly) that you are such a great person? I can tell you that he won't? He does not respect you, he does not care if you are happy or unhappy as long as he gets what he wants. If this was a business deal you are paying your weight in gold for a bag of ****.

 

And it is funny to me that your conscience has such trouble hurting your ex; putting him on the street before his exams (or whatever other excuse he has) but you feel little remorse hurting the man who loves you. Is that because he is not as vocal as your ex? Because he does not manipulate you but lets you make up your own mind and own your own decisions? Is the thanks he gets for his respect for you this kind of treatment? Why is your conscience not troubling you over you that?

 

As long as you let people like your ex eat away at you, sucking up all your energy, ruining every good thing you have got going for you, you will never be happy. Try to find that voice inside you that tells you what YOU want, what YOU need. I'm sure people like your ex have tried to kill that voice but it is still inside there somewhere. Try to find it and LISTEN.

 

Do not chase your bf unless you are 100% sure you are ready to give him the place in your life that he is owed. He deserves that. And so do you.