chstr Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 greetings! this is my 1st post on love shack and i hope you would take time to read i hope i had discovered this back then. it would be a HUGE help for people who can relate. i was in a relationship of almost 5 years. we broke up the 1st time after almost 3 years, and she had a rebound relationship 2-3 months after our 1st breakup. i chased her for months. when i was starting to get over her, she showed up at my house and eventually got back together. after a year of getting back together, i got tired of her. maybe i've outgrowned her? i tried being 'clingy' during the times that i don't wanna see her. this backfired and eventually gotten worse. we don't make time for each other anymore. it feels forced. she didn't notice it on my part, but i noticed her hot and cold vibe all the time. we just finished our internship for school. i broke it off with her and she cried, i felt indifferent. she agreed with the breakup, saying she needs thrill and excitement in her life. says she can't reciprocate my efforts anymore. she said she takes me for granted on purpose. suddenly, i felt the urge to take it back and we agreed to take time off for a month just to make sure if we still want the relationship or not. she says she wants to experience what i experienced when we broke up the 1st time. she also mentioned i was too clingy. a day after, i insisted we work it out and she responded forced but agreed anyway. the day after that, i said we should talk and she got irritated. we agreed to take a month off. on the 3rd day, i contacted her again and she said she needed space and wants to breakup and insists that i find another girl who could fill my needs. she said she isn't inlove with me anymore and just got used to having a boyfriend. she wants to be selfish right now and does not want to be obligated to anyone since that was what she felt when talking or meeting up with me, an obligation. i tried to negotiate and she seemed undecided. i texted her that i still loved her and we just needed time off. she didn't respond. we've been together since her senior high school days and through college with a 10-month gap between a breakup. i grew up. it seems she didn't. thinking about the situation, i'm still confused whether i want to be with her or not. it was my intention of chasing her for 3 days to see her reaction before going on NC. since my last text of 'we just need time so i'll give us space we need' and her not replying, i'm really confused. any thoughts or comments would be much appreciated
FortunateSon Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I can relate to your situation, I have been in one very similar. Sounds like the relationship ran its course and died a slow, prolonged death. You have already had one significant break up, I would not put any more effort into this woman. be mindful of starting/continuing a codependent cycle. It's time for you to start healing and moving forward. As many others will say, go no contact and start doing things for yourself to move forward.
josephrm Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Agreed. Seems like the only reason you two were together was because that's what you both was used to. It's hard to make change when it's something you had for 5 years. On the other hand since I do believe you both just want to move on, you will get over this quickly. I can tell by the way you talk that there was once a relationship but it died out a while ago. I guarantee if you stick to NC within a month or two you will already be excited to date new girls.
Chi townD Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) on the 3rd day, i contacted her again and she said she needed space and wants to breakup and insists that i find another girl who could fill my needs. Red flag right there. This is arguable, but girls are really possessive of what they have, they just don't outwardly show it until it's threaten, "Ummm...excuse me bitch, but that's MY man! Step off!" Her telling you to find another girl to fill your needs translates to me that she's already found someone to fill hers. So, she doesn't care what you do or whom your with. Time to walk away dude. Edited August 15, 2014 by Chi townD 1
Author chstr Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) thank you for the helpful insights! what confuses me is that she said she delays time to be with me since im too clingy and i noticed she has the "grass is greener" syndrome. she can't come up with a clear reason to breakup. i have been on NC for a week now. some of her closest friends are gone and unavailable. before we broke up she still calls me during her time with her new co-workers and still texts me late at night. i feel bad since i fell out too. i know it's low but i checked her phone once and there's nothing there. she isn't hiding her phone. during our first breakup, i was ultra clingy and possessive. is it possible that she didn't get over the old me? i changed a lot and i felt that she misses my old self. Edited August 16, 2014 by chstr
Author chstr Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 I can relate to your situation, I have been in one very similar. Sounds like the relationship ran its course and died a slow, prolonged death. You have already had one significant break up, I would not put any more effort into this woman. be mindful of starting/continuing a codependent cycle. It's time for you to start healing and moving forward. As many others will say, go no contact and start doing things for yourself to move forward. did you ever find out if she is going out with somebody else in the process of falling out?
Author chstr Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 Red flag right there. This is arguable, but girls are really possessive of what they have, they just don't outwardly show it until it's threaten, "Ummm...excuse me bitch, but that's MY man! Step off!" Her telling you to find another girl to fill your needs translates to me that she's already found someone to fill hers. So, she doesn't care what you do or whom your with. Time to walk away dude. is it possible too that she may be threatened with my co-workers since i talk about them a lot? especially my boss who flirts with me and she knows?
FortunateSon Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 did you ever find out if she is going out with somebody else in the process of falling out? I never found anything that lead me to believe she was with anyone else while we were together. Like you, we broke up twice, the first breakup was after 3.5 years and I pathetically tried to get her back immediately. This was before I had any knowledge of loveshack or NC. It was clear after the first BU that she was emotionally detaching for at least a couple months before hand. She got into a rebound 3 months after we broke up which she said lasted 2 months and we ended up getting back together 8 months later. I dated a lot while we were broken up. The second break up, was fairly abrupt but not a surprise. We were together for 1.5 the second time and engaged for the last 6 months of that. She was always angry and we were fighting about a lot of things. We were limited contact post BU until she got everything out of my house. She made a point of letting me know that she got into a serious relationship 4 months after we broke up, which I thought was quick. I went NC and blocked her on FB. In May she stalked and contacted someone I was casually seeing trying to sabotage the relationship and "warn" the girl about me. I have no idea what she is up to now, as far as I know she is still with the same guy she settled for, she was desperately looking for someone to marry and have kids with. She showed very strong signs of borderline personality disorder. 1
Author chstr Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 I never found anything that lead me to believe she was with anyone else while we were together. Like you, we broke up twice, the first breakup was after 3.5 years and I pathetically tried to get her back immediately. This was before I had any knowledge of loveshack or NC. It was clear after the first BU that she was emotionally detaching for at least a couple months before hand. She got into a rebound 3 months after we broke up which she said lasted 2 months and we ended up getting back together 8 months later. I dated a lot while we were broken up. The second break up, was fairly abrupt but not a surprise. We were together for 1.5 the second time and engaged for the last 6 months of that. She was always angry and we were fighting about a lot of things. We were limited contact post BU until she got everything out of my house. She made a point of letting me know that she got into a serious relationship 4 months after we broke up, which I thought was quick. I went NC and blocked her on FB. In May she stalked and contacted someone I was casually seeing trying to sabotage the relationship and "warn" the girl about me. I have no idea what she is up to now, as far as I know she is still with the same guy she settled for, she was desperately looking for someone to marry and have kids with. She showed very strong signs of borderline personality disorder. good to know i'm not alone bro. she knows she has very strong signs of bpd although she isn't diagnosed. i experienced and still is experiencing the exact same thing together with the limited contact before the breakup. it's only been a week now since i did the NC and the BU itself. how long have you been on NC if i may ask?
FortunateSon Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 I have been NC since last December, blocked her on FB in January after I noticed she unblocked me. The girl I was seeing that my ex contacted in May sent me screen shots of all of the crazy FB messages my ex sent, so unfortunately I had to see the pic of my ex and the guy she settled for. 1
Downtown Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 She knows she has very strong signs of bpd although she isn't diagnosed.Chester, like FortunateSon, I lived with a BPDer (my exW) for many years. If you are interested, I list the typical red flags for BPD at 18 BPD Warning Signs. And I describe them in much greater detail in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to join FortunateSon in discussing them with you. Take care, Chester. 1
Author chstr Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Chester, like FortunateSon, I lived with a BPDer (my exW) for many years. If you are interested, I list the typical red flags for BPD at 18 BPD Warning Signs. And I describe them in much greater detail in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to join FortunateSon in discussing them with you. Take care, Chester. thanks a lot for this sir! how did you deal with it back then? my ex, who i am unsure of if we broke up or not since it was vague, shows most of the signs and she does a good job in denying it to herself, especially with others.
Author chstr Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 I have been NC since last December, blocked her on FB in January after I noticed she unblocked me. The girl I was seeing that my ex contacted in May sent me screen shots of all of the crazy FB messages my ex sent, so unfortunately I had to see the pic of my ex and the guy she settled for. that was close to my experience for the 1st breakup. she went out with my friends together with the girl i had a thing for mutually. she mentioned "you have a thing for my ex right? he's all yours now. we just broke up."
Downtown Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 how did you deal with it back then?Chester, I initially dealt with it by taking her to weekly sessions -- every week for 15 years -- with 6 different psychologists and 3 MCs. Didn't make a dent. On the contrary, as the years went by, her behavior worsened because she increasingly resented my inability to make her happy -- an impossible goal. I therefore strengthened my personal boundaries to protect myself -- an action that exacerbated her abandonment fears, making her feel that I was intending to leave her (which was not the case). She therefore preemptively abandoned me so I could not do it to her. By "abandoned me" I mean she called the police, during one of her tantrums, and had me arrested on a bogus charge. When I got out of jail three days later, I learned that I was unable to return to my own home (for 18 months) because she had obtained a R/O barring me from being near my home. Incidentally, NONE of the six psychologists would tell me what her true diagnosis was. When a client is a high functioning BPDer, therapists generally are loath to tell the client -- much less her spouse -- the name of the disorder. I explain why at Loath to Diagnose BPD. Whenever BPD is involved, expecting your W's therapist to be candid with you is as foolish as expecting her attorney to give you candid advice during the divorce. It therefore is important to consult with a psychologist who has never seen her and thus is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.
Author chstr Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Chester, I initially dealt with it by taking her to weekly sessions -- every week for 15 years -- with 6 different psychologists and 3 MCs. Didn't make a dent. On the contrary, as the years went by, her behavior worsened because she increasingly resented my inability to make her happy -- an impossible goal. I therefore strengthened my personal boundaries to protect myself -- an action that exacerbated her abandonment fears, making her feel that I was intending to leave her (which was not the case). She therefore preemptively abandoned me so I could not do it to her. By "abandoned me" I mean she called the police, during one of her tantrums, and had me arrested on a bogus charge. When I got out of jail three days later, I learned that I was unable to return to my own home (for 18 months) because she had obtained a R/O barring me from being near my home. Incidentally, NONE of the six psychologists would tell me what her true diagnosis was. When a client is a high functioning BPDer, therapists generally are loath to tell the client -- much less her spouse -- the name of the disorder. I explain why at Loath to Diagnose BPD. Whenever BPD is involved, expecting your W's therapist to be candid with you is as foolish as expecting her attorney to give you candid advice during the divorce. It therefore is important to consult with a psychologist who has never seen her and thus is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers. that is a very very unfortunate. it may be a blessing that i got that insight from you sir if my ex truly has bpd, than she did me a HUGE favor. thank you so much for sharing your experience sir 1
Downtown Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 If my ex truly has bpd, than she did me a HUGE favor. Chester, please keep in mind that BPD is not something one "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is a group of basic human behaviors that we ALL have to some degree. This is why it is so easy for us to spot strong occurrences of these behaviors when they regularly appear in someone we are living with. Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur. Granted, you will not be able to determine whether your W "has BPD," i.e., exhibits behavior satisfying 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only a professional can do that. Yet, even when a person's BPD traits fall well short of that diagnostic threshold, they can be strong enough to undermine a marriage and make your life miserable. Hence, from the point of view of the abused spouse, the main issue is not whether his partner "has BPD" but, rather, whether she exhibits traits that are so strong and persistent they are undermining the relationship. 1
Author chstr Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 just a follow-up question, my ex suddenly ran into my friends at school and asked him to text me. she mentioned if we would wanna hang out together for a drink cause i'm so miserable. i find it lame. she also said that may be she something's wrong with her. i have known of this through my friend. i have been on this road before and i'd say it's tiring. don't wanna press the issue but i'd like to gather some perspective.
Chi townD Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 She wants to know if you want to get together for a drink because she knows you're so miserable? Why the hell would you want to do that? SO, you can sit across from the girl you fell in love with and her non verbally tell you "Look what you can't have anymore!" No thanks, dude.
Author chstr Posted August 20, 2014 Author Posted August 20, 2014 She wants to know if you want to get together for a drink because she knows you're so miserable? Why the hell would you want to do that? SO, you can sit across from the girl you fell in love with and her non verbally tell you "Look what you can't have anymore!" No thanks, dude. i just don't get it. maybe she's going crazy. didn't call, text, email or even asked around about her.
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