frazzled12 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 He has been very stressed out for several weeks now due to illness, job loss and financial problems. I am trying to be strong and be there for him but he seems to disappear when thing go tough. We have been together for 4 years and we are both in our 30's. He often does this and it causes me a great deal of pain. If we have conflict he also retreats and does not want to speak to me and goes silent as long as he wants. He has been very critical of me calling me fat when I am thin and saying I am cold when I am the most affectionate to him. His words are very mean towards me when he is in these withdrawing moods. He seems to have gone down on a spiral. I confronted him again tonight and he did not want to hear it but said "we need a break". I said that if he wants a break then to me is the same as he wanting me to move on without him. He said a break is for him to breathe but we haven't seen each other in 4 weeks and the communication has been off and on. I feel very frustrated about this and feel like just quitting all together. Don't know what to think of this.
SycamoreCircle Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Well, it definitely sounds like he needs space. It also sounds like you probably shouldn't "confront" him anymore. I'm sorry that he has said abusive things to you. No person should tolerate that sort of treatment. Honestly, it sounds like both of you have a very loose handle on the relationship and could do with time apart. Only time will tell what that separateness means. Hope this helps. :-)
Elias33 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 It sounds like it is time to move on. Easier said then done, but imagine all the suffering you will still have to face, every time he goes through a similar situation. You're supposed to come together and support each other, not walk the other way. There is something terribly wrong about this. 1
hellischrome Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I've been there. He wanted a break, he had his break, came back to me after a month. After a year, he now broke up with me. Unfortunately if he's that kind of guy you shouldn't put up with it, if it makes you feel sad. I've put up with so many things, I don't regret it but we both waited too long. Take this time for yourself and to start over, not with somebody else but just with you. If he will come, good, but don't wait for him.
josephrm Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I'm going to be very blunt and straight forward with my response. I did this to one of my ex's. The reason I did this was because I didn't want to be with her anymore but felt like I had to. I tried to push her to break up with me so I was forced to move on. I felt like I had to stay together because we had to rely on each to pay our rent. We couldn't just leave either because we both had no one to go to for help. Also we both couldnt afford another place alone. We lived in the city. Having her break up with me (as messed up as it sounds) gave me someone to blame when I ended up homeless, so it wasn't my own stupid actions. It was the same for her. Luckily we figured it out because it was a very risky situation. I was young and stupid what can I say.
hellischrome Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Josephrm, still good that you can admit it, there are people over 30 that cannot see their mistakes - or say Yes I made that mistake BUT. But please OP, never EVER allow anyone to tell you anything about how you look or make that kind of comment. That's the worst thing, it's disrespectful, he has some resentment and it can't be your problem. It's HIS problem.
mightycpa Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Most people look to the people they love for support when things are going badly for them. They look to you for inspiration and motivation, and they appreciate your support. If he is acting the way he is, it means something that's not so good. Maybe he resents your relative success vs. his perceived failure. Maybe he's sick of hearing your words of support, because they don't inspire him, or give him comfort. Maybe, deep down, he's feeling like a failure, and he doesn't feel enough intimacy to share that with you and to expose his vulnerability. Maybe he just has horrible interpersonal skills, and his skulking away is what he'll do his whole life. Maybe it is all of that, so he lashes out at you. Whatever the story is, I can't imagine you'd have chosen at the beginning to be with somebody who often acts like this when the going gets rough. Do you think that will ever change? And what about if things get really good for him? Do you think he'll suddenly turn all magnanimous and generous and kind because things are going well? I don't see it. He's at a low point in his life, and so ironically, now is the perfect time to let him go. He's in a mood to change things anyway, you might as well add one more thing to his list. Plus, apparently, he'd rather suffer through his problems alone, and you should take him at his word. It might even help him, but it seems pretty apparent it will help you.
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