Have I lost it?

[memomma]

I'm not sure where to start.

I am unhappily married. I have been considering divorce for years now and retained the services of an attorney on Friday. My husband refuses to participate in counseling and I feel as though I have no other option.

Several months ago, on a whim, I contacted on old boyfriend of mine. I had not spoken to this person in over 6 years but he knew my voice immediately. That made an impression on me of sorts.

I called him out of curiosity just to see how his life was going and to catch up on things. He lives 1000 miles away and there was not an intention to meet with him to have an affair. I really think I was just lonely and bored and wanted to talk to someone I used to know.

Anyway, he was going through a very difficult time. He was a long distance truck driver and in the late summer had an accident that resulted in a fatality. He was waiting to go back to court for sentencing and looking at a possible jail term. He is an older man and not married and has always held a special place in my heart so I felt obligated (in a way) to be his friend and to encourage him during this time.

I explained my situation to him here at home. He is aware that I am married and thinking of divorce but proceeding with that slowly because I have three children of my own that I am solely responsible for. I have to be sure I can provide for them before I make all these changes.

We continued to talk daily for about 5-6 weeks until he was sentenced to 1-3 years. I am now writing him.

Here's where it gets even weirder.

20 years ago I gave birth to a child who is very possibly his. He has now requested a paternity test. I have always denied that he was the father because in reality I was not sure and at that time he was not the best choice to be my child's father. This was a LONG time ago and we both lived very different lifestyles. As we began to discuss this possibility, I started to see a definite physical resemblance in their facial structure....big time. It got so bad that when I was talking with my daughter, she said "Mom, what's wrong?" "You're freaking me out......is it about my father, do you know who he is?"

I told her what was going on and that he said he would like to have the test done in order for her to know. This has been a very painful situation in our life and not something I am proud of at all. I hate the fact that I do not know for sure who her father is and that I have given her that heartache.

I told her we do not have to do this test because there is still no guarantee that we will know after the test is done but she wants to proceed.

So the bottom line is this......I am spending alot of my time and energy thinking of an old flame who may be my child's father. This man is now in jail.

I cannot help but wonder if I've gone off the deep end. I know this man has faults but I also know that when I talk to him, I feel like he hears me. I feel like he really knows me and that he supports me and encourages me to be strong. We have a history together and understand one another and accept each other. There has not been talk of reconciliation or love just that we care for one another and always have.

[moimeme]

You are feeling lonely because your own marriage isn't going well and so you're open to somebody else being nice to you. Truly wretched men can still be very nice sometimes but that doesn't mean you should fall for them. You know nothing about this guy except that he's older and never married (possibly a red flag there, for starters).

You need some sort of relationship in your life and so your heart and mind are willing to construct a relationship around a likely candidate - and a fellow who talks nicely to you on the phone seems to be one.

 

It's just fantasy. Don't let your longing turn him into something he's not. You may need to cut back on your contact with him until you are stronger and not needing to get emotional support from a male person. You haven't lost it - you're doing something very common but it doesn't have a very good outlook.

 

Perhaps when he's released you can see each other and maybe he'll turn out to be a great guy, but that's not a determination you can make without spending more time with him.

[memomma]

Thank you for validating my situation and feelings.

It's funny that a few words from a complete stranger can change your outlook on things, huh?

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post.

I feel like you were on target with your assessment and it was encouraging to know that considering the entire picture...it's not so crazy that I would attempt to find a safe substitute for what I am lacking in here at home.

So thanks!