BC1980 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I've read about the "grass is greener syndrome" I really think that is what he is going through. Its not even about this other girl anymore. We have been together for 3 years now and he may very well have cold feet. I admit I have been kind of bugging him lately about wanting to get married, etc. and I know his best friend has been talking about it w/ his g/f. I know he isn't ready. He has told me that every single person on his mom and dad's side of the family has gotten divorced and he doesn't want that to happen to him. Isn't this something that can happen especially in a long term relationship? I feel like that is why he is re-evaluating everything... because he wants to make sure that this is what he wants forever. I'm sorry you are going thorough this. I feel for you because I've experienced some similar things with my ex. The truth is that he doesn't feel you are the one for him, and it likely has nothing to do with being scared to get married. After 3 years, he should know, without a doubt, if he sees a future with you. It sounds like he's coasting right now, and I'm sure he feels in his heart that he doesn't want to continue the relationship. You wanting to get married is simply what sparked him into wanting to breakup most likely. Though, to be fair, he never would have married you. I'm sure of that, and he will likely leave you at some point. Think of it this way, and it will become crystal clear. I don't know how involved he was with the other girl, but I would say he engaged in an emotional affair with her to some extent. Possibly, there was something physical, maybe not sex, but I'd be willing to bet something happened. Your boyfriend broke your trust, and, any guy that did so and had intentions of a future with you, would be on his knees begging for forgiveness and doing any and everything to make this right and prove he is trustworthy. The fact that he is doing none of that speaks volumes. He is actually doing something like the opposite, and he is reevaluating the relationship. I felt so bad for you when I read that you made his favorite dinner after work one day. He should be doing that for you, but you are playing his doormat and attempting to convince him to stay.
BC1980 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I feel like that is why he is re-evaluating everything... because he wants to make sure that this is what he wants forever. It's more likely that he knows he wants to leave but is having a hard time pulling the trigger. I hate that for you, but it's the truth. Honestly, how much do you need to reevaluate? Is he making a PROs and CONs list? What is going on? If you love someone and want a future, it's not rocket science. After 3 years, you know if you want to make a commitment to marriage or whatever other long term commitment you want to make. But he knows in his heart, and his final decision is probably not going to be what you want. He might not leave you today or tomorrow, or even this month, but he will leave you eventually if you continue to voice your wish to marry. You wanting to move the relationship to the next level is probably what sparked all of this but, quite frankly, if he had wanted to marry you to begin with, he would have made that known. The fact is that he didn't.
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) For the record he did not do anything with this girl. Also I do not bother him anymore about the marriage thing. Also he tells me that he does want to get married and have kids, house, etc. He admits that is just slow. But it is definitely something that he wants. We have always talked about getting married, having kids, etc in the future and I know that is something he really truly does want. I really wonder if he is depressed, even he has mentioned that. Edited August 15, 2014 by sweetblubrry
BC1980 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 For the record he did not do anything with this girl. Also I do not bother him anymore about the marriage thing. Also he tells me that he does want to get married and have kids, house, etc. He admits that is just slow. But it is definitely something that he wants. We have always talked about getting married, having kids, etc in the future and I know that is something he really truly does want. I really wonder if he is depressed, even he has mentioned that. But what do his actions show you? It's easy to talk about wanting to get married and have kids. Most couples do talk about that at some point, but he's not doing anything to act on it. I can't tell you how many threads I have seen with a situation like this. Heck, I was in your situation with the exemption of a third party in the picture (as far as I know at least). At some point, you have to start looking at a person's actions. There are loads of people, myself included, who banked on someone's words. I heard it all from my ex, but, at the end of the day, he wasn't willing to take the necessary action to back up his claims. And no, I didn't bother him with marriage. In fact, he suggested it. I don't think you are bothering your boyfriend, but he's not stupid. He knows you want to get married. After three years, he knows. You would marry him today if he asked, but he's not jumping at the prospect is he? You've been together three years already. Time to cut this one loose and don't waste there more years. Your story is a tried and true example, and I'm really very sorry that you have believed this person. I know how easy it is to want to believe someone's words.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 For the record he did not do anything with this girl. Also I do not bother him anymore about the marriage thing. Also he tells me that he does want to get married and have kids, house, etc. He admits that is just slow. But it is definitely something that he wants. We have always talked about getting married, having kids, etc in the future and I know that is something he really truly does want. I really wonder if he is depressed, even he has mentioned that. Being depressed doesn't cause a person to be dishonest. Don't forget he deceived you. Did he cheat physically? Maybe not. But I'd take what he says/claims with a grain of salt because you already know he wasn't honest with you. I'm not sure why you're so quick to believe him now. The reality is that his feelings aren't the same as yours anymore. You can try to rationalize, justify and explain his actions and behaviour in any manner you want, but the bottom line is the same: he was looking for other girls while he was with you. I'd be asking him to find somewhere else to stay while I sorted out my own feelings. I sure as hell wouldn't be cooking him his favourite dinners and cuddling up to him. He should be doing that for you. Not the other way around. I've been in a very similar situation as you, OP. If you want, you can PM me and I can give you a little more insight. I know how badly this is hurting you because I've lived through it too.
KatZee Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) I've read about the "grass is greener syndrome" I really think that is what he is going through. Its not even about this other girl anymore. We have been together for 3 years now and he may very well have cold feet. I admit I have been kind of bugging him lately about wanting to get married, etc. and I know his best friend has been talking about it w/ his g/f. I know he isn't ready. He has told me that every single person on his mom and dad's side of the family has gotten divorced and he doesn't want that to happen to him. Isn't this something that can happen especially in a long term relationship? I feel like that is why he is re-evaluating everything... because he wants to make sure that this is what he wants forever. It has nothing to do with GIGS, or "cold feet." These are just two scenarios you're grasping to---trying to rationalize the fact that he just doesn't want to be with you anymore. My ex pulled this exact same thing. We were together 3 years, he was saying he wasn't sure he wanted to settle down (in marriage) any time soon. (However for the record he HAD talked about engagement, living together, getting married. He would make comments like, "if and when" or "eventually.") He wasn't sure if he was ready, he wasn't sure about us. He flip flopped between loving me, and wanting to leave the relationship. What I found out towards the end of our relationship was this: a) he cheated on me twice. Once physically, the second time emotionally. It was when he was "confused" about being with me that he cheated. He admitted feeling "vulnerable." Whatever the hell that means. He was just a coward. b) his fear of settling down was not legitimate. We spent 3 years together where he waffled all over the place with getting engaged, and progressing. He met another girl shortly after we ended, they got together, and he proposed a mere 10 months later. He wasn't scared. He didn't have cold feet. It was because I WAS NOT THE GIRL HE WANTED TO BE WITH. He wasn't terrified of marriage. He was terrified of marriage WITH ME. And instead of having the balls to be honest with me, he said the EXACT same things this guy is saying to you. "I'm scared." "I'm confused." "I don't know what I want." "I need help." You are fighting a losing battle remaining with him. Believe me. Edited August 16, 2014 by KatZee 2
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) He wasn't scared. He didn't have cold feet. It was because I WAS NOT THE GIRL HE WANTED TO BE WITH. He wasn't terrified of marriage. He was terrified of marriage WITH ME. This can't be emphasized enough. Many common relationship anxieties are a sign that the relationship itself doesn't work. When Mr. Total Commitmentphobe falls in love and proposes within a year, it's not because he went through some astonishing personal transformation; he just finally found the right person. "I'm not interested in dating" means "I'm not interested in dating you". "I don't know if I want to settle down" means "I don't know I want to settle down with you." In your case, "I don't know if you can help me" means "I don't want you to help me". You can shoulder as much blame as you want but it won't make him love you any more. More importantly, you don't NEED to accept blame. You've done nothing wrong and you know it. You have two options: you can let him go now, or you can fight desperately to keep him and cling to what you had long after the relationship withers and dies. I did the latter once and the prolonged, self-inflicted trauma was far more devastating than the actual break-up. Let him go, hold your head high, and keep your heart open for the man who's going to want you every bit as much as you want him. Edited August 16, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ formattin' 3
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 20, 2014 Author Posted August 20, 2014 I just wanted to update this thread and give others a little hope. Despite everyone telling me that I'm crazy and that I'm doing all of the wrong things.... I stuck it out for a bit and my BF has made a turn around! He stopped talking to this girl completely, cut her out of his life. He has made the conscious decision to work on us and is putting forth great effort. It is like we have a renewed appreciation for each other, and now our sex life is fantastic. Every day gets better as we work through this. We realize this situation was a wake-up call to what was missing in our relationship. We both made mistakes and now we are working together. We are still going on vacation this weekend and I hope that continues to improve things. Sometimes with a little patience, things will pay off! My boyfriend was bored with our relationship (completely normal due to the stress we've been under) and that was freaking him out. We are striving to change things up and being more open and honest with each other. So far things are going really well!
BC1980 Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 I just wanted to update this thread and give others a little hope. Despite everyone telling me that I'm crazy and that I'm doing all of the wrong things.... I stuck it out for a bit and my BF has made a turn around! He stopped talking to this girl completely, cut her out of his life. He has made the conscious decision to work on us and is putting forth great effort. It is like we have a renewed appreciation for each other, and now our sex life is fantastic. Every day gets better as we work through this. We realize this situation was a wake-up call to what was missing in our relationship. We both made mistakes and now we are working together. We are still going on vacation this weekend and I hope that continues to improve things. Sometimes with a little patience, things will pay off! My boyfriend was bored with our relationship (completely normal due to the stress we've been under) and that was freaking him out. We are striving to change things up and being more open and honest with each other. So far things are going really well! Well, I certainly hope this change lasts for the long term. I still think it's pretty telling that he won't marry you though. I just know from experience that people can fool you. People can change in the short term, but, if they really don't want to make that commitment, it will fall apart again. I would certainly proceed with caution, but I hope the best for you. Has he admitted wrong doing and said he will do anything needed to renew the trust? Because the trust is down the drain at this point. He treated you terribly, and you can't give him a free pass for that. We don't think you are crazy, but you are in love with someone who probably isn't quite as invested as you are. 1
mightycpa Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was the king of Ephyra who was punished for his chronic deceitfulness by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever. I'd be concerned about the fact that my SO has to put in great effort to be with me. At some point, she's sure to get tired.
stillafool Posted August 20, 2014 Posted August 20, 2014 I hope you don't mind jumping through hoops to keep your bf from getting bored again. It's stressful to be in a relationship where the moment you are busy with other things you have to worry about your partner seeking others to fulfill his boredom. 1
KatZee Posted August 23, 2014 Posted August 23, 2014 I just wanted to update this thread and give others a little hope. Despite everyone telling me that I'm crazy and that I'm doing all of the wrong things.... I stuck it out for a bit and my BF has made a turn around! He stopped talking to this girl completely, cut her out of his life. He has made the conscious decision to work on us and is putting forth great effort. It is like we have a renewed appreciation for each other, and now our sex life is fantastic. Every day gets better as we work through this. We realize this situation was a wake-up call to what was missing in our relationship. We both made mistakes and now we are working together. We are still going on vacation this weekend and I hope that continues to improve things. Sometimes with a little patience, things will pay off! My boyfriend was bored with our relationship (completely normal due to the stress we've been under) and that was freaking him out. We are striving to change things up and being more open and honest with each other. So far things are going really well! Same story. My ex did the same thing. Cut the girl out. Stopped talking to her. Deleted her number. Vowed to try. Our sex life was great (it's called hysterical bonding, look it up). It wasn't long before it disintegrated again though. It went like this approximately three times before he cheated again and then dumped me for good. Enjoy it for what it is, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was another fallout.
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 28, 2014 Author Posted August 28, 2014 Another update.... We went on our vacation this weekend and it was wonderful. It really helped us reconnect. We avoided talking about everything and just enjoyed each other. I did have another talk with him earlier this week just to see where things are at. He is committed to us and completely understands now everything and is in the right frame of mind. He has told me he should have stopped talking to this girl long ago, and he understand why he can't ever talk to her again. He is upset with himself that he allowed this to happen and that he betrayed my trust. With time I believe all this can heal. He has been very loving, more attentive, and closer than we've been in a long time. I truly believe this was a wakeup call to what was missing in our relationship. He is always concerned about my well being and is doing all these little things that he wasn't doing for a long time. He is being more loving, cuddly, and planning things for us to do which he hasn't done in a long time. That goes for me too because I was so wrapped up in my studies that I just wasnt paying him any attention. It is almost like we are back to when we first met. This situation has woken us up and made us appreciate each other more. It is like we've gotten to comfortable and taken each other for granted. He has been very open and honest and I feel closer to him than I have in a long, long time. Really hope it continues this way!
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