sweetblubrry Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I am so shattered right now. My boyfriend of 3 years who has never acted like this or done ANYTHING has suddenly changed this week. I am in the middle of nursing school and our life the past couple of months has not been easy. I have been very busy studying and not able to work, and then our dog got sick. She was diagnosed with cancer and it was later found that she didn't have it through a surgery (which cost us about $7,000) He knew that I was sacrificing my life to my studies so that we could have a better life. He has never communicated to me at all that anything was wrong. Randomly three months ago this girl started texting him that he knew from years ago through his best friend. Well she came into town this week along w/ a lot of their old HS friends. All the sudden he is out late till like 2am and he is very vague on what he was doing/hanging out with. I found out yesterday that he had hung out with this girl alone. Even though I told him three days prior that I didn't feel comfortable with her hanging out with him alone. He stayed home the next night and the night that she invited him over to her parent's house. His best friend's GF has filled me in on her hatred for this girl and how she is nasty and does not get a good vibe from her and she does not respect the boundaries of a relationship. So I find out my BF was planning to go to dinner w/ her alone and wasn't going to tell me. I found out ahead of time and he stayed home with me. The next day (yesterday) I pressed him about all that is going on and he told me that he is so confused about our relationship now. B/c of this girl who he thinks he has feelings for which he has been telling me this whole time that she is just a friend. I am so devastated right now, I left our apartment crying and his best friends GF picked me up and drove me to my parent's house. I have spent the last 3 years building my life with this guy, who has never done ANYTHING and now this is happening. We've had a lot of changes in the past year like moving to our own place and he started a new job which he does not enjoy b/c no one talks to him. He is a very social person and I know it has been an adjustment. He bawled his eyes out the other night about not having any friends or anyone to talk to (but apparently this girl has been filling in) I am so devastated and I don't know what to do. Now my friend is having problems w/ my bf's best guy friend b/c of this same girl. She checked his phone and is super upset about how much this girl has been texting him. She doesn't even live in our state and she moved back yesterday!! I cannot believe that my boyfriend is doing this. Throwing away our life for some stupid confused feelings. I am so heartbroken right now. I know he is going through something b/c this is SO out of character for him. I left the apartment b/c I caught him texting her again and it was about "all this" so apparently she knows! Please someone give me some insight. I am home at my parent's now and if I don't hear from him this weekend I am planning on moving all of my stuff out this week. He will be left with NOTHING b/c every single thing in the apartment is mine. I can't believe that my BF of over 3 years would do this and he has been the most trustworthy guy I've ever had. I am so devastated I can't even think right now.
d0nnivain Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 He's actually not as confused as he's telling you. It's just hard to tell someone (you) that he wants something other than what he has. I'm sorry it shook out this way but he's indicating that he doesn't want to move forward with you. He just doesn't know how to be straight about it because he doesn't want to be the source of your pain. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) Oh, girl...I'm so sorry. I participated in your other thread (at least, I think it was you) and I got a bad feeling then but wanted to believe your boyfriend just needed some boundaries. Seems it was a lot more than that. Please read D0nnivan's post. Very correct, I believe. Generally, when someone is suddenly confused, it indicates that there were already problems in the relationship, even if only one party felt it. The fact is that this girl is bad news, yes, but she wouldn't have been able to create such chaos if there weren't already a seed of doubt in your boyfriend. This is evidenced by the fact that he wanted to have dinner alone with her and not tell you (how did you find out, by the way?) I think you need to take a few days away from him to just gather yourself. Unfortunately, things like this happen a lot. People grow apart and change and want different things, regardless of how much time and effort has been invested in a relationship. I do feel your pain, I have been there. As far as him texting her again about the problems..that's bad, OP. Really bad. He's obviously been filling her in and disrespecting your relationship more than you realized. I think he's got one foot out the door, love. He just doesn't really know how to tell you that because it's going to hurt. Edited August 9, 2014 by ExpatInItaly
No Limit Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Break up. He's already fishing for other girls, this won't change. Find a guy who is also interested in building a life with you, not just someone who isn't capable of being single.
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 So my boyfriend are still through difficulties after 3 years. Long story short, I was unavailable for the past couple of months because I was so involved with my studies and wasn’t here for him. I would spend nights studying while he watched tv. He didn’t like that I wasn’t there for him and yet never communicated to me about it. He felt like he is losing the connection. But then this girl started texting him that his best friend has known for a long time. She was sort of his life like and he confided in her when I wasn’t available. She just came down to visit this week and he spent all week hanging out w/ groups of friends and she was there. I later found out he went to the beach w/ her alone on the last day and he was planning on going to dinner but didn’t tell me. The next day he told me he developed feelings for her and just wanted to do something crazy. He feels bored and that there isn’t any excitement in our lives. I have explained to him multiple times b/c of the studying and that I was going to change that. We talked for a long time and we both admitted we made mistakes. But now he doesn’t want to let go of this girl as a friend now b/c she was there for him. And I keep telling him he needs to cut contact. He is going through some crisis right now and he cannot get his head straight. We live together and it is very frustrating. I’ll get him on my side and everything will be fine, but once he goes to talk to this girl to tell her off she manipulates him and he gets all confused again. I picked up his phone last night while he was out and called her myself. I was very calm and told her that she needs to respect the boundaries of our relationship and that she has no business getting involved. I could tell she was a bitchy type of girl b/c she gave me attitude and I could just hear it in her voice. I know that she is taking advantage of my boyfriend b/c he is vulnerable. We ended up texting her together and he said that “it hurts me to say but we shouldn’t talk for awhile” She said Ok. It angers me that he won’t just tell her off. He is a very social person and since we’ve moved here he has no friends and this one girl happened to be available. She doesn’t even live in this state! So a relationship is not even an option. I can't just tell that she is a bitch and that this is the last type of person my bf would end up with. Its sickening that he doesn't see this b/c he has latched onto her words. I don’t know what to do. It is so frustrating. This girl is such a bitch. She is also causing problems between my friend and her boyfriend as well. She is manipulating him and causing him to be confused about his feelings. He still wants to be with me (he told me he loves me yesterday), then he says he thinks he wants to be on his own (which I told him it is b/c he just doesn't want to deal w/ this stress b/c he doesn't handle stress well) and this other girl is causing him doubts now (b/c our relationship has been stale) and he misses that excitement. I don't know what to do. It is so back and forth with him and I feel like he is losing his mind. He has NEVER done this before or acted out of character. He is normally a very mature guy and has his head on straight always. We have had a lot of stress the past 6 months... We moved, our dog got sick (cancer), I've been in nursing school studying my life away, he started a new job which he doesn't particularly enjoy. I was depressed which may have contributed to the unavailability. I feel like all this stuff has just compounded everything.
Philosoraptor Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 She's not taking advantage of him. He's willingly putting himself into these situations. He has either already cheated or is planning to cheat. The "be on his own" crap is so he can sleep with her guilt free. You can make excuses for him, but a committed partner is committed through stress and staleness. 2
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 She's not taking advantage of him. He's willingly putting himself into these situations. He has either already cheated or is planning to cheat. The "be on his own" crap is so he can sleep with her guilt free. You can make excuses for him, but a committed partner is committed through stress and staleness. Like I said she doesn't even live in our state and went back home so I know this isn't it.
Philosoraptor Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Like I said she doesn't even live in our state and went back home so I know this isn't it. Yes, but read around here how many affairs happen between states. Seems like he wants to sleep with her and if he wants to make it happen, he will suggest a "break" and take a trip. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) You're directing the blame and hostility at the wrong person. She wouldn't have been able to do any of this without your boyfriend's willing participation. He deceived you about spending time alone with her. He's bored in your relationship. He developed feelings for someone else. He is unwilling to let her go. She isn't causing him to be confused. He already was or some random girl from the past would never have been able to attract him. None of the above would have been possible if you boyfriend were fully invested and committed to you. He isn't. That is the reason the relationship is coming to an end. Edited August 11, 2014 by ExpatInItaly 3
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 Update: My boyfriend and I are still together and trying to work on things. After what we went through this weekend (see above) it has been very difficult. On Sunday we had a pretty bad night. I felt like every time we talked he got on my side and was willing to work on things and he would call her to tell her they couldn't talk anymore and she manipulated him back into being confused. Finally he left to take a walk and I actually picked up his phone and called her. She sounded like a bitch on the phone and I was very cordial and said you need to respect the boundaries of our relationship, and also our friend's (she's causing problems between them too) and she just was like I don't need to take this and hung up. He wasn't that upset that I called. When he came back he sent a text to her saying as much as it hurts I don't think we should talk for awhile. He's convinced that she will never text him again. I left him on the couch and went to bed b/c he was so upset about losing contact w/ her (which he says he didn't want to lose a friend b/c he has none right now) After about an hour he came back into the room and got into bed with me. We ended up cuddling and watching tv like everything was okay. He said "i'll live" when I asked if he was okay. The next day he went to work for 8 hours and he came home to his favorite dinner that I had made for him. He really had made a turn around. He was happier and hugged and kissed me as soon as he was in the door. Later we went for a really nice walk and just got a lot of things about OUR relationship off our chest. Like me being on my phone too much, him feeling neglected, etc. He said that girl did not text him which I was happy with. He told me to be patient with him and that he knows he did the wrong. We had a great walk and ended up cuddling and making love later that night. Then Tuesday... he comes home and he's just kind of blah. We ended up going to the mall and still talked and had good conversation (not about the situation) but he just seemed so blah. I don't know if he's going into his man cave or what. He wasn't really cuddly but when I asked him if everything was okay he did say yes. We both ended up going to sleep pretty early. I'm not sure what else to do at this point other than be supportive. We booked a vacation for next weekend and it is a romantic bed and breakfast. I hope that it will help revitalize our relationship. He is just sort of blah about it, I know he wants to do it but I know all of what's happened got him down. I feel sorta the same way so hopefully in a few days we will be more excited. I think it is really something that will help us. Anyone have any advice for me at this point? I am just trying to be supportive and patient with him and not ask a million questions.
letsplaygofish2 Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 You're in a sticky situation and I don't have much advice to give you than to just be yourself. If you have questions, ask them directly and straight to the point. This weekend is about re-connecting, so focus on things that make you two happy. A friend of mine gave me advice today - she said men like to be around women because it makes them feel good about themselves. It's like being on a vacation with you, it just flows and is nice! So, focus on you two. Yes, have conversations but don't keep hounding him on it. You'll come across as a nagger I'm glad to hear that he recognized his weakness, but I think it's also good for you to acknowledge his feelings (and vice versa). Enjoy the time, don't bicker or pick a fight. Just try to remember why you fell in love with each other the first time around. You'll do great! You sound strong.
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Thank you for your kind words... it means a lot to me! Tonight we had a good night talking about things and just being really open and honest with each other. He told me this girl stirred things up and he has been confused b/c she is the type of personality that he just falls head over heels for and always has in the past. Of course it is very dangerous b/c that outgoing type of personality has led him to have a lot of bad experiences in the past. These type of girls party and are flirty with everyone and he gets nervous and can't deal with it or they end up cheating on him. With me, he is safe because I am not that type. I am not the most social all the time but I can be. So that is what he is struggling with now is. What is the best choice? Is it being on his own or staying with me? I don't know why he is saying this now after 3 years because my personality hasn't changed. I hope that by not being around or talking to this girl anymore that he will come to his senses. And he feels like a terrible person because I shouldn't have to wait around for it. But he thanks me for my patience. We had a wonderful night walking around the lake after we talked about things, and just had some fun like we used to. I really hope that he sorts through his issues soon. I don't understand why he would throw everything away for some temptation. I also don't understand why he would bring this up now. He said the week she was in town (along w/ their friends) was the most fun he has had in a long time. I mean we haven't exactly done anything fun because of my schooling. But I'm not understanding why he is contemplating changing his feelings about me. We have built our lives together for 3 years now. He tells me he still loves me. I hope this is just something he is going through and nothing more. 1
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 (edited) So I've been going through some drama with my boyfriend of 3 years who I live with. He has not done a single thing up until this point. But because I was emotionally unavailable b/c of school being so demanding the past 6 months I think we grew apart a little. he started texting this girl who knew his best friend (from out of state) Long story short last week she came to visit w/ other old friends and they ended up hanging out a lot. My bf said that he felt there was a connection and she reciprocated. Then she left to go back HOME. After days of problems between us he finally texted her and said they couldn't talk right now. And they haven't talked in 3 days since this happened. My bf and I had a heart to heart last night and he brought up a lot of things. He said in the past he has always dated very outgoing girls. Those type of girls who are just flirtatious and everyone knows and loves. He has gotten into trouble with this personality type and has gotten very hurt. They end up partying, cheating on him, like the attention from other guys so much that they stray away, etc. I am the safe girl... I am not overly social like that and I tend to be a bit more reserved but I do feel I have balance. I am the marriage type. (He's 28 and I'm 29 btw). I know he is not ready to settle but I have never pressured him that bad. B/c my bf hung out with this girl (who doesn't live here and went back HOME) and she had that personality, it has really stirred things up in him. He has been mulling all these thoughts and feelings over the past few days. He says that he is very attracted to that personality. Though I feel like any guy would say that... ? Obviously he has been hurt in the past by these types of girls. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. He has never brought any of this up until now 3 years in? It is so frustrating. He tells me he loves me and we still joke and do things together (trying not to talk about this situation) We also have had the most mind-blowing sex in the past week despite all this happening. So right now he is wondering if he should be on his own or if he really does want to be with me. It hurts a lot and he knows that it is not fair to me. I don't know what to do at this point but I know I don't want to lose him. I don't see why he would think he might need something else when we have had such a perfect relationship. Just because we went through a really stressful time? We have both made mistakes. I am wondering since it has been 3 years is this a normal stage of contemplating being with someone the rest of your life? I love him and I don't want to lose him so I'm trying to be patient while he sorts out his feelings. But I also don't want to lose my sanity. I keep telling him that this is an opportunity to grow in our love and to revitalize our relationship. We have endured such hardship recently... is this a funk that he is going through and eventually he will snap out of it? We planned a vacation next weekend and are staying at a nice bed and breakfast place. Also a night on the beach. I hope that will help recharge our relationship. However he is not the most excited about the trip (i mean with the things that have been going on). Edited August 14, 2014 by sweetblubrry
stillafool Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I would say after 3 years together one does start thinking if the relationship can move forward to marriage. You sound like a wonderful lady but your bf seems to get turned on by outgoing girls. I guess he can't help what turns him on and is trying to be honest with you. Do you think the mind blowing sex this week is because you have feelings that you will lose him so that makes sex more intense for you? I think you should give it a little more time and see if his feelings change. 1
mightycpa Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Two things caught my eye: my boyfriend of 3 years who I live with and (He's 28 and I'm 29 btw). I know he is not ready to settle If you're still in school at that age, then I have to believe that you are in some kind of doctoral program, or at a minimum, you went back to school to get an MBA or something like that. Maybe you are a nurse, and then you went back to school to get an RN. Somehow, someway, you seem to be getting an advanced degree. I can't exactly tell about the BF, but I'm thinking he's not doing the same thing. He's probably just working. Given your status, I'm also thinking he has at least an undergraduate degree, maybe even a masters, and he just finished earlier than you did. A study was done recently, and there is a phenomenom among people that predicts when they will get married, and if they pass that "sweet spot" in time, then they generally won't get married. It is generally 3 - 8 years after they've completed their schooling. So, a guy with a BS will usually get married between the ages of 25 - 30. Once they get past 30, statistically, the likelihood that they will ever marry begins to plummet. If they reach 36, chances are less than 10% that they will ever get married. This is true of men or women. Women just tend to cluster to earlier years than men. Men cluster older than do women. Also, the level of education doesn't seem to matter. This holds true for HS graduates and doctoral candidates. It has something to do with how old they feel in the singles scene, and when they get uncomfortable. For example, a high school guy begins to get uncomfortable at around 23, because the guys he competes with, and the girls that he chases are now more educated. The older he gets, the more uncomfortable he feels. The same is true for college grads, masters and doctors. There is also a phenomenon known as the practice wife. A guy will basically act as if he's already married. He'll move in, they'll do everything together, and play house. But in the end, he gets interested in somebody else, and marries her, while the practice wife is abandoned. It usually happens at the end of the statistically likely period of marriage. I couldn't tell you how often this occurs, but it was pretty often. Your boyfriend is hitting all the main points made in this article, based on the limited facts presented. I don't mean to alarm you, I don't know either of you. But elements of your story resonated with facts and circumstances similar to that other thing I read, and you seem to fear that your BF is getting an itch. Maybe he is. If true, then I guess the good news is that you have 3 - 8 years to find a guy who completes school at the same time you do, or a little earlier, or later, given that you're the marrying kind. I wish you luck. Let us know what happens.
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 The "practice wife" (also known as "training wheels") phenomenon as described above is absolutely real. I've seen so many of my girlfriends spend 2-5 years in with a guy who, instead of buying a ring, breaks up with her and marries the very next one. That said, I don't think that's what's happening in OP's case. It sounds like her boyfriend is genuinely reconsidering the kind of person he is and what he wants in life. All she can do is give him time and let him decide. OP, can you move your vacation? If he's not looking forward to it then it's not going to be a wonderful loving experience where you rekindle the romance; it'll just be awkward and isolating. Do you have a girlfriend who can go with you instead? And no, it's not true that all guys want outgoing girls. Plenty of men want mature, marriage-minded women and don't care that they're reserved. If your boyfriend isn't that kind of man I'm sure you'll have no problem finding one who is.
KatZee Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Honestly, I feel like your boyfriend remains with you only because he doesn't want to fall into the trap of being with a woman who may hurt him again. I think you're on dangerous grounds remaining with him. He's not head over heels in love with you, you're safe. You're comfortable. You're a good girl for him on paper. Unfortunately, he's drawn to the "bad girl" types and if it wasn't this chick, it's going to be another chick. There are obviously things he is not happy about with you. He's not being fulfilled in ways he wants to be. That doesn't excuse him from lying, or cheating (if he did, we don't know). He needs to be honest and really think about whether he wants to remain with you. And not because you're a crutch, and not because he has no friends right now. Because he WANTS to be with you and he SEES a future with you. To be honest, I don't feel those things coming from his end. From his end, I see that he is bored, unfulfilled, unhappy and he's not quite sure what to do about it. The fact that he was so upset to lose this woman from his life after he basically betrayed your trust? HUGE red flag. And your behavior is even WORSE! Your behavior is that of a doormat, and honestly, guys lose all attraction and all respect for doormats. He was on the road to cheating, he was behind your back talking to her, he was lying to your face, he was being sneaky with this chick and what do you do? No consequences whatsoever. You roll over and take it. You cook his favorite meal, you cuddle with him, you have sex with him, you plan a romantic bed and breakfast to help the relationship. I'm kind of confused here. HE should be doing those things FOR YOU. Not the other way around. He lies to you and you kiss his a.ss? Come on. Not only are you behaving in a way that shows him how little you value yourself... he doesn't even seem to CARE that you're going so far out of your way, and bending over backwards to make him happy! He's acting "blah." I'm sorry, but if I was dating someone for 3 years and we lived together, and he pulled this garbage with me, he'd be gone. I'd toss him out to go chase whatever tail he was chasing behind my back. You're just prolonging the inevitable and it's most likely confusing him more and making him feel guilty. You don't want someone staying with you out of guilt, and you don't want to stay with someone who's confused whether they even want to be with you or not. You want someone who KNOWS they want to be with you and who wouldn't jump on some new and exciting woman 5 seconds after she blows back into town. 4
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 Honestly, I feel like your boyfriend remains with you only because he doesn't want to fall into the trap of being with a woman who may hurt him again. I think you're on dangerous grounds remaining with him. He's not head over heels in love with you, you're safe. You're comfortable. You're a good girl for him on paper. Unfortunately, he's drawn to the "bad girl" types and if it wasn't this chick, it's going to be another chick. There are obviously things he is not happy about with you. He's not being fulfilled in ways he wants to be. That doesn't excuse him from lying, or cheating (if he did, we don't know). He needs to be honest and really think about whether he wants to remain with you. And not because you're a crutch, and not because he has no friends right now. Because he WANTS to be with you and he SEES a future with you. To be honest, I don't feel those things coming from his end. From his end, I see that he is bored, unfulfilled, unhappy and he's not quite sure what to do about it. The fact that he was so upset to lose this woman from his life after he basically betrayed your trust? HUGE red flag. And your behavior is even WORSE! Your behavior is that of a doormat, and honestly, guys lose all attraction and all respect for doormats. He was on the road to cheating, he was behind your back talking to her, he was lying to your face, he was being sneaky with this chick and what do you do? No consequences whatsoever. You roll over and take it. You cook his favorite meal, you cuddle with him, you have sex with him, you plan a romantic bed and breakfast to help the relationship. I'm kind of confused here. HE should be doing those things FOR YOU. Not the other way around. He lies to you and you kiss his a.ss? Come on. Not only are you behaving in a way that shows him how little you value yourself... he doesn't even seem to CARE that you're going so far out of your way, and bending over backwards to make him happy! He's acting "blah." I'm sorry, but if I was dating someone for 3 years and we lived together, and he pulled this garbage with me, he'd be gone. I'd toss him out to go chase whatever tail he was chasing behind my back. You're just prolonging the inevitable and it's most likely confusing him more and making him feel guilty. You don't want someone staying with you out of guilt, and you don't want to stay with someone who's confused whether they even want to be with you or not. You want someone who KNOWS they want to be with you and who wouldn't jump on some new and exciting woman 5 seconds after she blows back into town. A lot of these problems I am sure were caused because it was ME that was unavailable. I neglected to be there for him emotionally and physically for many, many months. I am doing these things now for him because I am free from school and I have realized how much I didn't pay attention to him. I think he did what any natural man would have done. He has been very honest through this whole thing. He was deceitful yes, and he feels terrible about it. He was completely honest about everything when I questioned him. I am sure that is a big part of what he is mulling about is lying and hurting me and why he would do that. I am just trying to give him space but we are still having a good time hanging out. I am trying to forget about everything that is happening temporarily to let him sort through things and hoping to remember the good times that we had by doing things again. We just haven't done things b/c my life was consumed by school. I think we are both at fault here. I am just trying to make things work and by being patient with him.
KatZee Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) A lot of these problems I am sure were caused because it was ME that was unavailable. I neglected to be there for him emotionally and physically for many, many months. Guess what? It's called LIFE. You weren't neglecting him emotionally and physically for "many, many" months. Your first post states it was TWO MONTHS. TWO. You were focusing on school, which SHOULD be your priority. And HE should have been mature enough to say, "You know what, you need to focus on your work, I will support you while you do this." I think he did what any natural man would have done. No. He didn't do what any "natural man would have done." You are condoning his lying, possible cheating, and his complete disrespect of you. You were making school a priority for a very small amount of time, and instead of encouraging, supporting, and understanding the situation, he went out and did this. What he did shows and extreme LACK of character. These are the behaviors of someone who can't see beyond their own selves, he probably has insecurity issues and had to resort to this behavior just to feel desired... everything revolves around him. And this is not how life works. I get that you love this guy but you're doing nothing but making excuses for him and honestly your sacrificing yourself for a person who doesn't even know if he wants to be with you. You've dated for THREE YEARS. You think by know this guy would know and have his head on straight whether he wants to be with you. It wasn't because you were focusing on school for two months that he's suddenly so neglected. I'm sure these feelings he has run much deeper than 2 months. I stick to my original post. I don't see a guy who's all that interested in being with you. He's more upset at losing his little "friend" than actually making the relationship work. I also have to say that what is "out of the blue" for you, is not out of the blue for him. I'm sure feelings have been going on for quite some time that he's either wanted a break, or wanted out for good. I've been on both ends of this exact situation. I've been the dumper, and I've been the dumpee. The situations are always the same. The second a person doesn't know if they want to be with you is the second the relationship is over. Edited August 15, 2014 by KatZee 1
Els Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 A lot of these problems I am sure were caused because it was ME that was unavailable. I neglected to be there for him emotionally and physically for many, many months. I am doing these things now for him because I am free from school and I have realized how much I didn't pay attention to him. I think he did what any natural man would have done. No, not really. Not 'any natural man' would start having feelings for other women after two months of their long term partner being busy. Men and women are not all that different, you know. People remain committed to people whom they are committed to, even during a short period of lack of availability. And yes 2 months is very short, people have done LDRs where they were apart for longer than that. We're not exactly talking about 10 years of no intimacy here. I am just trying to give him space but we are still having a good time hanging out. I am trying to forget about everything that is happening temporarily to let him sort through things and hoping to remember the good times that we had by doing things again. We just haven't done things b/c my life was consumed by school. I think we are both at fault here. I am just trying to make things work and by being patient with him. It's fine that you're trying to make things work. But what is HE doing to make things work? Is he going NC with this girl? Is he trying to plan things with you? Is he doing anything at all to invest in your relationship? You can't make things work if only one of you wants it.
hellischrome Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't know if you are the one? It's acceptable after some time, but not after 3 years. Think about it, because he's not going to change for you, in fact both of you shouldn't. See what you can do but never ever settle down for something that doesn't make you happy, OK? I realized it now in the hard way. 1
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 had another talk with him tonight. He said he knows he needs to snap out of it. Ugh this is so frustrating. He told me that he needs help but don't know what I can do to help him. I just told him to let it go...I feel like it is the only way we will be able to move forward.
hellischrome Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I agree with the others - that's not what every man does. My ex ex boyfriend... our relationship lasted for 7 years of which - 5 I spent completely absorbed with my studies, we weren't even living together, I spent 1 year in a country, 5 months in another, I spent summer holidays traveling on my own across Europe and Asia, then moved to Australia... I had many crisis, I have been busy, I put myself first... and he never ever EVER had a doubt in 7 years. We eventually broke up but for other reasons. Honey, if he loves you he keeps you. It's true that sometimes "just" love is not enough, but you will have to face many difficulties in life, you will have very busy period and what? Will he behave the same everytime? I think that's not what you want and sadly you are not what he wants (he probably doesn't even know what he needs now). He needs help and he could see a therapist if he wants, but it's really time to let him go. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Reading through this thread is sad. Honestly. I see a guy who is no longer invested and wants something different, and will lie about it to get what he wants - another girl. And I see the devastated girlfriend doing backflips and making excuses and blaming herself because the truth is out of her hands and too painful to face. I speak from experience. It's very difficult, but these types of problems are often the beginning of the end.
Author sweetblubrry Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 I've read about the "grass is greener syndrome" I really think that is what he is going through. Its not even about this other girl anymore. We have been together for 3 years now and he may very well have cold feet. I admit I have been kind of bugging him lately about wanting to get married, etc. and I know his best friend has been talking about it w/ his g/f. I know he isn't ready. He has told me that every single person on his mom and dad's side of the family has gotten divorced and he doesn't want that to happen to him. Isn't this something that can happen especially in a long term relationship? I feel like that is why he is re-evaluating everything... because he wants to make sure that this is what he wants forever.
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