Reconciling after infidelity and a breakup

[Ameee]

I've posted threads on here in the past when I found out the man that I was engaged to, had been with for 8yrs and had I child with was having an emotional affair that turned somewhat physical (I am not sure if they slept together while we were still together). To make a long story short of our relationship before all this, it was rocky. We were FWB when we were fresh out of HS, and then after both had separate relationships. After those relationships ended we got back together. Started as a casual thing that then turned more committed. I got pregnant about a year and a half in and now our daughter is 6. This was a rocky relationship with ups and downs. Maybe more downs than ups. We did actually grow into adults together and didn't have the right relationship skills for a healthy relationship. Regardless we stuck together, we do obviously have an unconditional love for one another but that in love feeling has always come and gone for both of us. I'm gonna stop here with our past bc I could go on forever. If you would like to read more about all the events leading up to this please check my other check my other threads. So after I caught my fiancé on a date w a coworker and he didn't want to work things out with me it was obvious that he wanted to break up. So we broke up, but neither one of us could afford our mortgage on our own or to live separately so we stayed living together. He continued to see the other woman, and slept on the couch. I was heartbroken, and at that point I could no longer eat or sleep. I dropped 25 lbs and was really not doing well. I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but I needed a distraction and started seeing an old friend of mine. My ex and I both knew of each other's relations and we did our best to be good to one another. We alternated days that we were home w our daughter and he slept on the couch. Even still we could never go longer than a month w out sleeping w each other. Then Fourth of July we had a few drinks after we both got home from doing our separate things and ended up having very lovie dovie sex. It was clear to me that we were not over each other. I decided that I was going to end it with the friend I was seeing bc it was not fair to him, and I was not going to be ready to be with him until my ex and I were no longer living together. About a week later when the ex was bartending I told him that I was going to go up to work to speak w him. He didn't want me there bc the girl that he was seeing was going up there. I basically said tough, either I meet her or she doesn't come. I ended up staying the whole night through and went home together. While there she kept calling and texting him and when he wasn't answering she walked in saw me and walked out. I ended up getting a txt from her later on saying not so nice things. My response wasn't kind either. The next day the ex and I spent the day talking. He wasn't sure what he wanted. He knew he still had feelings for me and wasn't sure that he wanted to be with out me but he felt deeply for this OW. He felt they connected better and she was funnier than me and that they got along better. Meanwhile I had the same feelings towards the OM but I am just smart enough to know that new is easy and we weren't doing real life things together (house, finances, child, responsibility). It became clear throughout the day that he was leaning more towards me and then he decided he was going to break it off w her, similar to my reasoning. Of course she was heartbroken and he felt deeply about hurting her. Since then which it has now been about a month he has come home every night and is not AS secretive w his phone. I don't question him really and really don't bring up the past. Things have been going well considering the circumstances. We have sex almost every night and have dinner together. We haven't had a single argument. Still, I'm paranoid and I get this feeling from him that he's in and out. We both want to make this work. We do love each other, but he misses her I think. I also question his motives for choosing me. Sometimes I feel like it's only bc he will lose the house and miss our daughter. Even though I know the feeling that he had w th OW is temporary and would fade once they started doing real life things together, I can't help but think that he questions his decision. I need help learning to reconnect w him. Any advice from anyone who got passed infidelity and the whole range of hurt experienced would be very helpful. I do believe that if we can get through this we will be stronger than ever. I just need guidance on how to do that.

[hschutt]

If you want to forget the past, then you have to do just that. But if you are constantly questioning his motives then it probably won't last long. Once he gets to a more financially stable point in his life then he will bolt. Work on your self confidence. If you seem happy and confident then he will want to be with you. If you second guess yourself then he is going to do it too.