elikat44 Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 About 3 ½ years ago, I met my current boyfriend. We were in stopped traffic on a beautiful June summer day so our car windows were down. I was feeling great – the sun was shining, I was in great shape, my kids were happy and I just started a terrific new job. We began flirting and feeling a little daring I exchanged numbers with him. He was sweet enough, though clearly younger (10 years) than me and really not my type. He began calling right away and I responded to him sporadically. I really wasn’t too interested – he was a little rough around the edges. Finally, nearly four months later, I agreed to meet him on a whim for a drink and movie. He was surprisingly fun and attentive – in fact, our relationship started out fast and furious. We have been together nearly every day since… However, today I feel like I am not myself. I am depressed, overweight, my kids are disappointed in me and all of my relationships with family and friends have been strained or, worse, lost. I’m tense at work. I don’t enjoy my life as I once did – I don’t recognize myself, nor do I like the person I have become. The relationship with my boyfriend, which I have attempted many times to sever, has been marked by physical and verbal abuse, distrust, jealously, financial loss and real disappointment. My future, once secure and promising, seems a little bleak to me now. And for some reason, I just cannot get away. About two weeks into the relationship, my boyfriend exhibited that something was very wrong. We were sitting in my living room one night and I fell asleep on the sofa. He went into a rage, screaming at me in my living room because I wasn’t giving him enough attention. I retreated to my bedroom and laid on my bed with my back to him, thinking that not responding would diffuse the situation. He kept screaming, while sitting on my bed, and began poking me violently with his finger on my shoulder. I asked him to leave my home, but he refused. I had never experienced anything like this – I was shocked and frightened. I think I later even minimized the event because it was so surreal. Over the next year, the violence and verbal abuse got increasingly worse – and, to my own shame, I engaged as well. Our episodes would largely occur over a slight he perceived (not showing him enough affection, giving him enough attention) and/or his accusations (he interrogated me constantly). Initially, his abuse shocked and outraged me and I would attempt to end the relationship. Though, each time I forgave him it began to become more “normal.” In time, if I felt backed into a corner, I would go on the offensive. I figured if I was louder, more aggressive, that would deter his assaults. For example, if he called me a vulgar name (his favorites are the ”c” word, , etc), I would slap him BUT that would result in a more severe injury to me. It progressed until finally he ended up slamming my head into a wall and causing me to have 18 stitches. That was about two years ago - that was nearly the last time he was physical with me. However, in addition, he has been unfaithful. Despite professing his undying love for me two weeks into our relationship, I learned about a month later he was carrying on two relationships with other women who were giving him gifts (i.e. a car), money and paying his bills. I was devastated – I confronted the women and it seemed to end those relationships (which resulted in him losing his home and car). Just a year ago, I learned he had carried on a four month sexual relationship with a woman who was giving him money. However, he is constantly accusing me of being shady and I’ve had to go out of my way to prove that I am loyal and to constantly reassure him I am not cheating on him. Over the last year, his bad behavior seems to have dissipated, I believe, because he has become increasingly dependent on me. He has gotten and lost at least ten jobs over the past several years – despite my helping him to build a resume and encouraging him to think about his future. After losing his home (owned by his parents but he was supposed to pay on the mortgage) and car about two years ago, he moved in with me- it was supposed to be temporary but he is still at my house and I cannot seem to persuade him to leave. I don’t pay his bills (probably because he doesn't have any), but most of the time when we go out to lunch or dinner I do pick up the tab. I’ve also paid for vacations (most of them ruined because of his insecure behavior) and other outings. Finally, about four months ago, he finally got a job he likes and a car. It seems he is starting to get on his feet...though the next step is his finding his own place. The problem is that I have no idea when he will be able to afford to do so, and the thought of wasting any more time in a relationship that I don't see a real future really scares me. I'm 44 - and this certainly isn't where I thought my life would be at this stage of the game. Yes, it seems pathetic that I’ve stayed with him. He is just so very persistent, and every time I've attempted to end our relationship he would always call and/or text to apologize, promise "it" (whatever bad behavior) wouldn’t happen again, and tell me he loved me more than anything in the world. If I blocked his calls, he showed up at my home and or office in tears. Everytime I break down and give in. I also am ashamed that I have done and said things in this relationship I have never done in any other. Any thoughts anyone has for resources would be most helpful. Thanks for reading!
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 What you're trying to escape is an abusive relationship. It sounds like at least some of the time you've also been abusive in return, but all that matters here, where we're trying to support you and don't know and can't help your boyfriend, is how you perceive this relationship. And it sounds as though you're scared and nervous, and worried about what might happen if you finally break free. It doesn't sound like something that strangers on an internet forum can really help with, but I'd strongly encourage you to seek support in your area, from women's refuge charities or women's projects, before you start making plans to exit the relationship. I don't know the details of the violence between the two of you, but the most dangerous time in a woman's relationship is when she's trying to leave, you're far more likely to be seriously injured or worse. So I'd strongly advise you don't try to go this alone. Any local charities, women's shelters should be able to provide you with support, whether that's a project worker to help with housing, counselling, group support, or practical help. From the sounds of it, this is a typical abusive relationship where the woman ends up feeling so threatened she ends up physically lashing out, either to try and defend herself or try and scare the male partner off. I have a very dear friend whose past relationship was abusive, and she said that eventually after months/years of abuse she'd get to the point where she knew the violence was coming whether she wanted it or not so she would try and goad the guy when things looked as though they were coming that way, or lash out and hit him first to get the retribution over and done with. I hope you find a way out. Please, get yourself some support. If he isn't leaving, then you may have to. 2
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