Annoyed by Online Dating...or Maybe I'm Just Not Ready?

[Zapbasket]

So I finally decided to take the plunge.

 

I don't think I am ready to begin a new relationship; I'm not even sure I'm ready to go on a date though I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I decided to join Zoosk, with the attitude that I need at this point to actively make efforts to forget my ex (we've been broken up for nearly a year and I felt we had all kinds of unfinished business and so felt he'd be in touch, but he never once contacted me; he himself is on a dating site and has been for the past three months; and I think I have to force myself to give up), and invite new people into my life, even if for now it's online.

 

I have never tried online dating. I have always felt very skeptical of the whole thing; after all, how can you know you have true chemistry with a person until you meet face to face? But my hope is that this will really help with my healing, and who knows? I really have no expectations--mainly because I don't feel ready to actually start a relationship.

 

I'm chatting with about twenty guys so far. It's hard to keep track. I wish the Zoosk interface were like email so that each guy could have a "folder," or some such. So far, when I am chatting and ready to sign off, I don't just stop responding but rather tell them I am going to log off and I'll talk with them again. What is the best thing to do? Should I plan to log on just once a day and respond to messages, search for interesting new connections and investigate new requests? Should I try to stay active at intervals throughout the day? Does it look bad to be on it a lot, or is that desirable because you can get to know people better? How do you handle it?

 

Also, I've already blocked people who have sent me chat requests but in whom I am not interested and I know nothing they could ever say will make me interested. Like, dudes covered in tattoos who smoke heavily and can't produce a single grammatically correct sentence. I also blocked one man with whom I'd already chatted for a while as I felt he came on way too strong and seemed pushy and too full of himself.

 

My attitude is that until I really establish a connection, I have every right to just stop communicating and even block if I choose to. That's the name of the game, no? I just want to be 100% sure.

 

Also, what are people's experience with Zoosk? I've read some bad reviews and have held off on downloading the Messenger as I hear it takes over your whole system. Plus, I don't want to "flirt on the go." If I'm going to have conversations with people I've never met, I want to be in a place where I can concentrate on the conversation, not out and about flipping through my phone.

 

Thanks.

[AnneT1985]

So I finally decided to take the plunge.

 

I don't think I am ready to begin a new relationship; I'm not even sure I'm ready to go on a date though I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I decided to join Zoosk, with the attitude that I need at this point to actively make efforts to forget my ex (we've been broken up for nearly a year and I felt we had all kinds of unfinished business and so felt he'd be in touch, but he never once contacted me; he himself is on a dating site and has been for the past three months; and I think I have to force myself to give up), and invite new people into my life, even if for now it's online.

 

I have never tried online dating. I have always felt very skeptical of the whole thing; after all, how can you know you have true chemistry with a person until you meet face to face? But my hope is that this will really help with my healing, and who knows? I really have no expectations--mainly because I don't feel ready to actually start a relationship.

 

I'm chatting with about twenty guys so far. It's hard to keep track. I wish the Zoosk interface were like email so that each guy could have a "folder," or some such. So far, when I am chatting and ready to sign off, I don't just stop responding but rather tell them I am going to log off and I'll talk with them again. What is the best thing to do? Should I plan to log on just once a day and respond to messages, search for interesting new connections and investigate new requests? Should I try to stay active at intervals throughout the day? Does it look bad to be on it a lot, or is that desirable because you can get to know people better? How do you handle it?

 

Also, I've already blocked people who have sent me chat requests but in whom I am not interested and I know nothing they could ever say will make me interested. Like, dudes covered in tattoos who smoke heavily and can't produce a single grammatically correct sentence. I also blocked one man with whom I'd already chatted for a while as I felt he came on way too strong and seemed pushy and too full of himself.

 

My attitude is that until I really establish a connection, I have every right to just stop communicating and even block if I choose to. That's the name of the game, no? I just want to be 100% sure.

 

Also, what are people's experience with Zoosk? I've read some bad reviews and have held off on downloading the Messenger as I hear it takes over your whole system. Plus, I don't want to "flirt on the go." If I'm going to have conversations with people I've never met, I want to be in a place where I can concentrate on the conversation, not out and about flipping through my phone.

 

Thanks.

 

If you're looking to meet new people and not necessarily have a relationship there are loads of ways to do that.

If you are interested in doing the online dating thing for now, of course you have every right to communicate and stop communicating with whomever you like. Best of luck to you! xx

[salparadise]

Does it look bad to be on it a lot, or is that desirable because you can get to know people better? How do you handle it?

 

I'd lose interest in a woman if I knew that she's constantly online. It would be apparent that she's just gaming as many men as possible... meaning she's a complete waste of time, energy and emotion.

 

My attitude is that until I really establish a connection, I have every right to just stop communicating and even block if I choose to. That's the name of the game, no? I just want to be 100% sure.

 

Sure you have every right- you can treat good, sincere people as poorly as you want if that's the kind of person you are. But those chicken are going to come home to roost, so don't go whining to mama when your karma catches up with you. Thank goodness not everyone is like that.

[44tt]

So I finally decided to take the plunge.

 

I don't think I am ready to begin a new relationship; I'm not even sure I'm ready to go on a date though I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I decided to join Zoosk, with the attitude that I need at this point to actively make efforts to forget my ex (we've been broken up for nearly a year and I felt we had all kinds of unfinished business and so felt he'd be in touch, but he never once contacted me; he himself is on a dating site and has been for the past three months; and I think I have to force myself to give up), and invite new people into my life, even if for now it's online.

 

I have never tried online dating. I have always felt very skeptical of the whole thing; after all, how can you know you have true chemistry with a person until you meet face to face? But my hope is that this will really help with my healing, and who knows? I really have no expectations--mainly because I don't feel ready to actually start a relationship.

 

I'm chatting with about twenty guys so far. It's hard to keep track. I wish the Zoosk interface were like email so that each guy could have a "folder," or some such. So far, when I am chatting and ready to sign off, I don't just stop responding but rather tell them I am going to log off and I'll talk with them again. What is the best thing to do? Should I plan to log on just once a day and respond to messages, search for interesting new connections and investigate new requests? Should I try to stay active at intervals throughout the day? Does it look bad to be on it a lot, or is that desirable because you can get to know people better? How do you handle it?

 

Also, I've already blocked people who have sent me chat requests but in whom I am not interested and I know nothing they could ever say will make me interested. Like, dudes covered in tattoos who smoke heavily and can't produce a single grammatically correct sentence. I also blocked one man with whom I'd already chatted for a while as I felt he came on way too strong and seemed pushy and too full of himself.

 

My attitude is that until I really establish a connection, I have every right to just stop communicating and even block if I choose to. That's the name of the game, no? I just want to be 100% sure.

 

Also, what are people's experience with Zoosk? I've read some bad reviews and have held off on downloading the Messenger as I hear it takes over your whole system. Plus, I don't want to "flirt on the go." If I'm going to have conversations with people I've never met, I want to be in a place where I can concentrate on the conversation, not out and about flipping through my phone.

 

Thanks.

 

you don't want to narrow it down to about 5 guys and talk on the phone to determine if you are compatible enough for a face to face meet?

[Zapbasket]

I had heard that in the online dating world, you meet people who never ask for a real date. I was expecting to spend at least 2-3 weeks online chatting with the handful of guys I'd singled out before there was so much as one invite for a live date.

 

But all the guys I've kept up chatting with over the past week (I have, indeed, narrowed it down to 6 guys) have asked whether I'd like to meet in person. I'm a little taken aback, because two of them live at least 75 miles away (I live in a rural area). It seems awfully far to drive for coffee, especially when I can't really tell whether we'd hit it off or not. It seems easy to have an online interaction between two people who are articulate and share at least one common interest.

 

I just don't know what to do next. I feel like dating online is like dating on another planet; maybe I just need more time to get used to it. How do I best proceed? Tell the guys I"m most interested in that I would like to spend more time chatting on the site, or bite the bullet and set up a date and find out whether indeed there is any compatibility there?

[salparadise]

How do I best proceed? Tell the guys I"m most interested in that I would like to spend more time chatting on the site, or bite the bullet and set up a date and find out whether indeed there is any compatibility there?

 

The latter. You can't tell whether you'll find anyone interesting and attractive until you meet in person. People who have done online dating awhile understand this- they don't want to waste precious time and energy chatting on the site. Every time I've done extended chats and raised expectations, the first meeting has been has been disappointing. Use chat to screen for baseline interest and to make sure they aren't serial killers, then meet for coffee to see what they're really like to interact with. Keep expectations low and don't get invested before you're actually dating and getting to know them.

[Zapbasket]

So one guy I've interacted with on the site has suggested we talk on the phone, and he has already picked out a coffee spot he likes and said his interest is piqued enough for him to make the long-ish drive to my area for us to meet.

 

Any advice about the phone call? I plan to ask him for his number, and not give him mine, and make my number private when I call him at the time we mutually agree upon. You know, just to be sure that, if he's a serial killer, he doesn't get any of my contact info.

 

I'm nervous! I've never had a blind date before, let alone a blind phone call. And so far of all the guys I've been chatting with, I'm most intrigued by this one. He is very, very handsome and we have some cool things in common beyond just hobbies. I'm afraid that if he's so good looking, he might be a player. I dunno...I'm just afraid, period.

[Zapbasket]

I joined Zoosk a few weeks ago as my first foray ever into online dating. I have mixed feelings about the experience so far.

 

I started chatting with this guy who lives 2.5 hours away (I live in a small, rural community). We've been chatting for just over a week and a couple of days ago he said he'd like to talk on the phone. Before I had a chance to reply to that offer, he sent a bunch of messages bashing Zoosk and saying he was going to leave the site, so if I wanted to continue talking to him, I'd have to move off site. He also said he'd like for us to meet in person and suggested this coming weekend, then saying he didn't want to make a long drive just to meet for coffee and suggested that if things went well we could "spend a romantic weekend together."

 

He came off as a bit pushy in his tone and attitude and I just feel like he's really jumped the gun. It has put me off; now I kind-of don't feel like having a phone chat with him. Am I being a bit too reactionary? There's just something that doesn't sit right with me.

 

Another guy I've been chatting with lives even further away. We've had some interesting exchanges but I don't really see myself developing a romantic interest in him. He hasn't suggested we meet up, but he seems to expect we chat every day--long, thoughtful chats--which is great, but I just don't want to spend so much time online. I see online dating as a supplement, not a replacement, to getting out and putting myself in new situations where I can meet new people. I felt a little annoyed when today I quickly checked my Zoosk inbox and saw that he had sent a note: "You ok?" We had had a long exchange on Tuesday evening and I explained that I found it difficult to spend hours on the site every day and he said he understood and I thought we were on the same page. It rankles me a bit that this guy and I barely know each other and somehow I'm supposed to drop everythign every day to send long chats when I typically have 20 or more new messages to sift through.

 

It's exhausting and I feel like I'm the only one who has any semblance of realistic expectations; these guys seem a bit unrealistic, no? Or is online dating maybe not right for me, or am I maybe just not ready even just to begin looking, which is what I joined the site originally to do?

[Gaeta]

You picked one of the worse dating site out there.

 

Zoosk is full of fake profiles and it's full of weirdos.

 

It's also expensive and they doubled charged my credit card!!

 

Get on a site with a better reputation and stick to men that lives within a 45 mins drive.

 

Those 2 contacts are worthless, cut contact.

[Zapbasket]

How is it that Zoosk could be more full of weirdos than another dating site?

 

Are these experiences I describe in my OP typical of online dating?

[dogeared]

How is it that Zoosk could be more full of weirdos than another dating site?

 

Are these experiences I describe in my OP typical of online dating?

I've never tried online dating, but a lot of my friends do it, and they all have similar experiences, mixed in with some good ones of course. They all use Match.

 

 

Off the top of my head, one met her husband on Match (divorced a year later) and one had a long term relationship. Another friend met his fiancé on Match; they are getting married soon, and have been together for 3 years.

 

 

Other than that, I feel like the number of people I know who ended up in some kind of LTR from an OLD site is pretty low compared to the number of people I know who use them looking for a relationship.

[carhill]

OP, IMO establish a style for yourself regarding meeting people online that is comfortable for you, stick with it and dismiss any interactions which don't mesh with it. This can go a long way to reducing annoyance.

 

For example, my historical style has always been a few messages then, as appropriate, suggesting an in-person meeting. I prefer to prosecute relationships in person and historical experience with women has taught me that a woman assesses a man immediately in person so, if there's nothing there, better to get that out of the way ASAP in order to move on to the next potential.

 

Your style is your style. Clarify it and apply it consistently and with positive feeling. IMO, OLD is no different than random meetings IRL. With billions of people on the planet, the chances of any particular interaction turning into a lifelong union are infinitesimal. I always approached it that way, though that approach was honed by many years of real life rejections prior to online dating appearing on the horizon.

 

If you don't want to travel, don't meet men at distance. If you do like to travel, the distance shouldn't be a factor. I don't mind travel and my exW lived 60 miles away and we dealt with that distance while dating. Someone else would have passed on that. Different strokes. Both valid. Good luck!

[HappyLove]

Very typical! OLDing is a big ol waste of time.

[Zapbasket]

So once I decide I'm not interested in pursuing a conversation further--say, with these two guys who clearly have indicated they have expectations from our interactions--is it best I just let them know in a short, direct email?

 

My gut instinct is to do that, and then block them so that I don't have to worry about further contact. I want to have a positive experience when I log on and don't want to have to keep encountering the guys I'm not interested in.

 

Is that fair?

[Zapbasket]

I wish this thread hadn't been merged with my old one.

 

I just don't get online dating. There's not one guy I've corresponded with who really stoked my interest. Some of them are very good looking and do interesting things...I just am not feeling it and I can't tell if it's just me not being ready to date again yet, or if I'm just expecting the wrong things in written interactions. I feel like I could take or leave any guy I've interacted with so far online.

 

Any advice for success on this thing? My attitude about this is to think of it like attending a cocktail party, and just being open to conversation. But at real cocktail parties, there can be a whole evening of just polite conversation, and then there can be one person with whom you feel that "click." That's what I'm waiting for here, but I wonder whether the only way to feel that "click" is to meet in person?

 

I just don't even feel inspired to meet anyone in person so far. The whole thing feels very foreign. In "real life" I'm very adept at making connections and I just feel so awkward online.

[William]

I wish this thread hadn't been merged with my old one.

 

 

If wishes were horses.

 

LoveShack.org Community Forums - Announcements in Forum : Dating

 

Members are free to post anything wherever and whenever they want. As a moderated forum, we are constrained by guidelines to organize postings per the instructions of the site owner. Merging similar threads is part of that edict.

 

With housekeeping out of the way, please continue!

[HappyLove]

I wish this thread hadn't been merged with my old one.

 

I just don't get online dating. There's not one guy I've corresponded with who really stoked my interest. Some of them are very good looking and do interesting things...I just am not feeling it and I can't tell if it's just me not being ready to date again yet, or if I'm just expecting the wrong things in written interactions. I feel like I could take or leave any guy I've interacted with so far online.

 

Any advice for success on this thing? My attitude about this is to think of it like attending a cocktail party, and just being open to conversation. But at real cocktail parties, there can be a whole evening of just polite conversation, and then there can be one person with whom you feel that "click." That's what I'm waiting for here, but I wonder whether the only way to feel that "click" is to meet in person?

 

I just don't even feel inspired to meet anyone in person so far. The whole thing feels very foreign. In "real life" I'm very adept at making connections and I just feel so awkward online.

 

 

If you have no problems meeting people in real life why go through the torture of OLDing? You haven't even gotten to the fun part yet...dates who show up 50lbs overweight, bald, 20 years older than their pics, married... dating for several months only to have them disappear into thin air. Being stood up after telling family or friends you have a date, embarrassed and dressed up with no where to go. If you're already complaining wait until you start setting up meet & greets. Poor thing. Save yourself!

[bu2002]

I wish this thread hadn't been merged with my old one.

 

I just don't get online dating. There's not one guy I've corresponded with who really stoked my interest. Some of them are very good looking and do interesting things...I just am not feeling it and I can't tell if it's just me not being ready to date again yet, or if I'm just expecting the wrong things in written interactions. I feel like I could take or leave any guy I've interacted with so far online.

 

Any advice for success on this thing? My attitude about this is to think of it like attending a cocktail party, and just being open to conversation. But at real cocktail parties, there can be a whole evening of just polite conversation, and then there can be one person with whom you feel that "click." That's what I'm waiting for here, but I wonder whether the only way to feel that "click" is to meet in person?

 

I just don't even feel inspired to meet anyone in person so far. The whole thing feels very foreign. In "real life" I'm very adept at making connections and I just feel so awkward online.

 

I thought Zoosk was a weird site.

 

For a free site, try OkCupid. Their profile setup allows you to use your personality.

 

For a paid site, try Match.

 

If you try Match, don't sign up for a membership just yet. Be a trial member but don't put up a picture yet, just fill out the rest of the profile. Then do a search of the males out there near you and see what you think of the inventory. If you like what you see, then go ahead and pay so you can exchange messages. Then put your picture up so you get hits.

 

Now since you said you live in a rural area, then yes you are probably going to have to be more selective since you're wanting to reduce your in person invites.

[OwMyEyeball]

If OLD is too detached for your sentiments then you're better off putting your energy towards pursuing hobbies and passions that can meld with social gatherings.

 

Dating is supposed to be fun, not taxing.