star_shooter Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Hi All. When you break up with someone you've been with for a long time; how long does the pain last? How do you make it go away? What do you do to occupy your mind if you keep thinking about them? Thank you All.
mightycpa Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 So, just to be clear, when YOU break up with someone, or when someone breaks up with YOU? I think it makes a difference. Also, if someone broke up with you, a lot will depend on HOW they did it, and the symptoms that caused it. For example, if you thought everything was great, and they did it out of the blue with no explanation, maybe by text, then that will take a long time because you'll spend tons of energy trying to understand it. But, if you were fighting all the time, or withheld sex, or cheated on you regularly, then that might not take as long. 1
Strength in Healing Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 There's no equation my friend. But if there were, it would come down to something along the lines of... How they treated you in the relationship + how the relationship ended + how you felt about them + how long the relationship lasted What's important is you don't run from the pain, you run towards it. Know that everyone processes it differently. Some relationships took me over a year to get over. Some very quickly. What's important is you allow yourself to process the pain and accept it. 1
Author star_shooter Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 When someone Breaks up with you. Not the other way around.
mightycpa Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 wouldn't it be nice if there really was a calculator for that. just drop in all the variables, and it spits out how long you'll suffer. then you could mark down the days on your calendar 2
tornforever Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 To answer your question, i got out of a horrible breakup of 2 years and im 3 months into mourning and still feel terrible formula wise something like this? 1 for good -1 for bad HTTU = 1; HTRE = -1; -1 for badly +1 for smoothly HUFAT = 1; 1 for strong -1 for not strong HLTRL = 1.6; //duration in years (HTTU*0.12+HTRE*0.12+HUFAT*0.12+HLTRL*0.25)*12 //in months although i heard a good mourning period is a quarter duration of the relationship in months (web research)
shoegal4 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 There is no exact way of knowing when you will be over that kind of pain. It's an individual process. Overtime, you start waking up and you hurt a little less. It's one of those things where you stop yourself in the grocery aisle while browsing cereal and go "wow...I haven't cried today." Eventually, down the line you'll be sitting in your pajamas on your couch late at night and suddenly go "Funny, I haven't thought about him since lunch." The best part is when you're sitting around with your girlfriends and you can honestly say with warranted disgust "ugh remember when I dated that loser. What was I thinking?!" - then you're good. 1
Bigmess2 Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 My last relationship which lasted 4 years lasted for about 6-7 months. We fought all the time and he left me for someone he works with yet still tried contact in me all the time. This time around it's only been 2 weeks out of a year and 8 month relationship and I feel like every morning I wake up the pain is worse. We never faught and lived together so I was so used to waking up to him. Idk when this pain will go away.... But it doesn't feel like it'll be anytime soon.
mrty Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Hi, so sorry to hear you're in pain. There's no real time limit, everyone processes their own pain differently. Just to let you know you're not alone in how you are feeling. I'm struggling myself at the moment too. I really hope you feel better soon. Take care.
SoThatHappened Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 As has been mentioned, there's no formula, set time, or hard rule. Breakups and heartbreak suck. I feel for ya, as I'm in the same boat. Most of us are. I got cheated on when things were at their peak. Why? Have no idea. I'm a very unemotional, cerebral, logical type of person. I've learned that there's no escaping the emotions and you HAVE to accept them. I've cried. I've thought I was "over it". Then cried again. Then stopped eating again. All within a 10 week period. It takes a while for the heart to mend and the head to catch up. Also, there will be bad days mixed in with good days. I read that on here before and I thought, "Nah, once I'm over it I'll just be over it." Believe me, those bad days can sneak up on you. No other choice but to deal with them. Also, the 2 to 3 month mark can also be hard. For the last month I was really doing well. Then got hit by a few bad days again. As has been said in other posts, I think it's that point when you realize the finality of it all and it really sinks in. Do what you can to keep your mind off it. Anything and everything. Deal with the emotions and let them out. Soon you'll be at the point where, as shoegal said, you'll be asking yourself, "why the freak was I even with them?!" Hang in there 2
hurts2death Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 a year for me to clean but from that point you will make the pain logical and not emotional, that logic never fades just becomes dormant
Pickmeup Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 yes i agree - 3 months in and it feels like I've got back to the beginning with the pain, hurt and tears. Think it's because I have accepted it's over now before I was still living in hope he would change his mind. :-( It's a horrible journey but we will get through it. I hope you soon have more good days than bad ones.
OwMyEyeball Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 There's no way to accelerate the process, but there are ways to keep it from dragging out. No Contact is a big one that is repeatedly and strongly advised. That includes one-way contact (e.g. checking social media). It's emotional scab-picking and wound salting. Allowing yourself to feel the pain rather than seeking constant distraction is another. That's tough to do for chronic thinkers since the emotions quickly have thoughts, reasons and theories pegged to them. Repression just draws it out as one long, never-ending ache. It's a kind of malaise that bogs you down; one you're not even entirely aware of. Some call it depression Allowing yourself to share the pain with confidants (close friends, family, therapist, counselor, etc.) is also critical. Never suffer in silence. You need to let those thoughts and feelings out in the company of trusted companions otherwise they end up looping and looping like bald tires spinning out on a muddy track; digging deeper ruts and getting crap all over the place. Some of those thoughts and feelings will feel dark and twisted, but they need to come out and be exposed for what they are so that you can be confident in knowing that they're a) understandable and b) removable. The first couple weeks or so are the roughest. There's some undeniable withdrawal anguish. Indulging in some distraction then isn't such a bad idea. But at some point when you regain a semblance of composure comes the rebuilding phase. There's a big gap left not only in your heart, but your entire schedule. All that time you once spent with the ex ... now what? That's a big opportunity for some tender self-care. Develop some daily rituals (i.e. routines with personal meaning), explore new hobbies, spend more time with friends and family. Get yourself focused on you. Not in a self-absorbed way, but in the sense of exploring yourself and who you are and how you relate to the world. What you actually want, not what you may thought you had wanted when your identity was more tightly bound in the relationship. Or, you can ruminate, brood, plot and scheme. That'll only invite the pain to stick around longer. We all do it to some extent. Denial is powerful. But the more aware we become of our behaviours and the reasons for them, the better able we are to navigate around them towards sunnier, calmer seas. It's like being caught up in a big storm. It seems like never-ending chaos all around you, but on the outside there is peace. You will find calm. It's there. And you'll be able to look back at the storm and laugh to yourself "What was that all about?" Best wishes
Jackoat Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 (edited) Sigh, I have been struggling for 6 years now. Very hard to go on. She hurt me pretty bad by cheating. Trust issues now. And can't let go. Dream of her almost every day although i'm in a new relationship for 2 years now. Just awful. We had a 6 year relationship. Edited August 16, 2014 by Jackoat
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