lepetitchat Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 I hope someone on this site can give am some advice - I was dating a lovely guy for six weeks. We got on fine, never a cross word. We were spending a lot of time together, 2 nights on the weekends and a least one in the week. Everything seemed great. I had not been this happy in YEARS. I must say he was the one wanting to see me, I was not persuing him. We were planning to go away for the weekend, made reservations then out of the blue I received a text saying that he loved me very much but we couldn't see each other any more. I am so confused. He has not been able to explian why he wanted to break up. He only says that he is not sure about us. The only contact we have had is via email. One day he emailed me 14 times, just having a conversation like we used to. I have not contacted him except to respond to an email. Does this sound like he just got scared? I must add that we are not kids, both in our thirties. He did say that he felt as though he missed out on having fun when he was younger. Stuff like clubbing, partying etc. I am not so into that but never gave him any problems about he doing it. Could he be in conflict? I know it was a short relationship but we did get very close. When a man gets scared does he come back? It there anything I should do? He does suffer from depression. I don't know if that is a factor. The only thing I do know is I am completely heartbroken and confused. Any advice would be appreciated.
upsetnhurt Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Let it go. I am sure you have feelings for this man yet it has only been six weeks and he has already shown you that he is not ready to commit to any relationship with you. Thank god you saw this now rather than spending any more time with this person. It shouldn't matter why he has done this, yet know that it had nothing to do with who you are, it's all him and his problems. Please move on and don't initiate contact with him and don't answer his emails. I don't discredit your hurt, yet think about how much more hurt you would feel if he did this years down the road. Find someone who is ready for a relationship and willing to do whatever it takes to make it successful.
midori Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Hi lepetitchat, I can imagine how stunned you must be feeling right now, and I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you're struggling with. On the other hand, at least it was only six weeks. He didn't have too much time to sink roots into your life and become a regular presence. It should be fairly easy to pick up your life as it was before you met him. And that is what I advise you do. The possible reasons for this guy blowing hot and cold are perhaps many, are not really knowable by you or anyone here, and are ultimately irrelevant. The bottom line is that he's inconsistent. That doesn't mean he deliberately set out to decieve you (I'm sure he didn't), or that something enormous and horrible occurred to him about you or his relationship with you (again, probably not the case). He's just not reliable. When our feelings are involved (love, pride, sexual attraction, affection) I think we tend to apply a different logic than we would if a certain behavior pattern emerged in another context. If someone came to you pushing a business propopsition in a very convincing manner, and then suddenly pulled out with no real explanation, you probably wouldn't search for the underlying reasons behind his inconsistency. "What a flake I'm never doing business with him again!" would suffice. And if you did find out he suffered from depression, you'd feel sorry for him and see that it wasn't personal -- but you still wouldn't want to do business with him again, would you? You definitely can't make broad generalizations about people based on one or two behaviors. But you can look at a pattern that a particular individual demonstrates, and reasonably conclude that the pattern will be continued by that individual going forward. This guy came on to you pretty strong and fast: you'd only been dating for six weeks but he'd already established wanting to spend all weekend with you and some weeknights too. He was the one persuing you, as you say. After only six weeks, a weekend away together. So far there's nothing wrong with this scenario, necessarily, although you could ask yourself, "did he drop everything to spend all his free time with me?" And just note that down, without drawing any positive or negative conclusions. Then he does a 180 on you and breaks up with you in a cowardly, impersonal fashion, for reasons he can't articulate. Wow! You didn't see it coming, and you probably couldn't have, but now if you pair that with the way he came on so fast and strong with you at first, putting everything else in his life on the back burner, I think you get a pattern of rash, thoughtless behavior. My guess is that he likes you a lot, but doesn't have his act together to be in a relationship with you. Probably doesn't have his act together enough to be in a relationship with anyone, but if he really likes and respects you (as seems to be the case, thus his inability to face you with the breakup news) then you're someone he's particularly not ready to be with. Insecurity, depression, not over his last girlfriend, whatever. The reasons really don't matter. They're not about you, they're about him. The only solid evidence you have before you is that he is unreliable. All else is conjecture. He might not know where he's coming from, what he wants, or how to overcome his problems (and only he can figure these things out) but he does know one thing and you should pay attention: he can't be in a relationship with you. Believe that. You might find this discussion interesting: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t54631/ So my advice is to write this guy off. If it's easier for you to do that by severing all ties with him, you should go ahead and do that. Don't take responsibility for his shortcomings. Don't accept half-assed explanations, further turnarounds or mixed signals from him. Recognize that he probably means well, but he's incapable of doing well by you. Feel sorry for him, and for anyone unfortunate enough to get tangled up with him. Good luck. I'll bet if you make some plans with friends and keep yourself distracted for the next few weeks, you'll put this behind you in no time.
Author lepetitchat Posted February 28, 2005 Author Posted February 28, 2005 Thank you for your responses. Unfortunately I still feel I would like him back. He is the first man that I have cared for this much in many years. He actually got me, which doesn't happen often. Do you think it could be the 'rubber band effect'? That he got scared and may come back? Midori, I love your analogy of relationships are like doing business. Unfortunately in my business, fashion, I must make a lot of allowences for flaky people. Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment? Does anyone think that if I do the NC thing, he may come back? Or should I just call and demand an explaination? Sorry to be so wet but I am still hurting even though it has been two weeks since I received the break up text. Cat
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted March 1, 2005 Posted March 1, 2005 let me say midori... excellent post... i really liked your business analogy! i like you am usually very wise and see things in B&W except I like lepetitchat have a head full of probable irrational logic about an ex lepetitchat... i like you have gone through similiar except probably worse as my relationship lasted 5 months therefore allowing myself to drop my barriers and completely fall in love with my ex i should have seen the writing on the wall but i accepted her back many times and made the ultimate of efforts to make the relationship work! she too dumped me several times via texting ( f***ing pathetic by the way! ) first time was after a month because i delayed visiting her for 1 night as i couldn't get the family car, second time was whatever, third was a trivial reason too she critisised and humiliated me several times about being unemployed while sleeping in my house ( she doesn't have a house! ) , i slept downstairs and told her when she gets up in the morning to just leave and not come back ( this was afetr say 3 months ) , she begged me to take her back and i did... i did this several times! i have been doing NC with her, she has constantly kept in contact with me ( and i have to admit i responded ) lepetitchat I truly recommend you do NC and stick to it i like you for some damn reason still love my ex and would want it to work out BUT at least you only had 6 weeks! yes i know it is still hard BUT if it was longer like me or even much longer like others it is so so so much harder and painful you should see the writing on the wall... a precursor!!!!!! BAIL OUT OF THIS SINKING SHIP!
mental_traveller Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 He may be in a relationship he is unhappy in - instead of breaking off, then looking for a woman, he might have gone looking for one first to "hedge his bets", then once he found her (you in this possibile scenario), maybe didn't have the balls to follow through and split up, or maybe reconciled with his gf etc. People do it all the time - instead of breaking off, and being alone, they want to find someone to "break off to" so they can exit a relationship without going through the problems of being alone. Not saying this is the case here, but it's a possibility. It definitely fits the "abrupt" nature of the breakup. Another possibility is that he had a bit of a fantasy view of you, and once reality started entering into the equation, it spoiled the dream and he realised it wasn't what he was looking for. Sometimes that happens too - men sometimes get carried away with lust & new relationship excitment, then it wears off after a bit. I'd just put it down to experience. Definitely DON'T get back with this guy. Take it from another man, he *doesn't* like you enough if he has acted like this after 6 weeks, unless there is some major event like his mother dying or something. P.S. be very careful about getting back because he really "got you". Sometimes flighty people can be extremely charismatic and seductive, but ultimately they'll break your heart if you let them. Anyway, if you're still not sure, you can try my little rule of thumb when in doubt, which is to give one more chance, but no more. And make that clear to them. If they screw you around again after an ultimatum, they'll never respect you no matter what. So that's a good way to sort the wheat from the chaff.
Recommended Posts