Apologies

[kjohn]

This is a spin-off question from another thread.

 

Hypothetical situation…

 

You and your SO are having a discussion, conversation, argument, fight…whatever. Your SO says some things to you that really hurt your feelings and leave you feeling badly about yourself.

 

You tell your SO that he/she hurt your feelings.

 

Your SO thinks that it is ridiculous that what he/she said hurt your feelings and thinks that you are just being overly sensitive and taking things too personally.

 

Should your SO apologize to you?

[Philosoraptor]

In a word, yes. In a healthy relationship one can acknowledge that they may not feel the same way as you. And though they may not feel your basis for being upset is valid, they can still feel sorrow for what they said having hurt you.

[TXGuy]

In a word, no.

 

If what the guy said was not something that would objectively (reasonable person standard) hurt the others feelings, then he did nothing wrong. If he did nothing wrong, he has nothing to apologize for. Perhaps the most you could as for is a "I'm sorry you feel that way." At least then you will not be browbeating him into a lie just to placate you. (I am assuming this is not an isolated event. First time, maybe. Any subsequent times, no).

 

Demanding an apology when one is not war rented is controlling and blame shifting. It would be just as bad if he got angry with you for no good reason and then demanded that you apologize for making him mad. That would also be controlling and blame shifting.

[Philosoraptor]

If what the guy said was not something that would objectively (reasonable person standard) hurt the others feelings, then he did nothing wrong.

Objective thinking does not coincide with emotions. Believing you have done nothing wrong does not give you a pass to lack any empathy for the situation.

 

It's easier to maintain a healthy relationship from a place of empathy versus "I'm right, you're wrong... deal with it". By telling someone else (someone you're supposed to care about) that their feelings are invalid you are building walls and suffocating the lines of communication.

 

While logically we can look at situation from the outside and believe that what was said did not warrant that type of reaction... we can not fully understand how it was interpreted by the other person or how words that seem mild to us may affect them. Empathy and understanding will always be a better choice than stubbornness.

[TXGuy]

Objective thinking does not coincide with emotions. Believing you have done nothing wrong does not give you a pass to lack any empathy for the situation.

 

It's easier to maintain a healthy relationship from a place of empathy versus "I'm right, you're wrong... deal with it". By telling someone else (someone you're supposed to care about) that their feelings are invalid you are building walls and suffocating the lines of communication.

 

While logically we can look at situation from the outside and believe that what was said did not warrant that type of reaction... we can not fully understand how it was interpreted by the other person or how words that seem mild to us may affect them. Empathy and understanding will always be a better choice than stubbornness.

 

That is one way to look at it. Another is that browbeating someone into an apology when an apology is not warranted is a form of manipulation. I based my response above on OP's earlier BBQ thread where is was crystal clear the bf did nothing wrong, but because her 'feelings were hurt' (likely driven by the knowledge her position was way out of line), she was insisting he apologize.

 

Any thoughts on if the situation was reversed and a man repeatedly insisted his GF apologize to him for 'making him angry' when she did nothing that would warrant getting mad?

[kjohn]

That is one way to look at it. Another is that browbeating someone into an apology when an apology is not warranted is a form of manipulation. I based my response above on OP's earlier BBQ thread where is was crystal clear the bf did nothing wrong, but because her 'feelings were hurt' (likely driven by the knowledge her position was way out of line), she was insisting he apologize.

 

Any thoughts on if the situation was reversed and a man repeatedly insisted his GF apologize to him for 'making him angry' when she did nothing that would warrant getting mad?

 

I love how you keep using the term "browbeating" as if to insinuate that I stood over him with a rolling pin threatening to hit him with it unless he apologized to me immediately. LMAO!!

 

I asked one time. I asked in a very calm and polite manner. "I would like you to apologize for hurting my feelings."

 

I never asked again.

 

If a one-time, polite request for an apology is "brow beating" to you, I'm sorry for whatever you have been through in your past that has left you with these emotional scars.

 

If my BF told me that something I said or did hurt his feelings I would immediately apologize. IMMEDIATELY. No questions asked.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not I think that his feelings "should" have been hurt. It is not my place to determine when his feelings are allowed to be hurt or not. If I hurt somebody. I apologize for it. Period.

 

It's called human decency and common courtesy.

 

How can you possibly know what does or does not hurt somebody else? How is it your place to make that determination? I don't understand where your stubbornness is coming from.

 

If I stub my toe and wince from the pain are you going to tell me that it didn't hurt?

 

How would you know whether or not my toe hurts? You are not inside my body, experiencing what I am experiencing and feeling what I am feeling.

 

What gives you the right to make a judgment about the validity of anyone else's feelings?

[TXGuy]

 

If I stub my toe and wince from the pain are you going to tell me that it didn't hurt?

 

How would you know whether or not my toe hurts? You are not inside my body, experiencing what I am experiencing and feeling what I am feeling.

 

 

I think this is a perfect analogy. Your toe might very well be hurt. But I am not going to apologize to you for it, not if I did not do anything to cause it.

 

I'm sorry to hear your toe hurts. I can say that without lying. I will not apologize for stubbing your toe, as I didn't do it.

[TXGuy]

 

What gives you the right to make a judgment about the validity of anyone else's feelings?

 

You can have whatever feelings you want to have. Or involuntarily have. That is fine. No one is disputing that.

 

(I would say that your boyfriend and I, and anyone else, can make a judgement as to whether they are reasonable or not. But, lets set that aside for now.)

 

Your boyfriend cannot apologize for your feelings. That does not make any sense. If he were to apologize, he would apologize for his actions which might have triggered those feelings. If his actions were wrong, you have a case for an apology. If his actions were not wrong, you have no business expecting an apology.

 

If his actions were not wrong, but your feelings were hurt anyway, then that is on you, not him. This is the situation I saw in the BBQ thread. You could not point to a single thing he did wrong, but your feelings were hurt. I still do not see how he could legitimately apologize in this case, even if he wanted to.

[central]

TXGuy, even if you're right, it doesn't hurt to apologize to make the other person feel better and validate their emotions. It doesn't mean you're wrong or that they're right.

 

As someone once put it - Would you rather be right, or laid?