Itspointless Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 My friends (which are two girls who I've been friends with forever) are nice women and they do care about me. I don't doubt that. But they get wrapped up in their own lives and don't keep up the friendship with me consistently. They, like me, get depressed which is probably what makes us connect. So you have three women with mental issues trying to stay friends. I'm not saying they should come over and stay with me for hours but I don't understand why they can't have a nice conversation on the phone at least once a week. Even if the phone call is only 15 minutes it would help. I'm going to take a look at that book you suggested today. The book summarizes a lot that I discovered or read about through the years. I hope you like it too. I recommend you to say what you wrote, learn to communicate your needs. It is not something to be ashamed and feel critical about. Perhaps you three can find a way to make an arrangement to talk a certain amount of the time about what is bothering/depressing you - as sharing is important - and take the rest of the time for more positive things. It sounds like you are now reinforcing each-others outlook on things. Even better would be doing some nice activities outside together, Like seeing cities, cycling, walking in the woods or on the beach, sporting together. I am certain that it will make your friendship with them even better. 1
Author DorothyGale Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 The book summarizes a lot that I discovered or read about through the years. I hope you like it too. I recommend you to say what you wrote, learn to communicate your needs. It is not something to be ashamed and feel critical about. Perhaps you three can find a way to make an arrangement to talk a certain amount of the time about what is bothering/depressing you - as sharing is important - and take the rest of the time for more positive things. It sounds like you are now reinforcing each-others outlook on things. Even better would be doing some nice activities outside together, Like seeing cities, cycling, walking in the woods or on the beach, sporting together. I am certain that it will make your friendship with them even better. That's great advice. Thank you! (To tell you the truth I don't understand your online name since you make great points.)
Itspointless Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 (edited) That's great advice. Thank you! (To tell you the truth I don't understand your online name since you make great points.) Thank you, that means a lot to me. I try to bring in what I have learned myself. In november I had a break-up long distance with someone who turned out to be very avoidant. We were only a few months together when she got ill again. She pushed me away, she could not handle vulnerability and intimacy. She turned to someone comparable to Spock (Star Trek). It turned out she always pushed people away when stressed, she learned coping this way. Cognitively I can understand her, but the situation was 'pointless'. To this day I have trouble accepting it. It touched an earlier trauma of mine: I have enough work to do myself. Life occurrences are as I believe coincidently and without meaning, but to give it a humanistic outset, we have the power to make it meaningful. We can - for example - give it meaning by taking care of ourselves, and try to learn about what we encounter, so that we not unconsciously do unto others what we ourselves fear the most. Edited August 15, 2014 by Itspointless
Author DorothyGale Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 Thank you, that means a lot to me. I try to bring in what I have learned myself. In november I had a break-up long distance with someone who turned out to be very avoidant. We were only a few months together when she got ill again. She pushed me away, she could not handle vulnerability and intimacy. She turned to someone comparable to Spock (Star Trek). It turned out she always pushed people away when stressed, she learned coping this way. Cognitively I can understand her, but the situation was 'pointless'. To this day I have trouble accepting it. It touched an earlier trauma of mine: I have enough work to do myself. Life occurrences are as I believe coincidently and without meaning, but to give it a humanistic outset, we have the power to make it meaningful. We can - for example - give it meaning by taking care of ourselves, and try to learn about what we encounter, so that we not unconsciously do unto others what we ourselves fear the most. I'm surprised that she didn't cling on when she was ill. But then again I'm very needy so I don't understand that way of thinking. TBH there are much more needy woman out there then those who prefer to push a man away in their times of trouble. Most women would be thrilled to have a man there holding their hand during medical illness. So it seems you are in much demand
Itspointless Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 So it seems you are in much demand She had a hard childhood where she endured a lot of abandonment. And thank you The thing is, that is part of my pattern: wanting to help. So this also takes a really honest look to myself.
Author DorothyGale Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 She had a hard childhood where she endured a lot of abandonment. And thank you The thing is, that is part of my pattern: wanting to help. So this also takes a really honest look to myself. Everyone reacts to abandonment issues differently. She might not have trusted you. I avoid those I don't trust like the plague but cling heavily to those that I do. Wanting to help people, especially a mate, is a very desirable quality. My husband is like that and it's what holds our marriage together. 1
Itspointless Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 Everyone reacts to abandonment issues differently. She might not have trusted you. I avoid those I don't trust like the plague but cling heavily to those that I do. Wanting to help people, especially a mate, is a very desirable quality. My husband is like that and it's what holds our marriage together. Helping people is a very good trait. But we have to be aware that we keep track of our own needs and boundaries, that is a lot harder than it sounds as there are unconscious processes at play. I was very careful when it comes to this. Seriously I would have laught if someone had told that this would happen, as she was the opposite. One of the lessons I learned is that people can - according to psychologists - at first incorporate you in their fantasy, where all resemblances to their childhood are absent. But the moment you become real the fear hits, than they make a 180, especially when stress adds to the situation. I guess that is life, facing you with the things you least expect. Anyway I am happy for you that you have a good marriage. 1
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