male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I am in such a difficult position, my current girlfriend of a year says she would marry me and we speak about everything, I am not just saying this EVERYTHING in the relationship is PERFECT apart from the sex. At the start we did it quite a lot, shes never been the type to do it multiple times a day even at the start it was probably 4 times a week maximum and she does have a 2 and a half year old son who can obviously cause stress and takes a lot of our time but again i dont mind as love them both (he isnt mine btw). Here's the problem, her ex kept walking out on her time and time again, she would basically bribe him with sex to keep him around because they had a son together but he'd still leave, shes admitted all this and said she would never be like that again as didnt enjoy it, hated the chase and just wants to be secure and happy which she gets from being with me. But... we don't really have sex or not as much as id like. id say we fumble and have sex probably 2 or 3 at a maximum times a week and that includes not just sex but touching and getting each other off. When it happens she always says how amazing it is but then other day i get rejected so much it hurts my pride and makes me feel stupid, i no i should try to stop initiating but i love her and feel its my way of showing her what she means to me, ive kissed her neck for ages and once she starts to get turned on she will normally say 'no stop its getting me going' ive asked her 'if its gets you going and you like it why stop?' to which she says 'i dont no why, sometimes im just tired and dont want it everyday like you do' feel im being a pestering jerk and hurting her by keep making moves, ive tried to not make a move for days and even when im turned on and she rejects me ive remained calm and said 'ok we dont have to ' and still gets knowhere. I no sex isnt everything and dont want to break up but last night we had yet another talk about sex and she said how she cant enjoy it with me because we analyise it loads and never stop talking about it, she wants to WANT it with me and not feel she HAS to give it me. this broke my heart, made me feel id been selfish. i dont want to break up but we havent spoke since and looks like it could be the end, i dont want it to end over sex but i dont no what to do. i want it and she doesnt seem to love the person i am because im affectionate. I cant stop thinking how she did it loads with the ex even though she says it was for the wrong reasons i still imagine she enjoyed it because she does when we do it but with me, to hear a girl you love say she basically doesnt enjoy it with me anymore i dont no what to do. its been an ongoing problem for months and caused so many arguments, i can not initiate for ages and then she will say how much she wants me and it happens, then 3 days later ill want it again and im just sat waiting. shes said 'i promise if you relax more youd get more' but i have honestly tried but always feel frustrated. what can i do about this? hate admitting it but ive even done things myself before i meet her to stop the urge, feel a pest but never wanted anyone so badly, with my other ex we'd sometimes go weeks without sex and it didnt bother me, within 3 days with my new girlfriend im wanting it badly to a point where it hurts and i dont think the thoughts of what she did for her ex will ever leave my head until i got the same.
central Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 The old saying is that sex is less than 5% of a relationship - unless you're not getting enough, then it's 90%, and all a problem. Mismatched libidos is one of the biggest relationship killers there is. You can't make a low drive person want more sex, and you can't want less. You're both "wired" the way you are unless there is a physical or psychological cause that can be detected and corrected (and that assumes the person wants to find out and deal with it - many don't). My first marriage was like this, and it slowly destroyed the relationship and any love we had for each other. I had to divorce her - and it was worth doing so just to get rid of the frustration! There are a couple things you can try. Read "No More Mister Nice Guy" (search for a free pdf download). Search for articles on "fixing mismatched sex drive" or similar. Some offer suggestions, but most make it pretty clear that there's usually little you can do about this. Most likely you'll either have to accept her the way she is or break up.
Andy_K Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I am in such a difficult position, my current girlfriend of a year says she would marry me and we speak about everything, I am not just saying this EVERYTHING in the relationship is PERFECT apart from the sex. That's a bit like saying 'my car is perfect except it sometimes won't start'. I don't honestly believe there is any fix for a libido mismatch, and I'm well aware of how it feels to be in your position and feel rejected. Ultimately you need to either accept that this is the way it will always be, or break up with her. I would choose the latter option, but your values may differ.
Smilecharmer Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 First of all, she is broken from her last relationship and nothing you can or cannot do will fix her. She sees sex as a chore or a bargaining chip, not as intimacy shared with someone she loves therefore, it will only dwindle away more because of the bad connotations she has with it. The fact that she doesn't worry about you leaving so you don't get sex makes me think you are rebound settling security guy. In other words, you don't require any effort on her part and you take care of her and her child so she is settling for safety so you can provide for them. This isn't healthy or good for you. Secondly, you may not feel it will effect your feelings for her but you will eventually resent it. Sex is one of the primary ways men express themselves emotionally so for her to not want it equally to you means you will always feel rejected. One day the rejection will over ride any emotions because being rejected over and over again is paralyzingly to feelings. 1
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 First of all, she is broken from her last relationship and nothing you can or cannot do will fix her. She sees sex as a chore or a bargaining chip, not as intimacy shared with someone she loves therefore, it will only dwindle away more because of the bad connotations she has with it. The fact that she doesn't worry about you leaving so you don't get sex makes me think you are rebound settling security guy. In other words, you don't require any effort on her part and you take care of her and her child so she is settling for safety so you can provide for them. This isn't healthy or good for you. Secondly, you may not feel it will effect your feelings for her but you will eventually resent it. Sex is one of the primary ways men express themselves emotionally so for her to not want it equally to you means you will always feel rejected. One day the rejection will over ride any emotions because being rejected over and over again is paralyzingly to feelings. I try to be understanding but know deep down that being rejected completley ruins everything for me, its selfish but in my head i keep thinking why cant she just do something for 5 mins and then id give her 24 hours of everything else? sounds selfish but i help so much around the house, look after the child, ive even massaged her for well over an hour with nothing but a feather with the lights off because thats how she wanted it as shes shy but ive got to be honest i got nothing from that because couldnt see anything going on and i was basically waving some object around for an hour, she loved it but i NEVER get the same back, she has never said 'todays about you' and done things for me and it kills me. ive tried to reject her and when shes tried to hug me ive said 'not today babe' and tried all that to see if that works and tbh that just makes it worse because then she tells me shes anxious and feels im upset with her and that makes her back off even more or even worse she will try to end the relationship out of fear that ill do it first. Its such hard work and i dont want to end this relationship but feel im always fighting a losing battle. shes so sweet but she just wont accept that anything needs to change
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 The last thing she said to me was 'If you can relax i promise we'd do it more but i dont want to keep talking about it just let it happen, let me make a move on you but if you cant accept how i am then we have to leave' that annoys me for 2 reasons: 1. she did whatever it took to stay with her ex but will happily see me leave and 2. this is basically saying my wants and needs dont matter as we can only have sex when she wants too, the rest of the time whenever my body decides i want sex i cant do nothing about it 2
Smilecharmer Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 (edited) I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are being used. Her behavior suggests to me that she cares very little how you feel and if you think nothing will change and you are starting to do manipulative things like withhold hugs then it is changing you as a person. Listen I know it seem a like you love each other but love is about being equal and giving in the relationship and you two aren't. She gets everything and you get very little. It is lopsided. She likes your dependability and the fact that you care so much for her that you do everything for her. This isn't fair and she is being incredibly selfish. Equality in a relationship is a must. You are becoming resentful because what she is doing isn't fair. In a healthy relationship both people get their needs met and one doesn't become the caregiver to the other. You have basically became her friend, because without sex and intimacy, the rest is friendship. This friendship is so new that the fact you are losing sex already says loads about the dynamics of your relationship. You are rebound guy, take care of me and my kid guy, friendship guy, safety guy and most horrendous of all, security guy until I find someone I am passionate about enough to want to make love with and won't reject. You are being played, IMO. Edited August 14, 2014 by Smilecharmer 3
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 (edited) I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you are being used. Her behavior suggests to me that she cares very little how you feel and if you think nothing will change and you are starting to do manipulative things like withhold hugs then it is changing you as a person. Listen I know it seem a like you love each other but love is about being equal and giving in the relationship and you two aren't. She gets everything and you get very little. It is lopsided. She likes your dependability and the fact that you care so much for her that you do everything for her. This isn't fair and she is being incredibly selfish. Equality in a relationship is a must. You are becoming resentful because what she is doing isn't fair. In a healthy relationship both people get their needs met and one doesn't become the caregiver to the other. You have basically became her friend, because without sex and intimacy, the rest is friendship. This friendship is so new that the fact you are losing sex already says loads about the dynamics of your relationship. You are rebound guy, take care of me and my kid guy, friendship guy, safety guy and most horrendous of all, security guy until I find someone I am passionate about enough to want to make love with and won't reject. You are being played, IMO. The hard part is though if im being used surely she wouldnt offer me ANYTHING not just sex but NOTHING, yet she has plans but will cancel them to do my things, the other day she needed something but i needed some new clothes so she came shopping and did MY things. She will cook meals for me and if i leave clothes at hers she will clean then and when i get there shes washed and ironed them for me without me even asking. She will come car shopping or whatever for me, she takes a massive interest in my work and helps where she can. Shes honest about everything with me and does little cute things that mean a lot. We went on holiday and even though she didnt have the money she saved and saved to make sure she could go because wanted to pay half with me, she hates and i mean hates giving bjs whether thats just to me or everyone she hates it yet she has tried about 3 times in the past month to do this when ive just got out the shower and things, i can see she is trying and i do appreciate the answers but dont like how everyones first instanct is to say 'shes not into you youre being used' because im not being used in any way apart from she doesnt want sex as much. Maybe her past relationship hurt and maybe she is just refusing to be that person who'll do anything again to keep someone because she values herself more or maybe she just doesnt like sex with me but i dont feel shes using me at all. I hate how easily she lets me go, i am confused to hell but i just dont feel like im being used at all. I stated at the start everything is perfect in the relationship its just the sex that isnt equal. Edited August 14, 2014 by male1432
giblesp Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 The last thing she said to me was 'If you can relax i promise we'd do it more but i dont want to keep talking about it just let it happen, let me make a move on you but if you cant accept how i am then we have to leave' that annoys me for 2 reasons: 1. she did whatever it took to stay with her ex but will happily see me leave and 2. this is basically saying my wants and needs dont matter as we can only have sex when she wants too, the rest of the time whenever my body decides i want sex i cant do nothing about it It sounds like she was in a destructive relationship before you met her. Has she taken any steps to heal her past? Its her past that is affecting her intimacy with you. She's told you what you have to do, and I'd agree with only one of the suggestions she's made. Relax. Women love it when a man is relaxed to the point of, 'I love this woman but if its not meant to be, I'll be perfectly ok.' Whats your main aim in life anyway? If its your relationship it wont work out. Saying that, she also has to take steps to fix her past. I've been in the same situation and am dealing with it. I know how it feels. Relaxing and detaching from the situation, looking after myself has helped. Taking space also.
Smilecharmer Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Are you financially supporting her and her child? Do you babysit for her? Has she said that she loves you? Has she tried to get any kind of mental health help for her past relationship?
isisisweeping Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I don't think you are being used, but all you can do is talk to her. 2-3 times a week does not sound like it's something you're doing- I would think it would be less from that, but maybe you guys can work out how to make it increase. What could make sex more interesting for her? I know some of my friends did that sex every day for a month thing and reported that it INCREASED their desire going forward rather than waning it. Discuss that the physical intimacy is part of shared intimacy. I'm sorry because I know it's hard. I'm more of a 1+ times every day sort of girl, and two of my exes had a lower drive and it did have me even now less willing to make the first move for the rejection, and it always felt like it was missing when we'd only have sex a couple times a week at heavy periods --- usually much less.
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 It sounds like she was in a destructive relationship before you met her. Has she taken any steps to heal her past? Its her past that is affecting her intimacy with you. She's told you what you have to do, and I'd agree with only one of the suggestions she's made. Relax. Women love it when a man is relaxed to the point of, 'I love this woman but if its not meant to be, I'll be perfectly ok.' Whats your main aim in life anyway? If its your relationship it wont work out. Saying that, she also has to take steps to fix her past. I've been in the same situation and am dealing with it. I know how it feels. Relaxing and detaching from the situation, looking after myself has helped. Taking space also. Hi she has taken councelling to try to heal her past, it was a horrible relationship and the obvious problem now is because hes the dad hes STILL always messing her about, he will agree to see the child once a week then doesnt turn up or messes her about with payments its all stress and comes into our relationship. I dont feel shes using me at all i want to be there for her but also want my needs met slightly too. Its such a difficult position. No i dont value the relaionship as the biggest thing in my life, its huge and i love her but i also go out with friends every week and work evenings sometimes in a part time job meaning she can miss me and i miss her. We see each other 3 times a week or so. I feel horrible because shes told me so much and does admit that she finds it difficult to be vulnerable, if any sign of me being fed up crops up shes goes massivley insecure asking me whats wrong, and eventually sometimes she will take it as far as to end us and tell me to leave only to make up a day or so later when she tells me that she never wanted me to leave she just did it before i left her. Ive tried to explain that being that defensive doesnt get her anywhere because i wont leave her like he did but nothing seems to work. Soon as she gets anxious about us for any reason the sex goes and everything else goes and she becomes defensive.
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 I don't think you are being used, but all you can do is talk to her. 2-3 times a week does not sound like it's something you're doing- I would think it would be less from that, but maybe you guys can work out how to make it increase. What could make sex more interesting for her? I know some of my friends did that sex every day for a month thing and reported that it INCREASED their desire going forward rather than waning it. Discuss that the physical intimacy is part of shared intimacy. I'm sorry because I know it's hard. I'm more of a 1+ times every day sort of girl, and two of my exes had a lower drive and it did have me even now less willing to make the first move for the rejection, and it always felt like it was missing when we'd only have sex a couple times a week at heavy periods --- usually much less. Its hard because ive always been a confident guy but when i get rejected so often its starting to make even me anxious, if shes out and im in her bed and shes on her way back ill text her flirting that im in bed waiting and then i get anxious and feel horrible because feel im pressuring again. Its making it so hard, when we spoke she tried to talk to me but all i heard was that she didnt want sex with me because i wanted it she wanted to want me.
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Are you financially supporting her and her child? Do you babysit for her? Has she said that she loves you? Has she tried to get any kind of mental health help for her past relationship? Hi, yes she has had councelling but it ended about 2 months into our relationship because she was so happy to have found me, i cant be a rebound as much because when we got together she'd already seen another guy after the ex and the ex was a good 9 months before us even dating. Also i dont support her financially shes got her own house which she has offered to me if and when we decided to live together so i know she isnt using me if shes prepared to let me into her house.
Sweetnothing Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 This girl clearly does not care if you stay or go. My guess is she figures you won't actually leave her. You can manipulate her by threatening to leave like her ex did or you can man up and just leave. 1
isisisweeping Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Its hard because ive always been a confident guy but when i get rejected so often its starting to make even me anxious, if shes out and im in her bed and shes on her way back ill text her flirting that im in bed waiting and then i get anxious and feel horrible because feel im pressuring again. Its making it so hard, when we spoke she tried to talk to me but all i heard was that she didnt want sex with me because i wanted it she wanted to want me. You have to have a conversation and decide what you can handle. What IS she willing to do to improve things? What can YOU do to improve things? The trying to flirt is nice. How does she respond? Having stayed anyways, it does not get better on its own. If anything it will diminish more.
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 You have to have a conversation and decide what you can handle. What IS she willing to do to improve things? What can YOU do to improve things? The trying to flirt is nice. How does she respond? Having stayed anyways, it does not get better on its own. If anything it will diminish more. Ive tried to say what i wanted and she said she'd try, then a few days later i can tell shes trying because she will try new things but it then feels forced. Suppose answering my own question i have to either accept she isnt that way with me no matter how she was in the past ive got to accept with ME its always going to be this way so just accept it and leave it up to her to initiate or i have to finally man up and leave for good
giblesp Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Hi she has taken councelling to try to heal her past, it was a horrible relationship and the obvious problem now is because hes the dad hes STILL always messing her about, he will agree to see the child once a week then doesnt turn up or messes her about with payments its all stress and comes into our relationship. I dont feel shes using me at all i want to be there for her but also want my needs met slightly too. Its such a difficult position. No i dont value the relaionship as the biggest thing in my life, its huge and i love her but i also go out with friends every week and work evenings sometimes in a part time job meaning she can miss me and i miss her. We see each other 3 times a week or so. I feel horrible because shes told me so much and does admit that she finds it difficult to be vulnerable, if any sign of me being fed up crops up shes goes massivley insecure asking me whats wrong, and eventually sometimes she will take it as far as to end us and tell me to leave only to make up a day or so later when she tells me that she never wanted me to leave she just did it before i left her. Ive tried to explain that being that defensive doesnt get her anywhere because i wont leave her like he did but nothing seems to work. Soon as she gets anxious about us for any reason the sex goes and everything else goes and she becomes defensive. Sounds like she's in a tough place, especially with her ex being an a**hole to his own child. From what you've said it sounds like you are fully there for her. If you can honestly see yourself as the man for this woman, and good step dad to her child, then stick around and give it a shot. Forget about the sex thing and let it happen when it happens. Sex reflects whats happening in the relationship. Sounds like she hasn't fully 'let you in' yet, and that's understandable given her recent history. She has emotional and sexual injuries. No wonder her libido is affected. For her to 'let you in' completely might mean a full commitment on your part, something that gos beyond just dating. If you're feeling it then let her know, reassure her that you are there and you're NEVER GOING TO DO WHAT HER EX DID. Then step back and see what happens without any expectations.
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Sounds like she's in a tough place, especially with her ex being an a**hole to his own child. From what you've said it sounds like you are fully there for her. If you can honestly see yourself as the man for this woman, and good step dad to her child, then stick around and give it a shot. Forget about the sex thing and let it happen when it happens. Sex reflects whats happening in the relationship. Sounds like she hasn't fully 'let you in' yet, and that's understandable given her recent history. She has emotional and sexual injuries. No wonder her libido is affected. For her to 'let you in' completely might mean a full commitment on your part, something that gos beyond just dating. If you're feeling it then let her know, reassure her that you are there and you're NEVER GOING TO DO WHAT HER EX DID. Then step back and see what happens without any expectations. I want to do this but also for my own sake because we havent spoken since yesterdays talk when she basically gave me the ultimatum to leave or stay and accept it i feel i should hold fire and see if she actuall contacts me again so ill no she does want to be with me and isnt happy to see me leave or is that a childish game? im 30 and feel like im acting a bit like a kid
Grumpybutfun Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Someone who loves you and wants a future with you will work together to find a solution or compromise, not tell you to accept it or leave. She gave you an ultimatum. You have two choices. Sex isn't the issue here. Her unwillingness to meet you halfway is. I would find someone who wants to invest and negotiate challenges, not someone who lives in her past and tells me to accept low intimacy or leave. 4
isisisweeping Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Ive tried to say what i wanted and she said she'd try, then a few days later i can tell shes trying because she will try new things but it then feels forced. Suppose answering my own question i have to either accept she isnt that way with me no matter how she was in the past ive got to accept with ME its always going to be this way so just accept it and leave it up to her to initiate or i have to finally man up and leave for good It would have been forced with her ex, too. Not that you should be so concerned with what happened in any previous relationship in a comparison type of way. But, she did it not to lose him. That's not true interest or enjoying. It's desperation.
Grumpybutfun Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Accidentally posted before finishing.... If she has little interest in sex, you just aren't compatible. Her past is hers to deal with, not to take out on you. Good luck, Grumps 1
Author male1432 Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 I feel a big part of me keeps saying after shes said accept it or leave that i should say 'ok accept i want sex a lot or leave' i know she'd leave, feel the ultimatum is slightly unfair that she gave me here. Shes willing to leave rather than find any compromise
Smilecharmer Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I feel a big part of me keeps saying after shes said accept it or leave that i should say 'ok accept i want sex a lot or leave' i know she'd leave, feel the ultimatum is slightly unfair that she gave me here. Shes willing to leave rather than find any compromise Then you have your answer. She isn't as into you as you are her. Grumpybutfun is right. It really is about being able to compromise and work with each other in relationships. I'm sorry but I think if you want sex more than she is willing to do it, then you either accept or leave. Another strategy would be getting her back in counseling and then signing up for couples counseling if she is willing. It teaches you both how to communicate better.
preraph Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 With her ex, she felt like she was prostituting herself just to survive because now she has not just herself but a child to think of. No woman should have to feel like they must barter sex to get along with someone! I doubt very much she actually enjoyed it all the time with her ex and I doubt very much she enjoys it all the time with you. You are wanting sex too much and it seems to me you need to "practice alone" a lot more and stop putting pressure on her. I can assure you that lots of women with two-year-olds are too exhausted and frustrated from having to focus constant attention on their child that the last thing they need is a man acting like a child because they're not in sex mode. Very few women will want it as often as you do and the ones that do won't want it that often after the new wears off. You are also using sex to just gauge how much she likes you, and that is not fair. She doesn't owe you sex to prove she likes you. The next couple of years she's going to have her hands full with that child. I certainly hope you two are using birth control because clearly young kids are not conducive to sexy time. It's not even all about time. It's about having to be locked in and focused on their every need. You can get yourself off and then let her join in when she feels up to it and then she will enjoy sex. She can't enjoy it if the only reason she's doing it is to keep you from pouting. Doing what she did trying to fix that past relationship made her feel like a prostitute and she learned her lesson from it. You want a chance for her to relax more and get more in a couples mindset? Hire her a daily housekeeper and/or nanny. 2
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