needy vs being "nice" to try to woo you

[Chowmian]

Hi People

 

I was just reading some random magazine and an article about guys getting put into the friendzone came up so i wanted to start a thread to let people share some thoughts

 

what do you guys constitute as being needy, and what is being "nice" to try to woo the girl/guy of your dreams.

 

E.g., for myself i once drove a girl i was attracted to 30km to the airport for her flight at night (which was the opposite direction of my own home) just to see her and say bye. Needy or friendly?

 

please do share your other ideas, both guys and girls :cool:

[Supernatural]

Hi People

 

I was just reading some random magazine and an article about guys getting put into the friendzone came up so i wanted to start a thread to let people share some thoughts

 

what do you guys constitute as being needy, and what is being "nice" to try to woo the girl/guy of your dreams.

 

E.g., for myself i once drove a girl i was attracted to 30km to the airport for her flight at night (which was the opposite direction of my own home) just to see her and say bye. Needy or friendly?

 

please do share your other ideas, both guys and girls :cool:

 

 

I wouldn't say you were needy by driving her. It sounds like you just cared. I love doing things for women I like. Then again, I think everything is romantic with a girl I like.

[Moonborn]

I don't think single actions define being needy vs being nice. In your case, I would say that was just being nice per se, but it could become needy if you were doing other things out of proportion to woo her.

 

On a side note, in my experience just being nice is not going to get girls fall over feet for you. To avoid the friendzone it is vital to make your intentions clear from the beginning. If you start out as a friend you are very likely to stay a friend (unless she is really into you to begin with).

[Supernatural]

Ya.. Can't be a nice guy and always think about what's 'right'. The guy who gets the girl is the one who lays it all on the line with confidence. Goes in for the kiss, says how they feel.

Being nice, is what mom wants of us men. But it becomes boring, and really frustrating after years of being a loser with women. Eventually you wake up one day, and say F**K it. I'm walking over to that other side as I type now...

[todreaminblue]

i once had a guy put his head in my lap on his knees and ask me to stay..another guy threatened to jump off a roof if i left him.i have never in my life felt worse than those times ....and trapped............because i am the woman who is there for people who need me ill stay when others wouldnt...yes i stayed with teh guy who threatened to jump off the roof ..for longer than i would have....at the moment i have fifteen magpies on my front door step wanting food..... my next door neighbours children are wearing bike helmets.........thats needy...tangent......

 

 

i think where you make someone feel uncomfortable and wanting to maintain distance is when it crosses from being nice to needy for this reason i am not needy in a relationship i dont blow the phone up wanting constant reassurance i am actually the opposite.....i am respectful of privacy and personal space and ill still be friendly and nice on dates....but i dont step over....and there is a line..i normally know if someone is uncomfortable and if i do that.....it plays with me...because i know what it feels like and there isnt a worse feeling than feeling trapped..it certainly doesnt turn me on but kicks in my maternal side......i shouldnt date soemone i see as a child......deb

[Chowmian]

thanks for the quick feedbacks guys,

i wasn't exactly wondering about my position per se, jsut thought i'd start off with an example and would be cool hear more and similar stories about other people that are in the same situation (wondering if being needy or being "nice")

cheers!

[Assasda]

Being needy I'll define it.

 

Being needy is putting undue pressure on a woman, because the outcome will be in your favor.

Being clingy is Wanting to be with a person forever, like you were one entity.

 

Needy behavior is like getting mad when you want a kiss. Buying a woman gifts in hope that she'll give you affection. Becoming jealous of the woman's friends, stuff like that.

 

 

OP your situation could have been needy. You might have thought driving her to the airport was going to get you somewhere. It didnt, by the sound of it

[fred123]

I don't think single actions define being needy vs being nice. In your case, I would say that was just being nice per se, but it could become needy if you were doing other things out of proportion to woo her.

 

On a side note, in my experience just being nice is not going to get girls fall over feet for you. To avoid the friendzone it is vital to make your intentions clear from the beginning. If you start out as a friend you are very likely to stay a friend (unless she is really into you to begin with).

 

thats rubbish. i made my intentions clear from the beginning and got played. i ended in the friendzone.

 

how is that possible?!!

[Els]

 

E.g., for myself i once drove a girl i was attracted to 30km to the airport for her flight at night (which was the opposite direction of my own home) just to see her and say bye. Needy or friendly?

 

Sounds like a nice gesture to me. My definition of 'needy' would be what an awful guy who once had a crush on me did - he texted me every hour and got his panties all in a bunch if I let a few texts go by without answering...

 

That being said your actions don't necessarily guarantee that she will be attracted to you. As long as you aren't expecting a definite 'reward' for doing what you did, it sounds perfectly fine to me.

[xxmusical]

I think that was a nice thing you did, driving her to the airport, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it no matter she has feelings for you or not.

 

To me, needy would be constant calling/texting, bombarding you with "why aren't you replying me?" messages. Needy would be pushing boundaries to the point where the girl feels uncomfortable being around you.

 

I feel that if a girl is genuinely attracted to you, whatever you do would seem "nice" instead of "needy".

 

But...what does being needy or nice have to do with your "friendzone" article lol?

[fred123]

I think that was a nice thing you did, driving her to the airport, and I'm sure she'll appreciate it no matter she has feelings for you or not.

 

To me, needy would be constant calling/texting, bombarding you with "why aren't you replying me?" messages. Needy would be pushing boundaries to the point where the girl feels uncomfortable being around you.

 

I feel that if a girl is genuinely attracted to you, whatever you do would seem "nice" instead of "needy".

 

But...what does being needy or nice have to do with your "friendzone" article lol?

you can text a girl hundred times a day and its not needy if they reply back and like you

[Moonborn]

thats rubbish. i made my intentions clear from the beginning and got played. i ended in the friendzone.

 

how is that possible?!!

 

I didn't say that making your intentions clear grants you the girl. I said that it if you don't do that you are almost sure to get friendzoned.

 

Sometimes a girl just doesn't like you that way, and in that case there is nothing you can do to change her mind. If you got played, it's up to you to learn from the experience and avoid falling for it next time. That's part of life too.

[MGX]

thats rubbish. i made my intentions clear from the beginning and got played. i ended in the friendzone.

 

how is that possible?!!

 

Sometimes even THAT doesn't work if she wasn't attracted to you.

 

But tell me, did she lead you on?

[Sweetnothing]

I wouldn't call someone I was interested in dating for a ride to the airport. I would call my friend or my boyfriend (if I had one).

 

It's unfair, yes. She used you. It's very hard not to be nice when you're naturally a nice person who likes to do favors for everyone, but unfortunately you must be wary with your love interests. You can say no without being mean.

[isisisweeping]

To me needy something entirely different from nice or even Nice. Needy is getting upset about not immediate responses, sending a lot of texts before one can be replied to in the course of a short period time (As in, I finish my workout and realize I have 6 new texts from one person) and sounding pouty about it. This is a turn off. I have a slightly higher threshold for this than some but it will get to me, especially early on if it's clear the interest is less about me and more that I'm one of the category of ANYBODY paying them attention, or later if it's obvious that they distrust me.

 

 

Nice is doing nice tings without thinking it's a magical coin to get me to drop my panties. This will increase my interest. I like nice. I love nice. If I'm borderline, being truly nice will make me give it another look.

I'm nice, too. I will go out of my way for people, even people I don't know very well. I have been told by friends I need to be more of a b*tch and not do these things, but whatever. It's who I am and I really want someone who is the same. If someone doesn't like me because I'm nice to them (and my being nice to them has nothing to do with making them like me, simply who I am and who I want to be) then it's not me who is losing out.

 

 

NiceTM - if they are only being nice to me because they want to sleep with me, and they think niceness is a currency and are actually not nice people in general to friends and strangers, that is a definite turn off. It implies they think I'm an object to be attained verse a real functioning multifaceted person.

[d0nnivain]

Nice people do something to please the other person. Needy people do stuff to please themselves.

 

A nice person calls to chat because they want to keep the interest level up. A needy person calls because they assume if you aren't talking to them you are talking to someone else & they are insecure.

 

When DH & I were 1st dating, I had already planned a co-ed weekend down the shore with a group of friends. It was platonic but I still wasn't prepared to invite my new BF because the sleeping arrangements would have been too awkward. I was already sharing a bedroom with another woman. Anyway, he drove two hours 1 way to take me out to dinner that Saturday night. I thought that was nice. He wasn't needy because he wasn't blowing up my phone while we were apart freaking about what / who I was doing.

 

Similarly, I had also booked a cruise over New Years before I met him. The ship was sold out by the time we were intimate so even if I wanted, he couldn't go. I also couldn't walk away from all that money. We kept in touch while I was away -- an e-mail a day & a few calls when I had cell service. When I got home he gave me a bag of Hershey's kisses for all the kisses we missed while I was away. Again, nice, not needy

[fred123]

Nice people do something to please the other person. Needy people do stuff to please themselves.

 

A nice person calls to chat because they want to keep the interest level up. A needy person calls because they assume if you aren't talking to them you are talking to someone else & they are insecure.

 

When DH & I were 1st dating, I had already planned a co-ed weekend down the shore with a group of friends. It was platonic but I still wasn't prepared to invite my new BF because the sleeping arrangements would have been too awkward. I was already sharing a bedroom with another woman. Anyway, he drove two hours 1 way to take me out to dinner that Saturday night. I thought that was nice. He wasn't needy because he wasn't blowing up my phone while we were apart freaking about what / who I was doing.

 

Similarly, I had also booked a cruise over New Years before I met him. The ship was sold out by the time we were intimate so even if I wanted, he couldn't go. I also couldn't walk away from all that money. We kept in touch while I was away -- an e-mail a day & a few calls when I had cell service. When I got home he gave me a bag of Hershey's kisses for all the kisses we missed while I was away. Again, nice, not needy

 

no ur wrong. its nice cos u likw him more than a friend. if a guy drove 2 hours for a girl and she wasnt that into him you canbbet your bottom dollar she will be laughing about it to her friends saying what a loser/needy guy

[d0nnivain]

no ur wrong. its nice cos u likw him more than a friend. if a guy drove 2 hours for a girl and she wasnt that into him you canbbet your bottom dollar she will be laughing about it to her friends saying what a loser/needy guy

 

 

 

English not text speak, please.

 

 

Anyway, a quality woman would not let a guy drive all that way if she didn't want to see him. And you are right that if after being told not to do that, a needy guy did it anyway, the women would be laughing about it.

 

 

It's about crossing boundaries. Putting the offer out there is nice. Being told NO & doing it anyway is needy, clingy & bad.

[fred123]

English not text speak, please.

 

 

Anyway, a quality woman would not let a guy drive all that way if she didn't want to see him.

 

what you mean by this? can you elaborate?

[d0nnivain]

Anyway, a quality woman would not let a guy drive all that way if she didn't want to see him.

 

what you mean by this? can you elaborate?

 

In the case of my now husband if I had been luke warm about him, when he offered to drive two hours to take me to dinner while I was away with friends I would have done everything in my power to discourage him.

 

I would have said, thanks for the offer but it's too much trouble. The traffic is too bad. You don't understand what you're getting yourself into. There's no need for you to be inconvenienced just because I made these plans before I met you. I really want to spend this time with my friends and I don't want to split my attention between you and them. We can get together for coffee when I get back. Go out & enjoy your Saturday night & I'll call you when I get home.

 

Had he insisted I would have been a bit more brutal about it & said, no, you're not hearing me. Do NOT come here.

 

Plus I would not have told him where exactly I was.

 

Any woman who would let a man make the grand gesture of driving 4 hours round trip even though she wouldn't be thrilled to see him is a user who is just in it to see if she can command that kind of attention. To use somebody like that is mean; it's not the mark of a quality person.

[fred123]

In the case of my now husband if I had been luke warm about him, when he offered to drive two hours to take me to dinner while I was away with friends I would have done everything in my power to discourage him.

 

I would have said, thanks for the offer but it's too much trouble. The traffic is too bad. You don't understand what you're getting yourself into. There's no need for you to be inconvenienced just because I made these plans before I met you. I really want to spend this time with my friends and I don't want to split my attention between you and them. We can get together for coffee when I get back. Go out & enjoy your Saturday night & I'll call you when I get home.

 

Had he insisted I would have been a bit more brutal about it & said, no, you're not hearing me. Do NOT come here.

 

Plus I would not have told him where exactly I was.

 

Any woman who would let a man make the grand gesture of driving 4 hours round trip even though she wouldn't be thrilled to see him is a user who is just in it to see if she can command that kind of attention. To use somebody like that is mean; it's not the mark of a quality person.

 

i had travelled 2 hours to london to see this girl who was flying in with her friend. i had taken a day off work and csncelles my xmas work party that weekend so i cud travel to london and spend time with her. i even said if it was ok to crash at her hotel room with her friend due to logistics and that i didnt wqnt her to think i wanted to sleep with her. (i was trying to be agentleman)

 

i even bought tickets to london eye, winter wonderland, theatre musical, and a tour of london and had prebooked a romantic restaursnt in london for us.

[d0nnivain]

OK but did she ever tell you not to do those things? If she said NO & you did them anyway, you are need & clingy.

 

If she let you come presumably she wanted you there & at the time was happy to see you.

 

If this is the same woman from your other thread where you are trying to figure out the long distance thing & you think you got friend zoned, I don't think that is what happened.

 

You are a nice guy who appears willing to be generous with your time & your money to those you date. She may not have appreciated it. In hindsight you probably should not have cancelled your Christmas work party but I do suspect that she most likely simply decided that an LDR isn't for her.

[MissBee]

I find that people overuse and misuse the term needy. Needy usually has to do with being in constant need of attention and reassurance or lacking in independence to where it becomes a strain on other people because you rely on them too much for self worth, assurance, attention etc.

 

That's what being needy is.

 

Going out of your way to do something nice for someone may not be needy....maybe in some instances it could be classed as being a pushover or doormat but not needy.

 

I don't think what you did was needy or being a pushover or desperate. It was a nice thing to do...so long as you're not constantly allowing someone to take advantage of you because you like them and so long as you aren't one of those self-proclaimed, chip on the shoulder "nice guys" who do things for women, esp things they volunteer to do, with hopes that they can cash it in later for sexual or romantic favors then get all indignant if after they do all these "nice" things the woman thanks them but not with her body or a relationship.

[fred123]

OK but did she ever tell you not to do those things? If she said NO & you did them anyway, you are need & clingy.

 

If she let you come presumably she wanted you there & at the time was happy to see you.

 

If this is the same woman from your other thread where you are trying to figure out the long distance thing & you think you got friend zoned, I don't think that is what happened.

 

You are a nice guy who appears willing to be generous with your time & your money to those you date. She may not have appreciated it. In hindsight you probably should not have cancelled your Christmas work party but I do suspect that she most likely simply decided that an LDR isn't for her.

 

it is the same girl.

i told her i cancelles my xmas work party and she said ur so sweet to me. i said you would do the same for me im sure. she said of course i would. then she said you make me happy fred123.

[Els]

I don't think what you did was needy or being a pushover or desperate. It was a nice thing to do...so long as you're not constantly allowing someone to take advantage of you because you like them and so long as you aren't one of those self-proclaimed, chip on the shoulder "nice guys" who do things for women, esp things they volunteer to do, with hopes that they can cash it in later for sexual or romantic favors then get all indignant if after they do all these "nice" things the woman thanks them but not with her body or a relationship.

 

Yep, this. This is what annoys me the most about 'nice guys'. If you're genuinely doing it as a nice gesture without feeling entitled to anything 'in return' then it's all good.