He broke up with me for good. I am totally lost.

[hellischrome]

I haven't posted for a few months, my story is a bit long and complicated but it deserves some background... I moved 14000 miles from home 2 years and a half ago, I was in a relationship back then (7 years). We started doing long distance for about 8 months, then I cheated and got with a friend I made here, he left his ex (9 years) to be with me and we started our relationship.

 

Things have been rocky since the beginning - his ex was the classic elephant in the room, I wasn't sure either, things got more and more difficult and we argued every single day for 6 months - after that we broke up and got back together a couple of times - once he broke up with me and disappeared for 3 weeks, he reappeared after 3 weeks stating his mind was now clear and just wanted to be with me. This was exactly one year ago. We got back together September 2013, things went OK for two weeks, then a nightmare again. After a few months he admitted he didn't love me, he was waiting to see that feeling growing but the unlimited arguments couldn't make him love me. Arguments, lies, bad times.

 

We also had good moments too and the good moments were incredibly good and that's what kept us going. A few weeks ago he said again he was in love with me - but no love yet, he wanted me to be quiet and calm for some time before being able to feel love. But things were better than last year... Until yesterday. We started off in a stupid way, I asked him why doesn't he post a profile picture of us with me (on a famous messaging app), after a while it comes out that he doesn't want to upset his ex girlfriend (they are still in contact). Yesterday I went to his place saying I needed a few things and then started packing, he went totally crazy. He said he's done, he can't take my ****e anymore, he can't live like this and I am not able to make him spend two quiet days in a row.

 

I've been suffering depression during the last months - he knows and stuck by, until yesterday. He said he can't solve my problems (true), and that he can be my friend if I need a friend but not my boyfriend anymore. I know him well enough to say that he won't come back this time, he is exhausted and he is probably right.

 

That's pretty much it. I'm lost. In 2 hours I will have a meeting with my boss, I will ask her to go back home for a month (I just came back from holiday) and I know that will jeopardise my efforts and my projects and my future here (I am on a working visa strictly tied to my job). But I can't take anything anymore, I am just depressed and sad, and I feel guilty because if I weren't so crazy with jealousy he would still be with me now.

Edited August 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[OwMyEyeball]

That feeling of loss will subside. I hope you have some friends and family to whom you can turn to for support during this period of suffering you are experiencing.

 

It sounds as though this relationship was a bad addiction getting worse. You may not feel it right now, but it the longer run you are much better off staying single. As your mood improves, which it will in fits and starts, you'll have an opportunity to re-evaluate yourself, your life and what you want from it. You'll get a clean start from what sounds like has been a fairly rough ride, likely made all the more challenging by being so far from home.

 

Relationships built on broken trust (in this case for both of your ex's) have a very, very low success rate. The jealousy you feel is completely expected. After all, he cheated on his relationship of 9 years to be with you. And you ended yours of 7 to be with him. At the time that may seem almost perversely romantic - to end such long-term relationships for another person - but eventually the honeymoon period ends and you find yourself with a person who is ready and willing to leave a relationship for "something better".

 

Neither of you really trusts the other. While you may deny such feelings, repress them, they find other ways of manifesting themselves.

 

Sounds as though you had a relationship built almost entirely on passion, with not very much there for dedication. It takes both to make it stable and lasting. In a way, what makes the great times so great is the contrast to all the bad times.

 

You don't realize it now, but in time as you find yourself, which you will if you give yourself the opportunity, you're both in a better space now that you've finally ended what sounds like a toxic relationship.

 

Your jealousy was only a tiny part of the whole picture. There's a lot there from the both of you that led to the relationships' demise. These are issues of maturity, life experience and circumstance. Blame shouldn't factor into anything.

 

Best wishes.

[hellischrome]

I am so thankful for your reply - hearing someone from the outside for me is beneficial. Unfortunately I have no family here - I am considering to leave tomorrow as that's what my family suggested. I could stay home for a few weeks or a month, but that, as I said, would create me many problems on the job side. On the other hand, I really need family now. I have friends here and they are all ready to take care of me but that won't last as everyone has their own lives, and that's how it should be. And they can't be around me 24/7 as I'd need, only my family can do that.

 

I know being apart and ending a toxic relationship is the right thing to do and eventually we will both look back and think it's OK like this, but this doesn't stop me to think I should have done things better, and I often put myself first (and so he did).

 

I so want to talk to him into changing his mind but I know that he won't change his mind, and it wouldn't be right anyway.

[hellischrome]

anyone else willing to talk with me about this? Please?