heyitsmike Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 My girlfriend [20/sr. in college] and me [23/1 year out of college] dated for 15 months before we first broke up. At first my girlfriend told me her schoolwork and workload with her major would make her incapable of handling a relationship. A few days later she responds with I miss you and I hope we can work things out in the future. 4-5 days later she reaffirms with me that it’s not going to work. Later that night she texts me I miss you and I feel so alone, but she was also suffering from a terrible abdominal pain, so I offered to come over to her place to at least be ready to take her to the hospital if need be. When I arrived she immediately hugged me and we talked all night. She wanted to take things slow and try to work on getting back together. Not being completely gullible, I thought to myself maybe this would serve as a good testing ground to see if we're meant to be. Within a month she developed a depression regarding a number of things in her life [impending family death, anticipation of another tough semester, money trouble at home] and as of recently it got to the point where she just didn't love herself which prompted her to feel that "if she cant love herself, how can she love someone else?" but also during this month we've had some good times where she’s been incredibly happy, and thanked me for making her smile, and we were really happy. So a few days after a vacation we took together our communication slowly digressed until she texted me yesterday asking if we could talk later. Hours later she informs me she is going to write a letter to me in order to best express herself and organize all those feelings. In my mind I'm thinking: BREAKUP! She’s going to give you a long winded, "I cant love myself, too much going on in my life," rant about why I deserve better. For me this was like waiting for an impending death sentence. So what I did was beat her to the punch and made the rash decision to write a page-length letter of my own telling her I love her, I understand her struggles, "if you love someone you'll let them go and if its meant to be they'll come back," if you get better and want to come back let me know, and I told her to take time to learn to love yourself again and to get herself together mentally. She replied and agreed with me citing she doesn't deserve me and thanked me up and down for being such an amazing person to her and that shell love me forever. Which is where I stand now.... But the ironic part is that I want to be with her because I know how good of a person she truly is. I did this letter because the way we were operating around her depression was dragging the relationship along and I felt compelled to do something. But now im worried she’s taking this as a "goodbye for good" type of letter and not the "if you get yourself together than we can try to make things work" type of letter I intended it to be. We are meeting Monday face-to-face to see each other one last time before summer ends and she starts school (which is only 50 min away from me, and we've made that work perfectly) part of me wants to reintroduce the concept of getting back together if she gets better, but the other part of me wants to hold my ground more firmly and let her have some time to miss me (although she’s gone through this "I miss you stage" before in our break ups recently, and I worry shell stay away on purpose this time to avoid hurting me) im sorry this is longer than usual but there is a lot of mixed emotions in my head and all im looking for is some opinions and advice on what to do/say when I meet with her Monday I love her very much and want this to work. Im willing to stand by her through this process, as long as I can reassure she still loves me and wants to be with me.
Zzyxx Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I don't know dude. If I were you, I'd just try and do your own thing and let her sort herself out and then she can try and win YOU back. I only say this cause I've been there, and you know what happened when my ex stopped being depressed and learned to love herself? She kicked my ass to the curb. I was where you are. I knew that things were only temporarily rough cause her job was making her depressed. Like you, things got A LOT better when her company folded, she was happy again, things were going well, then she decides she's just going to cut out everything in her life that didn't make her happy ALL THE TIME (cause what really can?) and broke up with me via some weird outlook on life. So now she's happier than she's ever been, without me, and I have to witness it. It actually would have been a lot easier if she'd just dumped me back when she was depressed. I'm not saying this is going to happen with you, I'm just saying it's really rough to invest all that time and emotional energy into a depressed person if they are not committed or sure about you. So I'd try and get over her and if she sorts herself out and begs for you back great, but I certainly wouldn't wait around like I did.
mightycpa Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I want to be with her because I know how good of a person she truly is.I have to say, this is not really a very good reason to want to be with somebody. This board is filled with people who will tell you their ex(es) are very good people. Most of my exes were very good people... but that didn't mean we were compatible. I'm willing to bet that at your age, and only 15 months together, in school presumably, you each have little idea about what the other is like. But I will tell you this: if workload, or family crisis, or money troubles make her bail on a relationship, even temporarily, then she's not as "good" as you think. She's telling you something important about herself with this behavior, and you don't like it. Your instincts are right. Pay attention to the evidence in front of your eyes. You will be history, it is just a matter of when. 1
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