MoreCoffee Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 I'm 42 and crippled. No big deal. The demons I deal with recovering from a hardcore, pre-Vatican II, Irish-Catholic upbringing makes paralysis look like a ice cream sandwich. I live without hope - completely. My life consists of whatever distractions can keep me from every failure-filled flashback (and they are many) of my life. I have always, ALWAYS treated a gal like I wanted my two older sisters treated. That works well initially, until a more physical aspect is required. You see Catholicism encourages a Madonna/whore complex where even if you know it's there, it's so engrained it takes a lifetime to get past. I have lusted after the women I desire...until the desire is reciprocated. Where there is lust, there is no love and where there is love, there is no desire. I pray for any condition that will speed me away from this life. I have a DNR in place for when it happens. I cannot bear life's shortcomings so I don't talk to women. I don't ask their phone numbers. In passing, I look at the carpet, flooring whatever. I've been hurt so many times that living numb is preferable to experiencing joys/sorrows, ups/downs. Whatever lessons I am to understand, I'm not going to grasp them this go around, and they just don't make enough anti-depressants to make life feel fulfilled when one has no hope. So, is this some kind of suicide letter? Nope, that's a sin. I'll endure. Besides, I'm sure I'll be a hot commodity in the nursing home when whatever doesn't hurt, doesn't work. Something to look forward to. Sorry for the rant, I try hard to help people here as much as possible and not bring people down, but as I was drinking tonight, I had to rant. It's all be said before so there is no "advice," you can give me, the die is cast. Whatever comes next, oblivion, heaven, hell, lights out, it's preferable to this misery. I don't really feel like sticking around to see how this washes out, but I don't have a choice, so I endure. Thanks for listening. (exhale) I promise to continue to give others good advice, no matter how much like **** I am feeling.
Reels Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 You might be getting double minded. Since it was a sin, why you committed it from start. But that's the past, what are your plans for future?
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