Girlfriend going astray, or losing trust in our relationship?

[plastiswafers]

I met "A" 11 months ago while I was couchsurfing at her house in Atlanta. I had been engaged to my childhood sweetheart of 7 years, and had recently broken it off when I met her. We stayed up all night writing songs and talking about life. I was in love with her from the start. It felt like a movie. It was the thrill of travel, music, change, life. She was an incredible singer and I was a guitar player. Everything was new and exciting. I spent one passionately charged week with her before bussing out to California, determined to meet the rest of journey. I thought about her everyday over the next several weeks. She was all I could think about, even if I tried to engage in my new surroundings. I was in love with my life, but I just wanted to be with her. She flew out to San Francisco, and we traveled all the way back to my home state, in love and looking toward the future. We held off for weeks before "dating" because we knew the pitfalls of codependency and weren't sure if this was something long term that ought to be pursued. I didn't know if it was, but I loved being with her every day I woke up, so I just followed that short term feeling. Back at home, she joined my musical group as the singer. She moved into our house with my group of friends. We shared one room together. Flash forward to today, we have moved out of that house into our own place, and after 11 months the thrill has faded away. I'm still infatuated with her, however I feel that her exuberant, passionate personality engages a wider variety of people on a level perhaps bordering sexual and flirtacious, guised as friendliness. I'm naturally more introverted, perhaps even more so when I'm in public around her because she draws all attention in the room to her. She's started asserting herself more as a person in my home state with a new job and friends of her own. Our music group, which had recently gone on tour and been very successful has now broken up, and she's looking for new outlets to express herself. We had both already decided to pursue music, together while we can, but I realize the limitations and believe perhaps we're very incompatible to work together and realize all of each other's dreams.

 

She went over to a guy friend's house from work a couple of weeks ago at midnight. Let me state that he's 19, she is 26. I didn't inquire suspiciously, or even ask because I knew that we had been bordering on co-dependency, something we had sworn against. When we met we agreed to always have our separate lives, together. But now she's working with music with a new man, and wants to keep doing so. Given that our relationship was forged in that way, I feel self very weird about it. She told me the other day that she could see how he likes her. She swore however it was a one way street, and that I had nothing to worry about. I tried to swallow it. But I couldn't. I gave in and read her diary, where she said "what I didn't tell [me] was that I really like him [the guy]." She wrote a few other things about how she was feeling urges to cheat on me while she was there. I confronted her, not in a productive way mind you, and essentially was trying to mind **** her to scare her that I would break up with her if she continued this. So she told a half truth to be able to continue the relationship with me, and I devalued her trust by going through her stuff. She says she just thinks he's attractive, and that's okay I suppose. She says her journal is just a landfill where she can dump all of her thoughts, and not necessarily judge herself for them, just to clear the air. I can relate to that, I journal frequently. My concerns however were not validated apparently because she's now telling me two nights ago she's going to go over to his house at midnight to work on music. I feel very confused, is she going astray? Or are we just losing the trust that we built our relationship on.

 

Since this event, I've hung out around her with this guy. He was friendly toward me, and my girlfriend was affectionate and kissing me, holding me in front of him. He acknowledged our relationship. But I wouldn't say we are friends.

 

Part of me wants to give her more rope, so she wants me more. Part of me wants to tell her I'm not comfortable with her maintaining that kind of hanging-out-alone relationship with a guy that likes her, and she likes him. And has sexual thoughts about him. She says it was just a passing thing one time and she doesn't even care about him like that. I don't know what to believe.

I don't want to stifle her progress of her career because I truly love her as a human being, and I don't want to hold each other back from living fulfilled, happy lives.

 

Is this the end of the road? Or just an opportunity to rebuild trust?

 

Help

[longjohn]

She went over to a guy friend's house from work a couple of weeks ago at midnight. Let me state that he's 19, she is 26.

Out of everything I read that's the part.. if this where me in that situation where I'd be leaving. You don't just go to a male "friends" house alone at midnight? Time to find a new gf with that level of disrespect being flung at you.

[preraph]

I'm used to musicians and their rules are different but that doesn't mean they're especially conducive to monogamous relationships. She's looking for a band, sounds like, and everyone knows musicians keep late hours, so midnight is like 8 to most people. She's very young and chances are you two won't last forever because if she's serious about her music and you are too, there's always going to be competition -- not to mention, if you're both serious, the music will take priority over any romance. If you're just having fun with the music, though, and not trying to make it a career, that's different. If one of you is and one isn't, that won't work. I say enjoy her while she's there. Snooping won't keep her from leaving. Begging won't keep her from leaving.

 

You may as well leave the door wide open and then at least you know that if she's still coming home to you, she's doing it of her own free will, not because you guilted her into it or monitored her. If you leave the door open and she keeps coming home, you can stop worrying about it. Anything else you do is just going to escalate the situation to a breakup.