My relationship situation - after 1 year

August 13, 2014

Hi all,

Me and my girlfriend are both in the late 20's. We're together for one year and we love each other. This feeling is/was amazing and I enjoyed every minute of it. However, after one year and after the usual honey period has passed, things have changed a bit and I see things a bit different, more realistic.

My problem is that I'm not sure if she's the one I want to spend all my life with.

In all this year I must admit we had some fights and quite many different opinions (political, everyday life, habbits, etc.), but we love each other and passed over all these.
Her education and background is not that great and quite different than mine. I don't like that much her family and I don't have a pleasure to spend time with them. My family also doesn't like her too much and tell me that I can find someone much better for me.
Sometimes I feel she doesn't bring anything new in our relationship. She doesn't have friends (very few - and I don't really like them). Most of the time we spend alone, together. She doesn't have hobbies and I feel I have to learn her too many things that she should already know at this age. This thing makes me feel I'm not evolving as a person since we're together. I feel like instead of learning and developing myself as a person I'm teaching a child.
We love each other and she takes a lot of care of me and I think this is the only thing that keeps us together...when I think at the beautiful moments we had and that I have this amazing feeling for her.

At the same time, I want to think about my future and how good could it be next to her and I have some doubts at this moment. Funny or not this relationship is exactly opposite to the one I previously had: I had everything I wanted, friends, nice family, good financial situation, she was modern and knew a lot about technology, we could joke more, but we didn't love each other. I don't want to spend another 4-5 years in a relationship and later realize I should have ended up earlier.

Any advice? Did anybody else was in this situation?

August 13, 2014

It sounds like you don't respect her and don't really like her much at all.

Normally I think it takes more than one year to figure out if you want to spend your life with someone, for a couple reasons, like 1. The honeymoon phase usually lasts 2 years and 2. It takes longer than that to truly know someone - which is tied to #1.

However, in your situation, you've only been dating for one year, and you already don't like her. It's only going to get worse from there, IMO.

Just cut her free and you can both find people that you can love and respect and will love and respect you in return.

August 13, 2014

Why do you think you and your ex didnt love each other? x

August 13, 2014

Hi all,

My problem is that I'm not sure if she's the one I want to spend all my life with.

In all this year I must admit we had some fights and quite many different opinions (political, everyday life, habbits, etc.), but we love each other and passed over all these.
Her education and background is not that great and quite different than mine. I don't like that much her family and I don't have a pleasure to spend time with them. My family also doesn't like her too much and tell me that I can find someone much better for me.
Sometimes I feel she doesn't bring anything new in our relationship. She doesn't have friends (very few - and I don't really like them). Most of the time we spend alone, together. She doesn't have hobbies and I feel I have to learn her too many things that she should already know at this age. This thing makes me feel I'm not evolving as a person since we're together. I feel like instead of learning and developing myself as a person I'm teaching a child.
We love each other and she takes a lot of care of me and I think this is the only thing that keeps us together...when I think at the beautiful moments we had and that I have this amazing feeling for her.

Any advice? Did anybody else was in this situation?

I think you need to evaluate your "red flags" a little more closely.

People have fights in relationships. Be encouraged that you have worked through them to this point. What about her everyday life bothers you? What habits bother you? Are they serious enough for you to get into arguments about? Or are they things that would be considered petty. It's very rare that two people will ever see eye to eye on every single issue. That is not usually something that should interfere with love if you're a reasonable person. I have known many a couple who are polar opposites when it comes to politics and they have great relationships.

Why does this bother you? Is it a lack of education? Does she not bring anything to the table financially? Does she not have a steady career? Does she lack motivation to better her career? Those are reasonable worries. Having an educational background that is different and maybe not as illustrious as yours is a very petty thing, in my opinion.

Are we talking hobbies or life skills here? You should enjoy teaching her things that could be considered hobbies. She doesn't know anything about baseball? It should be fun for you to help her learn/understand it. Have you ever talked with her about why she doesn't have a big core group of friends? Hate to break it to you, but most adults only have a handful of people they would likely consider friends. There are other ways to branch out. Find something you both enjoy and join a local group to meet other couples/individuals.

She takes a lot of care of you and that's the only reason you're still together? No offense, but that sounds incredibly selfish. A relationship is a two-way street. If she truly takes care of you as much as you make it sound, maybe you should be a little more accepting of some of the seemingly petty issues you are having problems with.

Just my two cents.

August 14, 2014

The question is why did you get with her in the first place

August 25, 2014

Thanks a lot for your answers jjtr! They sound quite realistic.

Why does this bother you? Is it a lack of education? Does she not bring anything to the table financially? Does she not have a steady career? Does she lack motivation to better her career? Those are reasonable worries. Having an educational background that is different and maybe not as illustrious as yours is a very petty thing, in my opinion.

She is a motivated girl and trying to better her career, but she lacks sometimes some basic knowledge for her age in my opinion. However, I try to get over these things.

Because you brought the financial part in the discussion I can also agree that she doesn't bring too much to the table. This was never a checkpoint for me in a relationship, but for example maybe I was wishing for a better holiday and because she couldn't afford we had to do something low cost. I even paid half of it, it was not a problem. Maybe I wish more holidays but because finances we have to wait. Anyway, financial part is the last thing I want to think about.

Are we talking hobbies or life skills here? You should enjoy teaching her things that could be considered hobbies. She doesn't know anything about baseball? It should be fun for you to help her learn/understand it.

Good subject! Yes, In the beginning I enjoyed and I still enjoy teaching her things, but sometimes I feel like I'm spending too much time with this and that I don't have so much time for myself. Maybe it sounds egoistic!?

But this is exactly what I was saying in the first post, that I feel I'm not developing myself as a person anymore because I have to teach her so many things... using computer programs, teaching her to use phone apps, explaining her about history, etc. etc.

Have you ever talked with her about why she doesn't have a big core group of friends?

Because her preivous boyfriend didn't allow her to have friends because of jealousy. And sadly she accepted all these things...

Sometimes I see her like she came out from a cave... she is cute and has a good soul, but lacks a lot of knowledge.

She takes a lot of care of you and that's the only reason you're still together? No offense, but that sounds incredibly selfish. A relationship is a two-way street. If she truly takes care of you as much as you make it sound, maybe you should be a little more accepting of some of the seemingly petty issues you are having problems with.

Honestly I apprciate a lot your opinion!

However, in your situation, you've only been dating for one year, and you already don't like her. It's only going to get worse from there, IMO.

You can also say like this... Maybe I don't like her, but I love her.

The question is why did you get with her in the first place

We simply fell in love. We didn't know each other well and we are slowly discovering each other.

I hope time will clear things up for us two.

If there is other input, it will be welcome.

August 25, 2014

I speak from experience...being in love isn't a reason to stay in a relationship. For the long haul, you need compatibility, able to bring new things and interests into the relationship to keep things fresh, able to intellectually stimulate each other, need a life outside the relationship to avoid codependency and insecurity, to equally support a household, future children and responsibilities. Plus when you marry someone, you marry their family and they marry into yours. If the family doesn't accept her, then there is no point. This will cause future friction at family function, dinners, Christmas, etc. Why would you want to put your children through that? For the long term, in your case, it is not looking good. Marriage is rewarding, but waaaaaay more work than what you are going through now. If you feel she isn't stable enough to handle the responsibilities of marriage and family then don't be a fool because you just love her....this is more serious.

August 25, 2014

Thanks a lot for your answers jjtr! They sound quite realistic.

She is a motivated girl and trying to better her career, but she lacks sometimes some basic knowledge for her age in my opinion. However, I try to get over these things.
Because you brought the financial part in the discussion I can also agree that she doesn't bring too much to the table. This was never a checkpoint for me in a relationship, but for example maybe I was wishing for a better holiday and because she couldn't afford we had to do something low cost. I even paid half of it, it was not a problem. Maybe I wish more holidays but because finances we have to wait. Anyway, financial part is the last thing I want to think about.

Good subject! Yes, In the beginning I enjoyed and I still enjoy teaching her things, but sometimes I feel like I'm spending too much time with this and that I don't have so much time for myself. Maybe it sounds egoistic!?
But this is exactly what I was saying in the first post, that I feel I'm not developing myself as a person anymore because I have to teach her so many things... using computer programs, teaching her to use phone apps, explaining her about history, etc. etc.

Because her preivous boyfriend didn't allow her to have friends because of jealousy. And sadly she accepted all these things...
Sometimes I see her like she came out from a cave... she is cute and has a good soul, but lacks a lot of knowledge.

Honestly I apprciate a lot your opinion!

You can also say like this... Maybe I don't like her, but I love her.

We simply fell in love. We didn't know each other well and we are slowly discovering each other.

I hope time will clear things up for us two.

If there is other input, it will be welcome.

When I read your answers it tells me you wish she was more independent, self sufficient, and less reliant on the relationship. You feeling like you care the one carrying this relationship, having to make the decisions? And wish she would take the initiative to handle things on her own?

August 26, 2014

Hi all,

Me and my girlfriend are both in the late 20's. We're together for one year and we love each other. This feeling is/was amazing and I enjoyed every minute of it. However, after one year and after the usual honey period has passed, things have changed a bit and I see things a bit different, more realistic.

My problem is that I'm not sure if she's the one I want to spend all my life with.

In all this year I must admit we had some fights and quite many different opinions (political, everyday life, habbits, etc.), but we love each other and passed over all these.
Her education and background is not that great and quite different than mine. I don't like that much her family and I don't have a pleasure to spend time with them. My family also doesn't like her too much and tell me that I can find someone much better for me.
Sometimes I feel she doesn't bring anything new in our relationship. She doesn't have friends (very few - and I don't really like them). Most of the time we spend alone, together. She doesn't have hobbies and I feel I have to learn her too many things that she should already know at this age. This thing makes me feel I'm not evolving as a person since we're together. I feel like instead of learning and developing myself as a person I'm teaching a child.
We love each other and she takes a lot of care of me and I think this is the only thing that keeps us together...when I think at the beautiful moments we had and that I have this amazing feeling for her.

At the same time, I want to think about my future and how good could it be next to her and I have some doubts at this moment. Funny or not this relationship is exactly opposite to the one I previously had: I had everything I wanted, friends, nice family, good financial situation, she was modern and knew a lot about technology, we could joke more, but we didn't love each other. I don't want to spend another 4-5 years in a relationship and later realize I should have ended up earlier.

Any advice? Did anybody else was in this situation?

Sounds like the honeymoon phase is over and you're starting to question whether the foundation you've built over this past year has made it worth sticking around.

Things like her family and education aren't going to change... you either accept them or don't.

Only you can answer that question. What I will say, however, as someone who was blind-sided, is to express your feelings to her before you make any decisions. Bring up that you're getting cold feet or tell her you want to try spicing things up to refresh the relationship.

August 26, 2014

Have you ever voiced your concerns to her? The thing is, I feel like if these things are bothering you, these may also be things that are bothering her; i.e. different family and education backgrounds, family doesn't like you/her.

Regarding her having no hobbies and friends... motivate her to find a new hobby, e.g. a baking/pastry course. There, she could meet new friends. With her learning new things and having new hobbies, she, in turn, could teach you new things. Her lacking "basic knowledge" might have to do with her upbringing. But I'm sure she has her own things/experience to share with you, things you didn't experience because of your better upbringing.

September 2, 2014

I speak from experience...being in love isn't a reason to stay in a relationship.

Well, that's a big statement and I'm sure a lot of members might jump against you because they don't agree with it! But...unfortunately... I think I will have to agree with you. I start to realize, maybe too late, that love is not everything that matters in a relationship. Actually, you describe very well my inner thoughts with your posts and put in words very well my feelings!

We love each other, but is love everything that matters?

When I read your answers it tells me you wish she was more independent, self sufficient, and less reliant on the relationship. You feeling like you care the one carrying this relationship, having to make the decisions? And wish she would take the initiative to handle things on her own?

EXACTLY! I couldn't say it better than you.

Thanks for your posts!

What I will say, however, as someone who was blind-sided, is to express your feelings to her before you make any decisions. Bring up that you're getting cold feet or tell her you want to try spicing things up to refresh the relationship.

I don't think I would be able to tell her I don't like her family, nor that I don't like her education. That sounds rude and I might hurt her and make her feel miserable.

I'm just trying to make her feel the freedom, that she's allowed to do anything she wants, to teach her new thing...just that sometime I feel like the relationship is a step forward for her and a step backwards for me.

September 2, 2014

You can also say like this... Maybe I don't like her, but I love her.

This one doesn't sit very well at all.

Are you trying to say "It's not that I like her, but that I love her" or that you genuinely dislike her as a person yet love her essence? Or something else I'm missing here?

September 4, 2014

This one doesn't sit very well at all.

Are you trying to say "It's not that I like her, but that I love her" or that you genuinely dislike her as a person yet love her essence? Or something else I'm missing here?

I mean we love each other and I never felt for another person like this, but as time passes I discover also things that I don't like about her. Sometimes I'm wondering, if I knew all these things before getting with her, would I still do the same thing now?

September 4, 2014

I mean we love each other and I never felt for another person like this, but as time passes I discover also things that I don't like about her. Sometimes I'm wondering, if I knew all these things before getting with her, would I still do the same thing now?

This is what dating is all about....to see if you are right for each other to take the next step......marriage. Just because you invest your time into a relationship doesn't mean you need to make it happen. I have ended a 5 year relationship without regret. I'm with the right person now, and I am sooooooo glad I didn't marry my ex. We were at the point of looking a rings....ewww the thought of it now gives me shivers.

September 4, 2014

I don't think I would be able to tell her I don't like her family, nor that I don't like her education. That sounds rude and I might hurt her and make her feel miserable.

Well of course it's rude. You're judging her and limiting pushing your relationship further based on things she has no control over.

But if that's how you're going to judge her, then sobeit. Just don't blindside her.

September 4, 2014

Nobody in their 20s in this day and age should be falling in love......your 20s is when you focus on the foundation of carving yourself a career, that will help provide you with a better life.

Yes our parents and grandparents did, but times are different now. There wasn't facebook/twitter back then, and people were not preoccupied with their cellphones

OP...from what you described, it was love based on infatuation i.e. thinking about what is between your legs rather than considering all the things that is needed to have a successful relationship:

- mutual respect

- friendship

- teamwork

- communication

- honesty

- sincerity

notice how sex isn't on that list yet? Funny to see most adults in their 30s, 40, 50s still not getting the picture i.e. no lessons learned from their previous and making the same mistakes again.

It's like that definition of insanity....

September 4, 2014

Nobody in their 20s in this day and age should be falling in love......

HAhahahaha what! You can't be serious.

September 5, 2014

HAhahahaha what! You can't be serious.

Dead serious....20s are barely out of diapers. I mean there is student loans, probably still living with mum and dad, self centered, social media, can't keep their eyes off other good looking people (not that this last one is different for older folks)

Point is...20s are not thinking right, and all they are seeing is sexy and all the false looks (make up, push up bra, provocative dressing, hair extensions etc), and drama

September 5, 2014

Dead serious....20s are barely out of diapers. I mean there is student loans, probably still living with mum and dad, self centered, social media, can't keep their eyes off other good looking people (not that this last one is different for older folks)

Point is...20s are not thinking right, and all they are seeing is sexy and all the false looks (make up, push up bra, provocative dressing, hair extensions etc), and drama

So we should all be immature innocent virgins until our 30s? With no love, no dating experience, but a good job (whatever that means)?

I'll be the first to admit that there are plenty of men and women in their 20s who match your profile. But I've also seen the same immature guidos and sluts in their 30s and 40s... some people never grow up, regardless of their age.

I also know many people in their 20s who are engaged and/or married, have completed their studies debt free, have good jobs, own houses and cars, and who are 5+ years into serious relationships. You're telling me those people are too immature for a relationship and shouldn't be together yet?

September 5, 2014

In lay man's term.....do not get serious in your 20s, plain and simple...just have fun by having encounters as opposed to getting into some puppy love and having your heart broken, only to need therapy in the future

Believe what you want, and am sure I pointed out that some in the30s and 40s still don't know what they want....I come across these people in my dating, 2 so far this week and I have blown them off.

I don't play those head games or filler for someone that can't decide if they want to go back to their ex. I maintain what I said initially....do NOT be falling head over heels in love in your 20s...get your crap sorted out first, and have fun with multiple people

So we should all be immature innocent virgins until our 30s? With no love, no dating experience, but a good job (whatever that means)?

I'll be the first to admit that there are plenty of men and women in their 20s who match your profile. But I've also seen the same immature guidos and sluts in their 30s and 40s... some people never grow up, regardless of their age.

I also know many people in their 20s who are engaged and/or married, have completed their studies debt free, have good jobs, own houses and cars, and who are 5+ years into serious relationships. You're telling me those people are too immature for a relationship and shouldn't be together yet?

September 6, 2014

In lay man's term.....do not get serious in your 20s, plain and simple...just have fun by having encounters as opposed to getting into some puppy love and having your heart broken, only to need therapy in the future

do NOT be falling head over heels in love in your 20s...get your crap sorted out first, and have fun with multiple people

Terrible advice. Agree to disagree.

September 8, 2014

Terrible advice. Agree to disagree.

Ditto......

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My relationship situation - after 1 year

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