I really, really miss my ex-wife

[ajoe2k]

Sometimes I think I really, really miss my ex-wife. Then I wonder, do I miss her, or do I miss having someone to talk to, cuddle with, share the day’s activities, etc. All I know is that I’m lonely and I wish I had worked harder to make the marriage work.

 

I realize now that there were just a few things that really bothered me, and that perhaps I should have been more understanding and not let these things bother me.

 

I lost my former wife to cancer in mid 1998, and met X in late 1998. She was pushy and moved in with me not too long after we met. I had two grown kids and they weren’t happy with the situation. We broke up 4 times and she moved out and then back in, then in late 2001 we decided to get married. It wasn’t an easy decision for me. My brain told me “NO” but I’m like most men and I didn’t think with my brain. Several people told me that she was interested in me for money, but I didn’t have much so I thought they were wrong.

 

Shortly after we were married she left her email account open and I read a couple of emails to her daughter. One said that she knew she was going to be laid off in early 2002 and now she had financial security and she didn’t have to worry about it. Another email said that she had been going through my files and she had found that I had a IRA worth about $100K, but that there had to be more, MUCH MORE. There wasn’t, so I guess she was disappointed with me from the beginning.

 

In early 2003, after we had been married for just over a year she again left her email open and there were many emails back and forth from a guy that she had once described to me as “the love of her life that got away”. This was one of the times that we broke up.

 

I never did get the full story on this guy, but apparently she had a threesome with him when she was married to her ex-husband, then she fell in love with him and I don’t know what else.

 

When we broke up the last time before getting married she contacted him, but he was married at that time. Apparently he was now divorced and he wanted to get together with W. She responded that she was happily married but that perhaps they could be friends. He said that’s great and that maybe the three of us could get together for dinner. She said no, but that she would meet him for drinks, but it had to be in a dark place so she wouldn’t be recognized.

 

This disturbed me, so I put spy software on her computer so that I could know what was going on. It continued for several months and they made arrangements to meet for drinks on severak different occasions, but something happened each time and they didn’t. Finally after failing to get together she sent him an email saying maybe they could just exchange photos. She sent him some erotic photos and he sent her some.

 

He kept pressing her to meet for drinks and finally she sent him an email saying “Here’s the deal – I can’t meet you for drinks because if I do I’m afraid I’ll become your lover again."

 

In 2006 I approached her about it and told her that I had read some of the emails. She got mad and said that he was just a friend and she could invite him for dinner. I said that would be fine. Then she said that she didn’t want to do that and that she had cut off all contact with him. I told her that was not necessary, that I had no problem if he was just a friend. I told her I wanted a divorce. She said that she didn’t want a divorce and that she would make my life miserable if I tried to divorce her. I backed off.

 

She didn’t know that I had the spy software on her computer, so what she really did was create a new yahoo mail account that she used for nobody but him and she made sure that she didn’t leave this account open . Of course I was able to read all of her email with the spy program.

 

Finally in 2007 she gave in and they met for drinks at least twice. I approached her again and she denied it, but I had proof. She asked me if I wanted to meet with him so that I could see that they were just friends. I said yes, and she said she would set it up. She never did. I asked her why and she said she had cut off all contact with him.

 

He gave her his phone number in the emails, so I called and talked to him. He repeated what she had said that they were just friends. I asked him if she had contacted him about setting up a meeting between the three of us, he said no. I asked if his wife knew about his relationship with my wife, and he said yes, that he kept no secrets from his wife. They were swingers and she let him do his own thing.

 

I confronted her about this, she said he must have just forgotten, and that she had contacted him several times.

 

I then told her that I wanted a divorce. She laid a guilt trip on me, said that she would survive somehow, that she would get a roommate and a second job. A day or so later she asked if I would be her rooommate and that she was going to get a better paying job so she could afford to live by herself.

 

I decided to be patient. That was in early 2008 and she never got a better job.

 

She again claimed that she cut off all contact with him. I think I was finally almost over it until early 2012 when W had minor surgery and had to spend the night in the hospital and asked me to take her wallet home. There, hidden behind a credit card was a business card from this guy. He had retired from being an engineer and was now a photographer specializing in erotic photography.

 

So, finally in late 2012 we had a discussion and agreed to get married. She had a boyfriend at the time, so she was the one that requested the divorce. However, the BF turned out to be a controlling jerk (in her words) and she begged me to reconsider the divorce. I refused and we were divorced in March, 2013.

 

My problem was that the fact that she tried to keep her relationship with this guy secret for so many years really, really bothered me. Perhaps it shouldn’t have.

 

Another problem that I had with her over the years is that she is very high maintenance. Every year we would spend more money than we made. I make 3 times as much as she does, so I feel guilty about not fulfilling my obligation to her financially.

 

She said many things over the years that bothered me. She was 4 years younger than me and she said that she looked at least 10 years younger than she was and I looked 5 to 10 years older than I am. So the implication was that I looked at least 20 years older than she did.

 

The last time I tried to talk to her about her "friend" she asked me if I had considered the possibility that I might be autistic because that's one of the symptoms of autism that people keep harping on the same thing over and over.

 

After we separated she found another boyfriend quickly (a rich guy) and she’s now living with him. I haven’t moved on. She’s said a few things that indicate that she’s not happy with new guy, with the implication being that she would come back to me if I asked. My brain tells me not to ask, but I’m lonely. At this point I’m remembering the good times, and wondering if I overreacted about the other.

 

I'm trying to find a way to get over her.

[No Limit]

You fell for a user who immediately smelled her chance. There's nothing you could have done better, kicking a cheating spouse out of the house is the best thing one can do.

[Itspointless]

No. you did not overreact. Give yourself time and please try this time to learn to be alone. Easier said than done, but I think this is important for you considering your history.

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for the heartache and for the loneliness. I understand, I really do. I went through a divorce five years ago and live in a city far from my family with almost zero social interaction whatsoever. I moved here to be near my children and to remain active in their lives. What you have described, however, is the natural outcome when serious issues in marriage are ignored. There were certainly "red flags" before the wedding day, but once the "I do's" have been exchanged, nothing can be done about that. Husbands and wives who discover the kind of things you discovered often keep it to themselves and hope it gets better. In my experience, I have concluded that sin left in the shadows never goes away, it always remains. Sin brought to the light, however, has a better chance of being dealt with and carries a more likelihood of dying.

 

As you consider your circumstances, do you believe that your loneliness is a good enough reason to over-look the serious issues that existed in your marriage? Could your ex-wife really be committed to you? You have heard the following quote, "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I am all for reconciliation in marriage, absolutely for it, but fidelity is the foundation of any healthy marital relationship. It trumps everything else. In the very least, maybe insist on counseling before going down that road. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Sugarkane]

How could you ever trust this woman again? She has lied to you multiple times and kept cheating on you. You were true to her and all she cared about was the money. If she wanted to spend so much, why didnt you make her pay for it instead? This woman sounds like the only she worships is money- money that someone else works hard for.

[ajoe2k]

Thanks for the comments.

 

Goblue wrote

do you believe that your loneliness is a good enough reason to over-look the serious issues that existed in your marriage

 

I guess this is the big question that I keep mulling over. I was happier with her than I am without her. Perhaps I should have just lived with the issues, or even better yet, perhaps I should have tried harder to resolve them.

 

However, I realize that I need to move on. It's been nearly 1 1/2 years since we divorced. The first year or so was fine, but for some reason I've relapsed in the last few months.

[Reels]

She seems careless and foolish, no one can help such person, and if you do then you are only wasting the time you can use somewhere else.

[ajoe2k]

My X's new BF takes her on weekend trips almost every weekend. Today she sent me a picture of the cottage that they're staying at which was built to look like a church. Why? I ask myself "Why would she continue to send me pictures like that?"

 

Is she trying to make me feel bad because her new guy has lots of money and can take her on weekend trips? Or is she just being friendly? I wish I knew. He's retired and she's still working, so I suspect that the weekend trips are making her very tired.