I don't get it.

[snappytomcat]

I don't see you as an OW, I really don't. I see you deceived.

not to t/j but this is what ive told hope before also,she was deceived by a cold hearted snake

[waterwoman]

I have always said that the BS should know. For all the usual reasons. And because it worked out OK for us. In my case if I hadnt found out I think the affair would have carried on as long as the OW wanted it to - H was infatuated - she has already 'ended' it, because she didn't have enough of him time and attention, but they were still texting as much as before. I honestly think that it would have got deeper and stronger and our marriage would simply have atrophied. Not flattering to me at all - but put simply she was calling the shots and H would have done whatever she wanted - I would have been collateral damage (makes me want to puke typing that!).

 

H got a bucket full of freezing cold water over his stupid dozy head and OW got a sudden sharp ending when I found out. I just don't think there was no way it would have stopped without it.

 

If it had been different. If H had more backbone and integrity and come to the conclusion it had to stop all on his own, and felt remorse and worked to change himself and be a good husband, maybe I wouldn't have needed to know. How can I say - I've only lived one of those scenarios.

 

But the affair did do something positive - we both had to pull up sharp and look at the shortcomings in our communications and interactions as a couple. That needed doing. If H had ended the affair and never told me I am not sure that would have happened.

[beatcuff]

there are just to many variables to have a hard line. i have no doubt known BS would want to know. it gives them power.

 

but what of an unknowing BS. life is going along great, then you are hit with a truck. the WS that confesses is doing so more to relieve their guilt, to set them free. it appears that the WS does not want to make up their minds, so they confess to get the BS to do it for them.

 

and the older the more useless it is. think a ONS 20 years ago v last month. this offloads the pain to the BS. then you have WS and friends say 'it happened years ago, get over it'.

 

more typical, is BS knows M is not going well, starts to see 'signs', goes into detective mode. which of course makes M even worse, as no one is now tending to M. in this case the BS has to know. otherwise they will begin to think they are 'nuts'.

 

AND if others in your friend circle know (especially same sex) then not knowing is making you look foolish.

 

and can we get over 'living a lie'. seriously we all do, from the moment we first meet --- men: going over the top to woo (hint: we really do not want to hear about EVERY moment of your day). women: that's not your real hair color, that's not your height (heels).

[woinlove]

Honesty and openness in my M are very important to me and I'd like to know.

 

On not telling, the spouse may find out any way, even years later. I know of one case, and have read of others, where the spouse found out after the WS died. It still caused all the pain. In some ways, maybe more difficult not having WS alive to answer any questions and having the effects of betrayal mixed in with grief of losing a spouse.

[Snowflower]

Honesty and openness in my M are very important to me and I'd like to know.

 

On not telling, the spouse may find out any way, even years later. I know of one case, and have read of others, where the spouse found out after the WS died. It still caused all the pain. In some ways, maybe more difficult not having WS alive to answer any questions and having the effects of betrayal mixed in with grief of losing a spouse.

 

Very good point. These things happen.

 

The truth has a funny way of coming out. Even the hypothetical ONS with a stranger at a convention across the country--someone may have seen you (general you), you might leave a clue in your phone which your spouse innocently picks up one day to call a family member because hey, your phone was closest. Or, perhaps most likely, the partner from the one-night-stand decides to make contact for some reason. The list of potential ways goes on and on.

 

What I always find interesting is someone's insistence (usually because they are the ones involved in the affair) at never disclosing the affair to the BS because the marriage is ending anyway. Okay, now say a divorce is in the works. The now soon to be divorced WS and AP think they have been subtle at hiding the affair and want to go public. Then suddenly, 6 months down the road, WS and AP are seen together at a family function, introduced to the children, friends, etc.

 

Isn't it possible that the BS is going to put 2 and 2 together and realize that their STBX and this "new" person started before the divorce was ever even decided on? Truly, BS aren't stupid...we can figure it out!

Edited August 15, 2014 by Snowflower

[goodyblue]

Very good point. These things happen.

 

The truth has a funny way of coming out. Even the hypothetical ONS with a stranger at a convention across the country--someone may have seen you (general you), you might leave a clue in your phone which your spouse innocently picks up one day to call a family member because hey, your phone was closest. Or, perhaps most likely, the partner from the one-night-stand decides to make contact for some reason. The list of potential ways goes on and on.

 

What I always find interesting is someone's insistence (usually because they are the ones involved in the affair) at never disclosing the affair to the BS because the marriage is ending anyway. Okay, now say a divorce is in the works. The now soon to be divorced WS and AP think they have been subtle at hiding the affair and want to go public. Then suddenly, 6 months down the road, WS and AP are seen together at a family function, introduced to the children, friends, etc.

 

Isn't it possible that the BS is going to put 2 and 2 together and realize that their STBX and this "new" person started before the divorce was ever even decided on? Truly, BS aren't stupid...we can figure it out!

 

I certainly don't think BS's are stupid. But I do think there is a disconnect going on sometimes. My guys ex wife used to make comments like "is your girlfriend going to like your new haircut". I think she said those things so that he would laugh and say he didn't have a girlfriend because she knew she was failing the marriage.

 

I have found this thread to be interesting. Thanks to all who have joined and not beaten me up for posting.

[drifter777]

There are two separate things being debated here - should the WS tell the BS knowing it will cause the BS so much pain. They can rationalize that it was a mistake that will never happen again so see no reason to upset their marriage. Pro's and con's of this solicits a lot of discussion.

 

Then there's the case of a BS knowing about the WS's cheating and the question to them is knowing what you know now would you rather you didn't know? I can only speak to this case as I did not experience (to my knowledge) my WW having a secret affair. And when I say "to my knowledge" I mean I can't know unless she tells me and I don't ever want her to tell me.

[WasOtherWoman]

I respect your opinion but that is an easy thing to say until it actuàlly happens to you.

 

I can be onboard with not telling if the affair is long over. And the WS has changed their behavior. Or a long forgotten ONS.

But for 2 people to actively conceal an ongoing affair, they are robbing the BS of control of his/her own life and their own future. You can't make solid life choices when you are being deceived and lied to on a daily basis.

 

I was a BS, many years ago. And then an OW, many years later. I really do understand the feelings on all sides, and frankly, still feel this way.

 

edited: knowing what being a BS feels like is why I qualified the circumstances under which I would not want to know.

Edited August 15, 2014 by WasOtherWoman

[fellini]

There are two separate things being debated here - should the WS tell the BS knowing it will cause the BS so much pain. They can rationalize that it was a mistake that will never happen again so see no reason to upset their marriage. Pro's and con's of this solicits a lot of discussion.

 

Then there's the case of a BS knowing about the WS's cheating and the question to them is knowing what you know now would you rather you didn't know? I can only speak to this case as I did not experience (to my knowledge) my WW having a secret affair. And when I say "to my knowledge" I mean I can't know unless she tells me and I don't ever want her to tell me.

 

Actually, I think there are 3, and the third one has been slipped in there as a closure for the other two, which it really shouldn't.

 

1. Should the WS tell the BS after the affair is over.

2. Does the BS want to know about an affair, after it is over.

 

3. Does the BS want to know during the affair.

 

This third one is not really the point of the discussion. 1 and 2 are reciprocal. Should the WS tell / does the BS really want to know both exclude option 3, that the affair is not over.

 

Over course I want to know my wife is in an affair if she continues to stay in it and has no intention of ending it. I don't remember ever reading a BS saying s/he doesn't want to know under those circumstances.

 

The perspective of the BS is, however, almost entirely hypothetical except in the case of a few of us here that have gone on the record of saying thank you very much but I do not want to be told if its over and done with and after all is said and done the WS wants to return to the marriage and work on him/herself. People say this, but other BS's refuse to believe it. That's fine.

 

But to say that I want, then to remain in the dark while my WS is screwing around is to change the context radically.

 

My personal case did not allow for any of this, but rather, like drifter I think, she was unable to end her own bullsh-t so she got me to discover it in order to get something done about it. And probably, one can never ever really truly know what was going on in the mind of a WS, she was hoping I would throw her out so she could be with the AP without being the one to make that decision. I didn't throw her out, but held out for her to say she would end it herself. But yes, I am angry as sh-t that she put all this on me to do. All she had to do was end it, come home, and rebuild herself and keep it to herself.

 

This has nothing to do with truth, it has everything to do with unnecessary pain and suffering. And I put not doing permanent harm to people ahead of some vague notion of the "truth".

[WasOtherWoman]

 

This has nothing to do with truth, it has everything to do with unnecessary pain and suffering. And I put not doing permanent harm to people ahead of some vague notion of the "truth".

 

Completely agree!

[ForeverTainted]

First I want to say unless someone was confessed to by a completely repentive WS I cannot think they really truly know theyvdidn't want to know. I imagine these people exsist as we are all so different. But I know my husband is not angry or upset at me for confessing. The thing is so many affairs are caught, flaunted or the BS has a gut feeling and knows something is up and is haubted by "did they?". When someone say they wish they didn't know I take that to mean they wish it didn't happen in those cases because they are talking about a completely different scenereo than a fully repentive WS letting a BS know all the facts.

 

It is okay to hypothetical a question but when you use your hypothetical. "If my wife had been more descreet, I had been less aware, and I never had uncovered it, and the affair was over I would not want to know." An honest and apologetic confession is not even close to what you probably experienced.

 

We tend to bury our heads in the sand before marriage about infidelity. I know I did. I would never cheat on him or he on me. But the reality is. It happens. You can have the best screening process and be cheated on. Therefore I think we would all benefit with discussing infidelity at the start(I know some do and we did too but not in any deep way as those already touched by it do). If you truly feel you wouldn't want a post affair confession then let your SO. Tell them, "if you cheat on me and I find out we are over. But if you cheat, wake up from your stupidity than please don't tell me. I'd rather not know" or "if you cheat and even it is over please let me know sonwe can work through this together"

 

Of course life has a way of changeing how we feel when it actually happens but at least it would be an honest communication.

[James-London]

i think most BSs would want to know. I can imagine a few people might literally go insane or never get over it (as one poster said above) if they knew the truth, but I expect those people are exceptions. For everyone else, confessing is the right thing to do.

 

Obviously, WSs don't like to confess because of the shame/guilt, fear of hurting the AP's family etc. But the excuse of not wanting to hurt the BS is also genuinely felt too. As it happens, the BS almost always wants to know, but I think the WS genuinely feels they are protecting the BS by hiding the truth.

 

this is a lack of empathy in what the BS needs, not necessarily a lack of caring. i specifically told my ex-GF that i wanted the truth 100s of times, but she lied about it for a whole year after our relationship ended.... she still wants to claim that she didn't really realise i wanted the truth. in her twisted brain, i think she convinced herself that i actually would be better of not to know.

[Spark1111]

Finding out about the affair was actually a relief to me: I knew I wasn't crazy and I now knew why he had grown so distant, critical, and almost verbally abusive to me.....

 

While f'ing me twice a week....down from our usual three to four times a week.

 

I chalked it up to new, high powered job stress....NEVER assuming he was f'ing a D co-worker for almost two years.

 

here is the irony: I loved him enough to let him go. You found greener grass elsewhere? Be happy. JUST TELL me the truth.

 

he was too cowardly to do so. He told her a whole litany of nonsense to have her believe I was some selfish, nasty, frigid, Ice Princess. When the youngest graduates,when.....FILL in the blank....

 

He told me he was working late to grow his new business; his new job.

 

We both fell for it. She more than I.

 

Truth should be told, always. It may surprise you.....and astonish everyone else.

[woinlove]

Actually, I think there are 3, and the third one has been slipped in there as a closure for the other two, which it really shouldn't.

 

1. Should the WS tell the BS after the affair is over.

2. Does the BS want to know about an affair, after it is over.

 

3. Does the BS want to know during the affair.

 

This third one is not really the point of the discussion. 1 and 2 are reciprocal. Should the WS tell / does the BS really want to know both exclude option 3, that the affair is not over.

 

Over course I want to know my wife is in an affair if she continues to stay in it and has no intention of ending it. I don't remember ever reading a BS saying s/he doesn't want to know under those circumstances.

 

The perspective of the BS is, however, almost entirely hypothetical except in the case of a few of us here that have gone on the record of saying thank you very much but I do not want to be told if its over and done with and after all is said and done the WS wants to return to the marriage and work on him/herself. People say this, but other BS's refuse to believe it. That's fine.

 

But to say that I want, then to remain in the dark while my WS is screwing around is to change the context radically.

 

My personal case did not allow for any of this, but rather, like drifter I think, she was unable to end her own bullsh-t so she got me to discover it in order to get something done about it. And probably, one can never ever really truly know what was going on in the mind of a WS, she was hoping I would throw her out so she could be with the AP without being the one to make that decision. I didn't throw her out, but held out for her to say she would end it herself. But yes, I am angry as sh-t that she put all this on me to do. All she had to do was end it, come home, and rebuild herself and keep it to herself.

 

This has nothing to do with truth, it has everything to do with unnecessary pain and suffering. And I put not doing permanent harm to people ahead of some vague notion of the "truth".

 

As we see from posts on LS, the end of an affair can be difficult to determine, with so many people wanting to end affairs, thinking they have ended an affair, and going back and forth, sometimes restarting a year or more later, as well as some going on to have another affair years later, having crossed that line once already. So, not sure how well you can separate 2 and 3 in all cases.

 

As to nothing to do with the truth, I understand that is how you feel. For my H and I, we value honesty and openness in our R a great deal and it would have a whole lot to do with the truth. Neither of us is interested in living in a false reality created by the other. That's just us, but I know some others, not all, feel similarly. For me, it comes down to what kind of M you want and how much intimacy you want in your M. Deception on such an important matter is an intimacy killer, while lots of open and honest communication on matters of trust, loyalty, fidelity, love, sex is a strong intimacy builder. I want a very intimate M with my H, so the truth has a lot to do with it.

[drifter777]

... my husband is not angry or upset at me for confessing.

I was not focused on her telling me about cheating - I was angry and upset about the cheating itself.

 

We tend to bury our heads in the sand before marriage about infidelity. I know I did. I would never cheat on him or he on me. But the reality is. It happens. You can have the best screening process and be cheated on. Therefore I think we would all benefit with discussing infidelity at the start(I know some do and we did too but not in any deep way as those already touched by it do). If you truly feel you wouldn't want a post affair confession then let your SO. Tell them, "if you cheat on me and I find out we are over. But if you cheat, wake up from your stupidity than please don't tell me. I'd rather not know" or "if you cheat and even it is over please let me know sonwe can work through this together"

 

Of course life has a way of changeing how we feel when it actually happens but at least it would be an honest communication.

The sad fact is that this whole subject is pretty much academic to many of us. You can only realize life would have been better if you never knew after time passes and you just can't get the images out of your head or the pain out of your heart. Just as being positive you would dump your spouse immediately if they cheat, you never know how you will actually react until it happens.

[badkarma2013]

Although I am a BS as well and feel I deserved to know, I do believe there are situations where telling the BS does more damage than good.

 

If it's a one night stand, or a short fling that occurred years ago, sometimes telling that truth could destroy years of marriage based on one forgotten event. If the WS has been outstanding in the meantime, hard to say that the truth is the best option there.

 

And maybe if my WS had just a ONS, maybe leaving it in the past would have been OK. But long, drawn out betrayals and lies, I deserve to know not only the truth, but also that I wasn't crazy those years I knew something was wrong.

 

 

THE TRUTH DID NOT DESTROY ANYTHING....Their Lies ,Deciet and Betryal destroyed the marriage....THEY MADE A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...and passed hundreds of Red Flags blowin ing the breeze before the actual sex acts took place...

 

I would want to know anything less ,,,you are a coward and a cake eater..

 

All of us BS here must remember...Do not ever confuse Forgiveness with Reconcilition...For they are not the same thing!

Edited August 21, 2014 by badkarma2013
sp ck

[fellini]

THE TRUTH DID NOT DESTROY ANYTHING....Their Lies ,Deciet and Betryal destroyed the marriage....THEY MADE A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...and passed hundreds of Red Flags blowin ing the breeze before the actual sex acts took place...

 

I would want to know anything less ,,,you are a coward and a cake eater..

 

All of us BS here must remember...Do not ever confuse Forgiveness with Reconcilition...For they are not the same thing!

 

Neither the TRUTH nor the LIES nor the ACTIONS. Marriages are destroyed when DDAY occurs and the process begins. A marriage is destroyed when one or both of the partners move on, move out, or say it is irreconcilable. This is not about TRUTH vs. LIES. It is about determining the meaning of an action within the context of one's personal values and life and acting accordingly.

 

My child LYING to me does NOT destroy NOT FOR A SECOND my unconditional love for her. Each of us has to decide what it is that is killing our marriage, no BS in here has the right to tell another BS that they are WRONG in their personal belief system. And that includes saying "I would rather not have known". Just because some BS's cannot get their head around it does not mean it isn't true.

 

You already know from the umpteen number of posts on this very question, that there are BS's in here who share the belief that SOMETIMES under CERTAIN circumstances - that there is an "argument" to be made about not telling the BS about the affair in order NOT to make things WORSE than they already are. These are not HYPOTHETICAL positions.

 

Your personal position on this matter is nothing more than THAT, your OPINION. And just because we say, there might be some conditions, it does not mean we are saying, all conditions are equally valid. Some of the conditions have to do with potential violence, some have to do with the type of affair, some have to do with the time it took place, some have to do with how the WS has responded and taken care of internal issues. But NONE of us BS's who are agreed that there might be reasons not to tell are as belligerent as other BS's who think not only that there is nothing wrong with saying WE ARE WRONG, who maintain that it is IMPOSSIBLE to hold this VIEW. That should be a red flag right there in terms of discussion.

 

You simply refuse accept that others have a VALID CONTRARY POSITION. And you can gather all the likes you want from the BS's in LS but you will never be able to convince 100% of the BS's that they are wrong to believe that there are circumstances that are for you, unacceptable. Call us "not real BS's" if you like. Call us "rugsweepers" if you like. It doesn't change the TRUTH that there people here who simply do not hold such an engraved in stone view of disclosure as others.

[badkarma2013]

Neither the TRUTH nor the LIES nor the ACTIONS. Marriages are destroyed when DDAY occurs and the process begins. A marriage is destroyed when one or both of the partners move on, move out, or say it is irreconcilable. This is not about TRUTH vs. LIES. It is about determining the meaning of an action within the context of one's personal values and life and acting accordingly.

 

My child LYING to me does NOT destroy NOT FOR A SECOND my unconditional love for her. Each of us has to decide what it is that is killing our marriage, no BS in here has the right to tell another BS that they are WRONG in their personal belief system. And that includes saying "I would rather not have known". Just because some BS's cannot get their head around it does not mean it isn't true.

 

You already know from the umpteen number of posts on this very question, that there are BS's in here who share the belief that SOMETIMES under CERTAIN circumstances - that there is an "argument" to be made about not telling the BS about the affair in order NOT to make things WORSE than they already are. These are not HYPOTHETICAL positions.

 

Your personal position on this matter is nothing more than THAT, your OPINION. And just because we say, there might be some conditions, it does not mean we are saying, all conditions are equally valid. Some of the conditions have to do with potential violence, some have to do with the type of affair, some have to do with the time it took place, some have to do with how the WS has responded and taken care of internal issues. But NONE of us BS's who are agreed that there might be reasons not to tell are as belligerent as other BS's who think not only that there is nothing wrong with saying WE ARE WRONG, who maintain that it is IMPOSSIBLE to hold this VIEW. That should be a red flag right there in terms of discussion.

 

You simply refuse accept that others have a VALID CONTRARY POSITION. And you can gather all the likes you want from the BS's in LS but you will never be able to convince 100% of the BS's that they are wrong to believe that there are circumstances that are for you, unacceptable. Call us "not real BS's" if you like. Call us "rugsweepers" if you like. It doesn't change the TRUTH that there people here who simply do not hold such an engraved in stone view of disclosure as others.

 

Fellini...first let me say i have the upmost respect for you and what you have dealt with..in my many months here i have NEVER seen you steer anyone down the wrong path or give poor advice..

 

But your entire above post and really All of who post only post our OWN beliefs and opinions ....I am not trying to convinve any BS on here nor you to change the way you feel ...only to state my opinions any how i handled what i went thru...

 

Many here chose to stay after DDAY...that is your choice..I and MANY here refused to live in the HELL of constant triggers,mind movies and YEARS trying to reconcile with someone who lied ,deceived and betrayed us...

 

And that my friend is My Own Opinion..

[badkarma2013]

Fellini...first let me say i have the upmost respect for you and what you have dealt with..in my many months here i have NEVER seen you steer anyone down the wrong path or give poor advice..

 

But your entire above post and really All of who post only post our OWN beliefs and opinions ....I am not trying to convinve any BS on here nor you to change the way you feel ...only to state my opinions any how i handled what i went thru...

 

Many here chose to stay after DDAY...that is your choice..I and MANY here refused to live in the HELL of constant triggers,mind movies and YEARS trying to reconcile with someone who lied ,deceived and betrayed us...

 

And that my friend is My Own Opinion.. ...

 

P .S. There would be NO DDAY if your spouse had not betrayed you..

[fellini]

Fellini...first let me say i have the upmost respect for you and what you have dealt with..in my many months here i have NEVER seen you steer anyone down the wrong path or give poor advice..

 

But your entire above post and really All of who post only post our OWN beliefs and opinions ....I am not trying to convinve any BS on here nor you to change the way you feel ...only to state my opinions any how i handled what i went thru...

 

Many here chose to stay after DDAY...that is your choice..I and MANY here refused to live in the HELL of constant triggers,mind movies and YEARS trying to reconcile with someone who lied ,deceived and betrayed us...

 

And that my friend is My Own Opinion.. ...

 

P .S. There would be NO DDAY if your spouse had not betrayed you..

 

Fair enough. But surely you will recognize that in many of these posts what is supposedly opinion reads more like mantra? Surely you understand that there are many BS's here who refuse to post because they know the hell and high water they will receive for having an opinion that does not fit the glass slipper of the "majority BS's"? If you are completely unaware of the aggressive animosity that passes for discussion, then I apologize. I assure you it gets downright DIRTY when a BS blames another BS for having views on proceedures that do not fit the "norm". For BS's to tell other BS's that they DESERVED to be cheated on because of the views they hold. Let me tell you that hearing that from a BS is like having a knife pass through your skull. Most BS's just give up and leave.

 

Yes, I realise that there would be NO DDAY if my spouse had not had an affair. Never mind betrayal. There are many ways to betray a spouse, an infidelity just happens to be one.

 

But for many BS's there would also never have been a DDAY if the WS had cleaned up his/her act, did WHAT S/HE has to do ANYHOW, which is fix the internal issues with their boundaries and base happiness, and get back on track in the marriage. And boy, what a difference that would have made for many of us who are reconciling and wished we didn't have to spend the rest of our days as a BS.

Edited August 21, 2014 by fellini

[badkarma2013]

Fair enough. But surely you will recognize that in many of these posts what is supposedly opinion reads more like mantra? Surely you understand that there are many BS's here who refuse to post because they know the hell and high water they will receive for having an opinion that does not fit the glass slipper of the "majority BS's"? If you are completely unaware of the aggressive animosity that passes for discussion, then I apologize. I assure you it gets downright DIRTY when a BS blames another BS for having views on proceedures that do not fit the "norm". For BS's to tell other BS's that they DESERVED to be cheated on because of the views they hold. Let me tell you that hearing that from a BS is like having a knife pass through your skull. Most BS's just give up and leave.

 

Yes, I realise that there would be NO DDAY if my spouse had not had an affair. Never mind betrayal. There are many ways to betray a spouse, an infidelity just happens to be one.

 

But for many BS's there would also never have been a DDAY if the WS had cleaned up his/her act, did WHAT S/HE has to do ANYHOW, which is fix the internal issues with their boundaries and base happiness, and get back on track in the marriage. And boy, what a difference that would have made for many of us who are reconciling and wished we didn't have to spend the rest of our days as a BS.

 

 

If i come across as aggressive or un caring ..then it is i who should apologize..

 

But felinni answer me this ...in OUR OWN LIFE ..There are many ways and many levels of betrayal ...BUT TELL ME ONE that hurts Worse than INFIDELITY..JUST ONE... i cant think of any ...again also good to see your post ..even though i dont agree with all ..i respect you and your sitituation..

[fellini]

If i come across as aggressive or un caring ..then it is i who should apologize..

 

But felinni answer me this ...in OUR OWN LIFE ..There are many ways and many levels of betrayal ...BUT TELL ME ONE that hurts Worse than INFIDELITY..JUST ONE... i cant think of any ...again also good to see your post ..even though i dont agree with all ..i respect you and your sitituation..

 

Im not big on quantifying pain. But what would hurt me more than my WS's affair would returning to the AP, as an affair, or not. After all we had been through, if in a year she went right back to the AP and started up again, this would probably do me in. And I don't mean just as a second affair, it would be knowing that all the things we were doing in recovery and reconciliation were for nothing. That she never meant it when she said she will never have anything to do with him every again.

 

And truth be told, if my spouse ever turned my daughter against me, and kept her from me through legal avenues, for what ever reason this would be a bigger betrayal as a parent than any infidelity that she could have committed. But these are hypothetical cases. My daughter is way more important to me than my wife.

Edited August 21, 2014 by fellini

[badkarma2013]

Im not big on quantifying pain. But what would hurt me more than my WS's affair would returning to the AP, as an affair, or not. After all we had been through, if in a year she went right back to the AP and started up again, this would probably do me in. And I don't mean just as a second affair, it would be knowing that all the things we were doing in recovery and reconciliation were for nothing. That she never meant it when she said she will never have anything to do with him every again.

 

And truth be told, if my spouse ever turned my daughter against me, and kept her from me through legal avenues, for what ever reason this would be a bigger betrayal as a parent than any infidelity that she could have committed. But these are hypothetical cases. My daughter is way more important to me than my wife.

 

Again i understand..if had tried to reconcile and she went back to the AP..I would be crushed and completely undone....That is why i filed for D....As you know what my wife of 22 years did....I had to file for my own survival...and i have never looked back....NO TRIGGERS..NO MIND MOVIES and NO SPENDING YEARS OF RECONCILITION AN RECOVERY FOR ME..NOT HER.

[woinlove]

But for many BS's there would also never have been a DDAY if the WS had cleaned up his/her act, did WHAT S/HE has to do ANYHOW, which is fix the internal issues with their boundaries and base happiness, and get back on track in the marriage. And boy, what a difference that would have made for many of us who are reconciling and wished we didn't have to spend the rest of our days as a BS.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Some find out a few years later, some a few decades later. Doesn't seem to dull the pain much from reading their stories. Sometimes it even seems to make it worse as they add up all the years of deception.

 

There is only one condition for not having a d-day and that is if the BS never finds out the truth from any means, ever. Still the WS needs to have skills that many don't possess, in order to keep up the deception for years while trying to maintain intimacy in the M, and feeling okay with tricking the spouse into staying married if they have any idea that their BS may not want to stay married if they ever learn the truth. For those who don't want an intimate M, then probably this is easier. But my impression is that most people who have affairs while married do want intimacy. Not all, as some may be in it only for the sex. But many are in an A for more than sex.