I don't get it.

[Bittersweetie]

I can only speak to my experience...

 

When I was in my A, I was not going to tell my H. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. I told myself I was protecting him but the reality was...I was protecting myself.

 

Now, I think a BS should be told. My H made a big career decision based on what he thought our relationship was...not on reality. He told me he would've made a different decision if he'd known.

 

So, I think people need to be aware of the truth in their lives in order to make the proper decisions for themselves...whether that's something small or something big.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Spark1111]

Has anyone in the world ever done this?

 

It sounds logical but it's not how people work. No one is going to leave their spouse and family to purse an 'attraction' that may or may not work. Ideally, someone who tell their spouse they are attracted to someone else, or their spouse will ask the right questions about this new person in their life. Of course, you can ask someone "Are you attracted to this person" and they will say "no" or "He/she is attractive but I'm not attracted to him. Don't worry." and meanwhile they are keeping their little secret EVEN if they don't intend for it to go anywhere. Because they don't want to upset the apple cart and have the spouse be jealous. They aren't thinking this could lead to the destruction of their marriage and family. They are just enjoying the attention at that time.

 

We all choose the things we like initially through attraction: friends, spouses, our favorite cousin, red high heels, chocolate and fine red wines...

 

We usually share all of those attractions with our spouse and SO.

 

It is when we STOP sharing and hide it that we start to slide down that slippery slope.

 

Realizing that and communicating it would save people from self-destruction.

[peaksandvalleys]

I am going to reply as aWS so forgive me please.

 

If the affair is over. Or it wasa ONS. Ifthe behaviour hhas in the Ws mind been corrected. If they plan to never go down that path again I do see not confessing being not purely selfish. Just because you did an action that says you didn't care about your SO doesn't mean you don't now care or maybe you were in denial about how truly terrible your deed was. But, I don't agree with taking it to the grave though many people (BS included) do. Just doesn't seem like a good foundation to a relationship. But I am not going to blanket everyone who does not confess as their motives being purely selfish. Because misguided doesn't mean selfish.

 

Now if we are talking on ongoing affair or on again of again or repeated ONS then I would say it is because why confess and lose your cake?

 

If we are talking a third party discloseing I would say each situation is unique and no black or white. Personally, If I found out about an ongoing affair or cheating and I had proof I would tell the BS. If I learned of a past indescretion that was over it would depend on my relationship to the Bs.

 

This is my issue. I have read here many times that the affair was never planned so planning NOT "to go down that path again" means nothing. I as BS should have the choice whether I want to take the chance of being around if they do decide to do it again.

[goodyblue]

Unless you have spoken to her at length, you have no idea if a) that was true or b) if it was true, if something precipitated that, such as a previous affair.

 

People do have affairs in perfectly good marriages. It sucks. But it's the truth. But the vast, vast majority of affairs are personal problem, not marital ones. And the best way to protect your relationship now, is to truly and utterly grasp that. We do not control other people. You cannot spin on a wheel and make someone not cheat. It doesn't work like that. I wish it did- because it would feel like an insurance policy, to know that if I treat my spouse well, there's no risk.

 

It's simply not true. The reasons people cheat are normally put into play long before the spouses even meet.

 

Suffice it to say that I would not say I knew unless I absolutely did. I won't go into how I know, I just do. And not through him.

[peaksandvalleys]

Well, let's see what we know we have in LS:

 

1. "a BS should never be told." (This is a complete exaggeration. Never ever read ever in LS or anywhere else that a BS should never be told.)

 

2. There are BS's (myself included) who believe that under certain circumstances, it is not always necessary under all situations to tell the BS. Or as has been said. There are some situations in which a WS might not tell their spouse. If you have a hard time believing this is possible then there is no real point in discussing the topic.

 

3. There are BS's (some very active here in LS still) who insist that there is never a situation in which a BS should not be told.

 

I have never seen case 1, but I have seen case 3, and they both seem to me to be obvious exaggerations.

 

Case 2 is met (at least, in LS) with nothing but abuse, disdain, accusations of rug sweeping, and general disregard for the pain and suffering of BS's that to admit this position is to "invite" nothing but personal attacks. To try to defend this position is to merely have people tell you are a "fake" BS.

 

 

I was voicing my opinion based on the observations of this site and one other I frequent. I do not have a hard time believing it. I read it. I have a hard not finding it disgusting, repugnant and completely selfish. There is no need for me to discuss that.

Edited August 14, 2014 by peaksandvalleys

[goodyblue]

This is my issue. I have read here many times that the affair was never planned so planning NOT "to go down that path again" means nothing. I as BS should have the choice whether I want to take the chance of being around if they do decide to do it again.

 

Peaks, I was under the impression you'd left your marriage? Am I mistaken?

[goodyblue]

I was voicing my opinion based on the observations of this site and one other I frequent. I do not have a hard time believing it. I read it. I have a hard not finding it disgusting, repugnant and completely selfish. There is no need for me to discuss that.

 

Do you find it disgusting, repugnant and selfish when a woman refuses her husband's advances for years? I don't mean this sarcastically. I really want to know. The affair is all these things. To the one it hurts. To the ones involved it sometimes (not all the time, but once in a while) it is a new lease on life. FINALLY, some feeling in the world.

 

I agree it is better to just leave, but beyond that... would you expect a person to stay in a marriage with a person who would not have an intimate relationship?

[HermioneG]

Suffice it to say that I would not say I knew unless I absolutely did. I won't go into how I know, I just do. And not through him.

 

I have no response to this, but unless you have actually directly spoken to her, I do not believe this to be possible.

 

But I wish you well, and for your sake, I truly hope it was all her fault, because otherwise, these problems repeat.

[HermioneG]

Do you find it disgusting, repugnant and selfish when a woman refuses her husband's advances for years? I don't mean this sarcastically. I really want to know. The affair is all these things. To the one it hurts. To the ones involved it sometimes (not all the time, but once in a while) it is a new lease on life. FINALLY, some feeling in the world.

 

I agree it is better to just leave, but beyond that... would you expect a person to stay in a marriage with a person who would not have an intimate relationship?

 

I would hope that there was an explanation of why. These things are never quite what they appear to an outsider.

 

I definitely do not think someone should remain in a sexless marriage.

 

And if they do- for years and years- it is quite clear that both partners are unhealthy. Both.

[fellini]

I was voicing my opinion based on the observations of this site and one other I frequent. I do not have a hard time believing it. I read it. I have a hard not finding it disgusting, repugnant and completely selfish. There is no need for me to discuss that.

 

Now just wait a second. You open a thread which you call

 

I DON'T GET IT.

 

You make a claim that people are saying that a WS should NEVER tell (that's like never ever, which is under no circumstances) their BS about an A.

 

And now you say there is NO NEED TO DISCUSS circumstances where people argue they shouldn't tell because you find them disgusting, repugnant and selfish.

 

So, You do get it? and you aren't really interested in knowing why?

 

 

Here are two real life (LS) examples of WS's one who chose not to tell and the other who wished she had:

 

1. It was his sister. It happened once while he was in africa helping her with volunteer work living in a hut together. Her sister was doing Mother Teresa work, and she died of cancer or malaria or whatever shortly after. The WS didn't see why he should drag his sister in law through the mud especially when she was not alive to answer to the issue.

 

2. A WS told her husband about a ONS she had with some buddy. He promptly left the house, went to his buddy, and beat his skull to a pulp. His buddy lay in a coma in the hospital, the husband went to prison, and the WS is at home without work with 3 kids. She knew her BS would act badly, that he was prone to this kind of anger management issues.

 

You can dig into those examples if you like but it's going to take serious twisting around the essentials to convince anyone that those are disgusting, repugnant, and selfish reasons not to tell a BS.

 

But seriously: Why open a thread if you are not willing to entertain anyone's opinion but your own?

[Hope Shimmers]

I was voicing my opinion based on the observations of this site and one other I frequent. I do not have a hard time believing it. I read it. I have a hard not finding it disgusting, repugnant and completely selfish. There is no need for me to discuss that.

 

You are entitled to your opinion, but if you truly feel that there is no need for you to discuss the topic, why did you start a thread about it? This is a discussion forum so that's exactly what these threads are for. We discuss things from different perspectives and with differing opinions.

[drifter777]

I wish I didn't know about my wife's cheating. In my case this was not an option - it was flaunted in my face - so there is nothing she or I could have done different with regard to finding out.

 

I wish I could selectively remove that part of my brain where those memories are stored. Of course I can't do this. I also cannot un-know what I know and she cannot unscrew the guys she screwed. The damage cannot be undone. But if there had been any way she could have hidden it from me, I wish she would have done it. Even if she just said "get out, we're divorcing" and THEN began to date & screw OM it would have been fine with me. Its the betrayal, the completely selfish, uncaring attitude she showed toward me, and it's the crushed ego of having my wife cheat and then taking her back for another chance. Any way that I could have avoided the knowledge of her cheating sounds great to me.

[WasOtherWoman]

I am probably going to really present a point of view that no one agrees with but...

 

I am happy. I have been married to my husband for 15 years, he is an awesome husband, partner, friend and lover. He has not once, not ever, let me down. He treats my mother and my family as though they were his own. Nothing is too much trouble, too expensive, too far to travel for him as far as I am concerned. I have a life that most women can only dream about.

 

As far as I know, I am not, nor have I been a BS in this marriage. But.... if I were, or ever become one, there are circumstances under which I definitely would prefer not to know. If he had a ONS, or a short term affair, if he wasn't in love with someone else or leaving me? Please, spare me. I wouldn't want to know.

 

Probably not the mainstream feeling on the board, but there it is...

[dichotomy]

As other mentioned....The hypothetical extremes - short term affair in a vacuum kind of thing - like a drunken ONS, out of town, with a stranger, extreme guilt and remorse, no contact possible with AP, other wise perfect marriage (all amazing sex and love)....maybe I don't want to know... or I suppose... tell either.

 

But how often does this kind of example of an affair ever happen ?

 

Otherwise I want to know. I mean if it was still a ONS but with someone close by or in contact with her or us (neighbor, friend, coworker) I would want to know. But these days my reaction or response might not be what would be expected if I did find out, but thats the subject for another thread.

[ForeverTainted]

As other mentioned....The hypothetical extremes - short term affair in a vacuum kind of thing - like a drunken ONS, out of town, with a stranger, extreme guilt and remorse, no contact possible with AP, other wise perfect marriage (all amazing sex and love)....maybe I don't want to know... or I suppose... tell either.

 

But how often does this kind of example of an affair ever happen ?

 

Otherwise I want to know. I mean if it was still a ONS but with someone close by or in contact with her or us (neighbor, friend, coworker) I would want to know. But these days my reaction or response might not be what would be expected if I did find out, but thats the subject for another thread.

 

I don't think these affairs are hypothetical extremes. At least not anymore than "they always do stuff with the guy they won't do with you". Or what not. Thse sort of cheating scenarios happen a lot. I would say a lot never get found out or confess or wind up on the internet.

 

Personally, i believe being fully honest is best. But I am not a bigot in this area and therefore allow that it isn't a black and white issue and we won't all agree. And not in a simple only cheaters believe in keeping it a secret and true BS would want to know.

[goodyblue]

I have no response to this, but unless you have actually directly spoken to her, I do not believe this to be possible.

 

But I wish you well, and for your sake, I truly hope it was all her fault, because otherwise, these problems repeat.

 

As I said, I have proof, but nothing I'll bring up here. I certainly don't think it's all her fault. I acknowledge that he of course played a part.

 

And as I also said, there has been therapy on our end. Not hers.

 

Thank you for being kind.

[Hope Shimmers]

As other mentioned....The hypothetical extremes - short term affair in a vacuum kind of thing - like a drunken ONS, out of town, with a stranger, extreme guilt and remorse, no contact possible with AP, other wise perfect marriage (all amazing sex and love)....maybe I don't want to know... or I suppose... tell either.

 

But how often does this kind of example of an affair ever happen ?

 

Otherwise I want to know. I mean if it was still a ONS but with someone close by or in contact with her or us (neighbor, friend, coworker) I would want to know. But these days my reaction or response might not be what would be expected if I did find out, but thats the subject for another thread.

 

Hypothetical extremes? I would bet that those types of affairs that you listed happen very frequently, especially the one-night stands or short-term ones when there was no love involved. I would even not be surprised if they happen more frequently than the longer ones involving more emotions.

 

Most people here at LS seem to want to know, no matter what. But clearly, from the replies, there are even people here who would prefer not to know, and I would bet that there are more of them proportionally who are not here (because if they don't want to know about an affair, they aren't going to seek out an affair forum -- population bias).

 

I used to think I would want to know no matter what, but after a lot of thought, there are situations where I too would prefer not to know.

[dichotomy]

Hypothetical extremes? I would bet that those types of affairs that you listed happen very frequently, especially the one-night stands or short-term ones when there was no love involved. I would even not be surprised if they happen more frequently than the longer ones involving more emotions.

 

Most people here at LS seem to want to know, no matter what. But clearly, from the replies, there are even people here who would prefer not to know, and I would bet that there are more of them proportionally who are not here (because if they don't want to know about an affair, they aren't going to seek out an affair forum -- population bias).

 

I used to think I would want to know no matter what, but after a lot of thought, there are situations where I too would prefer not to know.

 

You could be right.

 

I can only go on what I know from family and acquaintances and here on LS.

 

Perhaps then the only ones discussed here are more involved ones that are caught more easily and involve weeks, months, years. emotions, connections and with people they know well.

 

Never seen much (if any) people coming to tell "my husband had a ONS at business conference with a sales booth girl!" but maybe because those are not found out I guess -or confessed - which is kind of back to point.

 

You bring and interesting view on not wanting to know - I would want to know only so I could make choices - and they may be something different than divorcing or reconciling at this stage in my life and marriage - but thats a different take on wanting to know.

[SunshineToday]

 

As far as I know, I am not, nor have I been a BS in this marriage. But.... if I were, or ever become one, there are circumstances under which I definitely would prefer not to know. If he had a ONS, or a short term affair, if he wasn't in love with someone else or leaving me? Please, spare me. I wouldn't want to know.

 

Probably not the mainstream feeling on the board, but there it is...

 

I respect your opinion but that is an easy thing to say until it actuàlly happens to you.

 

I can be onboard with not telling if the affair is long over. And the WS has changed their behavior. Or a long forgotten ONS.

But for 2 people to actively conceal an ongoing affair, they are robbing the BS of control of his/her own life and their own future. You can't make solid life choices when you are being deceived and lied to on a daily basis.

[peaksandvalleys]

Now just wait a second. You open a thread which you call

 

I DON'T GET IT.

 

You make a claim that people are saying that a WS should NEVER tell (that's like never ever, which is under no circumstances) their BS about an A.

 

And now you say there is NO NEED TO DISCUSS circumstances where people argue they shouldn't tell because you find them disgusting, repugnant and selfish.

 

So, You do get it? and you aren't really interested in knowing why?

 

 

Here are two real life (LS) examples of WS's one who chose not to tell and the other who wished she had:

 

1. It was his sister. It happened once while he was in africa helping her with volunteer work living in a hut together. Her sister was doing Mother Teresa work, and she died of cancer or malaria or whatever shortly after. The WS didn't see why he should drag his sister in law through the mud especially when she was not alive to answer to the issue.

 

2. A WS told her husband about a ONS she had with some buddy. He promptly left the house, went to his buddy, and beat his skull to a pulp. His buddy lay in a coma in the hospital, the husband went to prison, and the WS is at home without work with 3 kids. She knew her BS would act badly, that he was prone to this kind of anger management issues.

 

You can dig into those examples if you like but it's going to take serious twisting around the essentials to convince anyone that those are disgusting, repugnant, and selfish reasons not to tell a BS.

 

But seriously: Why open a thread if you are not willing to entertain anyone's opinion but your own?

 

 

I have no need to discuss that I find cheating repugnant, disgusting and completely selfish. I am not sure how you read my statement but that is what I meant. Again, I was using what I read to voice an opinion. You have every right to state yours. I have every to not only disagree but every right to not want to take any other that I do not agree with into consideration. You also have that right. I am not in the business of entertaining adults.

[peaksandvalleys]

Peaks, I was under the impression you'd left your marriage? Am I mistaken?

 

No you aren't mistaken. You are correct.

[AlwaysGrowing]

To me...the bottom line is....do I have the right to withhold information from another adult that gives them a clearer picture of their reality?

 

If I am the one that is doing the betraying is it fair that I now put myself in the role "doing what is best for you"' when clearly my recent actions have shown that I do not? Can I really be unbiased? Do I have the right to force my own values (you should forgive/move on from an affair) upon another?

 

Do we each not have the right to have our own life values? And if.... a ONS is a dealbreaker to me, do I not have the right to know? Or should the spouse who had the ONS be the only person who gets to have their voice/values heard?

 

Where is the line? At what point....do our own values/views supercede the values of others? And should they ever?

 

How can the very person/s involved in the act of betrayal be the best person/s to go to for the ethical questions such as tell/not tell?

 

For me....they gave up the right to act as a trustee the second they crossed the line to betrayer of said person.

[peaksandvalleys]

Do you find it disgusting, repugnant and selfish when a woman refuses her husband's advances for years? I don't mean this sarcastically. I really want to know. The affair is all these things. To the one it hurts. To the ones involved it sometimes (not all the time, but once in a while) it is a new lease on life. FINALLY, some feeling in the world.

 

I agree it is better to just leave, but beyond that... would you expect a person to stay in a marriage with a person who would not have an intimate relationship?

 

That wasn't what I was thinking about when I posted this thread. I am sure that is possible. My opinion of lying to someone has not changed. I feel if you need a new lease on life you don't leverage someone else's choices and future to get it. Just the way I do business. That was not my situation so I have no experience with what you are asking.

[peaksandvalleys]

You are entitled to your opinion, but if you truly feel that there is no need for you to discuss the topic, why did you start a thread about it? This is a discussion forum so that's exactly what these threads are for. We discuss things from different perspectives and with differing opinions.

 

see the post to the other guy.

[drifter777]

I respect your opinion but that is an easy thing to say until it actuàlly happens to you.

How would it actually happen to her if she never knew it happened to her?

 

I think what you are saying is that if she knew she was a BS that she wouldn't say she didn't want to know. Maybe that's true, but we're talking about a hypothetical situation and we can only comment on it based on who we are today. Even a year ago I would have said I would want to know but now, after thinking about it for a while, I have changed my mind. Ignorance is bliss - not knowing would lift a huge burden from me.

 

Does anyone watch True Blood? If you do then you'll know what I mean when I say I wish this memory could be "glamored" out of me.