The switch

[Crila16]

Ok. So every time I meet a guy, they start out chasing and being so nice, attentive and normal, putting me on a pedistal. It's not even over the top chasing or anything. Just normal They call when they say they will, they share personal stories about themselves, they ask about my day, want to meet my friends and family…etc. They just seem like they’re all decent.

 

 

 

It’s like a switch though. Once I have an internal conversation with myself (usually it’s always no less than 3 months into the relationship), I sit there and say to myself “I feel so lucky. I have an amazing guy that I’m dating. He’s different from the other guys, is so good to me, is an upstanding man…and makes me feel so happy. I think I’m starting to really like him.”

 

 

It never fails. The minute I say to myself that I think I’m starting to like him… the guys starts changing and pulling away. I don’t even have to say it to the guy I’m dating for him to start pulling away...and I don't ever chase when they pull away. I let them go...and they always just go and disappear.

 

 

 

Is it just me or does this happen to other people, because I’m starting to feel like I’m cursed or something?

[Ajen]

Have you ever thought that maybe they want to be chased? Think of the feeling you have when some wants you, maybe they don't get that feeling when they are with you day to day. I obviously don't know you so have no idea how affectionate you are so take the above with a pinch of salt but everyone wants to be wanted.

 

 

The other thing I would mention and again I may be wrong here, but do you really like them? Surely if you really liked them you would chase a bit. Maybe it hasn't worked out because deep down you know subconsciously that they are not the ones for you.

 

 

If it happens again maybe chase...

 

 

And yes it has happened to me, but I chased and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't.

[TXGuy]

Ajen makes a good point. Relationships go through cycles.

(Sprinkle 'generally' throughout the text below)

In the beginning, the guy has to come on strong to get the woman's attention and affection. He will be putting in a disproportionate amount of effort. Once that affection is captured, men will relax a bit and expect the woman to start putting some effort into the relationship.

 

If you are expecting the man to continue to put ~90% of the effort into the relationship indefinitely, most will walk away thinking it is not worth it.

 

From what I've seen, men put in most of the effort in the beginning until things get comfortable. Then the woman will step up her effort until things are more equal (men generally still doing more).

[salparadise]

TXGuy and Ajen make some good points. I would add that if you're thinking about this whole dance as a chase, a one-way deal––and your words would lead one to think that––then it's possible that you frustrate these guys so much with your resistance that they never form a genuine attachment, and possibly even develop some resentment. They continue to chase because of the investment and challenge, but once you relent and are ready to settle in they're just done. Not saying this is it, just a possibility.

 

I had an experience not so long ago where I let a woman know I was interested and began to pursue. She resisted in ways that I found somewhat distasteful. Finally, I called her up 2 days before a date we had agreed to a week prior and told her that if she wanted to cancel I was fine with it––essentially, I told her I'd reached the point of being over it, ready to just quit. She got the message and we ended up having a pretty nice relationship. The fact is, I was ready to quit.

 

Instead of thinking of it as a "chase" think of it as a dance where the guy leads but you match his steps and keep the rhythm too.

 

But here is the point... during that early phase while he's chasing, think of it as your opportunity to build rapport, respect and connection. If that doesn't happen, well... it may not turn into a relationship. I don't have enough info to say precisely what's going on, but I do know that sometimes women take that chase thing too far and I lose interest.

[MrMeh]

I love chasing. I become exhilarated and like making the girl feel special, but if she doesn't reciprocate after my countless genuine compliments, then I back off. Being on the lower end of the seesaw gets depressing.