Age gap and baggage in romance ...

[prncssfce9]

Well, I'm not exactly sure why I am doing this. A friend of mine uses this site and told me about it and thought it may be a good idea for me. I wasn't exactly sure what "forum" I belonged to ... but romance seemed general enough. Although now that I think about it "romance" is the one aspect of my life that I don't generally question.

 

I have been with my current boyfriend for almost two and half years. I love him soo deeply, and I don't question that at all. I am happy with him, and he seems to be one of the few things in my life that does make me happy. I have this tendency to stress out easily and get worked up over little things ... it runs in the family though, we are all crazy!

 

The thing with my situation is that other people see more issues than I do. See my boyfriend is 11 years older than me. Which in and of itself I don't think too many people are worried about. I am very mature for my age ... and that isn't my opinion so much as that is what I have been told. I think what worries people more is the fact that he was previously married and has a child. Not only that but following his divorce his life went sour. He ruined his credit, drank himself into a stupor and has only recently began to pull himself back into "real life". He has spent the last couple of years trying to make up for the two years he wasted away ... but let's face it a lot of damage can be done in two years, and by God he caused himself a lot of trouble! I am only slightly forgiving of all this because I have witnessed numerous people let their lives fall apart for much less ... and while I know very well that he made a series of BAD decisons that led to the divorce (the marriage being the first of them) I still have a small part of me that almost understands.

 

We have talked about getting married, and I truly believe that we will. However, I am wary about marrying him while his life is still so messy. He is still, 4 years after his divorce, settling his visitation rights. His ex-wife is somewhat unreasonable and thinks that her new husband (the man she left him for) should be their daughters father because ... well because that is what she wants. It's a big mess and I hate it for him. But I feel that is more important for him to sort out than marrying me! His daughter will only be young for so long, and I would hate for him to miss out on time with her because he was preoccupied with me! He wants so badly to see her more than he does .. right now he sees her only every other Sunday from 10am to 7pm. This was the temporary order entered until their court date ... a court date he has been waiting over a year for!! I just think that is more important. I don't understand why people think I should hurry up and marry him! Or on the other side not be with him at all because he has "too much baggage". That line comes from my mother most often ... but that is to be expected I suppose, if she wasn't concerned I'd probably have hurt feelings ... I've deviated from topic now ....

 

So, perhaps my "romance" IS in fact something I think about ... or at the very least could use some feedback on. I am happy, that I am sure of ... but why then do I feel like I need other people's opinion? Maybe everyone is insecure a little bit about everything. Maybe I'm just being cautious given the result of so many of my friend's relationships/marriages? Or I could just have far too clear understanding of the statistical probability that this relationship will end to have delusions that I am some how in that small percent of people that have successful marriages?

 

Anyone care to make sense of the perplexities of my brain????

[westernxer]

You've been with him for a while now... if he truly makes you happy then so be it. You don't have to get married right away just to fulfill other people's expectations. Do it when you both feel you're ready for it.

 

The visitation issue sounds like a nightmare, and he's very lucky to have your support. You're very thoughtful about him spending time with his daughter and sorting things out with his ex concerning her.

 

It's a big mess and I hate it for him. But I feel that is more important for him to sort out than marrying me!

 

I think you just answered your own question.

 

Just don't let anyone make your decisions for you, least of all family. They mean well, but you have to look after your own well being, too.

 

(My brother has the same problem with his ex, as does his second wife with hers... sometimes it really stresses them out. They're dealing with it, but I don't think they gave it much consideration when they chose to get married so quickly. Oh well, to each his own.)

[d'Arthez]

Life is complex. Let a fool take a look at it:

 

You love your boyfriend deeply. Don't doubt your love for him. Nor doubt his love for you.

 

It seems that your bf had gotten himself in a lot of trouble. He is still sorting his mess out. And you are willing to wait until he has sorted this mess out. Of course it is important that he takes steps to do so. He does. He does and that is what is vital.

 

Where are you? As you clearly indicated it is not a matter of life and death for you to get married to him. So:

 

Don't get married now, and let him sort out his mess. Cleaning his mess will cost a lot of money, but so would a big wedding, if that is what you were hinting at.

 

Marriage is not going to change how he feels about you. Nor how you feel about him.

 

If you focus on getting a decent visitation, he'll be a much happier dad for his daughter, and it will improve your happiness too.

 

If he has sorted out his mess, you can always get married.

[Mary3]

I think its wonderful that you are both in love with each other but I would do a retake on the marraige part ( at least for now )

Why ?

Because : When you marry him you marry his Credit, his driving record, and any problems him or regarding his x wife ect...meaning his bad credit becomes YOUR bad credit , his driving record will raise your insurance premiums just by the simple fact that the insurance company considers the 2 drivers in the house. ( Not saying he has a bad record but that if he does ....)

 

Should you marry him ? Eventually Yes.. but let his credit clear up , and let him work out his child custody issues.

That way you both start fresh

[prncssfce9]

Well, I do indeed thank all of you for the advice!! I had no idea I would get such a responce already ... I do want to clear some things up though

 

First and foremost .... I was in NO WAY implying that I wanted a big expensive wedding. In fact it is just the opposite. Quite frankly I would be happy with a trip to the court house when we decide to get married .... also, it has been MY idea to not get married yet. My resoning for the anti-wedding attitude is simple. I decided a few years ago, after listening to yet another person talk about how their marriage was failing, that people do not take marriage seriously anymore. This person, in particular spend $20k on her wedding three years earlier. All I could think as I listened to her talk about her upcoming divorce was ... "if you had put HALF the effort into planning your MARRIAGE that you put into planning your WEDDING you probably wouldn't be getting a divorce now"

 

Perhaps that is cold on my part, but that is how I feel .... forgive me if I hurt anybody's feelings for that was not my intention. It is simply my reasoning for not wanting a big wedding ...

 

Secondly, Mary3, it's almost like you know me!! He does have credit problems, a VERY bad driving record and owes A LOT of money everywhere. This is the "mess" I was referring to. I was quite surprised that you knew so well the situation ... perhaps you've been there?? Just a guess.

 

Finally ... I am very happy with him. I love him soo much there are not even words that would do justice to it. I'm glad to find people that can actually support that regardless of a large age gap. Thank you all again .... and keep it coming!!

[d'Arthez]

I took at as if you had to make the decision concerning problems as if you had limited cash available and had to chose between the various possibilities. Hence I wondered if you'd prefer a big wedding. In no way I was offended by your reasoning.

 

But your answer on the questions of marriage and wedding, also provide the answers you need. Focus first on the other issues. I think most of all on his daughter's vistitation. Of course don't neglect the other issues, as Mary3 has pointed out. Issues you had even suggested in your original post.

 

The age thing is not any concern. It's hard when your mother makes trouble about this. But consider, and I hope it is helpful for you with regards to your mother.

 

It is not about how old he is, it is about how mature you are. Read your original post. For someone who is considered too young by her mother for this relationship, you were able to word the issues very well. And it is not about the amount of bagage. Some people can carry a lot, and some barely a thing at all. Your bf is not spending his time being miserable about himself, he is acting to do something about his mess.

 

Sure it is true, he got himself into a mess. That can possibly be caused by the divorce and the visitation situation of his daughter. The thing is, that the more he was involved with his daughter's life, the more he went missing it. Same can be said of his ex-wife. He might have really loved her, but if he was replaced during the marriage, or during the separation stages for example, that is a big blow. Sometimes it is true for men and women, that they have to hit rockbottom, to be able to get up, and fight to get their life back on track. That's when strength of character comes to show. If he were lacking that he would still be in the dumps.

[Mary3]

Love him to pieces ! Just dont marry him ( yet )

 

I dont want to put a wet towel in the mix here but if you could put your love aside for a minute and take a clear look at what will be YOUR FUTURE with this man regardless if you marry him or just keep his as your boyfriend.

 

I mean he has soo many problems. Not telling you that you should be anything but the wonderful girl you are . Standing beside him... but let me tell you that this could be a long road ahead and have you ever wondered WHY he has soo many problems.

 

They can become your problems..

 

They say love is blind. Can you please take a second look at this man ? He seems soo wonderful but seriously unless he has massive sudden problems , he may just be someone who does not manage things well. Ss this debt and other problems been going on for more than 6 months ?

 

That will be YOUR life...think about it ! Please

[prncssfce9]

Thank you for your concern ... I do appreciate it. And in anwser to your question, yes these problems have been going on for more than 6 months .. but currently they are lingering from when they were caused. His life until his marriage was quite normal. No more than the usual early 20's irresposibility. I've even seen his actual credit report and you can see when and where his life feel apart. All his current problems are, as I said the residual effects of.

 

I have thought about my life with him ... thought very much about it. I feel I'm quite resonable and level headed. I'm not going to do anything that won't be good for me. I have made clear to him that if HE wants a future with ME, then he must first get his finanical situation in order and all these little loose ends cleared up.

 

I may love him deeply, but I am far from blind!! There have been times when, after seeing some stressful situations come to head, I will ask myself if this IS really what I want for myself. I hate how chaotic his life is, and that is why I want so badly for him sort it out.

 

In fact, even IF he gets everthing sorted out and in working order again, I still wouldn't (and have even told him this) marry him without a prenuptual agreement. This is because I don't want his problems to become mine, and he doesn't want that for me either. I have thought aout all this extensivley. I know it os easy to assume that a 23 year old giril wouldn't have put so much thought into something like this ... but I have.

 

Besides ... I'm really in no hurry to get married. Even when we have talked about it, it was casual. I still want to go to law school ... I want to start an advocacy group with a friend of mine. I have big plans ... and I'm happy!! Isn't it important to just be happy??