preraph Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 I think it's completely unrealistic to expect guys to lavish you with affirmations and compliments. That crap happens in books and on soap operas but not in real life except mostly when a guy is lying to you to get in your pants. If you have a man who does what he's supposed to do, I don't see the purpose of telling him you need him to say things. If it doesn't come from him and he doesn't feel comfortable vocalizing and texting compliments back and forth, then even if he gives in and does it, it doesn't mean a thing except that you've probably badgered him into doing it.
Author Gaeta Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 I think it's completely unrealistic to expect guys to lavish you with affirmations and compliments. That crap happens in books and on soap operas but not in real life except mostly when a guy is lying to you to get in your pants. If you have a man who does what he's supposed to do, I don't see the purpose of telling him you need him to say things. If it doesn't come from him and he doesn't feel comfortable vocalizing and texting compliments back and forth, then even if he gives in and does it, it doesn't mean a thing except that you've probably badgered him into doing it. We're not even talking about getting compliments here or words of appreciation. I am talking about him saying a simple 'me too' when I say I am looking forward to seeing him. Just that. Nothing more.
Author Gaeta Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 Does he talk about himself (his experiences, his thoughts, etc.) pretty well during conversation, and does he respond well when you ask questions? Yes, he does talk about himself, his thoughts, dreams, past experiences, he's a good listener too. If I ask questions he answers without trying to look good, he tells the truth.
Supernatural Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 (edited) We're not even talking about getting compliments here or words of appreciation. I am talking about him saying a simple 'me too' when I say I am looking forward to seeing him. Just that. Nothing more. That 'me too' isn't as simple as you may think and I doubt that this is what it's all about. I think this is more about prying for how he always feels because he isn't as open with you, like you are with him. That 'me too' is someone being openly vulnerable and letting their defense down. That simple small 'me too' is kind of huge for you because you are that 'me too'. It weighs about as much as an elephant for you in this relationship. It's like you have that baby on a leash wherever you go with him. Trailing you both like a grim reaper. Waiting. "SOON". You two could have everything in the world. But if he doesn't say 'me too' after you say "I miss you", the relationship is dead. You NEED someone who is more telling of their feelings without being asked. Because that's what you are and you understand that. You don't understand him, even though he is truthful. And not understanding something for you is scary and puts you on too much of an edge. Edited August 13, 2014 by Supernatural 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 That 'me too' isn't as simple as you may think and I doubt that this is what it's all about. I think this is more about prying for how he always feels because he isn't as open with you, like you are with him. That 'me too' is someone being openly vulnerable and letting their defense down. That simple small 'me too' is kind of huge for you because you are that 'me too'. It weighs about as much as an elephant for you in this relationship. It's like you have that baby on a leash wherever you go with him. Trailing you both like a grim reaper. Waiting. "SOON". You two could have everything in the world. But if he doesn't say 'me too' after you say "I miss you", the relationship is dead. You NEED someone who is more telling of their feelings without being asked. Because that's what you are and you understand that. You don't understand him, even though he is truthful. And not understanding something for you is scary and puts you on too much of an edge. That's a great post, thank you. At this point I need to let it unfold further to see if it's his personality or he is just being reserved at the beginning.
FitChick Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Find out if his parents or siblings verbally expressed their feelings. My family never expressed positive feelings, only negative ones. Any displays of affection were almost embarrassing. Yet I managed to change thanks to examples set by my boyfriends over time. Women who need verbal reassurance seem to be most vulnerable to manipulation by insincere men since talk is cheap. 1
BluEyeL Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 IMO, it needs to be a little bit of balance, like with everything else. We need to look for both actions and words, not just one or another. Sometimes it's a case of the guy not being able to verbally express feelings. Some other times it's a case of the guy not wanting to express feelings as he doesn't have any and doesn't want to lead you on/give you hope for the future. You need to find out which one it is. Targeted questions about his experiences with verbal expression of feelings in previous relationships/family will help you figure out which one it is: this is how he is an everything is fine, or he's holding off on purpose because he doesn't want to give you false hope for the future.
Author Gaeta Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Well, he's done it, he has disappointed me. Men always manage to disappoint me so early. He called me at noon. We spoke for 2 minutes, he was cooking lunch and I could not hear him. He said he was gonna eat and call me back. It's 4 pm and he has not called back. We were suppose to get together today but no definite plans on what time and what we would do.
BluEyeL Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Well, he's done it, he has disappointed me. Men always manage to disappoint me so early. He called me at noon. We spoke for 2 minutes, he was cooking lunch and I could not hear him. He said he was gonna eat and call me back. It's 4 pm and he has not called back. We were suppose to get together today but no definite plans on what time and what we would do. That's bad. So it was the latter, he wasn't expressing his feelings because he wasn't into you. I'd say you need to move on. How long have you dated this guy again?
Author Gaeta Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 That's bad. So it was the latter, he wasn't expressing his feelings because he wasn't into you. I'd say you need to move on. How long have you dated this guy again? Then I don't know what 'being into me' means. If you read my thread he was acting into me and giving me constant sustained attention and time. It's new, 2 weeks.
d0nnivain Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Did you try calling him? Maybe he fell asleep.
BluEyeL Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Then I don't know what 'being into me' means. If you read my thread he was acting into me and giving me constant sustained attention and time. It's new, 2 weeks. In my 1.5 years dating career I learned that it's not words OR action. Action has to match words. Sometimes they use the right words and zero action. But it could also be that they do set up dates because they want to get to know you, but don't say the words because they are not sure about you and don't want to lead you on. In any case, I have doubts about this guy based on what you shared. don't cut him off immediately, but if he cancels or simply doesn't follow through take notice and realize it's likely going downhill.
BluEyeL Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 2 weeks...very early. so did you have sex? Talking every day is a bit much. That's a lot of contact. Normally it would be good, but it's too early to call. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 Did you try calling him? Maybe he fell asleep. No I did not try to call him. It absolutely pains me to have to chase him down.
Author Gaeta Posted August 14, 2014 Author Posted August 14, 2014 2 weeks...very early. so did you have sex? Talking every day is a bit much. That's a lot of contact. Normally it would be good, but it's too early to call. No sex, no make out. He initiated all these daily contacts and I enjoyed them. He's a really cool guy. Yesterday he called from his work, he had come across something my daughter would like and he was all excited about it.
Author Gaeta Posted August 15, 2014 Author Posted August 15, 2014 I got dumped, I think. I contacted him, he said he was so sorry he got himself in a tough situation and he can't get out of. I replied 'these things happen'. Later he sent a message saying he needed time with himself, he was tired that everyone around him expected him to solved their problems. He had told me about friends of his getting separated and the lady accused him of being a bad influence on her boyfriend. There was drama about this all last week. Anyway, I went out with someone else and that someone else would like so see me again. Life goes on.
BluEyeL Posted August 15, 2014 Posted August 15, 2014 I got dumped, I think. I contacted him, he said he was so sorry he got himself in a tough situation and he can't get out of. I replied 'these things happen'. Later he sent a message saying he needed time with himself, he was tired that everyone around him expected him to solved their problems. He had told me about friends of his getting separated and the lady accused him of being a bad influence on her boyfriend. There was drama about this all last week. Anyway, I went out with someone else and that someone else would like so see me again. Life goes on. Well, good for you for going on another date and being resilient. I will tell you what I saw wrong in this scenario and what are the lessons (for you and for me too): 1. Words AND actions have to match. One, or the other only is not enough. There is a difference between insincere mushiness and complete detachment/no verbal expression of affection. Moreover, words and actions matching is not even enough!!! Words, actions, AND a good relationship history have to all be there (i.e. history of LTR/engagement/marriage, and no recently divorced men or separated). No wonder such a thing is so hard to find! 2. There was too much contact here IMO. Talking every day can lead to burn out, and is not sustainable on the long term. I went through your posting history and I identify a bit with you, so I wish you good luck!
Author Gaeta Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 To my great surprise he sent me an email tonight. Attached were a bunch of pictures of his fishing trip. He wrote: This is the reason I have not been in touch with you. How should I interpret this?
eleve82 Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 To my great surprise he sent me an email tonight. Attached were a bunch of pictures of his fishing trip. He wrote: This is the reason I have not been in touch with you. How should I interpret this? Maybe you should ask him directly.. its a little weird that he's sending you pictures with a cryptic message and not calling. So he went on a fishing trip n had no phone? What gives?
Author Gaeta Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 I knew he had a fishing trip scheduled. He had delayed it so we could have a date, a date that never happened because he said he needed time alone he was tired everyone looked up to him to solve their problems. I interpreted 'needing time alone' as he is dumping me. I had replied to take care of himself. I thought it was it, we were done.
ascendotum Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 To my great surprise he sent me an email tonight. Attached were a bunch of pictures of his fishing trip. He wrote: This is the reason I have not been in touch with you. How should I interpret this? That maybe you jumped the gun in assuming you were dumped. Maybe he just needed to take a step back from the constant contact + the other drama in his life he spoke of and de-stress by going finishing. Its up to you, but I would not write a guy off over the actions not matching the words just yet, especially if you really liked this guy. Don't assume that when things get a little tough he's going to go awol to fish. If you like him just play it cool and ask him a little about his trip and see how he follows up. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 That maybe you jumped the gun in assuming you were dumped. Maybe he just needed to take a step back from the constant contact + the other drama in his life he spoke of and de-stress by going finishing. Its up to you, but I would not write a guy off over the actions not matching the words just yet, especially if you really liked this guy. Don't assume that when things get a little tough he's going to go awol to fish. If you like him just play it cool and ask him a little about his trip and see how he follows up. I really like him, I would have preferred he gave me a call but for some reasons he picked to email.
HappyLove Posted August 19, 2014 Posted August 19, 2014 He's full of it. He disappeared when he was supposed to call you for a date or follow up. You had to call him! Then later he messaged you saying he needs time for himself. Don't forget the biggest red flag of all which is his friends woman thinks he's a bad influence. Basically he's surprised you've moved on so fast & stopped chasing him so he's sent you a breadcrumb. All this in what 2-3 weeks?!
Author Gaeta Posted August 19, 2014 Author Posted August 19, 2014 He's full of it. He disappeared when he was supposed to call you for a date or follow up. You had to call him! Then later he messaged you saying he needs time for himself. Don't forget the biggest red flag of all which is his friends woman thinks he's a bad influence. Basically he's surprised you've moved on so fast & stopped chasing him so he's sent you a breadcrumb. All this in what 2-3 weeks?! That is interesting, you might be on to something. Maybe he was surprised there was no messages from me waiting. Him using email to contact me, to me, could indicate he was just checking if I would reply. Yes something like 3 weeks.
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