Gaeta Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 So I have been seeing this man a few times. His actions: 1.He organizes dates 2. He calls each and every night no fail, talks till midnight 3. He texts each and every morning when he gets up 4. He delayed a fishing trip so we could have a date before he leaves 5. He inquires about my life, things I like etc. His words: NONE A while ago I said something like 'I am looking forward to seeing you', he replies: OK I gave it a try again today. We have a date tomorrow. He text me morning at 8 a.m. Of course he's tired he kept me on the phone till midnight. I told him to get a strong coffee and I was looking forward to tomorrow. He replied: I don't drink coffee. (gggrrr!!) It's very confusing ! Should I say something?
Els Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 If he is calling you every night and you talk til midnight, and he asks about your life and things you like... how is it that you consider his words NONE? Is it because he is not saying specific words that you want to hear? 4
Author Gaeta Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 When I tell him I am looking forward to seeing him he never says 'me too'. He says OK, or continue talking as if he had not noticed or heard I said it.
Snakechammah Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 Aww... frankly, I like that kind of guy! Not too mushy but shows his love (and responsibility) through actions! I don't see what the problem is. It's better than the other way around! Enjoy him! 2
Fondue Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 He probably avoids getting all lovey-dovey in the very beginning. He probably doesn't feel comfortable with talking about "looking forward" to XYZ/dates/future/etc., and he probably gets weird about "missing you," or whatever. I'm the same exact way. Sometimes it just feels weird to try and force yourself to say certain things that don't feel natural to you. I am not a natural when it comes to talking about looking forward to things or anything of that nature. I feel like he's definitely courting you. His actions are displaying strong interest. Calling nightly and texting you in the morning? He's dedicated. 4
Zippy2000 Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 My God woman! lol. Of course its his actions. Its what he does that makes things happen. He`s a man. I m a man too. Not all of us like flirty messages or intimate messages. We`re men. Some of us like to act like a man. You know. Be in control. Any mushiness like that puts us possibly into the friend zone. Condiser it this way. He says all the right things but he: 1. Does NOT organizes dates 2. Does not call every night. 3. Doesnt text you when he says but randomly 4. Cancels dates to do his own things or with the "lads" Think about it and stop analysing. lol 12
MGX Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 So I have been seeing this man a few times. His actions: 1.He organizes dates 2. He calls each and every night no fail, talks till midnight 3. He texts each and every morning when he gets up 4. He delayed a fishing trip so we could have a date before he leaves 5. He inquires about my life, things I like etc. His words: NONE A while ago I said something like 'I am looking forward to seeing you', he replies: OK I gave it a try again today. We have a date tomorrow. He text me morning at 8 a.m. Of course he's tired he kept me on the phone till midnight. I told him to get a strong coffee and I was looking forward to tomorrow. He replied: I don't drink coffee. (gggrrr!!) It's very confusing ! Should I say something? LOL! He probably is a man of few words and not very verbose. He is a DOER, not a BS person. I think you have a good thing going. 6
Author Gaeta Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 Yeah, but I feel stupid when I am left hanging after I said I am looking forward to seeing him lol. So I guess I am going to pretend I did not notice he ignored my 'looking forward'. By the way 'looking forward to seeing you' is the only mushy thing I ventured to say to him.
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 His actions are screaming good things. Start listening with your heart & not your ears. He's already head & shoulders above everybody else you have complained about on here. As he gets more comfortable give him some gentle pointers about how to respond to you in a way you like more. It took me 2 years to "teach" my husband how to address a card. He used to just sign his name. No Dear D0nnivain, no Love, husband, not even a date. Just his name. Made me crazy. His own mother told me to leave him alone about it because that is "just the way he is." Slowly but surely, I got him to write out the card. Things like this don't happen over night. Don't throw away an otherwise good guy because you don't like the way he texts. 6
longjohn Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 I'd say his actions are spot on, sounds like he's very interested in you. Although not quite able to show that in words, at least not yet? Maybe that'll change. I had the opposite problem recently where the lady would say all the right things however her actions brought me to the conclusion she wasn't as interested as she claimed. 1
Author Gaeta Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 Thank you for pointing how important those actions are. So if he is not very verbal does that also mean words like 'looking forward' make him uncomfortable? I should avoid saying these things and try it later? Also, he does ask for feedbacks like after a date he'd call and ask if I enjoyed myself. I would answer yes very much, then I'd ask him if he'd enjoyed himself and he can't answer yes, he answered he had declined tickets to a rock concert to come to home depot with me.
d0nnivain Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 Most non-verbal guys like women who can talk. They are terrified of the silences & saying the wrong things so they are happier to sit back & listen to you. 1
Zippy2000 Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 I think what your looking for is "verbal nods", and "acknowledgement" to confirm what you have said. We use the terms above as I work in a call centre. He just communicates differently but you know what they say. *"If he`s into you....He`ll make it happen" And he`s making it happen through is actions. *Quote from the film ironically named "He`s just not that into you" 1
preraph Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 He sounds great to me. He doesn't want to play text tag with you all effing day and night because it's boring.
MissBee Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 When I tell him I am looking forward to seeing him he never says 'me too'. He says OK, or continue talking as if he had not noticed or heard I said it. This would annoy me. Bring it up the next time you see him. Simply ask casually "Hey come come when I see I look forward to seeing you etc..you never respond in kind?" This is weird. One need not be mushy to say they look forward to seeing you. Actions are of course important and what the phrase means is talk is cheap so don't get caught up in words without anything behind it...it doesn't mean that words never matter. A man who cannot express his feelings is a frustrating thing to deal with especially for a woman who needs words of confirmation as well. My bf shows he cares in words and actions. I appreciate both. I've had lavish words only and that didn't do. But I couldn't stand someone who never says anything or worse even when I initiate it they don't reply. That could point to some weird emotional block.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 A man who cannot express his feelings is a frustrating thing to deal with especially for a woman who needs words of confirmation as well. My bf shows he cares in words and actions. I appreciate both. I've had lavish words only and that didn't do. But I couldn't stand someone who never says anything or worse even when I initiate it they don't reply. That could point to some weird emotional block. I agree. Pay attention to this kind of thing moving forward. It likely won't be the last time you feel that something is off because of the way he communicates (or does not communicate). I've learned that the quiet, stoic type doesn't do it for me. I need some verbal expression of affection, playfulness, romance. Without it, I feel that something essential is missing. 2
MissBee Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 I agree. Pay attention to this kind of thing moving forward. It likely won't be the last time you feel that something is off because of the way he communicates (or does not communicate). I've learned that the quiet, stoic type doesn't do it for me. I need some verbal expression of affection, playfulness, romance. Without it, I feel that something essential is missing. My ex-boyfriend would say stuff to me like "You're pretty...but don't expect me to tell you all the time." He was the stoic type but in reality the phrase above and other stuff I can't remember offhand should have warned me that he had certain problems with expressing his emotions and showing them freely and made saying sweet things something he rationed, it was so weird. Yes he made dates, yes he took me out and called....but I always felt a little bit empty at how he seemed to ration out compliments or loving words. I remember he even gave me a birthday card that was one of those kinds of dry joking ones you send to friends...not something you'd send to a gf and on Valentine's Day he sent me flowers with a card that said something dry like "Glad to know you" or something weird like that I get that people communicate differently but for me such types of communication doesn't work and foster emotional intimacy over time. And that's alright. No point in dating someone whose communication style aggravates you or leaves you unfulfilled. My current bf makes dates, calls, texts every morning etc and also can compliment and provide loving words. It feels soooo much better and helps me to bond with him more than my previous guy who didn't do that. Things are still new Gaeta, so of course it's not like he is gonna be going over the top but you have a right to bring up your concerns going forward. Dating is about finding a good match not just being glad someone is doing the minimum. 3
mammasita Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 This reminds me of the 5 languages of love - perhaps he just isn't comfortable with words of affirmation. Home | The 5 Love Languages® 2
Ruby Slippers Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 but I always felt a little bit empty at how he seemed to ration out compliments or loving words Same here. No abundance of other good points could make up for the shortage of simple words of sweetness in my last relationship. In the future, I won't bother going past a few dates with a guy who lacks this quality.
TheyCallMeOx Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 What it means to be a "man" is a concept constructed by society. A man can be mushy, or completely shut out of emotion, and it would not make any difference on the fact that he's a man. Some say a man is someone who puts his boots on and trudges through the emotion; some say a man is someone who is willing to trust you and show his vulnerability (cry in front of you), etc is a real man. Actions can speak louder than words, just like money can buy happiness; that's, of course, if you believe it. Some women are perfectly fine with having a man who is in control and all that ****, who don't need words "I love you" in order to know it. However, some women feel that words weigh more than actions. I actually think it's a little bit of both. If you're getting more than the other, and you're not satisfied, you need to ask yourself "am I happy with this man?" He could do everything for you, but just because you pay for a diamond ring doesn't mean you love someone more than someone who buys a sterling silver ring.
SleeplessIn Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 Does he talk about himself (his experiences, his thoughts, etc.) pretty well during conversation, and does he respond well when you ask questions?
maysj18 Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 I feel you, OP. My boyfriend is my best friend, but I'm always asking for more "words". It's not in a nagging way, but you do feel stupid when you say something really sweet or flirty and you get that blank look or something. Is it a huge problem? Absolutely not, but it's engaging and interactive and does make you feel good. As far as my situation go, my boyfriend just doesn't even realize he's doing it.
Supernatural Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 He sounds like a good guy. His actions are great and someone would be totally happy with just that. ....However.... You're the type of woman that needs to hear words back. Otherwise you become self conscious and insecure. It's nothing wrong about either of you, it's just how you're both wired. You need to be appreciated through words and not just action as otherwise your mind spins out of control. You need that little pat on the bum verbally and not just physically. I'm slightly the same way as I am a writer and very creative, so I'm really tuned in to what people say. And if they don't say something... I notice that, especially if I know it's there. If it's all action, good. But I still need the affirmation through verbal confirmation that I am missed. Words are really important to me and they are to you to. Just because his actions are wonderful and many women would die to have that, doesn't mean he's perfect for you. And that's what dating is... Trying to find someone who fits in your world as best as possible. You wrote this post because you feel a lack in some emotional sense that is important to you. Something is wrong for you and not working. Just because 20 people on a dating forum say "stop worrying, you're over analyzing, this or that" it will change something for a short period, maybe make you question your sense of self, for maybe a couple of days... But that piece of you that started this post, will rear it's head again at some point. Because their was always a lack for you. You have a need which isn't being fulfilled. Here is an example... #1) It's your birthday. Your new boyfriend hands you a card. You open it up and it's a hallmark card. On the front there is a chimp wearing a birthday hat holding a balloon, making a silly face. You open the card and it's blank white. On the right side of the card it says "Go Banana's today! Happy B-day!!" and he signs his name "Tim". That's all. His action is still wishing you a happy birthday and that he cares. But a piece of you wishes there was something more, because you would have written something more than what was already printed on the card at the factory. #2) It's your birthday. Your new boyfriend hands you a card. You open it up and it's a piece of paper from the printer. On the front of a simple piece of paper it says your name. You turn the piece of paper over and it says... "Dear Jane, today it's your birthday and you're another year wiser and more beautiful. My last birthday I wished on a candle. The day we met, is the day that wish came true. Happy birthday" You will always choose #2 over #1. Even though the first is still action. Those words are incredibly important to you. 4
thekid36 Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 So I have been seeing this man a few times. His actions: 1.He organizes dates 2. He calls each and every night no fail, talks till midnight 3. He texts each and every morning when he gets up 4. He delayed a fishing trip so we could have a date before he leaves 5. He inquires about my life, things I like etc. His words: NONE A while ago I said something like 'I am looking forward to seeing you', he replies: OK I gave it a try again today. We have a date tomorrow. He text me morning at 8 a.m. Of course he's tired he kept me on the phone till midnight. I told him to get a strong coffee and I was looking forward to tomorrow. He replied: I don't drink coffee. (gggrrr!!) It's very confusing ! Should I say something? I sort of see this issue from two different sides. First of all, so much better than being full of words and empty with actions. So many tend to fall for this. Sounds good at first but then leaves you hanging when the day ends. Yet, I also realize that having the best of both worlds would be the best. Should one be looking to find that extraordinary. It is also very possible to find. Leaves one without a doubt as to how your partner actually feels. Open and honest communication is always what works best. He needs to know that you are totally confused based on his reactions when you speak. You can bring up perhaps in a positive way by thanking him for some of those five things which you mention. So that he knows you do appreciate all he does offer. Try to end the conversation on a high note as well. Sort of like the sandwich method which as educators we use to commuicate with parents. He may not even be realizing that he is failing to acknowledge you all the time when you speak. Remember that it is not his intentions which matter. It is how you interpret things on that end. 1
Under The Radar Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 If your primary love language is "Words of Affirmation" then actions alone will not create a healthy and lasting bond with a romantic partner. Any woman I date would be made aware that is how *I* feel loved and cared for in a long term relationship. That doesn't mean actions don't count ...... of course they do ...... but many people need both. At the end of the day, if the person you are with cannot provide that, then it simply adds up to incompatibility ...... and it's best to walk away.
Recommended Posts