I must confess!!

[Forumsnow]

I joined this forum to share my story of how I cheated on my beloved husband. It has been over a month and I have been reading stories of other people who cheated on their spouses. I do have to admit that it is taking a lot of courage for me write this post and share it amongst you all.

 

First I would like to tell a little about myself, which explains the reasoning behind why I cheated on my husband, whom I love very dearly and I am desperate to have him back. Ever since I was born, I have been bullied, mainly by my relatives, parents and peers. I am a foreign female and in my culture, fair skin, beautiful eyes, tall and slim girls are considered beautiful. I am not fair and neither do I have beautiful eyes like others in my family. As I grew older, my relatives made fun of my skin color, my features and my height. At time age of 11, I immigrated to America and it became very hard for me to adapt to the western culture. I was bullied by my peers in school and it eventually became the reason for my low-self esteem, I lost confidence and I was always desperate to be like my friends, who I thought were so beautiful. When I started college, I noticed strangers were complimenting me, girls would tell me how beautiful my skin color is and many have told me to become a model. Honestly, every time someone said that to me, I felt they were mocking me. My husband confessed to me many times how I am the most beautiful girl he has ever been with, he sees a spark in my eyes and even in the dark, he randomly compliments my eyes. He loves my dark hair, he loves how I am average height and I look perfect standing next to him. He gave me utmost attention and always showered me with roses, cards, my favorite coconut candy, etc. My mother has always favored my brother over me and never loved me like a mother. She randomly abuses me and wishes the worst for me. I have cried about it many times to my husband and he always assures me to let it go and become a stronger person. The truth is that he is my angel. He came into my life and showered me with love, which I was desperate for. He called me his "Princess," and honestly he treated me like one!! What did I do with that? I took him for granted.

 

I met my husband over 4 years ago and we have been married for 2 and half years. I started cheating on my husband a year and half later into our marriage. He showered me with so much love, care and respect and I took it all for granted. All my life, I was desperate for love from my parents, I wanted to "feel" pretty around others, I wanted to be fair like my sister and my friends and I wanted attentions from my spouse like my friends were getting. My husband gave me attention but I wanted him to notice my hair color, my hair style, my new shirts, my make-up (basically I wanted him to be interested in girl talk like my other friends' husbands were). My husband on the other-hand,

worked so hard to teach me what the world is like. He would tell me stories about how to be careful about men, who may take advantage of me. He would advise me to think outside of my girly world. He wanted me to become independent and be responsible. He realized how conscious I was about gaining weight in the future, so he started pushing me to workout now. I basically either were too lazy to listen to him or I ignored him thinking, my husband is always going to be there for me when I need him. I focused more on what my friends were doing so I can compete and become like them. Although my husband would tell me everyday how beautiful I am, I wanted to be like my friends (fair, tall, very slim and popular). So there it was!! I was forbidden by my husband to talk to a guy who was interested in me few years back and we went to same university. About a year and half ago, I started hanging out with his sisters and he started coming around and started giving me the attention, I guess I desired. He would notice every girly thing about me. He was very rude and always compared me to other girls. I started getting mad and I wanted to prove to him that I was better than other girls. That's when I put my husband, my love and my vows aside and started the affair. The affair started with pictures. I sent a few pictures at first but then he started sharing pictures of Victoria Secret models (who wouldn't want to look like them). So I started using those poses and it kept on going. Then around the same time, I met another guy at work, who gave me the same attention that my friends talked about. I started talking to him and shared pictures with him as well. One thing I forgot to mention is that I told both of these guys that I was "single." So my affair was with both guys for a year and with both, I shared pictures and it eventually led to sex with both. The first guy threatened me to have sex with him second and third time and share more pictures. Eventually I told him that my family found out what I had been doing and I was on a gun point. I threatened him back and he stopped contacting me. The affair with the second guy ended in the same month because he said he had found someone and at that time, I had told him that I was with someone as well. However, after a month or so later, he contacted me back and I shared a picture again and after a few days, I got caught by my husband.

 

My husband trusted me fully and he never checked my phone. I got caught about a month and week ago. My husband randomly looked at my phone and started going through my phone and came across a picture. Then he found more pictures and more. I still remember that moment when he was sitting there with my phone in his hand and he was shattered. At first, he only found out about one affair but later he saw more pictures and everything was out in the open. I was shaking! I cried, I begged for forgiveness and I kept on lying to him that I only shared pictures. He cried in front of me. He asked me to tell him the truth and he will forgive me. But I was scared so I kept on hiding that I had sex with both men. I told him I did this because I was selfish. I wanted to be like my friends, who also shared pictures with other men and got a lot of attention. I told him I just did it for the trill and excitement. After that I had to go out of town for work and it was the worst time of our lives. I skyped my husband everyday, we talked on the phone and I could see how he was slowly dying inside. He started having panic attacks. It destroyed my husband mentally, emotionally and physically. About 2 weeks into my husband finding out the truth, he told me that he hired a private investigator and everything will now be revealed. I got really scared and admitted to my husband that I had sex with both men. It completely destroyed him. It crushed him a lot because he now knew that even when I got caught, I lied to him saying I never had sex. My husband started asking me questions everyday, every minute. It drove him crazy. He wanted to know "Why? Why did he do wrong? How can I do this to him?" My husband confessed to me everything he has done wrong in his life, which obviously isn't even comparable to what I did. But he realized I was weak, I was immature, insecure, I was looking to be like my friends and I did this because I was selfish. My husband decided to help me. He asked me to start making changes. He asked me to ask help from a female, whom I can trust so I got in touch with my former boss, who was a marriage counselor a few years ago. Despite the fact that I killed my husband inside, I lost his trust, I broke promises and I shattered him, my husband has been helping me to become a stronger woman.

 

My husband and I are still together, I write to my husband everyday about how much I love him via e-mail, how remorseful I am for what I did, why I want to be with him and what he means to me. I am very very desperate to fix my marriage and get my husband's trust back. At times, my husband breaks down and he can't bear it any longer and he starts questioning me, which eventually drives him crazy. I cry in front of him, I beg him to forgive me and not leave me. My husband has confessed to me many times after the affair that he loves me too much and does not want to let me go. He has been trying very hard to keep me around, he took me for a vacation, he treats me fine but at times, it gets very hard for him because he is an honest and prestigious man. He does not deserve to be with an adulteress woman. I am working very very hard to change myself. I have been practicing positive self-talk, I have been getting help from my former female boss, and I have constantly been praying. My husband is hurt and his trust is shattered. No one has ever hurt him like I did. I am his biggest culprit. I destroyed his life. I want my husband back! I know it's too much to ask for! I can't ever forgive myself. I hate myself and many times, I have thought of taking my own life. My marriage has fallen into so many pieces. I am desperate for my husband to take me back! My husband is trying very hard to start over with me somehow but it has become very difficult for him. One minute he is normal and the next minute, he gets so down. I want to help my husband. I have been answering every question he asks, even if it's the same question over and over. However, overtime, I realized that the more I answer his questions, the worse his condition is getting. At the same time, he demands answers. I am confused. I love my husband to death. I owe him my life. I want his love and trust back!!!

 

P.s. My husband faced both of these men. He beat up one guy who used to threaten me and other one got scared just with words.

 

Thank you for reading this long post!

 

God Bless!!

[jnel921]

First of all it sounds like the reason you cheat is because you don't love yourself. Perhaps you should go to IC to understand how you are destroying your life and your M.

 

It's a shame that it took your H looking through your phone and getting caught for you to be so remorseful. Unfortunetly this is the case for many of us BS here. If we don't dig further, hire PI's, plant recording devices and do all that we've done, we'd never know. Is what our WS up to any good for our M's. No. But the damage is done.

 

Your H sounds like he supported you and thought you were beautiful. Why was that not enough?

 

Every A is different. Because of the length of time and the multiple men be prepared that your H may never get past it and ultimately D you. I think men and women handle their emotions differently when it comes to an A. Honestly this would be a dealbreaker for me. The M would have been too big of a lie to stay.

 

Go get counseling. Your boss can't help you. The person whose love you needed to get validation from was staring back at you in the mirror all along.

 

Good luck to you.

[Bryanp]

This is truly a tragic story. Your husband is a very big man to forgive something like this. You are very lucky. I do hope the both of you have

been tested for STD's. I wish you luck.

[HereNorThere]

If you truly love him, you'll let him go. Otherwise, you're condemning him to a life of torture. You said yourself that you are selfish, so let him go. It will be the most selfless act you have ever done.

 

I've noticed there so much in your paragraphs externalizing all the reasons you cheated, bad childhood, bullied, etc but those are excuses. You did it because you didn't respect your husband and family and he knows this. Hopefully you'll learn from this and your next relationship will be better. I do believe in redemption, but I don't think it's going to happen with your husband now. Sorry, but this one is just too far gone.

[harrybrown]

Perhaps you could write the timeline of your affairs for your H and also tell him why you could hurt him like this and if you thought of him.

 

It does sound like you are remorseful, but you may want to find a way to help him see that you would not cheat on him again.

 

Give him the medical reports of your tests for stds, try to show him your cell and emails. Try to become transparent.

 

I do think IC and MC should be considered.

 

You sent pictures, have you ever sent pictures to your H?

 

Try reading the book about not just friends.

 

It may help to think how you would feel if he cheated on you. Then think of how you would want him to help you, and you could try to help him with the pain.

 

Sometimes, it is good to limit the amount of time discussing the affairs and the pain and make some good memories.

 

Good luck to you, and I do wish you and your H better times.

[ForeverTainted]

If you truly love him, you'll let him go. Otherwise, you're condemning him to a life of torture. You said yourself that you are selfish, so let him go. It will be the most selfless act you have ever done.

 

I've noticed there so much in your paragraphs externalizing all the reasons you cheated, bad childhood, bullied, etc but those are excuses. You did it because you didn't respect your husband and family and he knows this. Hopefully you'll learn from this and your next relationship will be better. I do believe in redemption, but I don't think it's going to happen with your husband now. Sorry, but this one is just too far gone.

 

I don't agree with this. If her husband loves her and wants her then pulling the plug is just showing him she cared so little she wasn't willing to be a better wife. He has chosen to stay and she still loves him so she should be working on herself to be a better person for herself and him.

 

No more trickle truth, no more lies, no more friends with guys or with girls that encourage this sort of behaviour. Be open and honest about everything. Healing takes time but OP you not lamenting and making this all about you will help. Don't tell your husband you want to die. See a doctor about that. Stop apologizing. That just keeps this worse. A heartfelt thank you for giving me a second chance now and again or I am sorry is better than a daily barrage of words. Actions are more important.

 

Will your marriage be saved? None of us know. That depends on you letting go of your desire for validation and your being there for your husband and your husband's feelings and path. This isn't going to go away in a few months.

 

 

But don't be the one to end the marriage. If you love him and are not being abused let that be his choice.

[HereNorThere]

I don't agree with this. If her husband loves her and wants her then pulling the plug is just showing him she cared so little she wasn't willing to be a better wife. He has chosen to stay and she still loves him so she should be working on herself to be a better person for herself and him.

 

No more trickle truth, no more lies, no more friends with guys or with girls that encourage this sort of behaviour. Be open and honest about everything. Healing takes time but OP you not lamenting and making this all about you will help. Don't tell your husband you want to die. See a doctor about that. Stop apologizing. That just keeps this worse. A heartfelt thank you for giving me a second chance now and again or I am sorry is better than a daily barrage of words. Actions are more important.

 

Will your marriage be saved? None of us know. That depends on you letting go of your desire for validation and your being there for your husband and your husband's feelings and path. This isn't going to go away in a few months.

 

 

But don't be the one to end the marriage. If you love him and are not being abused let that be his choice.

 

You can love someone, but that doesn't mean they're a good person. A lot of times we long for the idea of who we thought a person was, but he will have to decide whether or not he can be married to who she really is. Honestly, I really, really doubt his head is on straight enough to make a choice right now. These type of choices should be made long before you enter a relationship with a person, but it's too late now.

 

Changing personalities takes intensive therapy and a long, long term commitment to care. Even then, I think once someone has shown they are capable of such horrendous actions, there's no way to ever look at them the same way again. Do you want to have kids with someone capable of this? Do you want your mother and father to have a son or daughter in law capable of this? The decisions affect every facet of your life. Spouses make life or death decisions about your life and the last thing you want is someone who behaves this way to be responsible for your life or death.

[ForeverTainted]

You can love someone, but that doesn't mean they're a good person. A lot of times we long for the idea of who we thought a person was, but he will have to decide whether or not he can be married to who she really is. Honestly, I really, really doubt his head is on straight enough to make a choice right now. These type of choices should be made long before you enter a relationship with a person, but it's too late now.

 

Changing personalities takes intensive therapy and a long, long term commitment to care. Even then, I think once someone has shown they are capable of such horrendous actions, there's no way to ever look at them the same way again. Do you want to have kids with someone capable of this? Do you want your mother and father to have a son or daughter in law capable of this? The decisions affect every facet of your life. Spouses make life or death decisions about your life and the last thing you want is someone who behaves this way to be responsible for your life or death.

And if he was here then you could tell him that or perhaps she should show him. But believe me as someone who cheated. There isn't always a tell. If she plans to cheat again or doesn't take responsibility (which she has) then she coild consider leaving. But she should give him time to decide this and be there for him.

[thummper]

You cheated on a loving and beloved husband because a couple of low-lifes paid you a few compliments? Pretty shallow, honey. Had you been my wife, you'd no longer BE my wife. Your remorse may be a little too late, but I do wish you well.

[No Limit]

You'll never get his trust back, ever. Good luck anyway.

[Chi townD]

Unreal. REALLY?!?! I can never understand why people choose to screw up a good thing. You had a fantastic man that would go to the very gates of hell for you. And you destroyed this man for your own selfish and personal gratification. The thing is, and what makes it worse, is he happened to stumble across it. Had he not looked at your phone, I speculate you had no intention of stopping what you were doing. You would still be screwing this other guy. It's only after you were caught did the gravity of what you could lose came crashing down around you. So, I have a feeling that you are more sorry that you were caught rather than having your affairs. You might try to tell me otherwise, but your actions speak louder. You carried on an affair with two men for over a year without any true guilt or remorse. Because, if you did have any, you wouldn't have been going back to them.

 

 

Uggh...okay, what's done is done. You're damn lucky he wants to stick around and try to work with you on this. And pay attention to the word TRY! There's no guarantee that he's going to stay. He may, one day, come home from work and tell you he's done. He can't do this anymore and leave. And you can't do much about it. You were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat on him. He's in the driver's seat as far as where this marriage goes. You have no say in the matter.

 

 

You keep saying that you want your marriage back and you want your husband back you want his trust back. Well, here's the rub, that guy isn't coming back, that guy that you once knew is gone forever. Another thing that isn't coming back is the 100% blind trust he had in you. That's gone forever as well. He may be able to gain some trust back in you, but never to the degree he once had. Your husband you once knew is gone. The guy that cherished you and damn near worshiped you; the guy that was proud to have you on his arm as his wife, that guy is gone. Do you honestly think he's proud of you now?

 

 

If you have ANY chance of saving your marriage. You might want to think about doing the following. Right now, your husband is on a ride. It's called the rollercoaster of emotions. This is an actual thing. One minute he's happy, the next he's sad. One minute he's happy, the next he's angry as hell. One minute he's laughing, the next he's crying. One minute he can't see a life without you, the next he's can't stand to look at you and you make him sick. Lot's of up's and downs. And you don't know how long this ride is going to last. But, the question is, are you strong enough to ride it with him?

 

 

Another thing that MIGHT happen is he might want to have sex with you and A LOT OF IT! So, DO NOT deny him if he wants it, he won't be able to handle the rejection and it's going to put him back in healing. This desire to have a lot of sex with you is called hysterical bonding. It's a subconscious, primal and animalistic response to try and "re-claim" what he believes belongs to him. DO NOT mistake hysterical bonding as a sign of forgiveness. Just chalk it up for what it is. Because chances are, it won't be passionate or loving. It will just be sex. So, don't take it as forgiveness.

 

 

You stated that he's asking a lot of questions. And sometimes it's the same questions over and over and over. What's happening here is your husband is probably experiencing something called mind movies. Some people get them and some don't. Sounds like your husband has them. What's happening here is he discovered that you were cheating on him, but he doesn't have all the piece's of the puzzle. He know it happened but he's missing pieces on the what where how and why. So, he doesn't have the complete story. There's missing pieces of data. So, your mind plays and evil trick on you and it starts to fill those missing piece's of data with what HE believes happened. And sometimes, those are worse than what actually happened. So, it drives him nuts, literally insane. So, he's coming to you to fill those gaps rather than having his mind do it for him. So, sorry to say this, if he asks you questions, you answer truthfully. Even if it takes weeks, months or even years! This is your fault that he's like this, therefore, you need to give him what he needs for as long as he needs it.

 

 

As I stated earlier, your actions speak louder. Right now, your husband doesn't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth. You can tell him that you're sorry and that you'll never do this again and that you'll spend the rest of your life making it up to him. All he's hearing is blah...blah...blah.... He has no reason to believe you. So, you need to show him through your ACTIONS. Make him SEE the effort your putting forth. What you can do is be 100% transparent with him. You have no more privacy in your life right now. AT ALL! You write out all your passwords to your email and facebook and all of your social media. You write down your passcode to your phone and you give them to him. He's allow to check all of that stuff anytime he wants. He might say, I don't want to live my life looking over your shoulder. You can turn around and say, you don't have to look if you don't want to. All I'm saying is that you have access if you ever feel you need to. He has a choice.

 

 

Go to the bookstore and buy some book on the subject on healing from affairs. Books like, "He's not your Friend" or "Surviving the affair" and actually read them! Let him SEE that you are reading them. And apply what you've learned to your life. Do small things for him. Cook him his favorite foods to eat. Buy him little things he's been wanting to get. Tickets to his favorite sporting event. He might just take you with him!Make an effort.

 

 

And finally find a marriage counselor. But, not just any old Dr. Phil/ Oprah marriage counselor. You need to find one that specializes in infidelity. The others aren't as practiced in deal with these issues and it could turn out to be that the counselor would blame HIM for your affair. On what HE did or didn't do that caused you to cheat. But the thing is HE didn't do anything wrong. YOU'RE the one that made the decision to cheat. HE had nothing to do with that. A marriage counselor that specializes is going to make you own up to your own sh*t.

 

 

Try those things.

[Forumsnow]

@ Chi townD

 

First, thank for reading and replying to my post. This is my first time sharing something so personal online so I am trying my best to not take everything to heart. You are right that I screwed up something so perfect. I had a perfect man, who was willing to give me everything and demanded nothing in return. I can't express how much remorse and guilt I have inside myself. Your post described exactly what my husband is going through. He is going through a roller coaster of emotions and I am going to ride this roller coaster ride with him. I am willing to do anything for my husband!! I know you may judge me and have an opinion about me as someone who doesn't deserve a second chance. But the truth is, I have only shared what I did to destroy my husband and my marriage. I did not reveal more information for personal reasons.

 

I truly thank you for suggestions of looking into counseling, doing things for my husband that he likes and reading books to apply some things into my life. I am definitely going to do that. Had I known that this act will destroy my husband, I would never imagine such thing. I was so involved in being selfish and seeking for attention that I put everything aside. I love my husband so much and no matter what he decides at the end, I will go above and beyond to fight for him.

[Forumsnow]

I don't agree with this. If her husband loves her and wants her then pulling the plug is just showing him she cared so little she wasn't willing to be a better wife. He has chosen to stay and she still loves him so she should be working on herself to be a better person for herself and him.

 

No more trickle truth, no more lies, no more friends with guys or with girls that encourage this sort of behaviour. Be open and honest about everything. Healing takes time but OP you not lamenting and making this all about you will help. Don't tell your husband you want to die. See a doctor about that. Stop apologizing. That just keeps this worse. A heartfelt thank you for giving me a second chance now and again or I am sorry is better than a daily barrage of words. Actions are more important.

 

Will your marriage be saved? None of us know. That depends on you letting go of your desire for validation and your being there for your husband and your husband's feelings and path. This isn't going to go away in a few months.

 

 

But don't be the one to end the marriage. If you love him and are not being abused let that be his choice.

 

Thank you for your input. I will never be the one to end the marriage no matter what happens. I understand to what extent I have destroyed my husband and my marriage. I am giving my all to change and commit myself to my husband. My husband is going through so much because of me and that hurts me the most. I just can never forgive myself for what I have done. I have excluded myself from everyone and I am focusing on my husband and our marriage. I understand what I did cannot be undone and there is a chance I might do everything right and he will still leave me. But I am all for that! I will give my all till my last breath. I know actions speak louder than words and I have the will to make it happen. Thanks for the suggestions. God Bless!

[Forumsnow]

I don't agree with this. If her husband loves her and wants her then pulling the plug is just showing him she cared so little she wasn't willing to be a better wife. He has chosen to stay and she still loves him so she should be working on herself to be a better person for herself and him.

 

No more trickle truth, no more lies, no more friends with guys or with girls that encourage this sort of behaviour. Be open and honest about everything. Healing takes time but OP you not lamenting and making this all about you will help. Don't tell your husband you want to die. See a doctor about that. Stop apologizing. That just keeps this worse. A heartfelt thank you for giving me a second chance now and again or I am sorry is better than a daily barrage of words. Actions are more important.

 

Will your marriage be saved? None of us know. That depends on you letting go of your desire for validation and your being there for your husband and your husband's feelings and path. This isn't going to go away in a few months.

 

 

But don't be the one to end the marriage. If you love him and are not being abused let that be his choice.

 

You'll never get his trust back, ever. Good luck anyway.

 

I know I shattered him and lost his trust. But I am willing to do anything to earn his trust and love back.

[Forumsnow]

First of all it sounds like the reason you cheat is because you don't love yourself. Perhaps you should go to IC to understand how you are destroying your life and your M.

 

It's a shame that it took your H looking through your phone and getting caught for you to be so remorseful. Unfortunetly this is the case for many of us BS here. If we don't dig further, hire PI's, plant recording devices and do all that we've done, we'd never know. Is what our WS up to any good for our M's. No. But the damage is done.

 

Your H sounds like he supported you and thought you were beautiful. Why was that not enough?

 

Every A is different. Because of the length of time and the multiple men be prepared that your H may never get past it and ultimately D you. I think men and women handle their emotions differently when it comes to an A. Honestly this would be a dealbreaker for me. The M would have been too big of a lie to stay.

 

Go get counseling. Your boss can't help you. The person whose love you needed to get validation from was staring back at you in the mirror all along.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you for your input. Yes I do admit I don't truly love myself. I have been weak and never took my husbands compliments seriously. I felt ugly no matter how beautiful he thought I was. I am admitting everything I have done wrong and I am not running away from criticism. I am changing myself. My goal is to become a brave, strong and do everything in my power to save my marriage and my husband.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Forumsnow

[DKT3]

I know I shattered him and lost his trust. But I am willing to do anything to earn his trust and love back.

 

I'm a BH, I can tell you like others have you can't get his trust back. You can work to gain a level of trust but it will never be what it was. Its like breaking a mirror then putting it back together. It will never be as strong or look the same, but it still works.

[Forumsnow]

I'm a BH, I can tell you like others have you can't get his trust back. You can work to gain a level of trust but it will never be what it was. Its like breaking a mirror then putting it back together. It will never be as strong or look the same, but it still works.

 

Thank you! If I can't get his trust back then I will work to gain a level of trust back. I will do whatever it takes!

[bubbaganoosh]

I have to ask because your never mentioned it but how old are you and your husband because I'm reading this and I see a 15 or 16 year old girl writing this, not an adult.

 

Your husband was right. There are guys out there that are interested in only one thing and that's getting you in bed or the back seat and infidelity happens but in your case, if the guy says one nice thing, your getting undressed.

 

I call bull ***** on this. You have a husband that treats you way better than he should and you still kick him in the teeth so I'm sorry, I can't buy all the reasons that your not a tall 5'8" blonde with legs up to you neck and a body of a Godess and all the other things because if you met a man like your husband who showered you with compliments and treated you like a queen, loved you for just who you are and gave you the respect that he thought you deserved then the last thing you would be interested in is a guy coming at you with his zipper already down and he's at full staff saying that you have a nice smile.

 

You already had that at home from your husband and look here that got him. Nope. When your ready, give the real reason why you did what you did.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've noticed there so much in your paragraphs externalizing all the reasons you cheated, bad childhood, bullied, etc but those are excuses.

 

Have to agree. You've explained how you feel events pointed you in that direction but not why you did it - and did it multiple times. Lots of people from similarly difficult backgrounds don't betray their spouses.

 

Trust would be your husband believing that you wouldn't do...what you've already done. So I'd stop asking for his trust.

 

Forgiveness is another thing. And to me, that takes a lot more work - and self-examination - than you've put in so far. Asking and begging isn't an action plan...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

I know I shattered him and lost his trust. But I am willing to do anything to earn his trust and love back.

 

You can't earn it back, it'll never be the same as it was before.

Not everything can be undone no matter how much you might want it to and no matter how hard you try or want to work on it. Even if he ever gets back to a state where he won't think of it every single day he'll never trust you the way he did before.

 

If you still don't want to understand it, then let's try an experiment.

Take a plate, smash it against the floor and then try to get it back together by will force. If that didn't work, try setting the plate back together with glue. Looks better and less-broken than before, sure, but there are cracks everywhere.