Having a missed connection with my boyfriend of 3 years.

[Attached but lonely.]

Having a missed connection with my boyfriend of 3 years. I'm 24, he's 30.

 

For the record, I'm attractive, slim, smart, and am good to him. The sex is great, he says so, unprompted, all the time. In fact, that may be the only form of validation that he offers freely. Yet, he's always too busy and lately when I invite him over he says he'll "think about it." He doesn't call when he says he will and he isn't sweet and affectionate when he does. I always have to say "I love you" and "I miss you" before he does. So, I've tried friendly communication and tried to bring it up nicely but he doesn't listen. The man is becoming complacent. Or, he must not be "that into me." Haha!!!

 

M, if you're reading this, I think your walking papers are going in the mail very soon.

 

So, is it time for a new one? Any advice, guys and girls? Any wise souls out there? Help please!

[d'Arthez]

Difficult to judge, as more history of the relationship would be required to get a clearer picture (and more valid advice) on your situation.

 

The situation does not seem to hopeful, as he seems to be part of the relationship only for the sex.

 

Can you elaborate a bit more on the history of the relationship? Job status and rough estimates spent on the job.

[Attached but lonely.]

Hi a'Arthez,

 

We've been together 3 years, and half the time he was on the other side of the world. About 6 months into the relationship he moved away. I move there one summer to spend time with him. We've been on and off, it hasn't been a smooth ride, but we care a lot about each other. Not to speak for him, but I know I care about him. He got a new job late last year and works roughly 9am-7pm. He was living with me for about 3 months until he got a new place. He moved out last weekend. I'm a full-time student and also work. While I understand that a person needs a career and his own life outside of a relationship, where do you draw the line between that and feeling neglected?

[d'Arthez]

Attached but lonely, because you are not registered as a user it will take some time for your messages to appear on this board.

 

Why did he move out? Or why haven't you moved in with him?

 

1) If it because of huge travelling distances, it is understandable. But then we are talking about a few hours of added travelling for either you or him, because otherwise you would not even dare to do that. So I assume that it is a LDR.

 

I take it you would be very much upset with him because of the moving out deal. 18 months of a long distance relationship are hard. So when he returns, he makes it another LDR after only 3 months? Makes little sense at all.

 

His career can be very important to him, but if it is, it is also something which will be planned a bit. So he would have told you a long time beforehand (as he is roughly 3 months on the job, probably a few months longer aware where his new job is) that he is going to have a job in whatever city he works. Have the two of you talked about a relocation on your part, your education, and that it maybe could be better for him to wait until you would have finished your education? The awkwardness of the situation?

 

More information is required for me to advice you. However the next couple of questions are pointers to the answers you seek:

Is his career absorbing him almost completely, with little of no chances of better working hours and less working time? If not, could you even be happy with him around from 8.30 pm- 7.30 am, even if living together? Have you discussed when you are going to move in with him?

 

However if you did not talk things over extensively, you are right to feel much neglected.

 

2) If you are still living fairly close to each other he is probably in the relationship for the benefits, for example the sex. Otherwise he would have arranged for a situation in which the two of you lived together. His lack of effort is an expression of that. It would be time to break up with him.

[Attached but lonely.]

Hi d'Arthez,

 

You're right, he's been on the job roughly 3 months plus. He moved out for a couple of reasons:

 

1) our couple's therapist recommended that we needed space,

 

2) he likes living in Manhattan, as opposed to Brooklyn, where I just moved recently.

 

Like I said, it hasn't been a smooth relationship, hence the therapist. When we were living together, I didn't mind his hours so much because he'd come home to me. But now that he's moved out he seems much more distant.

 

And there is also his reliability -- which has been an ongoing issue. He never knows what time we can meet or when he'll show up because stuff always comes up and when I bring up wanting some kind of schedule (so I can plan my time) he complains I'm being inflexible. My feeling is, if a man can't keep his small promises then how can I count on him for more important ones?

 

While I don't think he's cheating, I get no gut feeling for that, I do feel like I'm being taken for granted in some way. Yet, when I try to bring it up he always turns it around and makes it like I don't consider his needs and am being too demanding. This weekend, for example, his mom was visiting from MA. His family and I get along very well. Obviously, it was fine with me if he were to spend the weekend showing her around. I didn't even make a big deal about not being invited to the Broadway show they were watching with his sister. Anyway, we were supposed to go to Central Park early tomorrow to see The Gates and I suggested that he stay over so we could go together. He said, in a not so unfamiliar way, "I'll think about it."

 

Now, am I crazy or if you really love your girlfriend, wouldn't you want to spend the night with her at least once over the weekend? When I brought up feeling neglected he said I was being unreasonable. So now I am feeling confused because I've tried to give him space yet when I bring up my needs for affection and companionship he says I'm being unreasonable and difficult? I had been excited to go see the Gates for weeks and had turned down invitations with friends to see it with my bf (we kept putting it off because of his busy schedule) and this being the last weekend I was a little miffed that he felt he wasn't sure he could see it with me. I wasn't even planning on spending more than a couple hours there, so I don't know what the deal is.

[d'Arthez]

Okay, things become more and more clear now. It makes sense why you are not living together. The fact that you are in therapy while you practically hadn't even started a Long Term Relationship in the same city (after 18 months of LDR), is a telling sign that the odds are already against you.

 

Reliability especially in small matters is important. He works regular hours, for 5 days a week I think. And if he is constantly leaving you out in the cold because of his work, or whatever excuse he brings up constantly, it is because he puts highter priority to that, than to you ; the fact that he complains about your alleged inflexibility, can be interpreted as a sign, that he considers himself the center of the world, and that everybody has to comply with his requests. And understand him. In other words, everything he does is about him. I don't know the guy, but as the two of you are in therapy I take it there exist some issues, beside the relationship of course.

 

Anyway, we were supposed to go to Central Park early tomorrow to see The Gates and I suggested that he stay over so we could go together. He said, in a not so unfamiliar way, "I'll think about it."

 

Now, am I crazy or if you really love your girlfriend, wouldn't you want to spend the night with her at least once over the weekend?

 

That makes no logical sense. For most people a LDR is hard work, and you can't be spending every night together, you are trying for as much as you can get. He makes a promise to you, you even offer to sweeten the deal, and he blows you off? Without even given a logical excuse of explanation? That is a very bad sign.

 

When I brought up feeling neglected he said I was being unreasonable. So now I am feeling confused because I've tried to give him space yet when I bring up my needs for affection and companionship he says I'm being unreasonable and difficult?

No you are not unreasonable. Your needs are not being met big time. And if you voice your concerns, he invalidates your concerns. That is very worrying. Never let any man with whom you are in a relationship constantly invalidate your concerns. It's dangerous behavior.

 

From the little bit you wrote in your few postings, I get the impression that he might suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder. It's always about how great he is, and other people that let him down when he does not get his way. If that is true, you are better of without him.

[Attached but lonely.]

HI d'Arthez,

 

You sound very experienced and very wise. Thank you for your advice. I don't know if he has a narcissistic personality, but from what I've heard and know about him he is very used to getting his way, even as a kid. He's very attractive and blonde and blue-eyed, and he's told me many stories where he charmed his way out of trouble. I'm no slouch either, but when we get ready, he spends more time worrying about his hair than I do. *LOL* Also, when we get dressed to go out, I tend to to compliment him more than he does me. Perhaps I've been ignoring the obvious -- the man is in love with himself!

 

The really annoying thing is, I get approached by men a lot, and I've remained loyal and faithful to him regardless. When I compare other men's behavior to his lately, I've been wondering why should I stay with him if I can have more of what I want from someone else? Maybe part of the problem is, he's familiar to me, and to venture out and start anew is a scary prospect. Maybe part of the problem is I'm still very much physically attracted to him. And he really knows his way around my body. He's the best lover I've ever had, hands down. Can a true narcissist be capable of giving pleasure to another? Another thing is, because of these problems, I've been much less interested in sex lately, so that's another thing.

 

Mostly, I feel guilty about it -- i.e. why should I suffer emotionally for mere physical gratification? It just seems a little crude. But to be fair, he's not all bad -- he's sweet and considerate -- it's just he's not this way often enough to make me feel that I'm being loved as I deserve.

[Attached but lonely.]

It's just so hard, I really care about him. How do I let him know that I need more affection without nagging or making him defensive? I was thinking well just keep showing him more love and affection, but from what I've read, that just drives the guy away even more.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Attached but lonely.

Having a missed connection with my boyfriend of 3 years. I'm 24, he's 30.

 

For the record, I'm attractive, slim, smart, and am good to him. The sex is great, he says so, unprompted, all the time. In fact, that may be the only form of validation that he offers freely. Yet, he's always too busy and lately when I invite him over he says he'll "think about it." He doesn't call when he says he will and he isn't sweet and affectionate when he does. I always have to say "I love you" and "I miss you" before he does. So, I've tried friendly communication and tried to bring it up nicely but he doesn't listen. The man is becoming complacent. Or, he must not be "that into me." Haha!!!

 

M, if you're reading this, I think your walking papers are going in the mail very soon.

 

So, is it time for a new one? Any advice, guys and girls? Any wise souls out there? Help please!

 

I did not read what other's posted so they might have said this already, maybe he's having an affair. Why would he act like that otherwise?

[Attached but lonely.]

Hi Princess,

 

Thanks for writing. I really don't think he is, and when I asked him he said "no." So I trust him, and didn't push the issue. I think I'd feel something weird if he were cheating. Have you experienced similar behavior from your guy and found out he was cheating?

[d'Arthez]

Attached but lonely,

 

Daddy's Lil Princess her suggestion could be true, however I still have the impresison that he might suffer from this personality disorder.

 

He invalidates every concern you have. Invalidation of feeling and worries by your bf is a big red flag. You are only good to him in his eyes, when you agree with him.

 

It also seems that he is quite a smooth talker, and if my concern is true, the combination is very dangerous to your sanity. It's always about him, his needs, his desires, and everybody who frustrates him, in one way or another.

 

The thing is, that if it is true, there is no way, you can make him realize that you are unhappy and want him to change big time. For even the reasonable demands you have will be perceived as threats to the situation he is in. Of course a narcissist can give pleasure to another human. When it is on his agenda, and with sex that is fairly natural of course.

 

I cannot come up with another explanation for his outrageous behavior concerning the for example Gates. Unless he is a complete jerk. In which case of course you would be better of without him.

 

Sex is not enough for a meaningful relationship. You know that, and because of your relationship problems and worries your drive has dwindled. I can understand the physical attraction, and the emotional tie. You were only 21 when you started your relationship with him. You can find a better lover than him. Because with him the emotional tie is not there.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like at this point, its just easier to stay with you than to break it off with you since you are putting so much effort into holding it together, so he's just coasting and going through the motions until the relationship ends. If you continue to struggle to keep it together, I expect he'll just get more distant and more cold and continue to put physical and emotional distance between you in hopes that you'll be the one to stop what you are doing and break it off, or it will just dwindle to a point where the contact will be less and less and eventually will just end. Sometimes there are no easy answers or 'big issues' or 'psychological blocks to intimacy' or 'fear of commitment' or 'personality disorders' - sometimes its just a very simple, brutal and painful case of 'falling out of love'.

 

People who fall out of love appear to their partners to have undergone some personality split and their cold, indifferent behavior a symptom of something dreadful: because a person who loves you wouldn't do that, would they? The won't, but a person who is falling out of love with you will. You are seeing the side of this person that has nothing to do with you, has no affection for you, and sees you as nothing more than an obstacle or a trap to escape from. Its mercenary, its mean - its brutal and its painful - but as the emotional investment drops, you'll see less and less of the guy you were in love with and you'll see more and more of who he is outside of any context of with you. Anyone who is backed into a corner becomes angry, desperate, mean and instinctively self-protective. What we rarely want to understand is that just by loving someone who is falling out of love, we are the ones backing them into that corner.

 

Is it your fault? Your doing? No - all you did was love the guy. But, he can't be faulted any less for falling out of love. Its a sad and natural process. He could stand to be more polite about it and honest with you about it, but he can't be faulted for not having an emotional investment in you. Imagine a world where no one was allowed to fall out of love - if you dared, you'd be subjected to therapy and intervention to force your heart to feel what it doesn't anymore. I expect right now, he really does need that space to think about things without an obligation to do so. By space - he needs SPACE.

 

As painful as it may be, the only way you can keep a person who is backed into a corner from knocking you down and trampling you to get away, is to back away yourself. Back WAY away. Let him know that he is under no obligation to you anymore, and under no obligation to the relationship. Let him know that you love him, but you can't handle these parameters - and let him know that you intend to give him the space he needs, and then do it. Don't call him, don't email him, don't contact him. It sounds absolutely insane, but he really does need some unbiased uninterrupted time to think and get his heart in order. For that matter, you do too. I'm not saying go to the drastic 'no contact' - but let him be the one to contact you, not the other way around. Put the ball in his court and see what he does with it. You've been doing so much work to keep this relationship together, now you can step back and see if he is willing to do the same instead of just placate you.

[Attached but lonely.]

Hi d'Arthez and Lucrezia,

 

You're right, the man is dangerous to my sanity. I have known no one else who could take me to such ecstatic highs and such terrible lows.

 

We had a more open discussion about it today, during our little walk in Central Park. Yes, believe it or not, he finally agreed to go see The Gates. But it was only after a lot of arguing and tears. We almost broke up again this morning -- oh, the endless drama. It's exhausting. Everyone's advice has definitely made me think more about staying with him. d'Arthez made a very strong case for paying attention to my bf's selfishness. And Lucrezia made a very strong case for giving him space. I agree, he's been behaving rather selfishly and coldly.

 

Although today I got a clearer picture of why he's been this way, because he finally explained that he's been under a lot of pressure at work, and his life has basically been in limbo since I've known him. He hadn't worked for a long time, basically living off his savings for the last three years, and the financial pressure is finally affecting him. I've tried to be supportive but I guess my demands have been too much to deal with on top of everything else. Basically he asked me to relax a bit, and stop bickering over every little thing. I guess he really needs some time to himself, and i just need to be less dependent on his company. It's just been a little harder since I got used to living with him for a little while. It was nice, coming home to each other, despite the fighting.

 

About the near break-up today: it made me really wonder if we should be together, because I felt like it was mostly me trying to convince him to stay. I brought up how I'd stood by him even when he was really broke, and had no job, and when he was stressing me out about his issues. Then I got to thinking, "Shouldn't someone be with you because they want to be, not because you convinced them to?" Lucrezia's comments about how he seems to be coasting until I end things rings true. The thing is, I've been guilty of the same thing. We both agree that we really love each other. But it's been so hard, all this time. It's like we're addicts and even though the relationship is rocky we just can't or won't let go.

[Attached but lonely.]

So the bf stays over Friday night and leaves Saturday morning cause he's got a lot of work to deal with. Says he will call later so we can meet up. Around 7:30p I get a message saying he is meeting up with friends for dinner and he'll call me later. Is it right to feel weird that he didn't invite me out? I had refused an invitation from a friend to go out earlier thinking my bf and I were hanging out. So then we had a little spat when he got home around 2am and called. I was trying to explain that I felt weird especially since it was Saturday night and he made it sound like we'd get together and he got mad saying I was trying to stop him from hanging out with his friends. That wasn't my point, I said, my point was, it's the thought of the invitation that counts.

 

Then I got frustrated and called him a "dolt" cause he couldn't see the difference and he said "F%#k you." Now I admit calling someone a dolt is insulting but does it really warrant a "F@#k you"? If I weren't so tired I would've been really offended, he was so mean. And I tried to make a joke out of it and said "At least it's a little more interesting than just calling someone a jerk, haha." But he was just cold and mean. By the way, he'd been drinking and he normally doesn't drink around me, just when he's out with his friends without me. He's taking Lexapro and he shouldn't really be drinking while on this medication, but c'est la vie, I can't babysit him about this he just gets mad if I say anything. Then the phone line was becoming choppy so I said call me back this line is bad. And I waited. And waited. Then finally I tried calling him back but his phone was off. So basically, he just blew me off. I am so up to here with this @#$%. What kind of a relationship is this? Bah.

 

Although on the upside -- and surprisingly, there is one, haha, it's these little jewels that keep me hoping things will improve -- we had a nice evening together Friday night. It was simple, just pizza for dinner at a little brick oven place and tv at home, but it was so nice to spend time together. I even offered to pay because I know he's been really tight on money but he wouldn't let me, it was so sweet of him and I was very appreciative. I hadn't seen him all week so I was psyched to spend time with him. Then he goes and pulls this "maybe I will, maybe I won't stuff" and when I call him on it he gets mad and says I'm inflexible. Huh? I'm thinking, "Dude, you told me you'd call to meet up later so I clear my calendar for you then you don't?" It's not like I was saying, "just hang out with me and ditch your friends." Not at all.

 

I'm so bummed now because when we were out Friday this really hot guy, and in all objectivity, he was much hotter (and taller!) than my bf, kept checking me out on the train (even my bf noticed) but I was completely unflirtatious and just paid attention to my bf. It's stuff like that I hate, i.e., why am I letting these opportunities pass me by? Is this still worth it? Now I'm thinking, why am I even bothering to behave? It's getting to the point where I'm wondering about who else is out there, that maybe someone nicer and sweeter (and cute!) is available. But I don't believe in cheating. And I can't bring myself to break up with him. Sometimes fights get so bad that we get close to ending things but we always patch things up. It's so confusing.

 

What is it they say in that book, "Don't waste the pretty"? Sigh.

[d'Arthez]

Attached but lonely,

 

it's really bad of your boyfriend what he did Saturday night. I don't know his reasoning, but probably he thought that because he had already spent time with you, he had done his bf-duty. Which is absolutely not the case; he makes it seem the both of you live in different worlds.

You got the expectancy that he would come over, so you canceled plans with a friend, and because your bf was spending time with his friends, you had a ruined Saturday night.

 

It's perfectly understandable why you got mad at him. That he did not understand you, does not sound to hopeful. That he is so confusing about his priorities is everything but healthy for you.

 

A relationship cannot be based on a few good moments, though. And you are clinging to these few moments. Are you willing to do that much longer? A man or a woman can live on hope. But if you try to do that, you must be certain of the other person, and his behavior makes it extremely hard, if not impossible to do that.

 

As this has been a troubled relationship from the start, without it much improving for you, you should consider very strongly to break up; the both of you are in therapy, and you are the one who makes all the efforts in this relationship. Don't let yourself be blown off by him, in these ways.

[tokyo]

Attached but lonely

 

I think all the posters gave such good advice that I don´t know what else I should add. If you try to follow their advice then I`m sure things will turn out well and that does not necessarily include your boyfriend.

 

 

I just wanted to add:

 

LucreziaBorgia, your posts are usually very good, but I especially liked that one, that was so true. I admire your depth and I wish I (had) had your wisdom.

[me-a-name]

Hey attached and lonely,

 

I dont usually comment on sites. But I had to after reading your stuff. mr Arthez is absolutely right. You better watch out. This man sounds like a narccississt. Look at your screenname- Attached and still lonely- that is a classic feeling to have when involved with a narccississt.

 

If i were you i would do some research about narssisstic personality disorder. The stuff that you are discribing sounds like my relationship. You are spending all of this time trying to regain something that you had for maybe a few months out of the whole entire relationship.

 

Also I couldnt help but risk upsetting you at this next piece of advice. Based on your Saturday night thing and the Friday night standup. And the gates story. You sound as if you are a co-dependent. Your whole life is up and down based on what this guys does. Not good. You then will have so many ups and downs. People may think you are bi-polar!! You cannot sit around and wait for someone else to make you happy. When you told me you blew off your friends for a possible night with this guy?? Get back to your own life. Instead of giving him space look at it as getting back to you.

 

But be warned if he is a narccississt. And you pull away. He will come back. He will give a glimmer of hope in a good night ofsex or maybe being nice for a day to get you back. But trust me you are like a drug to him. You did mention that you guys are like addicts.

 

Take this from someone who had to learn the hard way-

 

WORK ON YOU- MAKING YOURSELF HAPPY-READ ABOUT CO-DEPENDENCY-GET OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS-STOP MAKING THIS MAN CONTROL YOUR MOODS AND BEHAVIORS-AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST. IF YOU TRULY VALUE YOURSELF WHY WOULD YOU STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO IS NOT TREATING YOU RIGHT.

 

I cant say if this guy is a narccississt for sure-but it sounds like it. Or maybe that other person who talked about him just not loving you back could be true. But which ever one it is why lower yourself by trying to wait around and find out. Set some standards for yourself. You say you are an attractive girl with lots to offer. Well start believing it. And get out there!!!

[Attached but lonely.]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thanks so much for all your advice. You've all been so very helpful. Everytime something comes up I come back here and re-read what you've posted and it always cheers me up a bit. You have no idea how thankful I am for your support. Hugs to you all!

 

 

Hi Me-A-Name,

 

Thanks for writing -- no, I'm not annoyed by what you said. You're quite perceptive, actually, as I'm working on my co-dependency issues with a therapist. The bf is working on his own issues with a therapist as well. The trouble is, when he's good to me, he's so incredibly sweet. It's just not consistent. Like you said, so many ups and downs. I am trying to focus less on him and more on my life. Being more active, spending more time with other friends, all that good stuff. It does help a lot.

 

 

So here's the update:

 

Last week I stayed over his place and was looking for our pictures from our last trip together and guess what I found. Naked pictures of a girl that isn't me. It wasn't commercial porn -- that I can deal with, I don't mind watching porn with him now and again -- they were clearly pictures from a regular girl he'd been corresponding with. And if that weren't enough, I looked at the dates and they were exchanged during a particularly low point in my life when I had really needed his support. I was going through hell with depression, the pressures of being in graduate school and dealing with family issues. To top it off, I found out it was someone he'd met on Nerve.com, a dating website, before we started going out. So I went online and found her dating site ad. The girl is a total floozy. In her pictures she's practically naked and she states that she's looking for someone "nasty" and who'll take her to stripper joints.

 

All this stuff flies in the face of what he's been trying to tell me: That (a) he was never interested in her "that way", (b) their correspondence was platonic, and © that he had stopped corresponding with her or anyone of her ilk since we started dating exclusively 3 years ago. He said he's never met her, which I believe. But cheating doesn't have to be physically manifested. He said that he contacted her first but that her ad has probably gotten raunchier since he first found it on Nerve.com. He said she's a photographer and they were "art" pictures. Ah, I'm no professional photographer, but I do have a design background and technically speaking, those pictures weren't very artful. They were naked. All that aside, I don't think he should've kept those pictures if he wasn't interested in her.

 

And he said he had mentioned me, i.e., she knew that he was taken, and to me it's very disrespectful of her to be sending naked pictures of herself to a man who has a girlfriend. It's clearly titillation. He'd sworn repeatedly throughout our relationship that he was no longer in touch with anyone from dating sites because we were exclusive. He's been trying to reassure me: it'll never happen again, that it was a mistake, he wasn't thinking, it was wrong, etc. etc. We were fighting and that was part of the reason he did it. Ah, what a lame excuse. I couldn't bear the idea of finding any more information. I haven't looked through his emails or anything. But in a way I almost wish I had, just to know once and for all if he has been really cheating on me all this time. He insists that he hasn't. Would you consider keeping naked pictures of someone a form of cheating? My gut tells me, yes. What can I say at this point? It's so terrible it's almost funny.

 

Anyway, after crying non-stop for about a week after finding out, I just decided it was time to take a time-out. And voila, as soon as I started distancing myself, the bf started behaving like the perfect bf, the kind that he could be now and again: attentive, loving, calls just to say hello, super sweet and considerate. Unbelievable. So, why can't he behave this way when I'm loving and affectionate towards him? As of now, I've pulled back a lot. Except for a couple times when I had a weak moment and came over to his place and a couple days after I found the pictures (he came over trying to apologize), we haven't slept with each other. At the most we've met for a lunch, or talked on the phone or spoke over yahoo im.

 

To be fair, I haven't been perfect either. There was a time when we broke up and I became a little closer than friends with a guy, and I kept it from him. He did find out and was angry; I ended it after we got back together. But to me, it seems just a little worse when someone lies and keeps something from you for 3 years, especially after repeated promises. Has anyone gone through this and still worked it out with their partner? As you know, hope springs eternal. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, how do you come to trust someone like this again? Is it worth it to try again? How do you decide when it really is just a lost cause? I know some of you will say just end it. It really hurts when I think about those pictures and the repeated lies. How do I stop caring for him? If I were to break up with him, how do I do it with conviction? It's such a difficult decision to make.

 

My therapist says just take a month break, don't see each other, don't talk, don't sleep with each other. Just spend time on me and think about whether or not I should stay in this relationship. The idea of not being in contact AT ALL is freaking me out a bit because I know I'm going to miss him really badly. I just wish things were a little simpler.

[d'Arthez]

A lot of men would consider pictures or porn not a form of cheating. I would, but I seem to be in the minority on the issue. But it is not about how he feels about the photographs, but how you feel about things.

 

Also the behavior that he 'suddenly' grows attentive of you, the moment you distance yourself from him is very worrying. Sadly it can be consistent with my earlier arguments:

He invalidates every concern you have. Invalidation of feeling and worries by your bf is a big red flag. You are only good to him in his eyes, when you agree with him.

 

It also seems that he is quite a smooth talker, and if my concern is true, the combination is very dangerous to your sanity. It's always about him, his needs, his desires, and everybody who frustrates him, in one way or another.

Only when he lost control over you, he was willing to make a real effort at the relationship. And it should be that he made an effort (just like you would) regardless of the problems in the relationship; not just when you are moving away from him.

 

Whatever you do, it is understandable that you would miss him if you consider breaking up with him. You have been involved for 3 years with him, so that is only natural. Don't let the idea of missing him influence your decision; when you made the effort you missed him, as he thought other things more important.

 

Of course it is all your decision, when the time is there. But work on yourself, and make the decision which feels right to you; and these decisions are never easy.

 

Good luck.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Only when he lost control over you, he was willing to make a real effort at the relationship. And it should be that he made an effort (just like you would) regardless of the problems in the relationship; not just when you are moving away from him.

 

I agree with d'Arthez.

 

If your boyfriend only acts this way when he feels you slipping away, it is totally unacceptable. He isn't giving you the love and support that to you deserve. I know that it is painful to conceive of life without him, but you must become courageous and put your own real needs first, above the seemingly insatiable but false needs of love and companionship.

[Attached but lonely.]

Hi Israfil,

 

Thank you for writing. It's taken some long hard thinking to come to the very same conclusions that all of you saw so easily, being on the outside looking in. It's so obvious isn't it? Isn't it awful how fools like me try and try and try to make things work. It's been a long and bumpy road.

 

Here's where the good news, if you can call it that -- it sure doesn't feel like, it let me tell you, I feel like garbage -- comes in. I finally broke up with him tonight. Why is it that even though I did the breaking up I'm still in so much pain? He probably didn't even blink when it happened, as I had to do it over the phone and he was out with friends. Not good, it should've been in person, I know, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought maybe there was a better time to do it, such as after the vacation (see below), but is there ever a really good time to break up? Perhaps the truth is, it was over as soon as I found those naked pictures of the girl he was emailing/chatting with, but some part of me was stubborn and thought, hey, maybe we can get through this? If I really love him I should forgive and forget about it? Anyway, there was just too much bickering and insensitivity and pain accumulated and I've had enough.

 

The bummer is, we have a vacation in the beginning of May to the Grenadines that is already planned and purchased, tickets and lodging and everything. It was a present I got for him last year, but we had to move the dates because of his work. Long story. I told him, well, I guess we should still go, and he could consider it a parting gift. I plan on just treating him like a roommate while we're there -- all the arguing has killed my sex drive anyway. I haven't heard back, as I suppose he's angry with me. Who knows, maybe he changed his mind and is backing out. In all honesty I don't even feel like going anymore, I just want out and no more contact, but everything for the trip is set. I figure well, it's the Caribbean, may as well try and have fun. Or maybe one of you people can come out with me? Oh well, if you don't think I'm completely crazy for throwing this idea out there feel free to pm me if you're interested.

[Donut]

Can you not change the ticket to a friends or relatives name who can go with you?

 

When I broke up with my ex-fiance we had a holiday planned together, I changed the ticket to my mum's name and we had quite a good time together. It cost a small admin fee but was worth it.

 

Don't give him a free holiday!!

 

It's likely that things would be very uncomfortable between you both and you need this time to get back on your feet, not be around him! You never know what he might do to upset you, trust me, going on hol together will only set you back.