I'm really struggling seven months on!

[Sixandout]

Hi everyone, I've been reading this forum for a while now, as it has been a great source of strength. I felt the need to join and share as a release, as I've reached the point of not knowing what do.

 

My ex dumped me out of the blue, after over six years together, around seven months ago. I moved out our home five months ago. NC for 3 months. It was the worst time of my life. Since then, I feel like I've regressed to my early twenties, constantly going out, fun events, quite a lot of dates. Everyone seems to think I have such an active social life. The truth is - it's all totally meaningless. It distracts my mind, but it doesn't fulfil me in any way what so ever. Worse, if it's something really good then all I think about is how much my ex would have loved this and how much more fun I'd be having if I was sharing these moments with him. I just feel a deep sense of emptiness. I miss my old life. I miss my best friend.

 

I don't know what to do now, it been so long since we broke up that I feel like its taboo to talk about it to any of my friends. I feel like they think that I should be over him by now. I just feel so alone in the world. I miss him every single day, I have no bitterness or hatred towards him, just so many painfully happy memories. I was doing quite well, moving on as best I could, but the last few weeks I feel like I'm going backwards every day. It is hurting me more that he hasn't text to see how I'm doing, that despite what he said he doesn't want to be stay in touch. I'm realistic in that I know we can't be friends, but I'd like to touch base every few months - the idea of never seeing him again kills me.

 

I just can't see how this pain is going to go away. The last few days I am constantly holding back tears. My throat feels constantly constricted. I feel so ugly and inadequate. I go on dates and have fun but I just compare them all to him - and they never come close. I can't bring myself to go on second dates when/if they ask. It kills me that he moved on so easily. I just don't know what to do now? I'm so tired of it all. I just want to go to sleep. I have no one that really wants to listen, despite what they say, to my inability to let go. I'm thinking of seeing a councillor, is that a good step to take?

 

Thank you for reading. I'd love to hear from others that have felt like this.

[Shields boy]

Tough times that you are going through. You are doing well having a busy social life. Although it is clear that you are not over him and maybe need to take a break from dating other people. Leave that until you are much better.

 

Discussing it with friends can be tricky. Do you not have that one friend where you can really open up and let it all out? If none of your friends have been in this situation, then they will not understand.

 

It took me 2 years and 3 months to get over someone I loved. Time really is a healer. Each case is different for the length of time it takes.

 

I'm sorry for your pain but I promise it will get better.

[Sixandout]

Thanks for your kind words Shields Boy. Maybe you're right. Dating probably isn't helping. Maybe I should take a break from that, I think I'm just scared if being alone.

 

I do have close friends that I could talk to, I just feel embarrassed that I'm still not over it. I just don't want to talk to them about it anymore, want to put on a facade that I'm ok. When I'm not

 

Over 2 years? This is what scares me, how do you endure 2 years of this?

 

Thanks for replying, talking about it anonymously is easier.

[ThorntonMelon]

Seeing a counselor is always good.

 

Nothing wrong with dating, meeting people, of course you're comparing them to your ex. But one day you won't and that will be a fantastic day. Don't give up so easily.

 

And a lot of us can't let go, we've been where you are. If you had PM I'd send you one and volunteer to be someone you can message as you need but feel free to connect here - a lot of people who want nothing more than to read and write, laugh and cry, and help others.

 

Only thing that stops it from getting better is hearing from him. Don't forget that.

[Shields boy]

Thanks for your kind words Shields Boy. Maybe you're right. Dating probably isn't helping. Maybe I should take a break from that, I think I'm just scared if being alone.

 

I do have close friends that I could talk to, I just feel embarrassed that I'm still not over it. I just don't want to talk to them about it anymore, want to put on a facade that I'm ok. When I'm not

 

Over 2 years? This is what scares me, how do you endure 2 years of this?

 

Thanks for replying, talking about it anonymously is easier.

 

No problem. A broken heart really is the most painful experience for most people.

 

Just have a couple of drinks with that one special friend and let it all out. I don't mean cry it out, but rant and vent it all out off the chest. I bet that friend will really appreciate that you have opened up to them and trusted them with your current daemons. That is what friends are for.

 

Yes it was a painful 2 years for me. I would say I cried my eyes out for 7ish months also. Unfortunately for me I had major setbacks in hearing the person I was getting over, got engaged then later pregnant. That seriously prolonged my pain. This is why it will be best for you to not hear what your ex is up to. Like I say every case is different.

 

You really just have to embrace the pain.

 

I would like to think that experience made me stronger in the end. This experience will also make you into a stronger person.

 

I don't think it is a weakness that you are suffering so much over one guy for so long. I think of it as a strength that you can love and miss someone so much. It just shows that you are a very passionate person.

 

The next guy you fall in love with will be a very lucky person. Just don't be in no rush to find him.

[Sixandout]

Thanks ThorntonMelon, that was my attitude to dating, and I always have a fun evening regardless. The problem is a afterwards. I just feel so deflated, that I'm never going to quite meet anyone like my ex again. With him it really was love at first sight, I just knew from the first date. All these dates I've been on over the last couple of months - just never had anything like that. It's really getting me down.

[Sixandout]

I don't think it is a weakness that you are suffering so much over one guy for so long. I think of it as a strength that you can love and miss someone so much. It just shows that you are a very passionate person..

That's a nice outlook on life.

[travelbug1996]

I would suggest no dating. You're not over your ex and its not fair to other guys to be compared with someone who dumped you.

 

Maybe you should take the time to reflect on what went wrong in the relationship and how you can avoid it happening again. Maybe see your ex in a different light since it sounds like nothing was wrong according to you.

 

Spend some time alone becoming your own best friend. When its time for another man to show up. You will have a clear mind and a open heart.

[Sixandout]

Thanks travelbug, I think you're right on the dating front.

 

I'm not sure I want to analyse what went wrong though. At the end of the day, he just didn't love me enough. We didn't have issues. Sometimes love burns out right? What more do I need to know?

[Michael 93]

Hey Sixandout,

 

I want you to know that what your feeling i can totally relate too.

 

I am currently 8 months post break up and NC for nearly 2 months (i think)

 

Is there anything that is triggering these feelings to still linger on?

 

Its remarkable just how similar our stories are. I have been going out a hell of a lot, in fact its extremely difficult to stay in. Again, I can testify that it is very difficult to actually enjoy the time you are spending out.

 

I am hoping that with time this should eventually go away. You just have to focus on your own life and making yourself happy. Regardless of others (your ex) you must focus on your own happiness. When you can be happy with your own life you will meet someone who will compliment yourself and this will be much more meaningful in the long run.

 

I believe it is going to take time and patience. I am still in the same boat of you so it will be difficult to give you sound advice but just know you are not alone in how you are feeling.

 

Tell me..have you improved on your time directly after the split?

[travelbug1996]

Thanks travelbug, I think you're right on the dating front.

 

I'm not sure I want to analyse what went wrong though. At the end of the day, he just didn't love me enough. We didn't have issues. Sometimes love burns out right? What more do I need to know?

 

 

maybe the lesson here could be to get a man that loves you just as much. its always difficult to love someone thats not all in. seek to receive love instead of giving all the time. let a man give to you.

 

Are you comfortable receiving love?? many people are not.

[Friggia]

Maybe, since it has been three months and there has been some distance from the breakup, you could try reaching out to him and telling him how you feel? Just being honest with him about how you feel couldn't hurt at this point, I would say. Although, if he hasn't contacted you and the breakup was amicable, he could very well be seeing someone else for the time being - a rebound.

[Arient]

Hi there, I saw and read your thread a few days ago and have always wanted to post a reply. Having been so busy that I did not manage to do so right away. I really understand your feelings and what you're going through right now, as I encountered similar things after my BU. Even the reason for my BU is quite similar.

 

Like you, after the BU, for the first 3 months, I was so active with going out with friends, working, meeting new people and also some dating. However, what I was left with at the end of the day is always a big hole inside my heart. It was a huge emptiness that made all things seem so meaningless. I also put on a 'strong' image outside to hide my suffering. But, pain was pain, the hole was still there, and I collapsed mentally. At that time, I realized that I can not just pretend that I'm fine and I'm not bleeding when the wound was still there and was bleeding me to death. I realized that I needed to slow down, healing takes time, and there was no need to rush. So, I cut down on things, like my extra projects, or dates. I decided to put aside an amount of time (1,5 months) just for myself to take things slowly. I confided, cried, told my close friend everything even though I made her believe that I was on my way to 100% over my ex. It really helped. I treated myself better with small things I like to do, just chilling out, reading books, being a better daughter and sister, hanging our more with my family, setting up new plans for travelling and career. Believe it or not, the BU which I think it's the worst thing ever started to make me feel like it's a gift in disguise. It's a chance for me to learn to love myself more, and to realize that I can still be happy whether I have him here with me or not.

 

I used to be like you too, always thinking "how great it would be if he's here and enjoying it with me", but slowly, I started to enjoy things with my friends, and think "isn't it great just being here with my friends". I think giving more time for yourself is really important, and one more thing, you have to confront the pain. Do not bottle it up. Confront the pain, feel it, cry, be sad, be angry, be desperate, let it all out, that's the only way it can leave you and the emptiness in you will be filled up little by little. Accept that a chapter of your life has closed. So instead of being sad about its end, try to look at the positive side and focus more on the excitement that the new chapter can bring you. Do I still love my ex? Oh hell yeah I do. But now when I think about that answer, it did not make me feel so desperate like before. Instead, I felt grateful that we managed to bring out such brightly beautiful love in each other, that love did not end when we broke up, it's still standing there, waiting to be awakened once again

 

I also strongly agreed with travelbug1996 about reflecting on your relationship. It's part of accepting and confronting things. You said that "It kills me that he moved on so easily". I think by reflecting on things, you will never feel killed by that thought anymore. What do I mean by that? I mean, I also felt so damn bad with the thought of how he might move on so easily. But when I took time to reflect on things, I went to find the answer for that question and I found it. After I understood, it did not kill me anymore. For me, reflecting on the relationship is like re-arrange your mind. At first, it felt like a mess with Why, How, What if....etc, so I took the time to list things, and for each question, find the answer, and after that, never bother to think about those questions anymore. Maybe it's just me, but I hope it can help you too. I just want to share with you something that I realized:

 

1) How he can move on so easily. Well, that's the advantage of being the dumper. He had thought about leaving the relationship for quite a while, and was mentally prepared for that. He must also have started detaching from the relationship from that time, so just imagine, he already started moving on from that point and might be months ahead of you. That's why it's normally seems that the dumper got it so easy in moving on. It's a race where one starts much much much earlier than the other one.

 

2) Since my BU happened with almost the same reason as yours "love burns out", I just want to re-quote that "No one falls in love by choice, it’s by chance, No one stays in love by chance, it’s by work, And no one falls out of love by chance, it’s by choice". The love which burns out is just the passion part of it, and that part comes and go after the honeymoon phase in the relationship is over, it's actually only 40% of a love life cycle. The BU has taught me that real true love requires a lot more, and made me find out what I want in future partners, someone who stay and fight through the phase when the passion runs out, to reach a much more profound level of love, a love that lasts.

 

Sorry for blahing so long

[me85]

I feel the same as you do. My ex moved on in a matter of days. His emotions were out the door long before we split up, actually.

 

I just don't care anymore. Your love will turn into indifference, if not hatred. Depending on how good or bad the BU/RS was.

 

I've been doing really well until the last month or so. My ex continuously plays games and I've decided to completely rid him from my life. He's blocked from everything except email but I'm going to fix it to where any emails he sends automatically go to the trash.

 

Good riddance.

 

I'm getting into therapy as well. I've been getting over my ex for a year now and still not completely there. So yes, counseling will most definitely do good.

Edited August 15, 2014 by me85

[True Gent]

Thanks travelbug, I think you're right on the dating front.

 

I'm not sure I want to analyse what went wrong though. At the end of the day, he just didn't love me enough. We didn't have issues. Sometimes love burns out right? What more do I need to know?

 

Firstly sorry to hear of your pain. I know how it feels as my 9 year relationship ended last year, it very nearly destroyed me when it first came to an end.

 

Something that does really help you progress is taking off the rose tinted glasses. Seriously your ex is not a perfect person, there must be some negatives which you weren't 100% happy with. It sounds like you still have him placed very high up on a pedestal and all that's doing is holding you back.

 

You're longing for this perfect person, who isn't perfect. You're falsely comparing new people to the perfect image of him in your mind. I think in your case you should take a dating break as it's unfair on the men you're meeting. I've met my fair share of women with ex issues and it gets very tiring after a while.

 

When I actually faced up to what I wasn't happy about in my relationship and the way she treated me at the end, I took big steps towards feeling a hell of a lot better within myself. It takes time to get over someone, I'm at around 10 months post breakup now. I'm not fully healed, but I'm so much better than I ever thought I would be just a few months ago.

 

You have to a analyse yourself, your ex and the whole relationship and breakup. You must be honest with yourself, you will self progress massively for doing this. Also DO NOT have these monthly check in's with him that you're thinking about. The chances are these bits of contact will set you right back and possibly devastate you all over again. Do not have any contact, in time it gets a lot easier.

[aisuru]

It's a total cliché, but honestly, the biggest healer is time. Lots of time. There is no deadline unfortunately.

 

Definitely consider a therapist. I was already seeing mine when I went through my last breakup (which crippled me unlike any other breakup of my life) and it was invaluable as I worked through the stages of getting over the relationship and breakup.

 

It's okay to not date and spend more time with yourself. While you're distracting yourself, you may not be allowing yourself enough alone time with your thoughts to process everything. It's okay to hide out at home on the couch and disappear into some movies, books, or journal writing.

 

I wish you well.

[Sixandout]

Thanks for all the comments guys, really nice to read.

 

2) Since my BU happened with almost the same reason as yours "love burns out", I just want to re-quote that "No one falls in love by choice, it’s by chance, No one stays in love by chance, it’s by work, And no one falls out of love by chance, it’s by choice". The love which burns out is just the passion part of it, and that part comes and go after the honeymoon phase in the relationship is over, it's actually only 40% of a love life cycle. The BU has taught me that real true love requires a lot more, and made me find out what I want in future partners, someone who stay and fight through the phase when the passion runs out, to reach a much more profound level of love, a love that lasts.

 

Sorry for blahing so long

So true!

 

As a little update, I currently feel pretty good. I've stopped dating and decided to just focus on me. Not me and friends, just me. I've quit smoking and started running. Surprisingly, something so easy is actually working in making me feel better about myself. It's great to do something that I can do on my own. Onwards and upwards x

[Bella2]

Since my BU happened with almost the same reason as yours "love burns out", I just want to re-quote that "No one falls in love by choice, it’s by chance, No one stays in love by chance, it’s by work, And no one falls out of love by chance, it’s by choice". The love which burns out is just the passion part of it, and that part comes and go after the honeymoon phase in the relationship is over, it's actually only 40% of a love life cycle. The BU has taught me that real true love requires a lot more, and made me find out what I want in future partners, someone who stay and fight through the phase when the passion runs out, to reach a much more profound level of love, a love that lasts.

 

This is so true. I've been thinking the same. For the first time in life I realise that it's a lot more work to have a relationship that will "last forever". And to some day find someone who agrees with that. And is willing to stay, even "when the going gets tough"....