erklat Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 (edited) Hi friends. On occasion I put updates in my thread which is in my signature. In a month it will be a year since a breakup of a very short fling which pierced my soul like rapier. I am feeling incredibly down for last couple of days. I was more or less ok since May, but something struck me badly these past days. I'm taking my medication like prescribed. I have done the following: Employed myselfmoved away (im not in the same city any longer)strict nc for about 6 months, and it is done properly. gained weight. found my purpose in life. learned a lot about myself and relationships. I travel a lot. I have passions and hobies. I'm developing pitching campaign because I want to open my online marketing agency. What else is there to be done and for how much longer am I going to fight with depression? :( Lonely? Perhaps. I don't think so though. I have enough female attention but I am Very prone to self sabotage and self destructive behavior with women. Edited August 12, 2014 by erklat
love1336x Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 It doesn't hurt to see a therapist. If you want go ahead what's the worse that can happen? 1
amaysngrace Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 How were you when you two were together? No depression at all?? Were you manic?
OwMyEyeball Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 Medication is a stabilizer that allows you to more readily and energetically tackle the much deeper emotional trauma that underlies your sense of self. The drugs aren't intended to cure what ails you - despite what the manufacturers might have you believe. Think of your life as a pond. You - your true self - lays at the bottom. For some, the bottom of their pond is rather smooth and sandy. It's pleasant and peaceful to stand on. For most, there's at least some rough surface. Some broken glass and other sharp, painful objects. Our present self treads the water and experiences life around us. The water itself is our vitality and spirit. When it's up, we're buoyed above the surface. When there's enough our feet barely touch the bottom. But if there's still a lot of painful stuff down at the bottom we tend not to fully ground ourselves. We're detached from our true selves. The turbidity of the water - its clarity - is the quality of our thoughts. The more realistic and compassionate they are, the clearer the water. Unfortunately, many of us cloud the water with unrealistic and dangerous thoughts. Often times it's so we can't see what's at the bottom. It's too frightening to look. Medication helps to boost the water level. It get us lifted up enough that we don't feel as much of the pain from what's at the bottom. But all that trauma, all that pain are still there. To really "cure" ourselves we need to look below. We must go through a long, often painful, but fantastically rewarding process of purifying the water, getting a better look at what's at the bottom, understanding where all the painful objects are, and very gradually, clearing away what we can while learning how to avoid stepping on what's too far embedded to ever fully remove. That's where therapy comes in. What you may discover, and what I'm starting to learn, is that depression is not a disease. It's a symptom of emotional distress that resides in our unconscious. Therapy can help to bring that distress into consciousness, where it can understood and "dispelled". That's the painful part. I'd recommend seeing a therapist. I would also highly recommend that you "date" around with several different therapists (if you have the resources). Get one appointment in with a few selections then stick with the one whom you feel most comfortable with. 3
Author erklat Posted August 13, 2014 Author Posted August 13, 2014 How were you when you two were together? No depression at all?? Were you manic? No. I am not manic. I'm just incredibly down most of the time. I have many of codependent traits. I don't have enough options to treat it properly so I'm on medication for Over a year now. I got my doctor. You're stuck with it. There's no changing. I just wish to forget about her. Of all women she was the least worthy for a relationship, yet here I am.
lolok7 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 I know for sure now I'm a codependent myself. My childhood was traumatic and while I've been aware of that I never really sat down with myself to resolve my issues. My first real relationship of almost 6 years, I now realize, fell apart because of my behaviour. I pushed him too much to the point I didn't realize when he started letting go and recently hit me with a shocker that he found someone else and is moving on. My initial reaction was logical, I knew what had to be done, but I lost self-control today because of an old urge to not accept something bad can end, that I can change and make everything work if he just gives me one more chance. My parents had a violent past for the first 10-15 years of my life, I was also slapped and abused on several occasions throughout. They're both still together, barely speak, sleep in separate rooms, but refuse to divorce or work anything out. They constantly complain about each other to me and force me to choose sides, I always tell them to keep their fights to themselves and then they get angry at me. My mother has made me a scapegoat of sorts and she openly prefers my sister for many things. I have known for years I have issues but it's today I have finally accepted that I need to resolve everything as well as I can to have a decent future. I will explore all options, any kind of help, if you feel like you could use some, just go ahead with it.
DorothyGale Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 No. I am not manic. I'm just incredibly down most of the time. I have many of codependent traits. I don't have enough options to treat it properly so I'm on medication for Over a year now. I got my doctor. You're stuck with it. There's no changing. I just wish to forget about her. Of all women she was the least worthy for a relationship, yet here I am. I'm sorry your not doing well. It's good your stable on meds. I do think it's time to see a therapist.
Author erklat Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 I know for sure now I'm a codependent myself. My childhood was traumatic and while I've been aware of that I never really sat down with myself to resolve my issues. My first real relationship of almost 6 years, I now realize, fell apart because of my behaviour. I pushed him too much to the point I didn't realize when he started letting go and recently hit me with a shocker that he found someone else and is moving on. My initial reaction was logical, I knew what had to be done, but I lost self-control today because of an old urge to not accept something bad can end, that I can change and make everything work if he just gives me one more chance. My parents had a violent past for the first 10-15 years of my life, I was also slapped and abused on several occasions throughout. They're both still together, barely speak, sleep in separate rooms, but refuse to divorce or work anything out. They constantly complain about each other to me and force me to choose sides, I always tell them to keep their fights to themselves and then they get angry at me. My mother has made me a scapegoat of sorts and she openly prefers my sister for many things. I have known for years I have issues but it's today I have finally accepted that I need to resolve everything as well as I can to have a decent future. I will explore all options, any kind of help, if you feel like you could use some, just go ahead with it. Yes, I lived through a war at earliest childhood and stories of our families are the same. I had to detach completely from them. I haven't spoken with my father over six months now. His behavior bogged me down always. I sunk so deeply that I profoundly believed that I will never be good in anything without his blessing and no one ever will pay for my abilities. As I profiled myself as in web programming... I saw how much he bogged me down. I had this nice confidant who told me that my rs with her is like an addiction. I'm addicted to caretaking and since I haven't managed to save someone (my father ) I needed to save her. I'm fine again for the past couple of days.
BC1980 Posted August 16, 2014 Posted August 16, 2014 It sounds like you have struggled with depression before, and this breakup was a catalyst to develop and even deeper depression. Are you seeing a therapist? Meds can help to a certain extent, but you really need therapy to make progress. Also, you are only at 6 months NC, so you have to say your breakup started then. Where are you from? I know it's pretty tough in the US to get any type of financial help for therapy or a psychiatrist unless you are committed to a facility, which isn't your issue. Most insurance companies here will pay very little, if anything, for any type of counseling or a psychiatric visit. You might need to resort to some books on grief or depression of maybe a church could give you some free counseling. I have seen a therapist in the past but didn't want to spend the money with this recent breakup, so I bought several books and talked to some friends with similar experiences to to help me through. I probably should have seen a therapist, but I know from experience how financially draining that can be.
Author erklat Posted August 16, 2014 Author Posted August 16, 2014 It doesn't cost me but it is all crap. Even the therapist told me I'm not going to find in my hometown what I am looking for. And yes, I have been struggling with depression for quite some time. Last time I was genuinely happy and careless was sharp three years ago. I have read Codependent no more. The language of letting go I will be reading next.
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