confusingdays12345 Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 My boyfriend of almost 3 years broke up with me at the end of January. We had been in same place all of last year and since Sept we were doing long distance....Also, he is two years younger than me and still in college - i just started working. We were totally in love, had talked about marriage (despite being young - me 23, him 21), but long distance started getting the best of us....So, he broke up wtih me and we fought/cried/talked for like 2 weeks. He agreed to see me on valentine's day, as we had plans to see each other. We had most amazing weekend. He told me how much i mean to me, how much he loves me and that this is what we need to do if we are going to ever be 100% sure we are meant to be...and that he needs this time to experience college being single as he doesnt know what life is like without me in it and wants the chance to see what it is like to be single and meet other girls (we are both each other's first serious relationship). when he was here for valentine's, he cried in my arms telling me that it hurts him too, but that this is what he wants and that he has wanted it for a while. we agreed when he left to talk less and he agreed that he'd still call once in a while and he'd be honest about how he feels. i said he can do whatever he wants with other people and doesnt need to tell me, but that if he does meet someone new that he loves/has a new girlfriend, i'd want to know, so i know i'm no longer the one he loves. so, he left after our great weekend together and for the first few days things were good.....we spoke on and off and he said he missed me and had best weekend.....but anytime i brought up being upset or anything about being confused or asked him questions about our relationship he'd say that if i cant deal with being normal friends we cant talk so....this past weekend, i called him really upset and saying i dont know why he is sending me such mixed messages (he sent me a vday card which was so nice and implied getting back together in future and saying he'll always love me) if he does not want to be with me right now. he said he is confused and should not have said that in card and should not have said the things eh did when he was in person with me for valentine's day and that he doesnt want to make any promisese cause we may never get back together and that i need to move on and stop bothering him.... the past few days we have just been fighting (we arent talking on phone, but i've started conversation wtih him online). i know from the moment he broke up with me, ishould have shut him out and not tried talking/seeing him...he wants no contact now and has been really mean lately. he says that he needs space and that he doesnt love me in same way anymore and hasnt for a while and that he is happy with his decision and this is what he wants...and if 10 years we get back together so be it.....he also sometimes implies that while he doesnt want to get back togehter in near future, i should know that it is not like we will never see each other again or talk again, but that we need a while. since i've known him (About 4 years) - i dont think we've gone more than a few days (maybe a week max) without talking. it is so hard to refrain from telling him things in my life or telling him how i feel. no contact seems like such a game. when he was here, i thought i knew that deep down he loved me and that we'd end up together....now, i dont know what to believe. he is so hot and cold. he is so hot and cold. how can someone who a week ago loved me so much and was crying now be so rude and tell me that the way i'm acting by continuing to want to talk is making him like me less.....he says i'm stressing him out and he doesnt want to deal with me anymore and that i should just move on and pretend we are never getting back together. he says if we see each other it wont be til june before he leaves to go to asia for two months (he is going abroad for the summer). i just want advice......i'm so torn on whether or not this is really the end or whether or not he is just confused and thinks he wants space.....it is like i know he loves me and cares about me, but he refuses to acknowledge it cause he also wants space to do his own thing....throughout our relationship he was always the one talking about future and wanting to marry me, etc.....i think the seroiusness of our relationship started to scare him and since we are in different places now (after pretty much living together last year) it is the best time in his eyes to take a break from me....i'm just confused if the break is cause he doesnt love me anymore or cause he wants to experience other thigns to be sure i'm the one he wants.... any thoughts? advice? insight? we spoke today online and again he told me i'm not leaving him alone and that i'm not being fair to him. i know that i'm not...but he hasnt been fair to me with his back and forth the past few weeks....valentine's day weekend was very emotional and all of last week he was really nice and called me a few times....this week he seems to thikn we need to stop all communication saying that it is clear we cannot be friends and move on while talking. i dont want to move on...i love him so much. amazing how a break-up can make you so 100% sure that this is the person you really did want to spend the rest of your life with.....i've never felt this way about any other guy in my life (and the same was true of him). im pretty sure he wont call me for a while...we spoke on phone on tuesday and it was me crying and him yelling that i need to stop and that it has been a month and i still havent given hiim space (technically it is a month, but he was here two weeks ago, so it doesnt feel like a month cause when he was here it was like we were together). i dont know what to do....no contact is so hard. i dont have the willpower for it - esp since i miss him so much. i know that if he does call me again, it will probalby not be til my bday in a month......i know i cant talk to him til then, but it is so hard....
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 It is entirely possible to love someone and miss their company, but not want any part of a relationship with that person. It sounds like he misses you, not the relationship. I expect his falling out of love process was a long one, and a painful one - but it happened nonetheless. Now that his emotional break is nearing completion, he will have less and less tolerance for your need to have him back as time passes. He isn't there yet, but there will be a time where he will go from 'confusing' to 'cold', and you will hardly recognize him. That may be why he is demanding space, because he doesn't want to have to show you that cold side. If he is pushed, though he will. Its only a matter of time. A person in his position does not decide to come back because of anything you do or do not do. There is nothing you can say or do to make him come back. He's going to have to want that himself. That process will only happen if he has unbiased and uninterrupted time to think about you, what you mean to him and whether or not he can let you go. I think he knows that he will, but he still cares enough about you to not want to crush you completely. So, he does what he thinks is kindest by staying in contact with you - he is nostalgic and sad, but that won't bring him back. It just prolongs the 'goodbye'. When you love someone, you want to give your partner what he/she needs to make them happiest. Right now, this guy needs space so you'll need to let go of your own needs in this situation and give him that space. Let him know you love him, and that you'll miss him, but your heart can't handle this - initiate the NC and say your goodbyes. No contact is not a trick to get someone back. It is time for both partners to have some time to decide what to best do next - and in a case like this, it may be that the decisions that are made lead you on separate paths instead of on paths back to each other.
Author confusingdays12345 Posted February 27, 2005 Author Posted February 27, 2005 thanks for the reply.... one caveat: about two years ago during our relationship (when we were also not in the same place and were both having doubts - we took a short break - he started dating somebody else.....this crushed me and i fought for him back for like 2 months - he was mean and told me he didnt want to be wtih me anymore, etc....said he was moving on since we werent in same place and that he found someone new etc....) during this time i kept telling him how much i loved him and missed him - i didnt want to play games and just find another guy to make him jealous....finally after like 2 1/2 months he agreed to see me for lunch.....i saw him for lunch and in that one lunch he decided he wanted me back.....and dumped the other girl..... point of the story, during those 2 1/2 months he sounded A LOT like he sounds now....saying he doesnt want to be wiht me, who knows if we'll ever get back togehter, he is moving on, doesnt feel same way, etc.....and then he realized he was wrong.... maybe this gives me false hope, but i've seen him go from VERY cold to VERY hot in a short period of time....and when we got back together he felt so badly for how he treated me and we were together with no breakups from then til now..... so, it is hard to know what he is really feeling......sometimes i think he wants a break to see what else is out there, but stil lloves me....othertimes, i think he doesnt love me anymore otherwise he owuldnt be able to do this.... i'm going to try to give him the space he needs cause i dont want to bother him - it is just sooo hard. i compare every new guy i meet/date to him.
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