How long does one go before giving up

[69wogman]

I have recently gotten out of an 11 and a half year relationship and am really struggling to hold myself together, our relationship was perfect, the type you would see in movies. We had known each other since we were young, went to the same primary school and have been living together since we were both teens. Until just recently when she virtually just got up and left telling me we weren't compatible and she can’t be with me anymore.

 

Like any relationship we have had ups and downs but were able to work through them. She cheated on me with-in our first year of being together however i was able to forgive her as we were both young. Everything had been amazing until about 5 years ago when we moved to a different town into our own place, both leaving behind all our friends to start a new life. About 3 years ago she started cheating on me again she was going on late night walks hooking up with another woman we had met living down the street, when I found this out (from following her one night, she still denies it) I broke down so bad, it just about killed me knowing she was cheating again. I confronted her and told her if she’s going to cheat so I’m I, really I had no intentions on cheating on her but she did not know this I met a girl via facebook living about a 30 minute drive from where we lived so I started talking to her with intentions of making my partner jealous, (thinking about it now I’m not sure what this proves but I was just so angry at her for cheating), anyhow after several conversations and 1 visit to this new woman my girl begged me not to go see her anymore saying she still loves me and didn’t want to lose me. That’s all I ever wanted to hear I was so excited there was still love there, Just knowing she still wanted to be with me. I have always loved this girl so much, she has always brought out the best in me, i always feel happier when I’m with her, I just can’t picture life without her. so after all this, things where better than ever we were much more committed to each other than before, the last few years have been the best years of my life, everything was finally perfect.

 

She started volunteering at non for profit organisation the salvation army. . until a few days ago when she told me she can’t be with me anymore we just weren't compatible and she needs to be alone and see what she wants to do with her life. I begged her not to do this, to have a few month break to sort her life out if she needed it, just not to give up on us but she said she didn't want a boyfriend and within hours the people from the salvos were at my door helping her take all her stuff, I felt so helpless I broke down and begged her not to go. In front of everyone I tried everything but no matter what I said she had an excuse.

 

now she is treating me like a creep after 11 and a half years she has just moved out and has been advised not to stay in contact and to break all ties with me to make it easier for her, I don’t know where she is staying or even know if she is safe. since she has been gone i can’t sleep, I haven’t eaten properly in days, i cant think straight, everything just keeps reminding me of her, I not only lost my girl I lost my best friend, I've been able to get through the days telling myself she is coming back but as time goes by i slowly realize she doesn't love me anymore and isn't coming back, I’m just so lonely I live in a house by myself (she couldn't even leave me one of the two cats we owned) I feel more and more lost every day and just want the pain to stop please help. . . how long does one go before giving up, before moving on, disposing of anniversary gifts etc.

 

I will always love her but at the same time I begin to hate her For the way she has made me feel, I have found a comfit in reading other posts and can completely understand what they are going through and how they feel. I read a topic before about how one person of the two feel the pain of a break up more and it’s so so true.

[jacksonbrown33]

I'm very sorry to read this... It does sounds like you are going through a difficult time. I was in a similar situation where my partner hurt me a few times (broke up with me twice, communicated with ex-boyfriends while she was drunk or I was away, was very "wishy washy" in her feelings, etc...) times and I played the roll of the "good guy". I let her come back with open arms, gave her love, treated her well, forgave her, etc... Only to be let down again. After our final breakup, I'm finally realizing that I need to work on my confidence and sense of self worth. Neither what I've described above, nor what you outlined below would be termed as "normal" relationships.

 

If I were you, I'd try to take the bull by the horns and be the LEADER in this transition. I am working to focus on this word and what it really means in a situation like this... Show your partner that you are the one that owns your destiny, not them. You will own you emotions, not someone else. Stuff like that. My other suggestions that are working for me:

 

• Journal - Write out your feelings and track them.
  
• Check out "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott. I downloaded the audiobook and it's great. I listen to a portion of it everyday.
  
• Come up with a 60-day plan to help you get through this. What are you going to do to help yourself out of this situation.
  
• Try not to contact your partner or their friends and family. Gotta hold a line on this one.
  

Just some thoughts... Hang in there!

[shoegal4]

After our final breakup, I'm finally realizing that I need to work on my confidence and sense of self worth. Neither what I've described above, nor what you outlined below would be termed as "normal" relationships.

 

If I were you, I'd try to take the bull by the horns and be the LEADER in this transition. Show your partner that you are the one that owns your destiny, not them. You will own you emotions, not someone else.

 

wogman - take this advice and run with it. This is all honest, truthful guidance that you need to listen to! I myself got out of a 12 year relationship this year and the confidence and self worth part is what I've been working on. If your ex wants to break up - give her what she wants. Disappear. Move on with your life. If she comes back, she comes back but walk away with dignity and self-respect. You will be a better person coming out of this. I promise.

[BC1980]

Something that really struck me is that you say the relationship was perfect, like you see in movies, yet your ex was cheating on you multiple times. Then, you met up with someone on FB in an attempt to make her jealous. I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound perfect to me. It sounds like there were some serious issues here. 11 and a half years is a long time, so it's understandable that it is very difficult to let go.

 

As to your question of how long to wait before moving on, I would say immediately. I know the gut reaction is to hold on to any hope after this type of split, but you have no choice but to move on. I take a hard line with anniversary gifts or anything connected to your ex, and I suggest getting everything out of your sight. I understand if you don't want to trash everything because 11 years is a long time, and it would be darn near impossible to erase all memories or her. However, get rid of all pictures, cards, notes, anything sentimental. I would box up the most sentimental stuff and give it to a friend or stick it in the back of your closet where you can't get to it easily. It's hard to comprehend, but, at this point, the name of the game is to detach emotionally by disconnecting yourself from any and everything related to her. That might sound pretty extreme, but it often takes something extreme to get you through this.

 

I think you might also need to get some books on the grief process during a breakup. You're in the acute phase right now, and I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself right now, and know that your feelings are totally normal. You're probably still in a lot of denial and not really ready to accept it all. It's normal, and this is going to be a difficult road ahead.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want the book recommendations.

[69wogman]

So I woke up panting in a pool of sweat again, I have been having dramatic nightmares since the breakup, flash backs of sorts I keep feeling guilty, that I didn't pay her enough attention, show her enough affection, had I done things different, would things had gone the way they did.

 

I've had to reduce my hours to part time as I’m a complete mess, I’m beginning to wonder if I can even keep living this life style for two, the rent alone is more than I can really afford on my own plus the other bills she has left me with. Everything we did was for our future, now I begin to wonder if I should move to a smaller house or even different town leave all these haunting memories behind, but again certain things plague me. . What if she does come back, what is she needs me and I’m not here, I’m in another town. I have read several posts where people have moved and it was the worst thing they did. I keep looking for reasons to text her just so I can hear her voice just to be able to say I’m sorry all I have left is her mobile number but the phone number is in my name so I imagine she will change it soon leaving no means of communication. Also I feel that if I seem too needy she may push me away even more but if i leave it to long i may loose her completely.

 

I thought as days went by it would get easier but it’s just getting harder.

 

I wanted to thank everyone for all there help and support during this tough time also the advice that has been offered it really does help and mean a lot to me I thank you all so much I’m just such a mess at the moment and feel like I don’t have a friend in the world.

 

Also I just wanted to say "The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome is such a fantastic post it feels exactly like what I’m going through. Everything said was all so accurate.

[69wogman]

So it has been about a month since the break up and I thought I would update my post, many things have happened since I last posted, I've had the suicidal thoughts, hit the drugs and the booze which alternatively let me to start seeing a therapist. He tries to make me understand that it wasn't my fault. . (if only it was that easy ) anyhow so I've managed to sort through most of the stuff she left behind and box it up, most of it was littler items like some clothes, teddy’s, pet toys and photos etc. emotionally it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Everything seemed to hold memories and by packing it away it felt like I was the one giving up. It has taken me many days to remove all her stuff from my computers. I've kept all the photos and some letters as there are almost 12 years’ worth and I don’t just want to bin them. I used to speak with her mum and her nanna fairly often and am thinking about sending them the photos as I think they would like them. She does not get along with her mother so I would have to send them to her nanna, at this point I’m still not sure what she has told her family why we even broke up, not sure if you can even stay in contact with your ex’s family. . . previous posts say this is frowned upon? yet im to wonder is this because it takes longer for wounds to heal or does their family turn on you? About a week ago I made the grave mistake of texting her, (I know you guys told me not to) I didn't harp about the relationship I just tried to start convocation, see how she’s settling in and if the cats are ok (as i do worry about them). So she then turned her phone off for about 3 days. I hate the NC period I really do believe not having loved ones talk to you makes things so much worse.

 

On a positive note I’ve recently gone and changed the house around, brought new towels and furniture etc. Which has helped a little. However I’m still yet to depart with the bed. .

Edited August 27, 2014 by 69wogman