This is the toughest moment of my life. Leaving my wife for another person.

[PYork]

Hi all,

 

This is the first time that I post in a forum of this kind, but I thought about this like my last resort.

I'll try to make my story short, but it's not easy because so many things happened. I hope you guys can stay with me until the end.

 

I'm 38 and I met my wife when I was 20. We got married when I was 26. She was my first everything. First date, first intimate relationship...

I met her online in 1994. Different countries. We got married and I moved to the US.

 

Our relationship has been good during all these years. We had some problems though. She left me in 2003 because I was not the person she thought I

was. When I moved to the US it was hard for me to adapt and she felt lonely. She got in contact with an old friend who always liked each other and got in

love. Nothing happened though. I tried, tried and tried to have her back. 8 months later she decided to give me another chance.

Our second biggest problem has been sex. It was good during the first year, but then it became nothing. First because it was painful for her (she had some issues

from the past that affected her) and then because I was less and less attracted to her physically. We haven't done anything for about 10 years.

 

Since I met her I was never completely attracted to her physically.

I think she's gorgeous but never the kind of body and face that I really could feel more attracted. However we have always got along great. She has an incredibly positive

energy. Only her presence and her love for life makes you feel better. She loves and enjoys doing anything. It's always like the first time for her.

I have missed some intellectual connection though. Being able to talk about other things. Culture, politics, science, history... Nothing deep, just things who most people know.

But she never has been interested in learning those things, reading newspapers, and things like that. I have always missed that about her. However we always had subjects to talk

and I have been ok with that. Sex and this connection have been unmet needs for so many years. Also she is very disorganized. I'm the opposite. I can't rely on her to do something,

ask her for a favor. She always had an excuse. She procrastinates everything. She has been trying to finish her studies for so many years, while I was the only one working.

Now recently she did though.

 

Now something happened. 2 years ago I met a girl. She was married. We were just friends for a long time but suddenly we noticed an incredible connection. We liked the same things, we have the same

interests, we are both reliable. She has a great job. Successful. You can count on her about everything. We fell in love and something happened. I told my wife and she forgave me. She only wants me to be happy

and she's so different than the rest. She even let keep seeing her. She eventually even got friend of her. I told her that nothing would happen again. But it did. And then she forgave me

again. I always told my friend that I could not leave my wife for her. She eventually got divorced but always said that it wasn't because of me. It was because I showed her a new world

that she didn't know with her husband. My wife was still ok about me seeing her but the situation got more and more painful for everybody.

 

After some new arguments with my wife about her disorganization and hiding things from me, I decided to move out and have a normal relationship with this other person to see how that really could be.

Besides the constant sadness about the tough situation, everything with this other person has been great so far, including sex.

My wife decided to wait for me. We have been like that for 6 months now and this is my final week. My rent ends and I need to decide what to do. Both of them have been about to leave me

a few times because of the pain I'm causing, but they are still there. It's worst than ever.

 

I don't know what to do. The situation is incredibly painful. The worst thing is the pain I'm causing. I don't sleep. I don't eat. I don't want to lose them.

I only cry and cry. Last weekend my girlfriend decided to leave me. She couldn't take it anymore. She was mean to me though. However on the next day she regretted so

much. She held my waist while asking me not to leave her. That broke me. I always feel manipulated by their emotions. I can't see them suffering.

 

Another thing I haven't mentioned is that we don't have kids. We postponed it and postponed. However just at the worst time she can't wait any longer.

My wife even told me that if I decide to go with my girlfriend, she wants me to be the donor. She would also give me the option to sign some papers so I don't have any responsibilities with the baby.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, if would be ok if I still want to take care of my son and see him/her regularly...

 

My girlfriend is incredibly smart, knows about everything, passionate, reliable. She likes exactly the same things I do and she shows me every single day how much she loves me.

She always has incredibly details. Unbelievable. She is also very sensible. She could cry about anything. So vulnerable.

 

My wife doesn't have those things, but her presence just changes my day. She makes me smile even when I'm very sad. She's so positive. My girlfriend can make me smile

and laugh, but my wife gives me some joy, enlightens my soul somehow.

 

What can I do? My girlfriend is a person in millions. I don't know that somebody like her could exist. The perfect connection. I know I could be very happy

with her. However my wife has that joy and that past together for so many years.

 

Is sex really important as we get older? Maybe somebody older than me could tell me? If I stay with my wife and still do nothing, could be a major problem again?

Do all man end up desiring other women sooner or later? At this moment I can't think about other women doing anything with them. My physical and sexual attraction is only

for my girlfriend.

 

If you got here, thanks so much for taking the time to read my story. There is so much more, but I couldn't make this longer.

I need to make a decision this week. I'm so scared about the conclusion. About the pain I'm going to cause to one of them; about my own pain.

Please help me. Anything that you would think that could help me somehow. I have been seen several therapists but unfortunately the one that was being able to help me somehow

had some family emergencies and I haven't been able to see him for a few weeks now.

 

Thanks for all your help.

[CarrieT]

Is sex really important as we get older?

 

Yep, it surely is. And you have gone too long without a life-affirming relationship.

 

I think you should have separated from your wife years ago as you two are not the people you want in your lives. That much is obvious.

 

Separate and divorce amicably.

[Chi townD]

I think you're coming to the wrong site, dude.

 

 

Don't expect a lot of sympathy for your situation.

[mightycpa]

Is keeping both of them an option in your culture/country?

[PYork]

Yep, it surely is. And you have gone too long without a life-affirming relationship.

 

I think you should have separated from your wife years ago as you two are not the people you want in your lives. That much is obvious.

 

Separate and divorce amicably.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

But even if we haven't had that, we had many other things and been happy together.

[PYork]

Is keeping both of them an option in your culture/country?

 

No, we cannot do that.

[PYork]

I think you're coming to the wrong site, dude.

 

 

Don't expect a lot of sympathy for your situation.

 

Did I do something terrible? Why people should act that way?

I never thought I could be in a situation like this until it happened.

[Chi townD]

Did I do something terrible? Why people should act that way?

I never thought I could be in a situation like this until it happened.

 

 

Because you're a married man with a girlfriend and stringing your wife along to the point where she so desperate that she's asking for you to be a sperm donor!

 

 

You're coming to a site where a lot of folks have been hurt by the same actions that you're currently doing to your wife. It's going to trigger people and remind them of their own pain.

[goldengirl11]

I'm amazed your wife has been so patient and forgiving. She sounds rather insecure. I hope she meets someone who deserves her and wants to have her children. Wanting you as a sperm donor sounds rather desperate to me. Hopefully she will decide to split with you, for a more worthy partner. Through internet dating perhaps? All the best.

[mightycpa]

So your options are:

 

1) Stay with a wife that you don't love or like

2) Leave your wife for a cheating spouse

3) Leave both your wife and your cheating spouse girlfriend

 

It is not about the sex. If it was, I'd tell you to just hire hookers whenever you feel the need. It is not about giddy, romantic love either. That goes away eventually for most people.

 

You don't have the intellectual/interests connection with the wife, but you do with the GF. Both you and GF are cheaters. Both you and GF are willing to leave spouses. Your wife seems to want to avoid that.

 

If you must choose, I say do wife a favor, and go with cheating GF.

[Closetotheedge]

Don't like the way you have been treating your wife

 

your WIFE

 

but if you have to make a choice,be with your cheating GF,and let your wife have a healthy reletionship in her future.

[HereNorThere]

Man, you are super good at the whole rationalization/justification thing. Have you ever considered being in sales?

 

Look, you've already checked out of the relationship with your wife. Cut the cord and let her be free. If she's as good a person as you say she is, she deserves it.

[HermioneG]

Did I do something terrible? Why people should act that way?

I never thought I could be in a situation like this until it happened.

 

Betraying your wife in this way is something terrible.

 

Leaving for another person is terrible, not just for your wife, but for the pressure it places on that person, because a healthy person ends a marriage free from all entanglements, heals and centers, then looks to be part of a strong relationship.

 

I wish your wife well as she navigates through this. I hope you give her the parting gift of complete honesty, so that she can move forward.

[SummerDreams]

I read only the first post and I have to tell you this: you seem to base and lead your life according to what other people do or want. You don't seem strong enough to decide what you want to do for yourself. I think this is the reason why you are between two situations, two women. I think both know that they can manipulate you really well and that's what they are doing. Maybe cause they know you are too sensitive to hurt them. Nor your partners nor us not anyone else can make this decision for you. In my opinion you should distance yourself from these 2 people for a while and think, putting yourself first for a change. I get the feeling that you always just followed the situations and others' decisions in your life and you don't know how to make a decision yourself. I'd suggest, leave for a while and think what makes YOU happy. You will cause pain, that's for sure, but it will be less than leaving this situation going on and on forever. Make this decision that will set all three of you free. And for heaven's sake, if you choose your gf do not have a child with your (ex to be) wife! You have to learn to take life in your own hands and mostly, you should learn to say NO!

[No Limit]

How can you call the other chick a GF when she's married?

 

Other than that, stop crying and get the divorce papers. Your wife deserves better.

[RightThere]

After some new arguments with my wife about her disorganization and hiding things from me,

 

That's rich. You fought with her because she was hiding things from you?

 

What you are looking for is everyone here to tell you that it's going to be OK if you leave your wife and move in with your girlfriend. Because you are already done with your wife. You feel guilt because you did it in a classless way.

 

So here you go. Everything is going to be great if you leave your wife and start a new life with your girlfriend.

[BeingMe]

I read only the first post and I have to tell you this: you seem to base and lead your life according to what other people do or want. You don't seem strong enough to decide what you want to do for yourself.

 

I disagree with this completely.

 

You knowingly had an affair, knowing that it would hurt your wife. You expected her to end the marriage but she didn't, so rather than be the 'bad guy' and end it yourself, openly, you cheated again and again....I think this is the crux of the matter.

 

You paint yourself as some kind of victim in all this?

 

No. You have made choice after choice.

 

The only problem you face is that, truly, you seem to want someone else to make the decision so that you're not 'that guy' who has multiple affairs and walks away from his faithful wife, rather than being honest with her that you just don't want to be married any more.

 

Well guess what? Too late. You ARE that guy.

 

It also doesn't read like you love either your wife or the other woman. It reads like you just want out of the marriage and want female attention. It doesn't read like you're actually worried about either of them as real human beings with actual feelings. The only feelings you seem to consider are your own. Look at all the "I" statements you make,, and how when they get upset, the women in your life are trying to manipulate you...you don't allow the possibility that their feelings are real.

 

You show no remorse for having destroyed 2 marriages. You show no empathy for anyone. You only display a 'pity me' victim attitude, which is complete rubbish, given that this is all the result of decisions that you have made. Put your big boy boots on, take responsibility for yourself and your choices and stop trying to get sympathy for a terrible situation that you created.

[BetrayedH]

My advice...make a decision. Stop dragging these two women's hearts thru the mud.

[anika99]

I disagree with this completely.

 

You knowingly had an affair, knowing that it would hurt your wife. You expected her to end the marriage but she didn't, so rather than be the 'bad guy' and end it yourself, openly, you cheated again and again....I think this is the crux of the matter.

 

You paint yourself as some kind of victim in all this?

 

No. You have made choice after choice.

 

The only problem you face is that, truly, you seem to want someone else to make the decision so that you're not 'that guy' who has multiple affairs and walks away from his faithful wife, rather than being honest with her that you just don't want to be married any more.

 

Well guess what? Too late. You ARE that guy.

 

It also doesn't read like you love either your wife or the other woman. It reads like you just want out of the marriage and want female attention. It doesn't read like you're actually worried about either of them as real human beings with actual feelings. The only feelings you seem to consider are your own. Look at all the "I" statements you make,, and how when they get upset, the women in your life are trying to manipulate you...you don't allow the possibility that their feelings are real.

 

You show no remorse for having destroyed 2 marriages. You show no empathy for anyone. You only display a 'pity me' victim attitude, which is complete rubbish, given that this is all the result of decisions that you have made. Put your big boy boots on, take responsibility for yourself and your choices and stop trying to get sympathy for a terrible situation that you created.

 

I have a different take. I don't think the problem is that the OP lives his life according to what others want or that he doesn't want to be the bad guy and take responsibility for making a decision. I think he has made a decision and that decision it to selfishly hold onto both women. In his OP he lists different qualities of each woman and talks about how they both meet different needs. He even says "I don't want to lose them"

 

 

OP I think you are just plain selfish. You have two women meeting your needs and you love it. You know that in order to have either relationship be successful you have to give the other one up but you are greedy and unwilling to give any one up because of the loss to you. You don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You only care about you getting everything that you want. I do agree that it doesn't seem like you really love either woman. Oh I'm sure you have loving feelings for them, but only because they cater to you and make you feel important. Your brand of love is very selfish and immature and I think in the end your greed in trying to keep both women will lead to you having neither.

[Appreciate]

Agreed.

 

You feel torn, we get that. It's natural for the position you are in, but to all of us it seems selfish and uncaring (pulling hearts on strings).

 

You probably don't want to hurt anyone.. but you are. Acting, not acting.. all of this will lead to some pain or another. Limbo is the WORST. Don't drag it out.

[GoBlue]

I am not really sure what you are looking for...I suppose your question can be boiled down to this, "Is sex still important to a married couple as they get older?" The answer is "yes", sexual intimacy is important at every stage of marriage. A marriage without sex has some fundamental problems that need to be looked at honestly and objectively. A marriage is not "sex" but sex is the glue that binds a husband and wife together. Have the two of you ever gone to counseling?

 

Marriage is relationship - a loving relationship between two people who are committed to one another and who want to meet each other's needs. When that reality breaks down, the relationship needs help to get back on track. For that reason, having an affair is not a good option. I mean let's be honest, your marriage has issues, that's clear, but do you really think that the relationship you have with a MARRIED woman doesn't? Where do you think this affair is going - happily ever-after? That's very unlikely.

 

There is help available when married partners decide to do the hard work necessary to rekindle their love and have a healthy relationship. I am a divorced man who wishes that he could go back in time and do whatever he could to save his failed marriage. Unfortunately, none of us can go back in time, we can only control the choices we make today. If you would like some recommendations for help please send me a private message. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[whichwayisup]

Be on your own and alone for a while. You've just bounced out of your marriage and the next day moved in with someone else. How the heck is that healthy?

 

Get some counseling to help sort yourself out.

 

It's unfair and cruel to both women to make them wait. To try out another relationship, see if it works, if it does, you D your wife. If not, you go back to your wife.

 

Your wife is desperate, wanting you to be her donor regardless if you leave or stay!

[Appreciate]

OP, you still there?