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Coping with others' happiness after the BU?

Arient

By Arient
in Coping

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Arient Established Member

Arient

Posted
Posted

Hi all,

 

Just wonder if you have the same problem, and if you can offer some suggestions for me. It has been 5 months since my nearly-4-year relationship ended. I'm still struggling but it's getting better. However, I still find it so hard coping with others' happiness. After the BU, I actually got scared of going to Facebook just to see other couples' lovey dovey pictures, their marriages, kids...etc. I actually had to Unfollow some of the people to be able to avoid that. Anytime a love picture showed up, I can't help but feeling so sad and envious of those still in love.

 

At the end of this month, I will have 4 marriages to attend, all are from my friends'. However, I feel so bad for not feeling that happy for them. I always feel sad for myself, the pre-wedding pictures of them remind me of my ex and our plan of being together permanently, these kinds of thinking really kill off my genuine happiness for my friends. I'm really happy for them, but I feel so unhappy for myself that I'm afraid, I will show up at those weddings in such terrible mood. Am I a bad person/friend? I feel so bad of myself to have such kinds of thoughts and feelings :(

  • Like 2
No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

No, it's completely natural for you to feel this way. After all you're being inevitably reminded of "better times", even if they were only in construction.

 

Actually I hope the people who invited you to their weddings have some minor plans to raise your spirits. Just don't fall into bitterness-mod.

love1336x Established Member

love1336x

Posted
Posted

My friends are going through the opposite of marriage!

More like having affairs, arguments, and break ups!

It makes me feel... sadder. I might not be alone, but at the same time. I don't like not knowing things aren't working out.

 

I think I would feel whole hell lot better if I saw marriages, because it would give me such a sense of hope for the future!

Like hey! If this person getting married so can I! (not because there are bad person) but because they give it they all! and now watching their dreams come true.

  • Like 1
Lostdreams Member

Lostdreams

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Yes I agree with l1336x and I only broke up 6 weeks ago so still hurting some

 

Seeing others happy together, my friends at a wedding, a new baby - gives me hope and love is beautiful.

 

I may not have somebody to share it with right now - but love - and the love or love - is still firmly in me and I definitely won't let being dumped rob me of that

  • Like 2
guest569 Established Member

guest569

Posted
Posted

It still hurts me after 7 months. It's not to do with jealousy or bitterness. Seeing happy couples just makes me think of my ex and realise it is actually over. I am surrounded by people in pretty unhealthy relationships too and I can't understand why ours ended when it was pretty damn good.

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Arient Established Member

Arient

Posted
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No, it's completely natural for you to feel this way. After all you're being inevitably reminded of "better times", even if they were only in construction.

 

Actually I hope the people who invited you to their weddings have some minor plans to raise your spirits. Just don't fall into bitterness-mod.

 

Thank you :) I feel better about myself when hearing that it's natural to feel so. I will try to raise my spirit up before the weddings, as I don't think that the people inviting me can actually think about something so nice :) They are those that asked me "did you get any new guy yet?" after my 3,5-year relationship ended just for 4 weeks. We're just seeing love a little bit different I guess :)

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Arient Established Member

Arient

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Hi love1336x and Lostdreams, thank you for a nice suggestion :) However, I think it's a little bit difficult for me here. I want to be able to do and think like you two, but the problem is my mind or my feeling just don't do that :) I still feel things like that, like, happy for my friends and hope...etc, but it's just not as big as the sadness when all those wedding related stuffs make me miss my ex and our future-would-be together :) Moreover, when looking at those weddings, I actually lost a little bit of hope for 'love comes true' though. I'm entering the dangerous 'leftover' phase already in my country, and those who have the weddings are mostly younger than me. Some getting married just because they 'coming at age', not because of love but more like because it's time, it's something you've gotta do at that age. So they don't 'waste' time like me to find a strong, true love. I'm just feeling like I'm too old-fashioned or romantic in such a material place like where I'm living...

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Arient Established Member

Arient

Posted
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It still hurts me after 7 months. It's not to do with jealousy or bitterness. Seeing happy couples just makes me think of my ex and realise it is actually over. I am surrounded by people in pretty unhealthy relationships too and I can't understand why ours ended when it was pretty damn good.

 

I understand what you mean so so so much :( For me, it's the memories and the would-be that are killing me. Being in a god damn good relationship kinda sucks when it ends. To make it worse, since our engagement was supposed to happen around this time of the year, just by looking at couples' celebration pics make me sad. I just constantly think that, if we worked it through, then by now.... :(

Lostdreams Member

Lostdreams

Posted
Posted (edited)

Hi Arient,

 

I have been into some self-help stuff - and yes some of it is pretty useless (especially the "How to get your Ex back" cr*p) - but one thing I read has really jumped out at me and helped.

 

Basically we are responsible for how we feel about things. You can chose if you see the glass as half empty or as half full.

 

It's not he/she or the situation which makes me feel like I do - it's simply my reaction to it and how I let it affect me. If you can grasp this and re-educate your thought paths it can change your outlook progressively

 

You said it's the memories and the would-be that are killing me - I feel for you but he is not responsible for these thoughts - you are fuelling them and how they affect you (I do the same).

 

Believe me it's not perfect everyday and we all go through days when it's only tears and negative feelings - but this tip has helped me to understand that basically I can decide how thoughts make me suffer and I can also determine how long I want to continue suffering I think this can be useful not only for break-ups but also in every day life with friends, your boss, your parents etc.

 

Stick to your belief and search a strong - true love - you deserve it

Edited by Lostdreams
  • Like 2
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

Facebook is filled with make-believe lives. A study was conducted, and the conclusion was that the least happy people filled their pages with the most happy content. It is a face that people wish to present to the world.

 

You never see anybody posting a video of yelling at their kids, do you?

  • Like 5
Peacock_Tail Member

Peacock_Tail

Posted
Posted

**** them. Very much. And focus on you. :)

  • Like 1
love1336x Established Member

love1336x

Posted
Posted
Facebook is filled with make-believe lives. A study was conducted, and the conclusion was that the least happy people filled their pages with the most happy content. It is a face that people wish to present to the world.

 

You never see anybody posting a video of yelling at their kids, do you?

 

Lol. Yup I do this pretend Im extremely happy because why give people a reason to smile at my mistakes and downfalls?

moniker New Member

moniker

Posted
Posted

Arient, since my break up (almost 5 months ago) I've stood in one wedding, and been invited to two others (will probably being going single). I completely understand where you are coming from. At the most recent wedding I was one of the few without a date, seeing all the (apparently) happy couples was a downer, it's hard not to think about your loss or make a comparison. As other have said, you aren't a bad person for doing this, it's been normal for me as well.

 

I will say this about the wedding experience though, it was one of the few fun times I've had since the breakup. It wasn't 100% of the time, but there were moments I zoned out and was just having a good time, it's hard not to during certain parts of a wedding/reception. You'll probably think about your ex at times during the wedding, prepare yourself for that, but being surrounded by friends, dancing, you'll have a good time, try and look forward to the positives you know you'll have.

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Arient Established Member

Arient

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Hi Arient,

 

I have been into some self-help stuff - and yes some of it is pretty useless (especially the "How to get your Ex back" cr*p) - but one thing I read has really jumped out at me and helped.

 

Basically we are responsible for how we feel about things. You can chose if you see the glass as half empty or as half full.

 

It's not he/she or the situation which makes me feel like I do - it's simply my reaction to it and how I let it affect me. If you can grasp this and re-educate your thought paths it can change your outlook progressively

 

You said it's the memories and the would-be that are killing me - I feel for you but he is not responsible for these thoughts - you are fuelling them and how they affect you (I do the same).

 

Believe me it's not perfect everyday and we all go through days when it's only tears and negative feelings - but this tip has helped me to understand that basically I can decide how thoughts make me suffer and I can also determine how long I want to continue suffering I think this can be useful not only for break-ups but also in every day life with friends, your boss, your parents etc.

 

Stick to your belief and search a strong - true love - you deserve it

 

Thank you so much :) It really helped me. I know I will still stick to my belief of searching for a strong true love, because my heart is quite stubborn and is not capable of settling for less :p It's quite funny though that what you said really remind me of my ex and what he would advise me in this case, as he's studying in psychology :) So I will practice more to be able to control my thoughts and feelings :D It's so weird that sometimes, I feel that this break up is like a gift in disguise so I can grow more as a person :)

  • Like 1
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Arient Established Member

Arient

Posted
  • Author
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Arient, since my break up (almost 5 months ago) I've stood in one wedding, and been invited to two others (will probably being going single). I completely understand where you are coming from. At the most recent wedding I was one of the few without a date, seeing all the (apparently) happy couples was a downer, it's hard not to think about your loss or make a comparison. As other have said, you aren't a bad person for doing this, it's been normal for me as well.

 

I will say this about the wedding experience though, it was one of the few fun times I've had since the breakup. It wasn't 100% of the time, but there were moments I zoned out and was just having a good time, it's hard not to during certain parts of a wedding/reception. You'll probably think about your ex at times during the wedding, prepare yourself for that, but being surrounded by friends, dancing, you'll have a good time, try and look forward to the positives you know you'll have.

 

Hi Moniker, thank you for encouraging me. I also be able to start imagining myself feeling happy and having a good time in the upcoming weddings. I think instead of choosing to be depressed, I'd rather be a happy newly single instead :) After all, it's a good chance to meet some of the old friends, dress up nicely, and have fun. :D

Reels Established Member

Reels

Posted
Posted

After your break up, you really don't take any other relationship that seriously.

 

I don't think that you can control, it is by time, just watch your steps.

  • Like 1
  • 4 weeks later...
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Arient Established Member

Arient

Posted
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Posted

Hi guys, just want to give a little bit update :) I have been to all 4 weddings already. I have to admit that the first one was quite tough for me, as I only knew the bride and none of our mutual friends managed to show up at the wedding, so I was quite lonely there. I did feel very happy for them, but looking at their loving pictures really did make me feel very sad.

But I think it went better and better with later ones. I dressed up nicely, had nice talks, and I felt so glad and happy being in the later weddings. Sometimes I still missed my ex, but overall, I felt so happy for my friends :) It was also very good to have nice conversations with people. I got a lot of compliments too :D So it boosted my confidence quite well. I will keep going forward and enjoying my single life for a while, but I believe that soon, I will be able to disembark on my journey to find love again, and who knows, to end up like my friends :D

  • Like 1
Reels Established Member

Reels

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Posted

That's good, but still not enough.

 

Compliments are sometimes treated like throwaway commentaries, because the person you don't like will be always liked by some other person.. It is mostly up to you that what you have done around, makes it more impressive.

 

So if you have any plans of doing something in basic and practical life. Good luck.

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Arient Established Member

Arient

Posted
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That's good, but still not enough.

 

Compliments are sometimes treated like throwaway commentaries, because the person you don't like will be always liked by some other person.. It is mostly up to you that what you have done around, makes it more impressive.

 

So if you have any plans of doing something in basic and practical life. Good luck.

 

Thank you :) I managed to do a few things, but still struggled somewhat. I actually have a lot of plans now, and will try to gradually implement them :D

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