fyrwyfe Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Hi all - need a little advice here. My 15 year old (16 in May) has had a 'girlfriend' for the last few months; has been friends with her for some time. They are starting to get pretty attached; I'll notice things like him playing with the button on her jeans, I've seen them kiss, they talk on the phone all the time - you know, basic teenage stuff. But... I noticed on his cell phone some sexual text messages, both from my son & to him from his girlfriend, pretty graphic really, and now we know they have fooled around more than we suspected. We brought one to his attention and then had another birds & bees-type discussion & explained the do's & the dont's. DH gave him condoms as a just in case but told him we are not condoning it & he's too young for sex. Son said he's not ready for it himself - I don't believe he really feels that way. Not happy to give him condoms but realize that if he really wants to have sex he will find a way because we cannot be with him 24/7. We don't let them go everywhere together, they are never alone when they are here, she does not go into his bedroom, etc. He has gone to her house but it's when her parents are home, & they are strict like us. He was in her bedroom one night when I picked him up because I saw them look through the blinds - he said they were just looking at yearbooks, the door was open & her dad walked by many times. I told him "not okay" or he won't go over there anymore. They have gone to the movies once or twice. They have sat in our spa together, usually with his little brother in there with them, and the porch lights on spa light are on. We can see out there much better than they can see in, especially when the lights are dim in the house, and we have 2 back doors to look out of, one of which is in a pitch-black bedroom they can't see in at all. So they know we can, and do, watch them. I'm still not entirely comfortable with that situation, but DH says not to worry, they may fool around in there but definately won't try 'sex'. Hmmm. Wondering where they have had the opportunity to fool around beyond kissing....? Movies? Heard it's a popular place amongst teens, but I can't really stop him from going to the movies now can I? Spa? School? (don't see how but have heard things do happen there...) Not sure what all I should allow at this point, and not sure about the whole condoms thing... any advice? Perhaps we should talk to her parents about it getting pretty heavy? Since I don't know where they've fooled around maybe I should ask her parents what their rules are with boyfriends at home...?
niko1999 Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Well, the thing is if they want to, they will find a place to. And you cant really tell him no either. I mean, you can, but he wont listen. When he feels he is ready to "take the plunge" then he will do so. You can tell him no all you want. Probably the smartest thing you could have done, which you did, was talk to him again, and, though not condoning it, giving him condoms. Becuase though 15 sounds young to be having sex, the sad thing is, these days it really isnt that young. So make sure he is so fully aware of safe sex, what aids is, exactly HOW a girl gets pregnant. And if you are close enough to her parents, then feel free to talk to them. Or ask your son if she is on birth control, because if she isnt, she probably needs to be. I recall thinking I was so smooth, thinking I was hiding so much from my mother, when she knew all along. And her mother probably has a pretty good idea too. But the best you can do, is just continue to reiterate to him on the practices of safe sex. Becuase pregnancy has ways of being dealt with that STDs dont. HTH
elle naturelle Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Maybe talking to them together and telling them the options so that she is part of the discussion. For me, as a female, it was critical that my mom was there to talk about birth control, etc. On that note, the girlfriend could be "disappointed" if you talk to her parents without prenotifying her and discussing with her your intentions. I understand that they are not adults... yet... but talking to them together or "woman to woman" one on one, may atleast give her the outlet she does not or may not have at home. it may also trigger her to ask her own mom for help if that is the way things are in her home. Thats what I intend to do if I have children... unless there is a shot you can give them to obstain from sex.
roxy_1980 Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 If they really want to have sex, they will. As for where they are starting to fool around, kids don't really care anymore. The woods, the park, the hardly used stairwell at school, anywhere. You did the right thing giving him condoms, usually the first time they wo't go buy their own and if they don't have one kids will go without. The invincibility complex creeping up again. As for condoning, when I was 14 my brother got a girl pregnant (he was 19) and my parents put me on the pill. But I didn't have sex till college, so it doesn't always work that way. Of course, I was practically living in an after school special with my bro and his gf and the kid living there. If only every kid was exposed to that reality of pregnancy that I had, there'd be less teen pregnancy. Furthermore, they may not be doing all that you think that they might. Alot of kids do talk big with no action to be cool. Sounds like a cliche but still true. Keep watching them. Talk to her parents if you find it prudent. You're doing a good job.
Author fyrwyfe Posted February 27, 2005 Author Posted February 27, 2005 Thanks for your input & advice. I do need to talk to him more; DH has had some pretty good talks with him, so at least he's hearing it from one of us. Hard subject to talk about with kids, especially when they sit there rolling their eyes or try anything to get themselves out of the room. I'm gonna run the 'speaking to her parents' idea by my DH another time, see what he thinks. Planned Parenthood site online has a lot of information - I printed a few pages this morning for him to read, and he accepted them with an eye roll I love having all of you here to talk to & bounce ideas off of - thanks!
Merin Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Talking about sex with your kids I'm sure isn't easy.. My Oldest is only 7.. LOL so thankfully she is awhile away from having to have a *serious discussion* As the others have said.. IF your son wants to have sex.. he's going to regardless of what you say to him.. so I do commend you and your husband for letting him know that while you don't agree with this choice IF that is what he is thinking.. that you are also giving him a lot of good information on being "safe" IF that is what he chooses to do. Honestly although your son is rolling his eyes and doesn't seem to be hearing you.. he probably is hearing you and taking in what you're saying to him.. but of course like any other teenager he thinks you're making *to much* of this and it embarrases him.. BUT I say better to embarrass him with giving him information on sex and providing condoms for him.. then for him and his GF to have to come to you with news of an unwanted/unplanned pregnancy. Seems to me you're being a responsilbe parent who isn't naive to what the possibilities are and thank God you've got enough backbone to talk to your Kiddo about a subject a lot of parents just want to slide under a rug and pretend it isn't happening. Good Luck with things
cyberbabie30 Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Hi Fyrwyfe I know what your going through. I also have a 15 year old boy who will be 16 the end of march. I did the same things as you did, the talk the comdoms. but i also found play boy books and an x-rated video tape in his room. I told him im to young to be a grandmother. But the girls keep chasing him. Ahh the teen years its a tuff time for them and can be stressful on us as parents. I also know they will find a way if they want to have sex no matter what we tell them The only thing i feel i can do is keep telling my son what could happen if he should have sex and what could happen if he gets a girl pregnant or contacts stds or aids etc. I also keep telling him how important it is to practice safe sex. And of course I gave mine the talk on how beautiful sex is when your with someone your married to and in love with. I also told mine to that i thought he was to young and that he had plenty of time to experience sex when he was old enough and really cared for a woman.
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Wow, it is really amazing how different people's cultural perspectives on sex can be. When I read your post, my first thought was, "They're fifteen! OF COURSE they know about sex! And OF COURSE they want to do it!!" Personally, I was his age in the mid-nineties, and it was completely normal among high school sophomores who were dating to begin having sex. By my senior year, if two people were in a relationship, nobody would really question whether or not they were having sex. OF COURSE they were! Mostly, we didn't view this as a bad thing, we just thought it better to keep our parents from finding out so they wouldn't get anxious-- silly parents! As for where they are doing it, yeah, I think I can verify-- anywhere they can! The car, the spa, your basement, the bathroom, the playground, the woods, the barely used stairwell at school-- let's face it, when people want to do it and it is not condoned by others, they WILL find a way! And to tell you the truth, in 20 years they will both remember those teenage encounters with fond nostalgia. I spent a few months in France, and found their culture to be even more accepting of sexuality than what I was used to in my area of America. I found out that their culture really values privacy, so a parent of a kid of any age would always knock before going into their kids bedroom, and never rummage through their drawers or anything-- that would be a violation of privacy. Question to the parents among you who would be really concerned to find out that your teenager was beginning to have some lustful encounters with a girlfriend or boyfriend-- why would this alarm you so??
DandyBo Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 I'm 16 , turning 17 this September. Honestly, from a teenage boy's point of view, I sometimes don't listen to my parents advice because i believe that at this age, I am matured enough to make my own decision, though I have to confess that most of the decisions made are usually wrong. However I'm glad that I've committed those mistakes as it teaches me a lot and made me realise how rash a teenage could be. That made me more careful and alert when taking the next step in life, by thinking of consequences for every action that I'm going to make. But of course, in such a scenario (pre-marital sex), making such mistake cost a lifetime of punishment. So, my suggestion is, don't just do plain talkin, it doesn't help much, instead, make him think deeper and let him imagine the situation that he might have to go through. Tell him, there's still risk even when doing safe sex, though is low, but there's still that small chance of getting her pregnant. But make sure, it's NO PLAIN TALKING.
RecordProducer Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Fyrwyfe, you and your husband should let your son breathe a little bit. Most of my friends have started their sexual lives before 16. You're killing your son. Why shouldn't he have sex with his girlfriend? Are you one of those jealous mothers who won't let his son have sex with anyone? What age do you consider normal to start sex? What I read here is outrageous. I can't believe parents wouldn't let his son be alone with his girlfriend. And obviously you control your husband the way you want to. He is your marionette if he can listen to you about such a foolish thing. Besides, I am pretty sure they have already tried it or they will very soon, regardless of what you want. It doesn't seem that you care about your son, but more like you're jealous. I have two sons and can't imagine ruining their first love in a few years, when the time comes, like you do.
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Oh RecordProducer, why do you assume the worst of Fyrwyfe? I really think something is getting lost in cultural translation here. I know you are in Europe, RP, and I appreciate and prefer the perspective of the Western Euros on this, but I think I have a better understanding of this woman's perspective being from the same country and having so recenty been her son's age. She is not jealous of her son's sex life, nor is there anything about her post that suggests that her hubbie is her puppet. Seems to me more like she and hubbie are on the same page here. Her anxiety over her son's sex life stems not from jealousy, but genuine parental concern. This is something you will have to understand about American parents, RP, they have trouble imagining that their kids can be having sex without all kinds of risk-- of what I am not entirely sure-- mostly infections and pregnancy I think, maybe that it will somehow cause them psychological damage too. The funny thing to me is that in this country we (collective we, not really ME) have all these fears about the terrible risks of teens having sex, but when they get to be young adults, suddenly we're not so terrified. The possibility of STI's is still there (greater even, because people's partners will have had more partners, and hence more chance for contracting one) and so is the possibility of pregnancy. Yet we assume a 25 y-o will have the maturity and the knowledge to safeguard him/herself against this and accept as perfectly normal that a person of this age would be having sex. Yes, I fully understand that a 25-y-o IS in fact more mature than a 15-y-o, and therefore might be more inclined to be responsible. I say, all the more reason to prepare kids to take the necessary precautions, and then get out of their way to let them live their life. But I suspect that what REALLY worries American parents is not just the possibility of STI's and pregnancy. I suspect that, for the most part, parents are just REALLY uncomfortable with the idea of their teenager having sex. Many of today's parents were teenagers in a time and place where it was thought unfathomable for a kid to do what many kids now do. And it still strikes parents as incomprehensible that their kids could actually be doing those things, understanding what they are doing, wanting to do it, and be perfectly physically safe and psychologically healthy. Honestly, as someone who was so recently a teen, I can tell you, they CAN. You know why teens roll their eyes and try to run from the room when their parents start in on the "birds and bees" and the "do's and dont's"??? Because the parents appear RIDICULOUS from the teen's point of view! More than anything, they appear totally naive!! Think of it this way. When the parents were teens, the "culture of teenagers" was different. Teens of yesteryear had their way of thinking about sex-- maybe that it was some mysterious elusive act out of the realm of possibility for them, maybe it was an act that could only be done to consummate true love, maybe it was something only married people did, maybe it was something that could get you in Big Trouble. I don't know, I wasn't around in that time. But the "culture of teenagers" now is different. The culture is more permissive. Sex is something to fantasize about, sex is something to talk openly about (as long as it is out of earshot of those naive parents), to look up information about everywhere from porn to Cosmo and Maxim magazines to their school health textbooks to Planned Parenthood. And certainly, sex is something to try to do if you feel ready and comfortable with it. When parents try to talk to their kids about sex, they are speaking the language of another culture, foreign to kids' way of thinking. Parents try to stress the risks as if kids didn't know. But they have been been force-fed information about the risks of sex every year in school health classes for probably 2, 3, 4 years by the time they are 16. Trust me, they know. Compound that with the fact that the parents approach the Talk with such anxiety and awkwardness in such stark contrast to the easy humor, vulgarity, eagerness, lust, sincerity, and yes, sometimes even tenderness with which teens talk about sex with each other when the parents are out of earshot. (Of course they don't usually talk about it in all of these ways at the same time. Just like grown-ups, teens' feelings about sex vary depending on mood, the kind of relationship they are having, etc.) Fyrwife, does this comfort you at all? What do you think (and what do the others think) about the possibility that it is perfectly okay for teens to fool around in all kinds of ways, including going "all the way"??
moimeme Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 RP, you are way over the top on this one. Chill. Fyrwyfe, it's good you're discussing this. Kids should have 'the talk' long before puberty because stats are showing that kids are having sex in droves - at very early ages. It's great that both you and your husband are talking to him about this and it's great that you gave him the condoms. Too many parents are trying to pretend their kids aren't going to have sex but you know that once the hormones get going, common sense flies away. It's not as if kids in your school didn't get pregnant at 15 and younger - they just 'went away' for a while. You're doing the right thing in keeping communication open.
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Too many parents are trying to pretend their kids aren't going to have sex but you know that once the hormones get going, common sense flies away. Moimeme, why does having sex fly in the face of common sense? Please bear with me here-- I'm from a generation with a completely different perspective, one much closer to the way her son thinks. For me, it's the parents who so often seem to lack common sense. The word naive comes to mind again.
niko1999 Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 I think what Moi is saying is, when caught up in the moment, youre less likey to think AT THAT MOMENT of the consequences that are very real. Believe me, youre thinking that the parents are naive, its the age. I thought my mother was niave when I was 15, and thought I was getting away with SO much. HOw do you think parents lack the common sense? Though i myself am not a parent, I am only 24. Children who are only 14,15 years old, are that less likely to forthink all of the consequences before acting, and are more liekly to act just on hormones, thinking that nothing bad can happen to them. Its the though of youth being invincible. It will never happen to you becuase youre smarter than that. You know better than that. THAT flies in the face of common sense. And Moi, I am by no means trying to answer for you. And Tamed wildflower, though we are probably about 10 years apart, your generational view of sex is not that much different from very many other generational veiws of sex when you are 15 and16 years old.
moimeme Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 What niko said And Moi, I am by no means trying to answer for you No worries. It was perfect And saved me the typing Moimeme, why does having sex fly in the face of common sense? I am of the opinion that it is a bad idea for everyone, not just kids. Once you understand the biology of sex, you realize that you're playing with fire to start having sex. For whatever reason, we are created to bond through sex - which is fine, if you've picked someone good to bond with. However, more often than not, one of the people bonds harder than the other, finds out the other isn't a good deal to start off with, but ends up 'in love' anyway. There are plenty of reasons why all humans should avoid sex until their relationships are fairly well established but niko presented the even more reasons it's not a good idea for younger people.
roxy_1980 Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 I would just like to respond to RP's comment about generations. Sexual activity at young ages hasn't really changed in about 40 years statistically. There have always been a few 12 and 13 year olds that get knocked up, there have always been the majority losing their virginity at an average age of 16 for males and 17 for females. And the rest pretty lose it when they're in college or get married. You just didn't hear about it because either they were sent away to a convent to deliver and adopt it out or had a shotgun wedding. This is no longer the case, it is no longer a scandal. Unfortunate that their age, but more accepted. As for why 25 yo's are more accepted to be having sex, it simply they can provide the child much better than a 15 yo can. They have usually graduated highschool (and sometimes college) and can get a decent job to pay for the costs of having a child. 15 yo's that have kid tend to either be on welfare or living with their parents for 5-10 years, no parent wants that for their kid. So back off the original poster!!!
HoldOn Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Teenagers alone in the bedroom = Pregnant teenager. Hello! I just want to say that, although they are probably fooling around, it's a good thing to make it harder for them. Yes, it is true that teenagers could probably find anyplace to have sex, that doesn't mean you should give them the time and space to do it. You can still make it difficult for them. They're only kids, they can't think for themselves yet or predict consequences of their actions. I think the original poster is doing the right thing to protect her family. I don't have any advice on other things you can do... except talk about the failure rate of condoms and encourage abstinence OR birth control pills and condoms. When I was in high school, my dad used to tell me that having sex with a condom was like playing russian roulette with my future. He was right. Why would you want your child taking that kind of risk. So, keep up the good work. 15 year-olds should not be provided with a private space to get it on.
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Niko, I will be 24 in just a few weeks... I was describing the attitude my friends and I had several years ago. Truthfully, I still feel that way. But I see your point about kids just forgetting about the possibility of pregnancy or infection in the heat of the moment. My friends and I (well, some of my friends ) were mature about that kind of thing. Savvy about birth control, condoms, etc., and knew where to get it. Still, 25 y-o's can get irresponsible in the heat of passion too. Hey, all I'm sayin' is give the kid knowledge about protection, access to protection, raise your kids to have the self-respect and respect for others to know when they are ready for sex and respect the boundaries of other teens, and then get out of their way. What do I mean when I say it seemed (and still seems) to me that parents lack common sense and are naive? They are naive in thinking that teens aren't having fooling around, having sex, etc. They lack the common sense to know how to handle the realities of teen social lives. I'm not saying every teen is ready for sex. (I wasn't, and I had the self-awareness to know it, as well as the self-respect to act on what I knew about myself.) I'm saying that it is a normal and healthy part of teenage social life to fool around, often leading up to "going all the way" somewhere between the ages of 15 and 20 or so. (I know, big range, but hey, people are different.) Even if you are of the opinion that it is NOT a normal and healthy part of teenage life, you are naive if you don't realize and accept that it is a REALITY of teenage culture. So parents would do well to raise their kids with some honest knowledge about it, to raise them to be self-aware, self-respecting people who likewise treat others with care and respect. This is the best recipe for a teen who will regard their own sexuality positively and make responsible decisions. The next step is to give them their space and privacy to do as they will. At that point, the parent will simply have to accept that the kid just might do things the parents didn't fathom doing until they were into their 20's. The ONLY way you will be able to have a truly open relationship with the teen,--in which they will come to you for advice and value your opinion on sex-- is if you treat the subject of sex with honesty (a little bit of wit couldn't hurt either), and if you treat their budding sexualities with respect. This is certainly not an immature perspective. I think it is an entirely reasonable one.
RecordProducer Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Oh, I am sorry, I didn't take into account the cultural differences. You're right, in Europe we don't have pregnancy and STD's. I explore the approach to teenagers from parents' point of view in my post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=441574#post441574 You unhesitatingly assume that two teenagers in a bedroom equals pregnancy. Just because you think that adults take better care of themselves doesn't mean it's the reality. Like you've never had an STD, like you've always used condoms after age 20, like you never got pregnant by accident. Like you haven't thought about sex all the time when you were 15 or 16. Like you haven't written diaries. Like you didn't think your parents were old-fashioned. Like you're saints who always live their lives by the rules. What's the possibility of two virgins having an STD? What's the possibility for two teenagers who use oral contraception and condoms to get the girl pregnant? What's the possibility of two parents preventing two love birds from connecting in the act of love? You're just making excuses for your own subconscious frustrations. Even the theoretical possibility of pregnancy scares you because it makes you eligible to become grandparents. By delaying your kids' sexual life you're delaying your grandparent-ship. Even the sperm that will end up in the condom makes you a potential grandparent! If you are really concerned about your children's lives then go to teenagers' sites that explore love and sex from their perspective. Two distant points in the space that go in different directions will never meet. You (the parents) and they (the children) have definitely one thing in common: both parties think "We know everything and they know nothing!"
CurlyIam Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 He's 16, she wants him. You can be sure that they're having sex! Search the mns, I've seen a survey about teenage sex life. Sorry, you can do whatever you want, like put them both on chains, it won't stop them if they have decided to do it. I have this theory. One can aducate their child up until the age of 10, max (mom says 7). By that age, they've seen how you work, if they can get away with lies, if they are punished, what your limits are in terms of patience, etc. If you managed to develop a close relationship with them after 10, they will most likely talk to you about everything that happenes. And then compare your advice to the advice of their friends. If they respect you enough, they'll pay attention to your pov. But you see... you can't just do that at 15. It's about years of work and of getting to know your kid. Yes, hormones may just explode and your kid may just turn 180° around... but he's the same person he was before. So if you had the right talks with him, if you gave him room to express himself and to see himself as he is, with a great potential to become SOMEONE, an individual in the future years, you're safe. Seek that survey on msn - I think I can find it for you, just give me a couple of days. MOST teenagers have sex at 16 in the USA. That is the reality. They do play Russian roullette. However, if they want to stay virgin, practicing anal sex or oral sex makes them even more prone to STDs. I think you shouldstop freaking out. Stick to your guns - like not give them any place to fool around and all. But be real and just... keep talking to your kid. Don't treat him like a delinquant. IT's best to preserve a close relationship with him. Cheer up, Curly
CurlyIam Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Here are the tittles of the articles found on the msnbc: Methodology: National survey of young teens sexual attitudes and behaviors Prepared by Princeton Survey Research Associates International for NBC News and PEOPLE Magazine and Nearly 3 in 10 young teens 'sexually active' NBC News, PEOPLE Magazine commission landmark national poll
Tamed Wildflower Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer Oh, I am sorry, I didn't take into account the cultural differences. You're right, in Europe we don't have pregnancy and STD's. I explore the approach to teenagers from parents' point of view in my post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=441574#post441574 You unhesitatingly assume that two teenagers in a bedroom equals pregnancy..... What's the possibility of two virgins having an STD? What's the possibility for two teenagers who use oral contraception and condoms to get the girl pregnant? What's the possibility of two parents preventing two love birds from connecting in the act of love? If you are really concerned about your children's lives then go to teenagers' sites that explore love and sex from their perspective. Two distant points in the space that go in different directions will never meet. You (the parents) and they (the children) have definitely one thing in common: both parties think "We know everything and they know nothing!" As for cultural differences, I was NOT saying that you don't have pregancy and STD's in Europe! I was referring to the cultural attitudes about sex. Europeans generally have less anxiety about sex, right? Definitely less anxiety about teenage sex, right? And more regard for teenage privacy, right? You make some good points, RP. Two teens who are fooling around for the first time... they are not going to have an STD. I anticipate that people will respond, "But what if the one doesn't tell the other the truth?!" This is a possibility, of course, but I think sometimes adults are too quick to assume deviousness on the part of teens. It may surprise adults to learn that quite often, teens do build a bond of intimacy, comfort, caring, and trust in which they care for each other enough to be honest. Even when that isn't the case, they often have the common decency to watch out for their own safety and the safety of the partner. Also, among many teens, condom use has become part of the ettiquette of sex, perhaps even like a badge of honor for some. I think it is simply better parenting to raise kids with the common decency to behave this way, and the self-respect to expect to be treated with such decency. Beyond that, yes, some small risk remains. But there is risk in everything we do in life. You wouldn't keep a kid from ever getting into a vehicle in the slight chance that there could be an accident. Much as you would give your life to protect them from injury, you also know that the loving thing to do is refrain from unreasonable constraint so that they can live their lives, both because you want their life to be worth living and because you know that only through life experience can one really mature. RP is right too about the fact that BOTH kids and parents often approach sex with a we-know-everything-and-they-know-nothing attitude. It's much healthier if both parties can approach the issue with an attitude that values each perspective. It may seem that kids will never do this, but they CERTAINLY won't if you don't do it for them. Fyrwyfe and her husband are on the right track in being communicative with their son. I just don't think the boy is so likely to listen if the parents lay it out as a list of "do's and don'ts". RecordProducer has also posted a very thoughtful and heartfelt position over at the other thread that she references in her post. I may decide to lay out my position more elaborately, with respect to the psychological and social well-being of the kids both while they are still young and as they grow into adults. (For me, this has been a brief and superficial treatment of a critical part of raising kids.) I don't have the time for it right now, unfortuantely.
niko1999 Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Please do be more elaborate wildflower. And no disrespect meant with the age or anything. I merely assumd you were about 15 or so, just becuase of the way you stated you were close to her sons point of view. Unfortunately, the only thing to do is keep the lines of communication open, becuase teens are going to do what they want to do. Granted yes, in this day and age, you would think that teens are more saavy in the ways of sex, but look at all the 14 year olds that are pregnant. One of my bosses, his son is going into 9th grade, 4 9th grade girls are pregnant. Kids having sex cant be prevented, but they have to understand. THey do think theyre invincible, and none of this will ever happen to them.
izzybelle Posted March 30, 2005 Posted March 30, 2005 my kids are almost 14 and 12 and i'd like to think i have a few years to go, but i'm bracing for the worst. as someone who was a bit "wild" i lost my virginity at 15 in the middle of a field, while on vacation at my grandparents to someone who was 18. and yes, if they want to do it, they will find a place. it is funny about the thought about being alone in a bedroom. never, ever, was that an issue. i dated a guy very seriously, 5 yr. relationship, that started when i was 17 and he was 16. we spend a lot of time alone in his bedroom with the door closed and ironically that was probably the last place we ever would have thought of fooling around if his parents were home. there were so many other places we could go, why do anything in a place where we could be caught? what scares me about all of this is the attitude that i hear about among teens that oral sex doesn't count (fall out from the clinton scandal perhaps?). there are countless reports of girls giving guys bjs on the school buses, when they're in middle school! i know the school district my kids are in does quite a bit to educate kids about sex and safe sex, and i'm thankful for that. i'm trying very hard at this point to keep the communication lines open with my kids, hoping, perhaps unrealistically, that if i can accomplish that now, i'll have a better chance of getting them to talk to me when the time comes. and i keep the conversations short and to the point. their dad (my ex) has a nasty habit of lecturing for looooooong periods of time. he does this to them and to me and i know that you only have their attention for about the first two minutes (i used to zone out after about 5 and would just nod and think of everything i needed to do when he stopped yapping). i know my son (the older one) spends a lot of time IMing, friends, both male and female. i told him the other day that if he ever wants to ask a girl to the movies, i'd be happy to drop then off and pick them back up. i got the rolling of the eyes and a "Mom!!! they're just friends!" oh well, i'll keep trying. on the other hand, my daughter, has already been on her first date, with me and her big brother in tow. when she and the kid "broke up" her comment to me was that she was tired of having a "reputation". aside from trying to keep from laughing hysterically, i did ask for clarification as to what she meant. "all" she meant was that girls who had boyfriends got a reputation at school. ok ..... good luck! i'm so not looking forward to it all, probably mostly because i know how much i got away with! and my parents were clueless! my mom still doesn't understand...i'm divorced and in my 40s and she still doesn't get the fact that she can't just show up unannounced. she has a key to my apt., i put a chain on the door!
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