Summerrose2013 Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 We talked for so long after the breakup, we've called for hours, I really felt connected to her, but I guess the I was only helping her, not myself. Don't get me wrong, she was nice to me and she respected my NC, I just did not respect it myself. The thing is that I feel so lonely, I feel like I've lost my girlfriend and my best friend, I gave up things for her wich I regret now.. After the breakup she said things like: "I feel like we will get back together some day" or "You know I still love you, something has just changed". I feel like I had a good chance at getting back together after the break up but that I blew those chances by arguing, begging and pleading. They ALL say this - read 'if I'm single and bored, and no one better comes along, I want to keep you as an option.' When my ex send me that in an email, I thought I was really special rah rah and yes maybe when his kids grow up, our jobs change (these were 2 of our issues) then maybe we can try again....then luckily I came on here and saw a hundred other people getting the same message from their exes - DOH!! It's a gentle let down to keep you hanging on - I thank god for this forum or I could have fallen for it, and it would have held me back from moving on a meeting other people who have time for me NOW. 1
Ordinaryday Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 ignore EVERYTHING, FLAT OUT ignore EVERYTHING they say unless they outright state "dumping you was a huge mistake, I want us to try again". Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, else is just a waste of my time. I don't want to hear how she is going, what she is doing with herself, how great her new boyfriend is, NOTHING. and as far as I am concerned she gave up the right to know ANYTHING about me the moment she dumped me. we are not going to be 'just friends', acquaintances or even courteous to each other. NOTHING she sends me could evoke a response from me unless it stated in no uncertain terms she wanted me back. 2
PersonaPersona Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 ignore EVERYTHING, FLAT OUT ignore EVERYTHING they say unless they outright state "dumping you was a huge mistake, I want us to try again". Everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING, else is just a waste of my time. I don't want to hear how she is going, what she is doing with herself, how great her new boyfriend is, NOTHING. and as far as I am concerned she gave up the right to know ANYTHING about me the moment she dumped me. we are not going to be 'just friends', acquaintances or even courteous to each other. NOTHING she sends me could evoke a response from me unless it stated in no uncertain terms she wanted me back. Exactly! And what do dumpers like to do once they get a response? Stop answering you. Which could leave some of you feeling worse than before. 3
Ordinaryday Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 Exactly! And what do dumpers like to do once they get a response? Stop answering you. Which could leave some of you feeling worse than before. it's because, as many here have stated, they usually send the breadcrumb more for themselves (to relieve their guilt) as opposed to any genuine concern about your wellbeing. and once you respond back to them you relieve their guilt so they dont feel the need to talk to you anymore. 2
Author Miketastic Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 Okay, my ex her birthday is coming up soon and my birthday has already past when we broke up and she sent me a card. So according to these answers you guys have been giving me I should not send her anything? no card, no text etc. but wouldn't it be childish to not even send her happy birthday like she did? (I admit when she did it we were still talking though)
Author Miketastic Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 Let me start of with some background info: Me and my ex both 19 years old have had a relationship for a year and eight months, we were eachothers first true love and this was both our first serious relationship. Our relationship was perfect, talking about where we would get married some day and how we would name our kids. My ex broke up with me in March, in the beginning we just talked and eventually I started making the rooky mistakes like begging, pleading etc. The reason she broke up with me was because fer feelings had felt, she did not have that "butterfly" feeling when we met anymore, she felt like we have become brother and sister and since her feelings had changed she didn't feel like working on our relationship. It is now +/- 14 days of NC and it's the longest I've ever done. My ex is stronger then me in a way of sticking to certain things, like NC. My NC is going fine and I know I'll never contact her for sure because i've learned from the times before, it only upsets me and hurts me. But I still wonder what is going through her mind, is she even thinking about me at all? I need to know a dumpers perspective. Please don't come with the advice to "just get over her" because I know chances are small and I already told myself we are not getting back together so I already know any of that stuff but I was just wandering how dumpers experience things like this and if they ever think about their ex at all.
zen2475 Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 I've been on both sides of the break up situation. Yes, as a dumper you do think about your ex. The context will vary depending on the situation, but thinking about someone doesn't mean you want them back. You may consider your ex and that relationship with any sort of feelings: relief, remorse, nostalgia and even regret. It all depends on the exigencies of the relationship. 1
Author Miketastic Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 I've been on both sides of the break up situation. Yes, as a dumper you do think about your ex. The context will vary depending on the situation, but thinking about someone doesn't mean you want them back. You may consider your ex and that relationship with any sort of feelings: relief, remorse, nostalgia and even regret. It all depends on the exigencies of the relationship. How did you experience NC? as a relief or did you miss the conversations? Have you contacted your ex after the BU?
Mary Oak Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 I will say again that it doesn't MATTER what is going through her mind. He doesn't change the outcome, and thinking about it will drive you insane. With that being said, I have been the dumper before. Did I think of my ex? Sure, they were important enough in my life for me to spend time with, then I am certainly going to miss them. I think of my friends from time to time and the fun we had. So, of course she thinks of you. But her thoughts are just thoughts... like everyone else's. It doesn't mean she wants to be with you. I think my ex thinks of me everyday... probably multiple times a day. I even think she misses me. But, I don't think she wants to be with me again. So... tell me, why does it matter what she is thinking?
Mary Oak Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 If you were talking then, then I believe the dynamics were different. So, no, don't do anything for her birthday. It doesn't matter what things "look" like to her. Are you trying to heal or get her back? It took me a long time to stand on one side of the fence or the other with that question. First, you need to make that decision.
Author Miketastic Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 (edited) I will say again that it doesn't MATTER what is going through her mind. He doesn't change the outcome, and thinking about it will drive you insane. With that being said, I have been the dumper before. Did I think of my ex? Sure, they were important enough in my life for me to spend time with, then I am certainly going to miss them. I think of my friends from time to time and the fun we had. So, of course she thinks of you. But her thoughts are just thoughts... like everyone else's. It doesn't mean she wants to be with you. I think my ex thinks of me everyday... probably multiple times a day. I even think she misses me. But, I don't think she wants to be with me again. So... tell me, why does it matter what she is thinking? It doesn't matter what she thinks and I know it won't change anything even if I knew what she thought. I was just wandering what the thoughts of a dumper are when going through NC, I know some people get regrets (although I think not in my case) and some people feel reliefed. Maybe it's fear, that she is gone for good this time, maybe I have a hard time of letting it go, honestly I don't know. I guess it would give me a good feeling knowing that she is having a hard time too, my ex is mentally very strong, unlike me. Edited August 12, 2014 by Miketastic
Zahara Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 I guess it would give me a good feeling knowing that she is having a hard time too, my ex is mentally very strong, unlike me. I don't think it has anything to do with being mentally strong. She's emotionally detached, that is why it is easier for her to move on and maintain NC. Yes, dumpers think of their exs but not in the emotional and affected sense a dumpee feels after a break-up, especially when the dumper is ending it because their feelings have changed.
Chi townD Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 Okay, so you don't want me to say to "get over her", right then. I'll give you my impression on how your Ex can get over you so quickly. She states that she views you like a brother and she doesn't have those butterflies for you anymore. That tells me that she's got butterflies for someone else and that's who she's spending her time with and not all busted up about you or giving you a second thought. Time to move on. 1
Author Miketastic Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 If you were talking then, then I believe the dynamics were different. So, no, don't do anything for her birthday. It doesn't matter what things "look" like to her. Are you trying to heal or get her back? It took me a long time to stand on one side of the fence or the other with that question. First, you need to make that decision. Well, I would like her back but the thing is that I don't think it is an option for her, at least not right now, maybe in the future who knows. One thing I know is that if I don't send her a card or a text saying happy birthday that I would look like a douchebag and then she would definitely contact me.. But not in a positive way.
Author Miketastic Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 Okay, so you don't want me to say to "get over her", right then. I'll give you my impression on how your Ex can get over you so quickly. She states that she views you like a brother and she doesn't have those butterflies for you anymore. That tells me that she's got butterflies for someone else and that's who she's spending her time with and not all busted up about you or giving you a second thought. Time to move on. So because her feelings for me have changed she is interested in someone else? I don't really get the logic behind that and I asked her if she broke up with me because of someone else and she told me that was definitely not the case
Lingo1 Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 (edited) So because her feelings for me have changed she is interested in someone else? I don't really get the logic behind that and I asked her if she broke up with me because of someone else and she told me that was definitely not the case I was just like u lol my ex dumped me 2months ago she told me there was nobody else and etc FOR 2 whole months she said no . Then one day she told me i am talking to someone else in June, but i said u cant be so close to someone ( kissing ,cuddling and et ) so fast so i asked her again another time how long u been talking to him she said since may so i said u lied to me wow i never though u would lie to me like this . Don't worry brother i know it hurts if she is around your age girls think they are doing them self a favor when they just leave ous and say " i wont date nobody else" " i wanna concentrate on me " "there no feelings" but all their doing is hurting themself without knowing because OUS"The Dumpee" can overcome this although it make take sometime unlike them they still , and will always have the good memories we had and may even have a flashback and may determine one day that they were the one that really let someone good go out of their life She just doesnt want to hurt your feelings u may think u know her but go with ur gut feeling i didnt and i am here Edited August 12, 2014 by Lingo1
Zahara Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 So because her feelings for me have changed she is interested in someone else? I don't really get the logic behind that and I asked her if she broke up with me because of someone else and she told me that was definitely not the case Just because someone tells you doesn't mean it's the truth. Best to grasp that concept because most times dumpers don't tell you the exact whys. I'm not saying there is someone else, but you have to get out of that "she said so, so it is the truth" thinking.
frankvega Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 Dont send her anything for her birthday, NOTHING!!! she is expecting it. It will make her think of you more if you dont send anything, I made the mistake of saying happy birthday to my ex and I didnt even get a thank you from her. so dont do it. 1
Summerrose2013 Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 Dont send her anything for her birthday, NOTHING!!! she is expecting it. It will make her think of you more if you dont send anything, I made the mistake of saying happy birthday to my ex and I didnt even get a thank you from her. so dont do it. 100% agree!!! Do you really wish them 'Happy' birthday? Come on.....I might be particularly vindictive, but in my case, we had such a great time on his last birthday that I want him to be particularly miserable and lonely on his next one! I did EVERYTHING for him, surprise party, etc, to make it special because his ex wife left him on his birthday a few years earlier - and he still dumped me within a month of that so NO I dont wish him a 'Happy' day for his birthday or any other day! I delete all my exes dates from my diary and you'll be surprised how quickly you forget them, then all temptation is gone.
mightycpa Posted August 14, 2014 Posted August 14, 2014 You really shouldn't contact her until you're indifferent. If she contacts you, then it really depends on the nature of the contact, as has been said before. I will tell you this, I think you're right, it is not necessarily true that she is with someone new. But, that said, if she can dump you without being interested in someone new, then you are toast. She'll NEVER get back with you, because that means she has fallen out of love with you. That is a one way ticket. If she is with someone else, then, this could be the one for her, or it could be the first of one hundred. Nobody knows how it will work out. You have to assume that she means what she says, and that you guys are done. Act accordingly.
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