Pros and cons of keeping people at arm's length... has this ever been you?

August 12, 2014

So, in the past 2 years or so, I've began to notice a disturbing trend in my life. I am posting this in hopes to gain some insight on my own account, and hopefully lead someone else to do the same for their own lives.

I basically do not have a "community." I find I keep most people at arm's length. The exception being whichever girl friend I am currently crushing on. That one, I'll do anything to close the gap between us so to speak, but it 99.9% of the time blows up in my face.

Tonight I went to see a female friend for dinner. As I waited for her by the field, I saw a group of twenty 25 year old somethings playing Ultimate Frisbee. They seemed like a tight knit group. You know the kind. Always hanging out. Always in big group formation, always something going on. Honestly, the thought of that alone tires the hell out of me. I'm an introvert by nature, and my lifestyle is that of a homebody. I wouldn't say hermit, but definite homebody.

I kinda got depressed though watching them. I just realized in that moment I just don't have that. I don't have many friends I could call up in a pinch and talk things out for 20-30 minutes. All I have are fleeting disconnected acquaintances. I find I meet up with them 1 on 1 and group activities have gone out the window. I keep people at arm's length as to prevent myself getting emotionally hurt. But in the process, I never experience the full fruit and bloom of friendship.

A more disturbing trend I've noticed is how I tend to break up with groups after a year or 2. It's like I like the "high" of introducing myself to new people, having them get to know me casually, but once a year or 2 passes and it becomes time to know someone truly, I bail. I've have 3 different church homes in 3 years. I broke up with my high school acquaintances once I hit college. About 2 years ago I broke up with my church acquaintance group that I felt things were getting too intimate and I didn't enjoy the rate at which intimacy was climbing (it was tiring me out). Just a couple months ago, I committed to a church small group, but also bailed on them when the time came for me to truly commit and stay or leave.

It leaves me feeling depressed, honestly. On the upside, I get my privacy. I keep people from knowing the real me. Maybe deep down I feel I'm not worth knowing? Some insecure ticks? On the downside, I am often alone. I find myself attending movies alone, eating lunch alone and everything almost is exclusively done by myself.

I guess I keep looking for the "perfect" group (cute girls who love to chat about life late into the night and cool guys who get me and vice versa... I don't do well with macho guys but moreso with guys more in touch with their feelings, so I'm kind of limited there) and as soon as I feel they're less than perfect (which all groups are), I eventually bail when I get to the crossroads of "Commit" or "leave here before things get too hot and heavy."

Commitment phobic? Most definitely. While I like my peace and quiet, I do yearn for some tight connections, especially when I see coworkers at work laughing and talking about some inside joke, and for me it's just very on the surface conversational filler.

Dunno. A very haunting introspective post for me. Just random ramblings. I'm not sure I like the direction my 30s are heading toward, and I feel like it might be too late to change. Even worse, I'm not sure I want to change. In a perfect world, I want to have my cake and eat it, too. The perfect friend is someone who I could see once a week tops, but preferably every other week. Problem is, it seems to be friend or acquaintance these days, and I always end up forcing people to be the latter, and as we all know, eventually acquaintances quietly fade out of your life as you go along.

Perhaps it's the secret to my track record.

Sigh.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to share any general or personal feedback.

edit: If I somehow got married magically tomorrow, I honestly don't know who I'd invite outside of my family. Of the "friends" I would invite, they would be random to each other as I don't do group friendships too well. Man, that's a depressing thought. A wedding with hardly any guests outside of family

Also, I admittedly do very poorly with men. Once guys start talking about cars or technical stuff, which is most of the time, I feel completely lost and can only throw in the lame "oh wow" or "oh really" comment. I'm not a very masculine male, so I've found it difficult to associate with frat types or just alpha males. The guys I connect with are the laid back and introspective ones. I don't do well around the rowdy ones.

Looking at my current acquaintances that I meet up 1 on 1 in the odd moon or so, they're exclusively all females... ones I find attractive. Even if I have no shot, I still like hanging out with them, especially when it's once a month or two.

Is there anyone else out there in similar shoes?

Edited August 12, 2014 by Teknoe

August 12, 2014

i know why i find it hard to commit to groups.......i am waiting basically for them to start on me...its trauma from when i was a kid multiple time i have been surrounded by kids ...and it wasnt good for me...i never had a good outcome happen in these instances.....i was always hurt ....and mostly battered......i am proud of my actions during these times it gives me strength to know ill survive most things no matter how hurt i get.......or how alone i am......i had a nightmare as a girl(your post for some reason reminded me of it havent thought about it in years so i edited this post to write it) that i am going to be taken out by a group of guys actually......it was pretty lucid......i woke up though .....it was after i was attacked by a group of boys....but it wasnt boys who took me out in the dream i was a child and it was men.....

when i was a teen in the navy when i got singled out by the officers.automatic red rope status they wanted me to be a leader...which i declined.......they singled me out as being the smartest there( they respected my iq which was the dumbest thing they did...because i can also be quite retarded and goofy...ii am really a multiple personality.....i had a chance at blending.....i got cut down and out....the guys accepted me more....a bit of begrudging respect given and some fierce competitive streaks so they accepted me more.....they didnt really like how the women treated me so they would invite me to sit with them at lunch or scran as we called it.....i would try to fit in with the female recruits and didnt want to give the women fuel for spite or revenge..... so i sat alone......i did the same thing at pot luck i wanted to talk to th emissionaries but didnt want women to think i liked the missionaries more than them m...as i said i feel awkward so i normally dont say much in groups......so i sat alone sometimes......instead of approaching anyone.....when i felt confident i would get up and walk inside....

so when i face a pack i get ready for attacks and to do that ....i maintain distance.....its a battle plan.....but....when i feel accepted i let my guard down and everytime i have i get gutted.......i feel so stupid and confused really retarded i had some problems on loveshack when i first started really posting i wasnt very well i was depressed and a little lonely.....tryiing to hide it .....i cringe when i remember writing but i thought you accepted me......stuffed up....

its scary i want so much to be close to feel i belong and then i know its a matter of time before they or someone realizes i dont fit in......and they ask me to leave or ridicule me till i break.......i dont blame people for doing this ...if i could run from me i probably would but nah stuck with who i am ...so i accept that......cant run from who i am.....

i have met a wonderful group of people i really like them alot i went to a potluck dinner on tuesday.....the only time i have been to dinners like this is with this group of people from church...and i love it....then i get scared....because i feel a little awkward its all new to me......that someone will spot that i dont fit..

...but tuesday night even though i felt awkward......i can see some of them are just as goofy as me they have heart just like me and they dont really judge even though they say they do.....they dont....lol... they make mistakes..they fluff....they are goofy..... and they laugh a lot...i love that.......just as unperfect as me......i had this really push from them a vibe they really wanted me to feel comfortable..even when they werent talking there was this vibe i felt of acceptance..and still i coudltn relax....it will take a long time....and i am committed to that long time...because they cant help me how i feel...its not their fault......i feel acceptance at church when people dont say anything and i can listen to the hum behind the words...........and i really think they may actually like me..or might like me if they knew me and my heart.........i cant give up...i dont want to be such a hermit.....i love my alone time....but i love people too and i want to feel i belong...i have a lot to offer any group i am in and they have so much they can give me.....i dont mean material i mean feelings...thoughts ideas ......inspiration....love...fellowship ...friendship

.i wasnt meant to walk alone all the time.....neither are you....you just have to find where you really should fit and when you do ...cherish them and all around you ...for some of us its hard to fit in and feel accepted.....so keep trying dont give up...if you know in your heart you dont fit...it means you need to keep looking you will get there..deb

Edited August 12, 2014 by todreaminblue

August 12, 2014

Has it always like that, or is it just recently that you have not had a group of friends to hang out with regularly? I think much of it has to do with your circumstances - I had groups of friends like that in college and school, that I hung out with most days, but after college everyone was either moving around too much, or being too busy with work, or getting married and having babies. I probably contributed to that, having moved 3 times in the last 4 years... It's just harder to make close friends after college IME, for me at least. I still have friends that I go out with, but it's definitely not every week.

Also, hanging out regularly doesn't necessarily need to mean that they have to know everything about each other. I've always had parts of me that I didn't reveal to anyone except a significant other. I don't feel that it detracts from those friendships, it's just a different sort of camaraderie.

August 13, 2014

Your comment about not being a very masculine male made me think that maybe you are not in the right geographical area to really find male friends of your own ilk. I was not all that social in my hometown and moved to a bigger town and became kind of popular. Sometimes it's about finding your niche. Maybe you should consider moving somewhere that might have more guys like you. Usually a bigger town will accommodate more types, just in general.

I have had a lot of male friends and boyfriends who weren't overly masculine, back when I was still young, so it's not like there aren't women who'd also like you. They're out there. My niche was a music subculture or three. If you like music and it lends itself to your type, going to lots of those shows is one way to meet people like you.

August 13, 2014

Your comment about not being a very masculine male made me think that maybe you are not in the right geographical area to really find male friends of your own ilk. I was not all that social in my hometown and moved to a bigger town and became kind of popular. Sometimes it's about finding your niche. Maybe you should consider moving somewhere that might have more guys like you. Usually a bigger town will accommodate more types, just in general.

This is a very good point. The number of female friends I had varied widely according to location and subculture - my group of friends in high school was almost entirely female. When I moved to college, there was a culture change, and my circle of friends was almost entirely male because I couldn't identify with most of the women in that particular culture. Now it's quite balanced.

August 13, 2014

How often do you find things to occupy yourself with? I am also an introvert but for example, I love my job, so often I am willing to work 6 days a week. The main thing I've noticed is that it keeps me distracted from all the thinking I tend to do sometimes. I do have good connections with all my coworkers but outside of my job I don't have many friends, since I lost contact with many of them after high school & through college (partially my choice). Sometimes in my time alone I'll catch myself wishing I was a part of a big group like the ultimate frisbee guys you mentioned. But when I'm doing something I love, like working, I tend to forget about my worries. In another way, working has helped me visualize a goal that I am currently working towards, which happens to consume a lot of my thinking as well.

So to redraw the main question out from all that, do you have things that you like to occupy yourself with, hobbies, interests, etc.?

August 13, 2014

To the ladies, thanks for your feedback.

Deb, wow I can't believe my post triggered that buried memory for you. I hope you're OK. That sounds like such a frightening nightmare!

How often do you find things to occupy yourself with? I am also an introvert but for example, I love my job, so often I am willing to work 6 days a week. The main thing I've noticed is that it keeps me distracted from all the thinking I tend to do sometimes. I do have good connections with all my coworkers but outside of my job I don't have many friends, since I lost contact with many of them after high school & through college (partially my choice). Sometimes in my time alone I'll catch myself wishing I was a part of a big group like the ultimate frisbee guys you mentioned. But when I'm doing something I love, like working, I tend to forget about my worries. In another way, working has helped me visualize a goal that I am currently working towards, which happens to consume a lot of my thinking as well.

So to redraw the main question out from all that, do you have things that you like to occupy yourself with, hobbies, interests, etc.?

I find things to occupy me quite a bit. I enjoy my career, and that does eat up a lot of my time. The only time I feel like I'm missing out is when I see coworkers interacting on the lunch break in a way that goes beyond casual and enters "this person would take a bullet for me" territory. It's hard to see that and NOT want it, too.

The other time is maybe on a Friday or Saturday night around 7-10 PM. I feel like everyone else in the world is out, and that I should be, too. But 11 PM on I usually feel very good, as there's something about those late hours that I enjoy just being by myself and surfing the net or something.

As for interests and hobbies, I enjoy my sports, my movies and my video games. I also enjoy posting on gaming message boards. And I even run a moderately successful video game fansite (sorry, I'm going to keep the URL private as I like to stay anonymous). My fansite keeps me busy as I review games on it, and I've received some excellent feedback on it over the years. It might sound sad, but I take great pride in the work I crank out, as I do think it's pretty solid and my audience speaks to my work's creativity. I enjoy playing games from my gigantic collection and then reviewing them. It's something I really enjoy, as I've always loved gaming and writing. This allows me to do both. I can stay home and work on my site and be as happy as a pig in mud, lol.

Made some decent e-pals throughout the world too because of my work.

I guess I'm hoping to find a girl as big a gaming dork as I am. If she ever saw my collection, or my website, she might faint. Because let's face it, not everyone owns 500+ games and runs their own fansite. It's pretty uncommon, I would think. Could definitely frighten off the majority of girls.

But like someone said in this topic, just gotta find the right one.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Teknoe

August 13, 2014

i am fine.......it isnt only your post that has triggered me lately i am a bit paranoid.....slipping a little, and dredging up anything often isnt good...i am ok though.....when i get upset i tend to trigger more i am upset about something.....so i am triggering

i wish you luck in your efforts you sound like you have a full life, so just keep searching for the group where you feel at home.some of us just need to search a little longer a little harder..good luck...deb

August 13, 2014

Your fansite sounds great. You should be proud of it being successful! Sounds like that, in addition to your main career, keeps you fairly busy.

As an aside, I do understand the bit about "Friday at 7-10pm" because I've felt that exact same thing: "everyone else is out, so I feel like I should be too". Before I started working so much, I would sometimes go out on those nights everyone else would be out and drive around town aimlessly listening to music and eating my favorite fruit snacks. Sounds sad for sure, but it actually was a fun way to cope, since it incorporated 3 things I liked: music, food, and driving. Haha.

Anyway, to delve back into your original topic: Considering you are a bit "commitment phobic" as I think you put it, have you tried the site Meetup? People here on LS rave about it, and I understand why. I joined a motorcycle group through it and surprisingly it's been a great way to meet people with similar interests, but without a commitment (a.k.a. you don't have to attend every single gathering if you are busy or even if you just don't feel like it!) Maybe by finding a gaming group (or even a writing group, which I've seen several of) you would find some cool people that you can hang out with on a regular basis without too much pressure. Meetup seems like an excellent way to meet girls as well because it's so low-pressure and the fact that you are part of a specific group means you already share many things in common. A few posters on here have shared their success with meeting their significant other this way.

In any case, that's one suggestion I can think of!

August 13, 2014

As for interests and hobbies, I enjoy my sports, my movies and my video games. I also enjoy posting on gaming message boards. And I even run a moderately successful video game fansite (sorry, I'm going to keep the URL private as I like to stay anonymous). My fansite keeps me busy as I review games on it, and I've received some excellent feedback on it over the years. It might sound sad, but I take great pride in the work I crank out, as I do think it's pretty solid and my audience speaks to my work's creativity. I enjoy playing games from my gigantic collection and then reviewing them. It's something I really enjoy, as I've always loved gaming and writing. This allows me to do both. I can stay home and work on my site and be as happy as a pig in mud, lol.

There's nothing wrong with feeling proud about something you created.

August 14, 2014

Your fansite sounds great. You should be proud of it being successful! Sounds like that, in addition to your main career, keeps you fairly busy.

As an aside, I do understand the bit about "Friday at 7-10pm" because I've felt that exact same thing: "everyone else is out, so I feel like I should be too". Before I started working so much, I would sometimes go out on those nights everyone else would be out and drive around town aimlessly listening to music and eating my favorite fruit snacks. Sounds sad for sure, but it actually was a fun way to cope, since it incorporated 3 things I liked: music, food, and driving. Haha.

Anyway, to delve back into your original topic: Considering you are a bit "commitment phobic" as I think you put it, have you tried the site Meetup? People here on LS rave about it, and I understand why. I joined a motorcycle group through it and surprisingly it's been a great way to meet people with similar interests, but without a commitment (a.k.a. you don't have to attend every single gathering if you are busy or even if you just don't feel like it!) Maybe by finding a gaming group (or even a writing group, which I've seen several of) you would find some cool people that you can hang out with on a regular basis without too much pressure. Meetup seems like an excellent way to meet girls as well because it's so low-pressure and the fact that you are part of a specific group means you already share many things in common. A few posters on here have shared their success with meeting their significant other this way.

In any case, that's one suggestion I can think of!

Haha, driving around aimlessly, listening to music and eating fruit snacks sounds pretty damn awesome to me. I don't eat fruit snacks often, but whenever I do, it takes me right back to my childhood. They were like candy, but not really. They weren't quite candy, but they weren't quite NOT candy, too... which kinda makes it awesome, haha (if that makes any sense at all). I personally love sour gummi worms, but they're too messy to eat in the car. I would probably drive around aimlessly too, if gas weren't so expensive these days!

I like your meet up idea. I will look into a writing group. I wonder how such a group would work, as writing is very personal and individual. I'm guessing it'd be writers meeting up to hang out, as opposed to composing something on the spot and then sharing it in a formal fashion.

@ Els, aw thanks. Yeah, I kinda feel that way too. Since I created it, there is a feeling of pride as it is my material. It may not be the most active thing in the world, but at least it's something other than me just sitting back and watch happen. I'm creating something, and have done so for the past handful of years. I even had some of my stories published in a friend's self published book! But no one in real life knows any of this. I like to keep it completely to myself. One day though, I'm hoping to find the right person (especially my future GF) that I can share all this with and she would not only NOT judge me, but praise my work and encourage me to keep going as long as it interests me.

Speaking of which, I am in talks with a gamer girl on Match.com right now. We've exchanged 2-3 emails each already, and the emails are fairly lengthy. I'm wondering if I should still send another email to carry on the conversation, or just ask her to meet up in person so we can continue the conversation there.

The only thing is, from her one pic, she doesn't seem like the type, facially, that I crush on. She's definitely not ugly or anything, but she isn't like the typical girl I go ga-ga over. But perhaps that's a good thing. I don't want to use the word "league" but hell... she's probably someone close to being in "my league" than the crushes I've chased and bombed with in the past.

Maybe I should work up the courage to ask her out to coffee. Our emails have been long and I feel 99% sure she'd say yes to an in-person meeting if I asked now.

It goes back to commitment phobic, however. I'm scared if I'm not attracted to her but she is to me, that it could potentially be/get messy. But I guess I gotta stop worrying about that and just ask her to meet up. Plus there are those who look way better in real life than they do in photos.

August 14, 2014

you're not alone, just know that. we like to think that people are so much more social and interesting, but they really aren't. most people go home to a rather mundane/routine life. i always tell my parents that i "can't just walk up to someone and say be my friend" - building friendships and relationships takes time and effort and if you keep letting people go in/out of your life you don't form that bond.

August 14, 2014

Speaking of which, I am in talks with a gamer girl on Match.com right now. We've exchanged 2-3 emails each already, and the emails are fairly lengthy. I'm wondering if I should still send another email to carry on the conversation, or just ask her to meet up in person so we can continue the conversation there.

The only thing is, from her one pic, she doesn't seem like the type, facially, that I crush on. She's definitely not ugly or anything, but she isn't like the typical girl I go ga-ga over. But perhaps that's a good thing. I don't want to use the word "league" but hell... she's probably someone close to being in "my league" than the crushes I've chased and bombed with in the past.

Don't worry about all this leagues crap. Just ask her out! The worst things that could happen would be she declines, or you decide you don't like her in person. Either way, better than sitting around not doing anything.

August 14, 2014

Don't worry about all this leagues crap. Just ask her out! The worst things that could happen would be she declines, or you decide you don't like her in person. Either way, better than sitting around not doing anything.

I asked her out just now! I figured, we're having these nice lengthy email exchanges. How long am I going to keep it going? Although she initiated by winking at me (thus leading me to send her the very first email), I don't think she would have asked to meet up if I didn't suggest it first. She seems old fashioned in that regard. Again like I said, the one pic she has I don't find her EXTREMELY attractive, but I can see some mild attraction there that has the potential to grow into something more. Also, you know how couples look alike? She doesn't look far off from me. I will be the first to admit I'm not a great looking guy. I'm not ugly lol, but I ain't no hotshot myself. Looking at her face, it seems to match with mine.

But mainly, it's about a personal and real connection with someone in person. If there's a spark, I'll try to advance it forward. If I see she's more along the lines of a friend, I'll engage her in a non-romantic way.

We'll see how she responds!

August 15, 2014

We'll see how she responds!

Verdict came in:

"Yes, I'd like to meet up. I'm available _________ and _______. My cell is ______. You can text me."

Wow. I'll be honest with you guys. I said this here before on LS that my last GF was December 2004 (that's when she broke up with me). It's been a 10 year drought basically... but not only that...

I really haven't had a "date" in that time. I know, it's a little sad. But it's kinda true. Oh sure, I've been out with girls 1 on 1 lots of times. Obviously, there were some single girls I went out with 1 on 1. But I don't think you could have called any of them dates. The girls certainly didn't interpret it as such. They probably saw it more as hanging out.

The girls I did confess my interest to in the last 10 years since have all "failed."

This girl is the first in 10 years that I asked out and whom said yes. I also knew 99.9% that she would. It was never a doubt in my mind. I never had to call any of my acquaintances and explain to them the existing circumstances, trying to piece 2 together and explain how a vague and casual comment my crush made 3 months ago hints to her liking me back. I did none of that.

As it was with my first and only GF 10 years ago... it just happened naturally, and easily. I guess that's what they mean when they say "Look, if you gotta overanalyze and ask a bunch of people what to do, honestly, you're probably not going to like the response she gives you."

You just know when it's gonna work.

And you just know deep down (no matter how much you try to play it otherwise) when it probably won't.

Never got that feeling with her at any step of this journey. She was clearly interested, I am mildly intrigued, and now we're going to meet up after 4-5 emails. It was nice. Not too long (i.e. 10 emails each) yet just long enough to get a hint of who the other person is.

I guess I'll keep you guys posted! Either here or in Dating forum.

I feel oddly calm. I am a little excited, don't get me wrong, but it's not the excitement I would have gotten had one of my major crushes said yes. Maybe I've been chasing the wrong girls all this time the last 10 years. I'm kinda amused at how easily this one has come together, at least, up to this point.

Our first meeting will be casual at a coffee shop. Don't wanna do anything grand and plus, I still need to decide whether she's friend or GF material.

August 15, 2014

Good for you! I've also noticed that the best scenarios often form unexpectedly, and with less effort. It's funny how that works, but it's why a more simple dating scene appeals to me. The overexaggerated dating culture these days is so annoying. No wonder the acronym K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple stupid!) is still prevalent.

After your lengthy drought, you got your first taste of rain. Let us know how it goes!

August 20, 2014

Good for you! I've also noticed that the best scenarios often form unexpectedly, and with less effort. It's funny how that works, but it's why a more simple dating scene appeals to me. The overexaggerated dating culture these days is so annoying. No wonder the acronym K.I.S.S. (Keep it simple stupid!) is still prevalent.

After your lengthy drought, you got your first taste of rain. Let us know how it goes!

She was very sweet. Nice. Just no spark on my end. Whatsoever. She looked older in person, and I saw none of her sense of humor that she was touting in her profile.

I am not going to go out with her again. But glad I was able to have my first meet up out of the way! Onto the next one.

August 20, 2014

I don't care about friends since all they do is hurt people. The more people in your lives the more drama happens. I've seen it happen with other people.

August 20, 2014

I am not going to go out with her again. But glad I was able to have my first meet up out of the way! Onto the next one.

Love the attitude. So many fish in the sea... so just keep fishing!

August 21, 2014

I don't care about friends since all they do is hurt people. The more people in your lives the more drama happens. I've seen it happen with other people.

While it may seem ironic for me to post this, considering the nature of this thread I started, but I really do believe to be truly healthy, we need to strike a healthy balance. We cannot push everyone away because then we would be leaving behind zero legacy. And I do believe each of us should strive at least somewhat to leave this place a better place than when we entered it.

You can't isolate yourself completely, because while yes it's true more people more drama... you also can't really grow unless you learn to work it out with different people. Our nation is strongest when it's "all hands on deck." I saw it with events like post-9/11. There is strength in numbers, community and groups. It's OK to be a homebody, or not have many friends, but I don't think it's healthy to completely cut yourself off from the world and never go out. That would be kind of a sad existence. I might no longer have the drive to lead small groups at church, or travel across the world to go on mission trips, but I can at least maintain a select few friendships and maybe even to make some strong new connections.

August 21, 2014

Yes im the same way I have a handful maybe 10 friends I would even consider hanging out with and that prob wont happen as they are all spread out around the country now. Mind you I keep in reg contact with some of those via various media. Other then this I have 1 friend I currently live with and no others. I genuinely like things this way there was a time I had more a "group" of friends and that was nice back then. But now a days that im older and life has worn on me a bit I enjoy my solidarity immensely. So much so I don't see myself wanting to change anytime soon I have all the "me" time in the world and Im loving it..there's nothing wrong with not being a social butterfly imo...

August 21, 2014

So she texted me last night if I would be interested in hanging out again. I had to reject her kindly so I wrote:

"Hey, it was nice to meet you. However, I did not feel sparks on my end. I hope you find the right person!"

I felt it was a classy gentle rejection. She just wished me well back, and now I don't have to worry about hanging out and being friends. To be honest, she didn't seem like someone I wanted to develop a friendship with. That takes time and energy, and she didn't seem to be "worth my time" haha I hope that doesn't sound too egotistical. She was just a lot stiffer than her profile suggested. Oh well.

Have to admit though, it gives me a confidence boost to approach more girls now. If I wanted to, she could easily have been my girlfriend, and my drought would have ended. But I knew I wasn't attracted to her, and I refuse to be in a lukewarm relationship. I much rather be single and happy than be with someone just to say "Hey look everyone, I have a girlfriend!"

Been messaging a ton of girls since. No replies. No sweat, just gotta keep messaging.

August 24, 2014

You have to remember on a first meet or date people are very nervous so they may not act like they normally do under "normal" circumstances. Try not to hold it against someone after only one meet up they they weren't Chris Rock funny. I always suggest 3 dates whether the first one was good or bad, to TRULY get a glimpse of what a person is like or if you like them or not. Very good of you to not lead her on though or just ignore her as I've seen many cowards do. Good luck!

August 24, 2014

You have to remember on a first meet or date people are very nervous so they may not act like they normally do under "normal" circumstances. Try not to hold it against someone after only one meet up they they weren't Chris Rock funny. I always suggest 3 dates whether the first one was good or bad, to TRULY get a glimpse of what a person is like or if you like them or not. Very good of you to not lead her on though or just ignore her as I've seen many cowards do. Good luck!

That's true. Good point. I'm sure if she wore clothing that better accentuated her best features she would come off looking much better than what she did, but these were the things that I couldn't shake:

-Upon meeting her and leaving her, I went in to hug her. She was awkward about it, and we ended up doing very half hearted "Christian side hugs." It was so awkward that it suggested to me she doesn't hug very many guys. It was an immediate turn off. If you like me, which she clearly did, you should be able to hug me a little better than that. Thus, I got the impression that she was overly conservative. Perhaps too much for my tastes

-When I first saw her, I was quite disappointed. Her one picture was OK, nothing earth shattering. But I felt maybe she might look a bit better in person. When I saw her, she was a little bigger than I imagined, and a few years older looking. Immediately I knew her personality was going to have to be a 10. Attraction is an important part of the equation

-Conversation was fine, but I cracked a few jokes that she was slow to catch on. There were lulls here and there where she would fire another question at me to keep things going. I was not particularly impressed by the banter (or lack thereof) that we shared.

Overall, yeah I could have given her a 2nd chance. But I just didn't feel there was much to build on. And I'm the kind of guy who doesn't want to settle. I want someone I can be pretty crazy about. I don't need a super hot girlfriend, but I do want one I am attracted to. She just didn't do it for me, and she seemed to be digging me, and I didn't want to lead her on.

Since, matches and connections have been dry, but that's OK. I rather hold out and be single and content, than try to force this intimate relationship with her that I don't think I could have fully commit to.

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Pros and cons of keeping people at arm's length... has this ever been you?

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