Online dating profile not getting results

[strawberryshortstack]

I got out of a relationship about a year and a half ago, but remained friends and roommates with my ex, so it took a little while for me to feel ready to date again.

 

When I reactivated my profile, I initially got good response, but no actual dates. Then things started to pick up and several men showed genuine interest. I set a date with one, only to have him disappear before the date happened and then show up online the night of the date to chat with me and ask me for a picture of "all of my sexy body" which I assumed was a euphemism for "send me nudie pics" and rebuffed him.

 

Then another date happened and it went really well - including kissing and hand holding and a promise of a second date, only to have him just stop contacting me at all.

 

A third first date also seemed to go well, but I was on the fence about my feelings for him, until he called my beloved pet birds tchotchkes and I told him it wasn't going to work out.

 

After that, everything seemed to dry up completely. Very few visitors to my profile, even fewer messages, and those that do contact me are either looking for sex, casual relationships, or seem to just want a pen pal.

 

I'm not sure if it's the time of year, something going on with my profile, or what. I had a male friend look at it, and he said he didn't see anything wrong, but because he's a good friend, perhaps he's just biased? I don't know.

 

If you've made it this far, would you do me a favor and read over my profile and give me your unbiased opinions? Send me a PM for the link, as I'd rather not post it here.

[OwMyEyeball]

It's likely that the current pool of bachelor's has already been through your profile. Some messaged you, some didn't.

 

From here on in you're mostly going to get messages from either new members or existing members who have had their interest piqued (usually by a new photo).

 

This type of drop off is typical.

 

You could try a new profile picture that shows you at a different light or angle.

 

How often are you the first to initiate contact? It may be time for a change in strategy.

[Zippy2000]

Its nothing to do with you, or your profile.

 

I ve been a veteran of online dating on and off for up to 10 years now and out of it I ve only had one serious relationship.

 

Like you I ve encountered strange and unpleasant people on the net. Time wasters and pen pals. People who message you and then for them to completely disappear from the Earth.

 

Its just how people are and nothing to do with you. Its them!

[bu2002]

Which site are you on?

 

Your written profile has nothing negative, chip on your shoulder or victim mentality type stuff right?

 

Always re-evaluate your pictures. Lighting is important. Make sure it's easy to find you in pictures as women take a ton of pictures with other girls in them. Also remember your audience. What you or a girlfriend might find cute is probably something a guy might not.

[mammasita]

Without even looking at your profile, might I suggest that you try to do some initial contacting? I always had the best luck when I reached out first. My current BF of almost a year next month (wow time flies!) was someone I initiated contact with.

[oberkeat]

Your experiences with online dating have been pretty much the same as mine, and are not unusual. I'm currently in a pause from okcupid because I've been seeing the same faces with low match percentages every time I log in. I might come back in three or four months and see if some new people have joined, but in the meantime I'm focusing on meeting people in real life. I wish I had some better answers. I agree that one thing you could try if your profile isn't getting many looks is taking the lead in initiating contact with the guys that you find interesting.

[MsSmurf]

While I'm not a fan of OLD your experiences sound like everyone else who's done it, myself included. Some sites are a hair better than others, but overall you just have to keep updating your pics/text to stay "new" and weed through the crap.

 

You could also try other methods of meeting singles.... speed dating, singles mixers, meetup groups aimed at singles, etc. You're not far from me and I know plenty of that stuff happens in your area.

[BluEyeL]

I didn't have much luck with online dating for the first 5 months of doing it. Then I was on a 4-5 months break from it, then back on. Second time around, I was much much better prepared and I had a completely different experience, like I was a different person. I am not in a long term relationship, but since last year on October I serially dated people for between 1.5 and 3 months, with some other dates in between, and overlapping them a little.

 

Currently I'm about 1.5 months in with someone new, looks promising but we know how these things are so it's too early to call. The other guys who didn't work out were all good people, just for one reason or another, after getting to know them, after 5-10 dates, I found out that they were not a match/no long term relationship material. This year I've dated a total of 4 people serially (1-3 months or 5-10 dates) plus 5 others just for first dates where I was always the one who turned down a second, in between.

 

First 5 months of my experience were pretty darn bad, like you say. I was stood up, asked for sex, not called back for a second date, every scenario you can imagine short of anything violent, I've had it.

 

What changed?

1. My confidence. I'm super confident now, as opposed to mousy/insecure a year ago.

2. I updated my profile weekly. Changed a sentence or a word, or the headline. That's to trick the search engine.I have a couple of professional pictures, and about 5-6 "normal" pictures. My pictures are really accurate for how I look and recent. I update as necessary.

3. When I wanted a date, usually once or twice a month only is that i did that, I ran a search and clicked through all the profiles. They see I looked at them and that increased my visibility.

4. My profile is short and simple. I don't say anything negative on it. Nothing starting with "I don't like..." "I'm not high maintenance..." "No games please" "Are there any genuine people?" etc etc etc.

5. I worked on myself spiritually to get to a good place, where I'm happy and content with or without a relationship. I read tens of books on self improvement. I set my dating goals progressively and I practiced. First to get dates, then to always get to a second date. Then to always be asked out until I decide if the match is good or not. Now I want a LTR.

6. I do not talk to a man online if he doesn't ask for my number or ask me out by the 5th message. I just stop responding.

7. I stop talking to anyone who hints at anything sexual. Example: One said that being from the country I am from, I should be flexible (physically). I never replied.

8. I don't talk to anyone who is separated.

9. I don't write long messages. They're boring. I don't text excessively before meeting. No texting relationships.

10. I don't talk too much on dates, and I ask the men questions instead. Make eye contact.

11. Most importantly, I believe that my match is out there and we'll find each other. If one dating situation doesn't work out, I take it as an experience that prepares me for my man. I don't chase anyone because if they don't like me it just means they are not mine, that's all. there is no point in chasing people who are not your one. Only one will be yours.

 

I'm 42 yo, live in a relatively isolated small town, and I'm not gorgeous. I never initiate contact with men, but I am not against that strategy. I believe inner work is the key, and online dating is just fine. It's the same population as offline. I had a 3 months relationship last year with someone from meetup and he was just like everyone else. It's not OLD, it's us.

 

Best site I found to be match.com

 

Good luck!

Edited August 12, 2014 by BluEyeL

[strawberryshortstack]

It's likely that the current pool of bachelor's has already been through your profile. Some messaged you, some didn't.

 

From here on in you're mostly going to get messages from either new members or existing members who have had their interest piqued (usually by a new photo).

 

This type of drop off is typical.

 

You could try a new profile picture that shows you at a different light or angle.

 

How often are you the first to initiate contact? It may be time for a change in strategy.

 

I've sent a few messages, but I've *never* gotten a response, even in situations where my profile matched nearly exactly what they said they were looking for. I imagine in that case, I simply wasn't attractive to them, which I understand.

 

 

Which site are you on?

 

Your written profile has nothing negative, chip on your shoulder or victim mentality type stuff right?

 

Always re-evaluate your pictures. Lighting is important. Make sure it's easy to find you in pictures as women take a ton of pictures with other girls in them. Also remember your audience. What you or a girlfriend might find cute is probably something a guy might not.

 

I'm on okcupid and pof.com.

 

I try to be as positive as possible, both on my profile and in person. No, my life isn't perfect, but I know from being on the other side that no one likes someone who is constantly negative.

 

I have one picture of myself with another person, but he's my nephew, so not a huge chance of anyone mistaking him for me.

 

Trouble is, I'm not photogenic. I've been told many times that my pictures don't do me justice, and lighting/makeup/angles doesn't seem to make much difference.

 

While I'm not a fan of OLD your experiences sound like everyone else who's done it, myself included. Some sites are a hair better than others, but overall you just have to keep updating your pics/text to stay "new" and weed through the crap.

 

You could also try other methods of meeting singles.... speed dating, singles mixers, meetup groups aimed at singles, etc. You're not far from me and I know plenty of that stuff happens in your area.

 

Oh, definitely, it happens, but I work full-time and I'm a 3/4 time student, so I don't have a ton of money or time, and these events rarely fall on days when I'm available, or they cost too much. So for now, I have to rely on OLD, at least until I obtain my degree.

 

I think another issue is that it seems the vast majority (yes, I'm exaggerating just a tad, but it feels like it sometimes) of the men in this area are looking for polyamorous or open relationships (I'm strictly monogamous) or they want kids (and I've decided that I don't). I'm also not into hiking, rock climbing, or other extreme sporting activities that most men in this area are. I understand the pull, but it's just not something I can do because of an injury.

 

So this limits my choices from the get-go. I suppose for now, I'll have to be content with the status quo, mostly. I try to keep my profile "fresh", and I do get the occasional message, just not from men who really interest me.

[MsSmurf]

Actually it seems like you're the only one limiting your choices. Just because you don't hike or rock climb doesn't mean that you're only limited to men who don't do those things. Perhaps there are some guys into that stuff that prefer to keep it a guys only sort of thing and want a woman who won't nag them for wanting to do it. Or perhaps some of them don't care that you're not into it and want to find new interests you both share. Or maybe *gasp* they have interests besides extreme sports.

 

Just because you work full time and go to school nearly full time (many people do this) and have a limited budget (so do many people) doesn't mean you have no other options for meeting men. You just need to be creative and openminded. Try something new! Browse the web and local papers for free/low cost stuff that seems like it would appeal to guys in your age range.

 

Also, you're not the only person who's decided not to have kids. My guess is bringing this up too early is part of the problem. If you've only gone on a few dates with a guy (or are just emailing via OLD) then its way too heavy of a topic. Also consider the fact that people change or maybe they aren't really certain. I'm not saying you can't make this kind of a decision, but that you may be placing way more attention on it when you're really just trying to meet guys.

 

There are also meetup groups for people specifically without kids, some of them aimed at singles. That may help you broaden your social circle and its likely affordable activities will be suggested.

 

Now guys wanting open relationships or any other non-traditional relationship? Sure they're around, but you don't have to waste time on them or keep thinking about them. It could be your choice of method to meet men, something you've said that makes them think you might be open to that, or just them desperately casting a wide net looking for nibbles. Who cares? They aren't the only men out there and once you realize this is who they are move on.

[strawberryshortstack]

Actually it seems like you're the only one limiting your choices. Just because you don't hike or rock climb doesn't mean that you're only limited to men who don't do those things. Perhaps there are some guys into that stuff that prefer to keep it a guys only sort of thing and want a woman who won't nag them for wanting to do it. Or perhaps some of them don't care that you're not into it and want to find new interests you both share. Or maybe *gasp* they have interests besides extreme sports.

 

Oh, I'm not limiting myself to only men who don't hike or rock climb. I'm fully open to the idea of letting them do that on their own time while we do other, less strenuous activities together. The problem is that so many of them are actually looking for a woman to do these things with. This is what my profile says on this topic:

 

"m also not as active as I'd like to be, and I'd love to change that. However, mid/high impact exercise is out of the question for me due to a knee injury. I can bike and walk just fine, but if you're looking for a jogging/running or hiking partner, I'm not your girl. "

 

Perhaps I could change the wording to make it a bit more positive, but later in my profile I included this to show them that I am interested in other outdoor activities: "Although I do enjoy spending time indoors, watching movies, etc., I actually am looking for someone to get out of the house with - farmers' markets, walks at the lake/beach, or just drinks or coffee. Bonus points if you have a bike, and want to help me get mine in riding condition so we can ride!"

 

Also, you're not the only person who's decided not to have kids. My guess is bringing this up too early is part of the problem. If you've only gone on a few dates with a guy (or are just emailing via OLD) then its way too heavy of a topic. Also consider the fact that people change or maybe they aren't really certain. I'm not saying you can't make this kind of a decision, but that you may be placing way more attention on it when you're really just trying to meet guys.

 

I'm not actually bringing it up in conversation. There's an item in the "My Details" section for offspring, and I have selected "Doesn't have children and doesn't want any". I feel that leaving this blank would be misleading. I'd rather get this out of the way immediately than go on a few promising dates with someone only to be disappointed when I find out that they are looking for a mother for their future children. I'm turning 41 this year, and I am 100% certain I do not want children.

 

There are also meetup groups for people specifically without kids, some of them aimed at singles. That may help you broaden your social circle and its likely affordable activities will be suggested.

 

Thanks, I will look into this.

 

Now guys wanting open relationships or any other non-traditional relationship? Sure they're around, but you don't have to waste time on them or keep thinking about them. It could be your choice of method to meet men, something you've said that makes them think you might be open to that, or just them desperately casting a wide net looking for nibbles. Who cares? They aren't the only men out there and once you realize this is who they are move on.

 

Point taken. I don't actually get many messages from men in polyamorous relationships. My point was mostly that I think that may be part of why I get so few messages in the first place. Acknowledgment that my initial dating pool isn't all that deep in the first place, I guess.

 

I'm an attractive woman, and I've got lots of great qualities. Trouble is, it can be hard to let those qualities show through via words on a screen sometimes.

[Sith Apprentice]

After a month you're old news on OKCupid. My general rule is to deactivate and take a break for 2 weeks after each month. That way when you reactivate it's like you're a new member all over again.

[bu2002]

 

I'm on okcupid and pof.com.

 

I try to be as positive as possible, both on my profile and in person. No, my life isn't perfect, but I know from being on the other side that no one likes someone who is constantly negative.

 

I have one picture of myself with another person, but he's my nephew, so not a huge chance of anyone mistaking him for me.

 

Trouble is, I'm not photogenic. I've been told many times that my pictures don't do me justice, and lighting/makeup/angles doesn't seem to make much difference.

 

Okay I am on OKcupid as well. Just some tips

 

Pictures - Okcupid requires larger size images, I would resize any pics to the smallest size available, which I believe is 400x400. Also, at this point for you, less is more. Find your 3 best pics and go with those and make sure they are in different environments

 

Profile - Because Ok Cupid asks a lot of questions, it can be easy to get long winded, so review your profile and see if that might be an issue. The "Six Things I could never do without", "The Most private thing i'm willing to admit", and "I spend a lot of time thinking about" questions can also be fun questions to use your sense of humor. Don't be so serious all time if that's how your profile comes across. If you're going more than one paragraph in any one section, you're probably going too long. We now live in a digital ADD society, we can concise and to the point.