You’re either madly in love or you’re settling?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

There seems to be this pervasive school of thought around here and elsewhere that one must experience this earth-shattering, heart-stopping burst of emotion toward someone almost from the beginning or else the relationship is doomed to fail or leave them unhappy and unfulfilled. Yet while that wild, crazy, intense, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you, I’d-rather-die-than-be-without-you sort of love is amazing, I’m sure, it in no way means your relationship will last, is solid or even healthy for you.

 

And does the lack of such extreme emotion mean you are not only not in love, but in fact settling – as I’ve seen a number of people refer to relationships like this as just so? To me settling implies you either feel you can’t – or legitimately can’t – do better but would like to, are too lazy to keep looking or afraid of being alone for any period.

 

But what if none of those are true? What if you could do better, don’t mind being alone but simply have no desire to keep looking because you’re happy with the person you’re with? Does the lack of dizziness, heart palpitations and dry mouth somehow mean it’s not love?

 

What inspired me to start this thread was another in which a guy was contemplating the state of his relationship after having doubts about his lack of “love” for his girlfriend of 2½ months. He likes her, likes spending time with her, etc but did not feel a sort of giddiness toward her.

 

The general consensus was that he should end it which just seemed so odd to me. Not only do I think it’s way too early to even be considering ‘love’ but is it just not possible to simply enjoy spending time with someone, like being around them, have good ‘chemistry’ but not feel head over heels?...and still consider yourself 'in love' as opposed to settling?

[Philosoraptor]

You're either fulfilled or you're settling, when it comes to long term relationships.

[Ruby Slippers]

For me, settling is being with someone I'm not in love with, and/or someone who is not in love with me.

 

The early infatuation stage is temporary. From then on, enduring love is expressed with conscious action. If you love your partner, you make the ongoing decision to contribute as much good to his/her life as you can.

 

If the early infatuation, spark, butterflies, whatever you want to call it is missing from either side, some people (including myself) feel that something essential to romantic love is missing.

 

The spark lights the fire that you hope will endure for the rest of your life. Without the initial spark, I don't feel much confidence in sustaining a healthy glow long term.

 

I choose not to settle, and I accept the reality that I may have to let certain things go as a consequence (kids, family). Personally, I would rather remain single and retain the possibility of finding real love in the future, than be in a marriage/relationship of convenience.

[pteromom]

What if you could do better, don’t mind being alone but simply have no desire to keep looking because you’re happy with the person you’re with? Does the lack of dizziness, heart palpitations and dry mouth somehow mean it’s not love?

 

Not at all. It depends on what you mean by "doing better" though. If you mean that you could do better by finding someone who treats you better or is a better person, sure. But going by the infatuation feelings? No.

 

Those almost always fade, and they definitely ebb and flow.

 

LOVE is not infatuation or passion or butterflies. Those can lead to true love but they aren't it.

 

And some people are more heart-driven and others are more head-driven. Some people go off the deep end and others stay rational and don't get dizzy.

 

is it just not possible to simply enjoy spending time with someone, like being around them, have good ‘chemistry’ but not feel head over heels?...and still consider yourself 'in love' as opposed to settling?

 

Sure!

 

Settling, in my opinion, is choosing a partner that is not in line with your goals and values.

[Mike B.]

You have to be careful online. Some people with little or no relationship experience still gets freedom to offer advice. I am convinced 90% or so of these folks who tell you to quickly "next" someone or quickly abandon a relationship are these people. These folks do not have the experience or maturity to understand the complexities of a relationship between two adults.

 

No thank you; I don't need the 20 year old telling me how to handle a 37 year old woman.

[Mrin]

I see your point but I'm with Ruby on this one. There needs to be that flare, that intense spark. Will it last? Who knows. But what you want is it to turn into smoldering embers that do. Without it I don't think the embers ever form.

 

So is being with someone with whom you didn't have that spark settling? For me it is. But only because I am looking for a passion fueled LTR. If I was looking for companionship or a shorter term or friend based relationship, then no, that's not settling.

 

It all depends on your objectives and what you're looking for.

[somedude81]

A relationship doesn't have to always have that crazy in love thing to work and for both people to be happy and fulfilled.

[somedude81]

Threads like this make me wish my ex-girlfriend posted here.

[Sunfire73]

I didn't settle the spark, romance, attraction, they're all in my relationship as well as shared values and goals. I did settle with him about the little stuff, which were just nice to haves, and not dealbreakers. That's because nobody's perfect and nobody would satisfy all the things in your checklist.

[Ruby Slippers]

A relationship doesn't have to always have that crazy in love thing to work and for both people to be happy and fulfilled.

Not everyone is satisfied with "good enough" and "this will do". Some people strive for the best possible, and are fulfilled by the striving.

 

I have observed and experienced passionate love, and for me, no other experience in my lifetime has compared to the joy and happiness of that. Sure, many other things make me happy. But being in love is an experience like no other.

 

"This will do" is easy - it's what most people do. But the best is... the best. For me, it feels like a difference between merely surviving, and truly living.

 

I make the choice to hold out for passionate love, knowing that it would be much easier and more comfortable to make do with "this will do".

[PerfectStorm]

I think it all depends on the relationship. I think a lot of the dizziness or heart palpitations you're refering to come from deep attraction and lust, not necessairly love. I however do think that it takes a deep attraction and sexual chemistry to sustain a relationship over the long haul. There have to be other things as you mentioned; spending time together, having fun together, other compatibility, general affection towards each other, ect. These to me are "love."

 

I love my brother. I love my Dad. I love my friends. I love my roomate, ect. But I feel no lustful or intense or passionate feelings for them.

 

So, to answer your question IMO it's possible to have a relationship based solely on love. It is possible to have a relationship based soley on lust. You need BOTH to make it last. I personally don't want one without the other when it comes to relationships.

[Butterflying]

This is a good question because my XBF has always told me (and still tells me), "I grabbed him by his guts," the first moment he saw me. He was head over heels in a way that everyone who saw us commented on how "loving" we were towards each other. Unfortunately our relationship was long distance. We ended it mutually because it's more convenient to date people in our respective cities.

 

For all this time he has been "settling" for a woman he told me when they first met, he wasn't thrilled about her. But he wanted to give it some time to see where it goes. Two years later, they are living together. And he still claims to be unsatisfied with her. It is memories of me and photographs of his time spent together with me that lift his spirits on his darkest days. I just keep asking myself how long will this go on? Will he ever follow his heart or will he remain comfortable like this forever? Without some type of effort from both of us, we will never live in the same city. Our paths will never cross again. The way we met was a once in a lifetime situation.

[Butterflying]

No thank you; I don't need the 20 year old telling me how to handle a 37 year old woman.

 

I totally understand. But as mature minded adults, we can decipher advice that comes from experience and that which is just an opinionated guess. Age doesn't really matter. Some 20 years olds have more experience with life than 50 year olds. For example, my little sister is 25. She is married with three children. Her perspective on coping in relationships is wiser than mine sometimes considering she has a husband and I don't. Her perspective on child rearing is better than mine because I'm not a parent.

 

These forums are great at giving us a wide range of perspectives. Sometimes it helps to know how someone views our situation prior to having experienced it for themselves. That's what I call a "fresh set of eyes." I often forget how I viewed life and the world before I experienced so much. If I were me, 10 years ago, what would I do to resolve my current situation? It's a challenge for me to think about things like this on my own. So I'm always happy to come here.

[iiiii]

I think if you're with someone you don't love, or don't find physically attractive, then that's settling.

 

However, I also think that not everyone is going to find that earth shattering, love at first sight, "perfect" relationship - and of the people who do find this, few are going to feel that infatuated and obsessed permanently. The rrelationship has not failed just because those feelings fade.

 

You're not settling if you stick with someone you love - and find sexy - even if you're not thinking about each other every second of every day.

[Woggle]

Settling is all about perspective. To me I have high standards but I have always kept those standards within the realm of reality. Some people think that anything less than the fantasy we are sold by Hollywood is settling. They are entitled to their desires but I advise people not to try and have a real life relationship with them.

[TheGuard13]

There are no perfect people.

 

And relatonships are not as black and white as fulfilled or settling.

 

Because you can be fulfilled in some respects, and settle in others.

 

You know, like in life.

[Astrolink]

The "crazy in love" thing long term is 99% myth. You find other ways to love and support, but romantic love diminishes (not disappears) with time.

 

Those that base the quality of a relationship on the ability to maintain intense romantic love (I know several) are probably incapable of marriage (or they learn the divorce ropes in a hurry).

[littleplanet]

Not everyone is satisfied with "good enough" and "this will do". Some people strive for the best possible, and are fulfilled by the striving.

 

I have observed and experienced passionate love, and for me, no other experience in my lifetime has compared to the joy and happiness of that. Sure, many other things make me happy. But being in love is an experience like no other.

 

"This will do" is easy - it's what most people do. But the best is... the best. For me, it feels like a difference between merely surviving, and truly living.

 

I make the choice to hold out for passionate love, knowing that it would be much easier and more comfortable to make do with "this will do".

 

Totally agree with this, Ruby.

I recall trying to "settle" which was a thing I just couldn't compromise.

The best you think you can do is far different than the best there is.

For me the litmus test that proves the point (and still does after many years) is that once fallen in love, it just never is fallen out of.

It changes, evolves, grows, adapts.....endures.

 

As to passion:

I don't know where I heard this (or if I coined the term all on my own)

"A woman has to shine in a man's eyes."

Why? Because that's what makes intent honest.

And the shining?

(Too personal for the public eyes here....)

[torturedartist]

There seems to be this pervasive school of thought around here and elsewhere that one must experience this earth-shattering, heart-stopping burst of emotion toward someone almost from the beginning or else the relationship is doomed to fail or leave them unhappy and unfulfilled. Yet while that wild, crazy, intense, I-can’t-stop-thinking-about-you, I’d-rather-die-than-be-without-you sort of love is amazing, I’m sure, it in no way means your relationship will last, is solid or even healthy for you.

 

And does the lack of such extreme emotion mean you are not only not in love, but in fact settling – as I’ve seen a number of people refer to relationships like this as just so? To me settling implies you either feel you can’t – or legitimately can’t – do better but would like to, are too lazy to keep looking or afraid of being alone for any period.

 

But what if none of those are true? What if you could do better, don’t mind being alone but simply have no desire to keep looking because you’re happy with the person you’re with? Does the lack of dizziness, heart palpitations and dry mouth somehow mean it’s not love?

 

What inspired me to start this thread was another in which a guy was contemplating the state of his relationship after having doubts about his lack of “love” for his girlfriend of 2½ months. He likes her, likes spending time with her, etc but did not feel a sort of giddiness toward her.

 

The general consensus was that he should end it which just seemed so odd to me. Not only do I think it’s way too early to even be considering ‘love’ but is it just not possible to simply enjoy spending time with someone, like being around them, have good ‘chemistry’ but not feel head over heels?...and still consider yourself 'in love' as opposed to settling?

 

The feelings of dizziness, heart palpitations, and dry mouth you refer to are indications of sexual attraction, recognized perhaps more by the unconscious mind. They manifest to suggest you'd have very viable offspring with the object of your lusting, possessing a high probability of making it to adulthood and passing its genes on, thus perpetuating your genome.

 

It's all about passing on your genetic material, baby! Seriously. That's our #1 purpose in being here. Why resist it?

 

BTW, I've never heard of dry mouth being an indication of sexual attraction in any species. Typically, sexual attraction results in an increase of the fluid production of the orifices, including the mouth, possibly excluding the anus.

 

But getting away from the science...you fall in love with someone (which inevitably implies you have a strong sexual attraction to them). You get married, have kids, and then reality sets in. This (reality) ends over 50% of I Do's and happily-ever-afters, even with the mind-blowing sexual attraction.

 

If the mind-blowing sexual attraction isn't there, what do you think the odds are when reality sets in? Hint: much lower than 50%.

 

That's why everyone who told the OP you're referring to, who was evidently asking if he should bail in a relationship where he just wasn't feeling the attraction, were correct in telling him to bail. Because if he proceeds in a relationship where he's not feeling the attraction, someday he'll meet someone to whom he does have that attraction, then he'll bail. Why waste his time, and the time of a woman he's not really attracted to, when he's going to end up bailing someday anyway?

 

Isn't the more practical solution to bail now?

 

Hint: yes, that is the more practical solution.

[Ninjainpajamas]

People like to exaggerate this "earth-shattering" experience, like it's something that needs to be mere fiction. These emotions and experiences are real and genuine, and need to be able to endure for the relationship to last IMO...MAYBE not even forever, that's the idea in theory, but while you are there it makes a world of difference. But there's a difference to those whirlwind emotions and the like/lust you have towards someone in the beginning that are fleeting and someone who really grips you deep down emotionally, spiritually dare I say.

 

It's a standard, it's an expectation BEYOND merely having "someone" to have a relationship with, it's the more courageous choice of actually taking a "risk" with love for that greater reward, not knowing whether there's a guaranteed better, because you just know inside yourself what isn't right. It's knowing yourself and knowing your needs instead of trying to make any piece of the puzzle fit just because you "love" or care someone, just because you see potential in this or that quality and making a few tweaks here and there makes them the "perfect partner" or easier yet just accepting the things you don't like as the bargain you need to make to have a relationship or that ideal future...it's understanding that there is something greater than just merely "loving" someone just because they are there for you at times, knowing you can love more than one person and have before and may in the future but that you don't just stay because it's almost right or kinda right but call it "compromise" to manipulate yourself into something you don't really believe in...it's not choosing the safe bet, it's not the easy choice even though you claim it's harder to stay when I say it's harder to leave someone than to stay in a relationship. It takes much bigger balls to leave someone you love because you know it's the right thing to do than just stay because you can't face the music or reality.

 

People like to think of love like picking apples off a tree...that destiny merely guides their hand to the right apple, that within 4 or 5 people or after a matter of "frustrating" dates and romantic failures that they just merely deserve "true love" as a reward because after all....they "deserve it" to begin with, like it's just some human god-given right while the people die of starvation and suffer across the world, you're so important to the universe and screw them...you're not getting a fuzzy wuzzy bear from Romeo or Mr. Right, so life's so cruel and unfair for you, boo hoo...and the when that person comes, it just lasts forever and ever, it's so EASY and you just fight through the "ups and downs"...just because that's the way it's supposed to work....now THAT'S a fantasy in my book, but nope, not in many peoples book.

 

People like to paint themselves as heroic and loyal, just because they basically allow any kind of behavior or variable nearly in their relationship, because they're so desperate to fill that "void" and/or dependent on this "family unit" or being in a relationship that even if it breaks their own values, wants/desires/needs...they still choose to stay, because in the end it doesn't really matter, you're hooked to that person because you can't leave....you're too weak on your own but you use "love" as a crutch. Your expectations and standards you had BEFORE this person are now muddied and altered as the "accept the situation for what it is, because nothing is perfect" even though you promised yourself you never would, and essentially make a laundry list of excuses and fear induced paranoia out of insecurity that keep you glued to someone you shouldn't even be with anymore rationally, but you talk yourself into it, you talk yourself out of making the right and hard choice because the reality is you're scared to lose that person out of fear of finding someone else...so much "work" goes into that after all...so much "time" spent...need to waste more.

 

So don't try and sell "settling" off as something that is merely reasonable and practical, even though in the real world people are together for many other reasons above love, love doesn't even become relevant anymore, It's quite common to people to constantly tell themselves they are in love so they won't leave...that's how deep the insecurity runs because actually questioning your own feelings and your relationship might tip the balance too much and you might actually have to accept the reality that you're wrong....and yet sell those intense emotions, chemistry and actually deep down desire to be with someone because they actually feel like a better person for.

 

I don't care whether these emotions or "love" is real...but I can't settle for what most people would call "love" or relationships, you can waste your own time convincing yourself to believe whatever it is. I see things in a very practical and realistic way and yet still, I don't believe that what is going out there in the world is anywhere near what people are making it out to be...a lot of it is these whirlwind emotions, chemicals and your brain and what not...a lot of these relationships are together out of family values/life, kids, and because it's against their religion or cultural or whatever...when I look around at the world I don't see happy and fulfilling relationships, yet I see plenty of people making excuses just to stay in them...hey, that's your life not mine, you lie to yourself and give up so you can have the life you think you want, but I guarantee you once you get there it isn't going to be worth the "trade", worth the "compromise" because I've seen too many men and women make that choice and regret it...those relationships are like the sand in the hour glass, it's only a matter of time until it runs out. The saddest part is being stuck in one of those relationships in your life and not even knowing better, so used to and accustomed to your version of "reality" you don't even remember or never even know better in the first place.

 

Personally, I'd rather have whirlwind romances my entire life is that's the best it gets...I'm not "settling" in and raising the white flag, talking myself into, letting others influence me, letting society dictate what is right for me and what my expectations should be, it may be a reality to an extent, but I won't accept that for myself even if it was...I will keep going and searching until it's worth it, and if it's not...so be it.

Edited August 12, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[Eternal Sunshine]

People like to exaggerate this "earth-shattering" experience, like it's something that needs to be mere fiction. These emotions and experiences are real and genuine, and need to be able to endure for the relationship to last IMO...MAYBE not even forever, that's the idea in theory, but while you are there it makes a world of difference. But there's a difference to those whirlwind emotions and the like/lust you have towards someone in the beginning that are fleeting and someone who really grips you deep down emotionally, spiritually dare I say.

 

It's a standard, it's an expectation BEYOND merely having "someone" to have a relationship with, it's the more courageous choice of actually taking a "risk" with love for that greater reward, not knowing whether there's a guaranteed better, because you just know inside yourself what isn't right. It's knowing yourself and knowing your needs instead of trying to make any piece of the puzzle fit just because you "love" or care someone, just because you see potential in this or that quality and making a few tweaks here and there makes them the "perfect partner" or easier yet just accepting the things you don't like as the bargain you need to make to have a relationship or that ideal future...it's understanding that there is something greater than just merely "loving" someone just because they are there for you at times, knowing you can love more than one person and have before and may in the future but that you don't just stay because it's almost right or kinda right but call it "compromise" to manipulate yourself into something you don't really believe in...it's not choosing the safe bet, it's not the easy choice even though you claim it's harder to stay when I say it's harder to leave someone than to stay in a relationship. It takes much bigger balls to leave someone you love because you know it's the right thing to do than just stay because you can't face the music or reality.

 

People like to think of love like picking apples off a tree...that destiny merely guides their hand to the right apple, that within 4 or 5 people or after a matter of "frustrating" dates and romantic failures that they just merely deserve "true love" as a reward because after all....they "deserve it" to begin with, like it's just some human god-given right while the people die of starvation and suffer across the world, you're so important to the universe and screw them...you're not getting a fuzzy wuzzy bear from Romeo or Mr. Right, so life's so cruel and unfair for you, boo hoo...and the when that person comes, it just lasts forever and ever, it's so EASY and you just fight through the "ups and downs"...just because that's the way it's supposed to work....now THAT'S a fantasy in my book, but nope, not in many peoples book.

 

People like to paint themselves as heroic and loyal, just because they basically allow any kind of behavior or variable nearly in their relationship, because they're so desperate to fill that "void" and/or dependent on this "family unit" or being in a relationship that even if it breaks their own values, wants/desires/needs...they still choose to stay, because in the end it doesn't really matter, you're hooked to that person because you can't leave....you're too weak on your own but you use "love" as a crutch. Your expectations and standards you had BEFORE this person are now muddied and altered as the "accept the situation for what it is, because nothing is perfect" even though you promised yourself you never would, and essentially make a laundry list of excuses and fear induced paranoia out of insecurity that keep you glued to someone you shouldn't even be with anymore rationally, but you talk yourself into it, you talk yourself out of making the right and hard choice because the reality is you're scared to lose that person out of fear of finding someone else...so much "work" goes into that after all...so much "time" spent...need to waste more.

 

So don't try and sell "settling" off as something that is merely reasonable and practical, even though in the real world people are together for many other reasons above love, love doesn't even become relevant anymore, It's quite common to people to constantly tell themselves they are in love so they won't leave...that's how deep the insecurity runs because actually questioning your own feelings and your relationship might tip the balance too much and you might actually have to accept the reality that you're wrong....and yet sell those intense emotions, chemistry and actually deep down desire to be with someone because they actually feel like a better person for.

 

I don't care whether these emotions or "love" is real...but I can't settle for what most people would call "love" or relationships, you can waste your own time convincing yourself to believe whatever it is. I see things in a very practical and realistic way and yet still, I don't believe that what is going out there in the world is anywhere near what people are making it out to be...a lot of it is these whirlwind emotions, chemicals and your brain and what not...a lot of these relationships are together out of family values/life, kids, and because it's against their religion or cultural or whatever...when I look around at the world I don't see happy and fulfilling relationships, yet I see plenty of people making excuses just to stay in them...hey, that's your life not mine, you lie to yourself and give up so you can have the life you think you want, but I guarantee you once you get there it isn't going to be worth the "trade", worth the "compromise" because I've seen too many men and women make that choice and regret it...those relationships are like the sand in the hour glass, it's only a matter of time until it runs out. The saddest part is being stuck in one of those relationships in your life and not even knowing better, so used to and accustomed to your version of "reality" you don't even remember or never even know better in the first place.

 

Personally, I'd rather have whirlwind romances my entire life is that's the best it gets...I'm not "settling" in and raising the white flag, talking myself into, letting others influence me, letting society dictate what is right for me and what my expectations should be, it may be a reality to an extent, but I won't accept that for myself even if it was...I will keep going and searching until it's worth it, and if it's not...so be it.

 

This is basically my view on love and relationships. I relate to every word.

 

There is nothing that makes me sadder than being around people in relationships out of convenience, out of fear of being alone or because it's time and society says so.