tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 So, my girlfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me last night. The funny thing is that she said she still loves me. And what's worse is that nothing was wrong until this weekend. She went on a trip with a friend, and being the insecure freak I am, got very accusatory. I know what I did bad and I apologized and things seemed ok. But then she broke up with me and later said she feels free. I was her first real love. I'm going to try no contact for a bit to see if anything comes of it, but it's hard not to pick up the phone and text her. It feels like things aren't over but it also feels very premeditated. I don't know. Advice?
ThorntonMelon Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Don't "try" no contact. Just leave her alone. You should get into therapy and deal with why a girl you'd been with for two years couldn't go away for a weekend without you flipping out. My guess is if you kept writing about this relationship there are things making you feel insecure (maybe rightly, maybe wrongly) and there were more issues with your relationship than this first posting suggests.
BDL Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Girls will say they love you while sleeping with another guy. Not sure if that's your case, but trust what your gut is telling you. 1
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Don't "try" no contact. Just leave her alone. You should get into therapy and deal with why a girl you'd been with for two years couldn't go away for a weekend without you flipping out. My guess is if you kept writing about this relationship there are things making you feel insecure (maybe rightly, maybe wrongly) and there were more issues with your relationship than this first posting suggests. I do suffer from depression and it has a hand our break up. One of the many things that I had a problem with was her inability to say no because she would feel bad if she did. Stuff like that. But I was so insecure because I was scared of losing her and look where that got me. It's a tale as old as time. I should start therapy soon actually. I don't want it to end, but I'm trying to stay positive about things.
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Girls will say they love you while sleeping with another guy. Not sure if that's your case, but trust what your gut is telling you. There was one incident where she started to hang out with this guy and it led to her taking off her shirt and he touched her boobs. He tried kissing her but she left and eventually confessed what happened. It was hard to trust her after that but I forgave her. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. I don't want to know honestly. It would make me hurt worse.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 What were you accusing her of, and why? Did you often do that? I have dated a very insecure and accusatory guy before. It didn't last long before I got sick of his insecurities being projected on me and being accused of all manner of things I never did. When I ended it, I also felt free.
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 What were you accusing her of, and why? Did you often do that? I have dated a very insecure and accusatory guy before. It didn't last long before I got sick of his insecurities being projected on me and being accused of all manner of things I never did. When I ended it, I also felt free. Well she lied to me for one. She drank when she told me she never would and it's not that bad but it made me wonder what else she might have done. Just really bad thoughts. I didn't go crazy with accusations, just that one. I know I was in the wrong and I know it's too late to probably fix things with her. It still hurts though.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Well she lied to me for one. She drank when she told me she never would and it's not that bad but it made me wonder what else she might have done. Just really bad thoughts. I didn't go crazy with accusations, just that one. I know I was in the wrong and I know it's too late to probably fix things with her. It still hurts though. Wait a minute - I just read your other post where you described how she let another guy fondle her? You have legitimate reason not to trust her. She broke your confidence in her. OP, I can only say that you are probably much better off. Someone who actually loves you wouldn't have let that happen in the first place. She proved herself untrustworthy in the past. Not good.
ThorntonMelon Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Lying, cheating...yup. And yet you blame yourself. See a professional. Please.
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Thanks guys. It's just really hard because I love her so much. I know she didn't do anything and on the off chance she did, it just makes it harder to think about. She said she tried breaking up with me multiple times but everytime she would come back because she knew what we had was a beautiful thing. I invested so much into us and I feel crushed that she would do some of these things. She doesn't seem to see if from my point of view, that she was "having fun." I understand she needs space but not at the expense of our relationship. That's why I was so insecure. She felt like she could still do what she wanted without taking regard for how it would affect the relationship. It was her first real one though. I understand she might've been scared for long term commitment. But we were so close to out 2 year anniversary and I was even talking to a friend about what to get her, and BAM! just like that.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Thanks guys. It's just really hard because I love her so much. I know she didn't do anything and on the off chance she did, it just makes it harder to think about. She said she tried breaking up with me multiple times but everytime she would come back because she knew what we had was a beautiful thing. I invested so much into us and I feel crushed that she would do some of these things. She doesn't seem to see if from my point of view, that she was "having fun." I understand she needs space but not at the expense of our relationship. That's why I was so insecure. She felt like she could still do what she wanted without taking regard for how it would affect the relationship. It was her first real one though. I understand she might've been scared for long term commitment. But we were so close to out 2 year anniversary and I was even talking to a friend about what to get her, and BAM! just like that. But that's the thing - it wasn't "just like that." She stepped out on you before. There were already serious problems that she played a major role in. This relationship doesn't sound like it was a healthy one. It was based on very little trust and a lack of respect (for you, I mean) This didn't come out of nowhere; it wasn't all that great to begin with, OP.
SoThatHappened Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Girls will say they love you while sleeping with another guy. Not sure if that's your case, but trust what your gut is telling you. This ^^^ It's insane and disgusting how someone can do that. OP, she had someone else lined up. All the times she was trying to break up with you were times that she wasn't sure if the fallback was going to be there. Once she knew the fallback was there, she finally ended it. You're better off. People that do what she did are disgusting people. You dodged a bullet.
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. I don't want to let go, but things just add up the way y'all are saying they are. I talked to my family and I'll start counseling this week. It's just so hard to believe. I honestly thought she loved me. I guess I was wrong.
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 But that's the thing - it wasn't "just like that." She stepped out on you before. There were already serious problems that she played a major role in. This relationship doesn't sound like it was a healthy one. It was based on very little trust and a lack of respect (for you, I mean) This didn't come out of nowhere; it wasn't all that great to begin with, OP. Things were wonderful the first year. The only time we had a big fight was when we lost our virginity to each other. We were just young and scared. We moved past it and it always felt like a strong stable relationship. I guess she wanted other things and didn't have the lady-balls to say it to my face.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Things were wonderful the first year. The only time we had a big fight was when we lost our virginity to each other. We were just young and scared. We moved past it and it always felt like a strong stable relationship. I guess she wanted other things and didn't have the lady-balls to say it to my face. Where does being fondled by another guy fit into this strong and stable relationship?
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Where does being fondled by another guy fit into this strong and stable relationship? It was after. It happened a few months ago.
BDL Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. I don't want to let go, but things just add up the way y'all are saying they are. I talked to my family and I'll start counseling this week. It's just so hard to believe. I honestly thought she loved me. I guess I was wrong. If it's any consolation, she did fall in love with you and I'm certain she loved you a lot at one point. But that honeymoon love phase passes in about a year or so. Couples become complacent and you likely stopped courting and dating her. Your depression made you not a lot of fun to be around and she being weak couldn't get herself to break it off decisively. For your future relationships, you really need to home in on the clues a girl gives off when she starts pulling away, becoming distant, not as affectionate, etc. because this relationship you have with her is over. You need to do what needs doing. Kick her to the curb and begin moving on. Never initiate contact, walk away and never look back.
mightycpa Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Two years is a pretty good run, you should just be thankful for it, take whatever you've learned and move on. It sounds like you need to work on yourself before you should even think about working on her. You've got to deal with the causes of your depression, maybe develop some resilience, or some exercise therapy to boost the seratonin in your brain. You have to get your confidence under control to quell that insecurity nonsense. My God, you lost your virginity to each other and HAD A FIGHT! How F'd up is that? You need to fix yourself first, before you suck her or anybody else into this vortex of negative that you describe about yourself. That is, if you really do love her. I don't mean to be harsh, but it is true. Also, I would advise you to try not to invalidate those two years together: I honestly thought she loved me. I guess I was wrong. That's not helpful. I'm sure she did love you. Try to think of it as people fall in love, they have a great time with the greatest person in the world, and then they begin to figure out that nobody is perfect, including the greatest person in the world. One day, they fall out of love. She didn't do that on purpose; I mean, who would? Nobody decides to fall in or out of love. If people could do that, then the advice would be "just decide to fall out of love - problem solved!" It doesn't work that way, so you don't need to blame her for something that just happened to her. First loves are usually a race to the finish line. In this particular race, you seem to have finished last. It's nobody's fault, and you could have just as easily become the dumper. Try to have a little sympathy and a little perspective. You're young, she's young, and no doubt mistakes were made. Just learn from her mistakes and learn from yours too. But don't invalidate everything. Just recognize that everything changes with time. Also, you mention the faults you see in her. Those would just get worse over time. You already know she's not perfect, and things about her actually got you upset. You're going through a type of withdrawal, and it is breakup brain chemicals that have got you down. Coupled with your depression, it has to be 100 times worse than what a lot of people feel. You may need pills to deal with it, and I would also suggest running, if you can. I always suggest running, to boost that Seratonin in your brain and your blood, which counteracts the known breakup neurochemicals. It naturally makes you feel better. And do take some time to fix yourself up as best you can before you go get yourself another one. Set some easy goals that require effort, and meet them. Then, while maintaining these easy things, set and meet some more difficult things. Finally, accomplish something difficult that you can be proud of. When you find yourself looking back, look ahead instead, goals will help you do that. These sorts of things will help you lose the "need." The best revenge is to be the best person you can possibly be. Also, it is pretty good therapy for you too. Good luck.
Author tristone Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Thanks for everything guys. I saw my dad today and we talked it out. I feel at peace. And I'm going to see a movie with a friend. It may hurt like hell, but time heals all wounds. Again, thanks for everything. You've really given me some perspective. Love y'all.
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