Nubianangel Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 First let me say, I am over the ex. The pain and emptiness of our breakup has subsided and I am now dating and reacquainting myself with myself. I do not miss our relationship but what I do miss is his friendship. He was the type of person I could confide in about anything (well within reason because he was my boyfriend). It didn't matter, when work or family troubles surfaced, he'd be there to listen (for hours at times) and he gave great advice. He was always in my corner and encouraged me to try at whatever I feared. I miss that more than anything. I do have female friends and they're great to talk to as well but most are at home moms which means they can't relate to my working and they're busy raising their children. I would really like for him to be a part of my life, not in the romantic sense, I've hurt him too bad. Here's a brief summary of what transpired: -We split after 5 1/2 months because he needed space but continued to do all of the things considered 'relationship behavior' without the title -After a month of this we had a really bad fight, he said he didn't want to see me EVER AGAIN -I made the mistake of heading out the following night, running into an ex and sleeping with him -Recent ex comes back into the picture, he wants to start again. I decide we should start with honesty and tell him what I did -He hits the roof, calls me names, confronts me at a local bar, tells me it's definitely over -We don't talk for 2 weeks, finally I can't take no more and call, he's ok with me calling and promises to call now and again -Week later no call and again I call, it's a pleasant phone call but his cell dies:rolleyes:,he never returns my call -I never call again and neither does he but goes around telling mutual friends how much he loves me. He's such a proud man and he's still bitter according to others. I know it doesn't sound promising but we had such a connection. What are the chances of us becoming friends one day? I know there is no way any of you can give a conclusive answer but if you (especially the men)were in his shoes would you consider a friendship somewhere down the line?
d'Arthez Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 It is difficult to call. There might be a possibility if he keeps his head together. What do you have to offer to him? You can want him to be a friend to you, but can you be something meaningfull to him in his eyes? If a friendship has great value in his eyes the likelihood is higher than it is when that is lacking, possibly even 0%. Pro: 1) his abilty to be this friend to you during your relationship. For a lot of men that ability only shows when in a relationship. Why? Because of the benefits of the relationship (for instance sex). 2) his somewhat positive attitude when talking to you on the cell. But remember he did not call you back. Con: 1) The split after 5.5 months would suggest otherwise, as he did keep the benefits of the relationship, but without the formal commitment of the relationship. Were there any reasons attached to this strange request? 2)The Never seeing again request even in anger, is a negative indication, but difficult to give value to. 3)Sleeping with the ex, is to most men the ultimate betrayal, even if you are not in a relationship with him anymore. Can he heal from that? Judging by his reaction I would not count on it. In conclusion: I would not count on it. The trust is gone between the two of you, and is not likely to be restored.Move on, and find another friend with whom you can share your intimate secrets. It's cruel to keep an ex-bf, for that role, and role only in your life. Unless the connection was mutual on the same level.
shamen Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Sorry, I'm not a guy... I know that people are going to disagree, but I do believe that in some cases, some rare cases, one can have a friendship with an ex. I have one ex in my life with whom I am still friends. Mind you, it didn't happen right away, but it did happen. We've been friends for 9 years. BUT, he is the only one. When I run into most of the others, it's the stated, "Hello," (from the other thread) in most cases, but an actual, "How are you?" in others. Just give it a lot of time. Maybe someday the two of you can reconnect, but it doesn't sound like right now is the time. If the two of you can't even say, "Hello," yet, the both of you are probably not ready. Sometimes we've just got to let these friendships completely die. I can't tell you how many of my exes I still think of fondly. But I know in my heart that most of them will probably just remain there, in my heart...
Author Nubianangel Posted February 27, 2005 Author Posted February 27, 2005 Sadly, both of you have made valid points. d'Arthez- I'd like to think I can offer the same benefits of a friendship I offer all of my friends, men and women alike. Ya know, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, great advice and conversation and fun company at times. The same as what he offered me during our relationship excluding sex, of course. Maybe I'm asking for too much. During our relationship he said that if we ever split, we'd remain friends but after the complete breakup,he said that he could never look at me as his friend. "It would be too hard to look at or be around you and not hold, touch or kiss you" were his words. I know, I know there's my answer right there BUT when I called weeks later after NC, he said he didn't mind that I called and thought it ok that I continue to call now and again and he would do the same. BTW, the reason he wanted to split initially was because he said he needed space. We'd been having problems with outside friends/family "influences" and it took a nasty toll on our relationship. Not to mention he allowed his ex to remain in the picture as his friend which was a BIG issue for us. (They'd been together for 5 yrs, he helped raise her son and didn't want to completely cut the cord.) We got into an argument and he told me he needed time to himself because his heart was indecisive at that point. I understood and backed off but he kept coming back. Shamen- I suppose you're right, I need to give it time. If that's not enough then as you suggested, he will remain a fond memory for me. Every relationship I've been in has been a learning experience and so I will take with me the good and bad and hopefully I will not make the same mistakes as I enter into a new relationship.
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